It's My Party and I'll Pity if I Want To

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 3:20 PM





The past few days (ok, day and a half) have been good ones. This is significant for many reasons--mainly, I've been depressed for weeks. Pretty. Darn. Depressed. There are a few things constantly nagging at me in this little brain of mine.

1. Aging. Getting older is just STRANGE. It is bizarre and scary and weird. I will be 36 in February. I know that by some accounts, 36 is quite young. And I know that to PLENTY of people out there, 36 really is old. The wrinkles around my eyes surprise me every time I look in the mirror. It's not too bad until I smile...yowzers. I still cannot believe that I am the mother. I cannot believe my careless youth is behind me. It still knocks the breath out of me when Peter calls me "Mommy." I just can't believe that I am his mommy dearest.

2. Eating. On those days that I throw caution to the wind and indulge in whatever I want, I feel SO CRAPPY. I feel fat and worthless and tired and cranky.

3. Self esteem. I guess this goes with 1 and 2. I have been having a gigantic pity party as of late. "I'm not pretty enough. I'm not wealthy enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not clever enough. I'm not talented enough. I'm not thin enough." These thoughts have been hanging over me for far too long lately. They seemed to have come out of nowhere. Of course I think these things from time to time, but lately they have been on the forefront of my mind...and it is so wearing. Smart enough for what? Thin enough for what exactly? I don't know.

4. My kids. With Peter out of preschool for Christmas break, our schedule is completely off and my patience is worn extremely thin. I was talking to a friend the other day and she said that her number one goal in life is to find ways to escape her children. We had a good laugh about it but then we both agreed that it was entirely true. There are days I feel so STUCK. So trapped by these tiny people. I'm tired and drained and overwhelmed. It almost sends me into a panic. Vic and the kids went to Arizona for FIVE DAYS and I was home ALONE. It was glorious beyond description. The peace and quiet. The cleanliness! The ability to think. I did LOVE seeing them again at the airport when they flew home. I marveled for hours on end at my children and their beauty--everything about them. It's insane and amazing! But once reality crept back in, the adjustment was hard. (I know, I shouldn't be complaining...I'm just explaining the situation. Vic was a superstar dad with them all week.) In the very same breath that I type this, I am madly in love with them. I held Zoë at 3 a.m. this morning in the rocking chair and was in complete heaven. If you are a mom...you get it.

5. Missing Park City. I miss my friends and my life there. The trails, the fresh air, the community of wonderful people, the lack of traffic, the sledding and skiing, our house. It's not TERRIBLY difficult being away from it, but it does affect me.

Oh, I could go on. But you get the picture. I've just been feeling fat, lazy, uninterested in life, completely uninterested in the lives of anyone else, and down on myself for not being good enough to be a lead in Les Mis, or smart enough to know how to make more money, or disciplined enough to be better with my time. Why am I not as thin as I used to be? I've just been SO HARD on myself. My joy of the holidays was completely zapped. More than anything, I have felt like a ROBOT. Everything is a to-do list. Everything. Even the "fun" things. I show no emotion, feel no emotion, I just perform all my motherly, wife, church, life duties like a robot. No crying for Lucy. No letting myself think of Lucy. Just straight robotics. I don't like how I look. I don't like how I feel. I just don't like myself lately.

So what has made the past few days better? A few things: I upped my Zoloft dosage. (I had been cutting my regularly prescribed dose in half). Second, I read a quote that said, "Stop fighting against it and fight FOR it." As far as motherhood is concerned, this quote really struck a cord with me. I've been fighting against all the chains it places on me. But I knew a shift in perspective was needed. I cannot undo being a mother. I will always have these children to care for. Fighting against it is futile. But fighting FOR it is the most worthy of causes.

I haven't had sugar or wheat for the past few days. I've gotten up and worked out and showered. I know I don't have to be perfect, but the smallest of things helps me greatly. Peter starts school again on Thursday--so I have more of a schedule to look forward to.

I know that this is just life--the ups and the downs. But wow, I was in a funk. I hope I can continue to do the work that will keep me out of it.

Thanks for coming to my pity party. I know that it is Chronicles of Riddickulous. But...it isn't. I hate feeling this way! See you next year! (Also, this is not a fishing expedition for compliments.)




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15 Loving Lines

  1. I've been feeling much of the same. I pity the fool who feels like us. Right?

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  2. Hi Molly-
    I don't know you but what a breath of fresh air to hear you share your struggles many of which resonate with me. Keep being honest- it is such a service to so many- Love Susan

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  3. You may not be fishing, but goodness I love you. You are such a fabulous person and I admire you and your gorgeous petite self SO much! Let's try some fun lunches / playdates. Let's exchange workout info and ideas. Every gal needs a girlfriend (or 5) to pull em outta their funk. Hugs!

