Vic reading "The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie" to me while waking up from surgery. The nurse thought it was the sweetest thing and snapped a photo.
I've never been a nail person. You know, someone who paints their nails. I try, but it just isn't me. Toenails, yes. But fingernails? Not so much. I can do clear, or maybe a nice French manicure, but that is about it. I love the plain, dark, muddy colors I see women wearing on the fingernails, but I just can't do it. Too much upkeep.
Why am I telling you this? Just for your your information. My mind has been coming back to this little factoid about myself again and again as I scroll through my Facebook feed and see all sorts of nail designs. So there you have it. I'm not a nail person.
I've been crying more lately. I have been feeling a connection to Lucy and my other loved ones who have passed on. I guess by that I mean my close friend, Justin. Greatly do I miss him. (I just wanted to word that sentence as such. Get over it. Greatly do I miss him).
Just yesterday, a friend of ours gave Vic a poem that he'd written right after Lucy died. He held onto it for 6 years, waiting for the right time to give it to us. I read it while we were eating dinner at DP Cheesesteaks--and I didn't care how many people in line could see me cry. It felt so wonderful to FEEL. To remember that blonde beauty of mine. The tears on my cheeks felt so cleansing. I don't know how to explain it.
I was told that you were mine to borrow for just a little while
but I did not expect that time would be so short--
and I suppose that is why
my heart is broken
My fairy princess
so brightly light the night and
sprinkle your little dust of hope
to us who stay below
So many marvelous and wonderful plans for us
that were just not meant to be
but as I watch the butterflies
I will always think of thee
My little darling beautiful girl
with your locks of gold
more precious than the world could buy
which I so long to hold-
Fly away to all the dreams we had for you,
and we hope that maybe someday
we will know
why you had to go
So fly my little one--
fly away to Parents' arms far stronger than my own
and when they hug you-
will you please ask them to hold me too?
Until we meet again
with the angels sing
and remember us as we will always remember you
through the butterfly's wings.
Can you handle it? I had a little girl. Her name was Lucy--and she died. She is gone. She is not here to play with her brother and sister. And I miss her. I miss the part of me that she took with her. The emptiness she left has been filled with something new and wonderful and strange...because I could not go on living as a broken being. And when I read words like this; when I know that someone took the time to put their thoughts and feelings into a poem, it touches that broken part of me. It reminds me of love and miracles and healing and hope and tenderness and hopelessness and the brevity of life.
I'm just spewing out words and thoughts here. I'm trying to make sense of things.
Other than not being a nail person, and missing my Lucy, and crying over poems, I am adjusting to my new nose--and having a hard time with it. But as one of my favorite quotes goes, "What can you do or drag a board?" (I don't even really know what this means. But my friend, Karyn Mann always says it. You start off my saying what can you do..but give no other option besides dragging a board. Get used to it).
As far as all the rigmarole happening in the Mormon Church right now goes--I don't know. I have different thoughts and feelings. It's no secret I am a progressive/liberal Mormon. But when it comes down to it...I really don't know anything. I have no desire to debate or figure out who is right or wrong. I'd rather spend my energy having fun, going on adventures, and enjoying all the parts about people that really matter to me. (In other words, the parts about people I enjoy/that matter to me are not really what they believe...but how I feel around them. What I can learn from their personal experiences. The adventures we can have together. Their talents, etc).
Here comes another subject: TV. I enjoyed binge watching "The Mindy Project" after my surgery. Such a funny show. Can't wait for the next season. I have a total crush on Danny Castellano.
I think I've just cleared a few cobwebs from my mind. (I didn't include EVERYTHING I am thinking about the whole church debacle...That takes some serious one on one conversation. It's difficult to be yourself in a very conservative church when you, yourself, are not a very conservative person).
Have a wonderful weekend my friends. Look for my Lucy on butterfly's wings.