Monday, August 25, 2014
I was listening to a TED TALK (podcast) on my run the other day. If you haven't caught on by now, I LOVE my podcasts. Please, please, please enrich your life by getting a podcast app on your phone and subscribing to the following:
-Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me
-This I Believe
Anywho, the talk was called, "Two Nerdy Obsessions Meet--and It's Magic". The presenter, David Kwong, works for the New York Times putting together their crossword puzzles. He has a fascinating mind and gift.
He talked about how, as human beings, we are wired to create order out of chaos. He did some magic tricks, of sorts, and had some really cool visuals. But the thing that I couldn't get out of my head was what he said about how absolutely primal and instinctive it is for us to SOLVE. We want to solve problems. To make sense out of things...out of life. To have order.
Why did this stick out to me? Because after Lucy died, I was mentally tortured. I wanted to SOLVE and FIX the problem, but I COULD. NOT. And it literally changed my brain. Time and time again, when people ask me about losing my daughter, I tell them that while it effected me in many ways, the greatest toll and damage was MENTAL.
While listening to this Ted Talk, I couldn't stop thinking about all those torturous hours I sat in bed spinning over the events of May 18th. I have long subscribed to the philosophy that "when there is a will, there is a way." I feel like this has served me well in life and there is very little that I don't think I am capable of doing. But when Lucy died, there was no willing her back to life. And it physically HURT.
But then I had this thought: If we are biologically wired to SOLVE, and we are created in the image of God, then isn't He wired to solve, too? And if nothing we are doing, or can do, will solve our problems, then He must be able to. It's faith, really. It's so simple. But I had never thought of it in this way before.
We are solvers. But when we can't solve or fix, God can. How exactly that works, what exactly our part in that is...I don't know. Sometimes it just takes...time. And while He can't fix Lucy's death in the way that I would like, by bringing her back, he can fix "what is." He can fix my broken brain and my broken heart. This has happened mostly through the process of life. Just the way He created earth life to happen. By living one day at a time. There have been greater graces and miracles, mostly via friends and loved ones, but somehow this whole giant system--this crossword puzzle--will be complete. And I will be complete.
Once again, I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I just really enjoyed David Kwong's presentation and was grateful that my madness was validated.
As I go through day to day stresses and struggles, I hope I will remember that while I might be wired to solve and fix and create order, I'm not always the best at it, and I need help from a higher power.
So, carry on my fellow solvers. I hope you have great success. I suck at crossword puzzles, but hopefully I'll figure out this real-life puzzle someday.
Posted by Molly Bice-Jackson at 10:42 PM