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  4. I am glad you have the guts to right down how you feel! I have been having my own little pity party as well, I too turn the big 36 here in just 3 short days :( I hate the fact that I am now so close to 40. I have been sick with bronchitis the entire Christmas holiday and well today I have had it! I just wanted to run away and never come back, but then I read your post and thought to myself hey, I am not alone. There are others out there that have feelings like I do, I might just be "normal". So Molly, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this post, it helps me a great deal. I sure wish we lived closer, I would love to be your friend :). From the Southern end of the State :) HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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  5. I love you, I love your post and I love your blog. You help me better understand my 37 year old daughter who feels EXACTLY the way you feel but doesn't verbalize it to me very often. You give me insight into her. I wish I had the power to help her AND you. It is so foreign to me but I know it is your truth and hers. I pray that the both of you will feel the relief and peace you deserve.

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  6. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Finally somebody tells the truth on a blog. I had pretty much stopped reading blogs. It was all too much: too much bragging about everything. Marriage, kids, homes, looks, thinness, excercise , money. The perfect family, vacation, friends and all of the things in between. Don't get me wrong, all of these things are a part of life. All of these things are NOT perfect in everybody's life all the time. We are all blessed with different things. Heaven forbid anyone not have a perfect life in order to write about it so that everyone else can wonder why they don't have a perfect life as well. I'm here to tell whoever is out there and feeling overwhelmed by the perfectness of it all, stop, take a deep breath and count your blessings. Most perfect blog posts are just that, a perfect BLOG POST! Not reality. I learned the hard way. Spent way to much time reading about eveyone else's perfect life and forgetting to live my own beautiful happy life with all of its UPS and DOWNS. There are plenty of both in most peoples life. I have been reading your post for a few years Molly. One of the very few. I love it. Always honest! Sharing the good with the hard. I feel so normal and have so much hope reading your wise words. Thank you for letting your life unfold in a true light. You rock! I love learning about your Vic, Lucy, Peter and Zoe. Keep on keepin it real. Peace out sista

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  7. I loved the truth behind all of this... I, too, often feel this same way!

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  8. Sounds like we've both been having very similar parties, but at different locations. I completely relate to your pity party. I cringe at using the word "depression" - maybe because I think "that's just something my mom deals with," but if I'm honest with myself, I did have some depression in the past couple weeks. I'm not sure where the grieving ends and the depression begins - or if it's just sort of all intertwined, but like you, I just have felt completely hopeless & down - down on myself, down on my kids and Jason, down on life, down on the world. And it's just such a contrast from all the "Merry & Bright" Christmas season that it only drives me further in that hole. The aging thing has been getting to me, too :( I think it's not fair that grief steals like 10 years of your life.
    However, the past week or so has been better for me, too, and I pray that we can both find some perspective, love, and gentleness for ourselves in the new year. You ARE a beautiful, awesome, extremely talented person, Molly. Love you. We'll be up north in January. Would love you see you!

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  9. I love how incredibly real and genuine you are. I know this is incredibly rude but there are a couple of blogs out there that just make me want to gag! You are beautiful and talented and everything you said you aren't I can tell :)

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  10. I love how incredibly real and genuine you are! I think you are beautiful in your vulnerability. Chin up! You inspire me!

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  11. This time of year is always hard for me also. Hope things get better for you soon! Sending love from Riverton, Charlene

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  12. I love your honesty. Motherhood is so rewarding but so very hard. I totally get it. My husband took our kids out for the day yesterday and it was the best day I've had in a long time!!

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  13. Hi Molly, I have been reading your blog for some time now and never commented for whatever reason, but I just can't do that after reading this post. Your honesty and the candid way that you speak through your blog is what keeps me coming back. I can relate to so much of what you say with all the "not enoughs".
    I started a blog just a year ago focusing on my love of sewing, running and motherhood and have found it very difficult to post consistently even though I know that it coud be cathartic if I did. I think the real problem is reading blogs (instagram, facebook whatever) that paint such a beautiful and picture perfect picture of people lives. That is not my life (nor am I sure that I want it to be), but sometimes feel that people will be turned off or judge me if I write honestly.
    Anyways, all I am saying is that your honesty inspires me to be who I am both in real life and blog land and for that I thank you. You are not alone.
    Andrea
    www.doonbug.com

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