Tuesday, December 31, 2013
It's My Party and I'll Pity if I Want To
The past few days (ok, day and a half) have been good ones. This is significant for many reasons--mainly, I've been depressed for weeks. Pretty. Darn. Depressed. There are a few things constantly nagging at me in this little brain of mine.
1. Aging. Getting older is just STRANGE. It is bizarre and scary and weird. I will be 36 in February. I know that by some accounts, 36 is quite young. And I know that to PLENTY of people out there, 36 really is old. The wrinkles around my eyes surprise me every time I look in the mirror. It's not too bad until I smile...yowzers. I still cannot believe that I am the mother. I cannot believe my careless youth is behind me. It still knocks the breath out of me when Peter calls me "Mommy." I just can't believe that I am his mommy dearest.
2. Eating. On those days that I throw caution to the wind and indulge in whatever I want, I feel SO CRAPPY. I feel fat and worthless and tired and cranky.
3. Self esteem. I guess this goes with 1 and 2. I have been having a gigantic pity party as of late. "I'm not pretty enough. I'm not wealthy enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not clever enough. I'm not talented enough. I'm not thin enough." These thoughts have been hanging over me for far too long lately. They seemed to have come out of nowhere. Of course I think these things from time to time, but lately they have been on the forefront of my mind...and it is so wearing. Smart enough for what? Thin enough for what exactly? I don't know.
4. My kids. With Peter out of preschool for Christmas break, our schedule is completely off and my patience is worn extremely thin. I was talking to a friend the other day and she said that her number one goal in life is to find ways to escape her children. We had a good laugh about it but then we both agreed that it was entirely true. There are days I feel so STUCK. So trapped by these tiny people. I'm tired and drained and overwhelmed. It almost sends me into a panic. Vic and the kids went to Arizona for FIVE DAYS and I was home ALONE. It was glorious beyond description. The peace and quiet. The cleanliness! The ability to think. I did LOVE seeing them again at the airport when they flew home. I marveled for hours on end at my children and their beauty--everything about them. It's insane and amazing! But once reality crept back in, the adjustment was hard. (I know, I shouldn't be complaining...I'm just explaining the situation. Vic was a superstar dad with them all week.) In the very same breath that I type this, I am madly in love with them. I held Zoë at 3 a.m. this morning in the rocking chair and was in complete heaven. If you are a mom...you get it.
5. Missing Park City. I miss my friends and my life there. The trails, the fresh air, the community of wonderful people, the lack of traffic, the sledding and skiing, our house. It's not TERRIBLY difficult being away from it, but it does affect me.
Oh, I could go on. But you get the picture. I've just been feeling fat, lazy, uninterested in life, completely uninterested in the lives of anyone else, and down on myself for not being good enough to be a lead in Les Mis, or smart enough to know how to make more money, or disciplined enough to be better with my time. Why am I not as thin as I used to be? I've just been SO HARD on myself. My joy of the holidays was completely zapped. More than anything, I have felt like a ROBOT. Everything is a to-do list. Everything. Even the "fun" things. I show no emotion, feel no emotion, I just perform all my motherly, wife, church, life duties like a robot. No crying for Lucy. No letting myself think of Lucy. Just straight robotics. I don't like how I look. I don't like how I feel. I just don't like myself lately.
So what has made the past few days better? A few things: I upped my Zoloft dosage. (I had been cutting my regularly prescribed dose in half). Second, I read a quote that said, "Stop fighting against it and fight FOR it." As far as motherhood is concerned, this quote really struck a cord with me. I've been fighting against all the chains it places on me. But I knew a shift in perspective was needed. I cannot undo being a mother. I will always have these children to care for. Fighting against it is futile. But fighting FOR it is the most worthy of causes.
I haven't had sugar or wheat for the past few days. I've gotten up and worked out and showered. I know I don't have to be perfect, but the smallest of things helps me greatly. Peter starts school again on Thursday--so I have more of a schedule to look forward to.
I know that this is just life--the ups and the downs. But wow, I was in a funk. I hope I can continue to do the work that will keep me out of it.
Thanks for coming to my pity party. I know that it is Chronicles of Riddickulous. But...it isn't. I hate feeling this way! See you next year! (Also, this is not a fishing expedition for compliments.)
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