Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Conversations in the Car
I talked to Justin on the drive home from the theatre last night. I was exhausted. I've been exhausted all week.
I got to sit in the audience and watch the other cast do their dress rehearsal. It was an emotional experience for me. Maybe that's why I cried the whole drive home while I "talked" to Justin. It hits me now and then...the fact that he is gone. Home to be with Lucy and his grandparents. It hurts. I looked over at the empty passengers seat next to me and cried and cried. I even reached my hand out and put it on his leg and thanked him over and over again for all he has done for me.
There were moments I would look over and smile--laugh, even, through my tears. I don't know exactly what he was saying to me, but I kept saying, "Ok, Ok." I think he was telling me to be better. Do better. And that he loves me.
I asked him if he has seen Lucy. I asked him if he could please let me know, somehow, how she is doing.
I didn't feel crazy. I didn't feel dramatic. I was just grieving and talking with my friend. Does he know how much I love him? Does he know how much he has affected my life? Is he at peace? Is he at rest?
Sometimes I feel I am doing ok at this whole thing...this whole "life" thing. I'm managing. I know for certain I have put up more emotional walls over the past year or so. I don't cry much. When you cry everyday for 2 years straight, I guess you get to a point that you just don't want to anymore. I rarely cry during the show even though it the most emotional show I've ever done. Even though little Gavroche dies on stage and his little body is carried down the barricade. I don't cry. I don't cry when I have to say goodbye to my lover and then he gets shot and killed. I'm all cried out.
But that changed last night on the drive home and I haven't really stopped crying since.
Justin's parents are coming to the show opening night. Justin loved Les Mis. I love Justin. I love Les Mis. I love his parents. His parents love me. Some of my best friends will be there. It will be on my dad's birthday. It will be Valentine's Day. And...I don't know. The flood gates might be open again. And I'm OK with that.
You can only lose something that you HAVE, not something that you ARE. Justin and Lucy are both a part of me. As long as I am living true to the beautiful part of myself that they created in me, I am never too far away from them. They will never be lost to me.
So I'll keep having conversations in my car. I'll keep listening.
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