Dreams of a different kind

Tuesday, March 3, 2015
I have been changed for good. I am composing this blog post entirely using talk to text on my new iPhone six. Is this the way of the future? Consider this a conversation between the two of us. I'm just jabbering away. (Thanks for being such a great listener).

I've noticed a trend that when I am home alone at night, (meaning without Vic), I get very sentimental and take time to think about my life. I know my last blog was about my birthday, but honestly, getting older has been on the forefront of my mind these days. So let's talk about it, shall we?

It's hard to see yourself age. It's hard to let go of life dreams you once had. I know I've blogged about this before, but the first few years after Lucy died, I was obsessed with getting older. I just wanted to be 85 and near the end of my life. I envied old people so much. With such a wonderful reunion to look forward to on the other side, I didn't fear getting older. "They've made it! They endured to the end and they get to go home soon. I'm so jealous." I saw aging in a whole new light and didn't fear it like I had before.

But things have changed. It's been almost SEVEN years since Lucy's passing. SEVEN. YEARS. I don't even know what to do with that fact. My mind doesn't even know where to begin processing that. For the most part, I have fallen back into my old ways of thinking about aging--that I don't want to. I don't want to look older, I don't want to lose my pizazz and zip for life. I still want to fulfill my dream of performing on Broadway, traveling the world, going to grad school, singing with a band, writing a book. So many dreams.

I've been in a bit of a rut lately. I'm not depressed, but I'm feeling awfully BLAH. I was able to perform and attend a reunion at BYU for the Music/Dance/Theatre department that I graduated from. It was so much fun to be a college kid again for two days. All of my burdens vanished and I had constant fun chatting with old friends, making new ones, singing my heart out on stage, staying up late at parties. It was almost too good to be true. Ever since then, I've had a hard time adjusting back to my real life.

This is not to say that I would prefer a carefree life of nothing but socializing and partying, but when you are given a chance to go back in time and taste that again, it is awfully hard to set those heart-racing, exciting times aside and get down in the trenches with dishes and diapers again.

All these thoughts about what I want, what I've always dreamed of, and how to accept my aging self and do so gracefully, lead me to a memory of standing in Susan Hale's kitchen. Susan is a dear friend of ours in Park City who is busy raising 5 kids of her own. I was watching her make homemade bread in her kitchen one day a few years ago. We were talking about the challenges of parenthood and life in general when she turned to me and said, "There finally came a point in my life where I realized that instead of focusing on making my dreams come true, my job was to help others make their dreams come true." Of course she was referring mainly to her kids, and that thought has always stuck with me.

I don't ever plan on giving up entirely on my dreams or on improving myself, but I absolutely know that there can be great (if not GREATER) satisfaction in seeing my children's dreams come true than in chasing my own. So though I'm aging (like every living thing does), and though time is speeding by like a subway train, I am trying to accept and embrace this turning point--that my new dream is to make others' dreams come true.

These are the times, the dreams I want to remember...

(the video is long. I won't be offended if you don't watch it. But I know the grandparent's will love it. Also--Zoë might be too cute for you to handle so carry on). 


  1. Susan Hale quotes run through my head all.the.time.

  2. I love this! Before I read the part about what your friend said I was think of posting the following and it goes along with what she said, "I honestly think one of the reasons God commands us to have children is so that we never do grow old. Well, at least a part of us doesn't. You see, a part of you is in each of your children and will be forever as they have children and so on down the line. Our dreams can reside in them because we are in them. You are youthful in their youthfulness. Growing old has never bothered me for this reason. There are greater things ahead than behind. I truly believe that. Of course I wax nostalgic at times for the past. The only thing I often wish is for a chance to go back with the knowledge I now have. Mostly because it would be even more awesome than it was to begin with. But I can pass that knowledge into my kids and hopefully they can make those times awesomer". Am I making any sense? Well, I better go make my babies life awesomer. She just woke up from a nap and wants out of her crib. Awesome post! Keep writing!

  3. This is an awesome and incredibly thought provoking way to view life at this stage. Thank you so much for sharing. I love it.

  4. I have been thinking SO much about this. Thanks. Xo


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