I spent the weekend in Spanish Fork at my in-laws. And while we had a great time relaxing and eating and just being together (it was just our little family and Vic's parents), I came home this evening feeling very down. This could be for several reasons.
1) I went two days without my anti-depressant. Not on purpose...I just forgot to refill my prescription since moving from Park City. When this happens, the first thing I notice is that I get quite dizzy. That is usually the extent of it. But along with the dizziness, I noticed an extreme sadness. I could have easily felt this way even with my medication, but it seemed a little more extreme. Like...I was crying when I heard "Do You See What I See?" because the song talks about a child in the night shivering from cold. I couldn't take it and I broke down. That's when Vic looked at me and said, "Let's get that prescription refilled and transferred down here immediately."
2) I went to a boutique on Main Street in Spanish Fork (for those non-Utah readers out there, Spanish Fork is a small town south of Provo, UT--where BYU is located--It's filled with great salt of the earth people who enjoy rodeos and guns and trucks. It actually reminds me A LOT of the town in Idaho where I grew up.) The boutique had some cute things, but it was mostly filled with women who I found myself feeling sorry for. I wasn't looking down on them at all...I was genuinely curious about their lives and their situations. One woman appeared to have some extreme health problems along with missing teeth and no one was buying her outdated goods. (Fabric scrapbooks straight from the 80's and such.) There was a vendor entirely dedicated to antler jewelry...which I found very...interesting. And while I was not interested in most of what was being offered there, I wanted to know about these people's lives. These lives that seemed so different from mine. I just felt so....spoiled. So out of touch with how hard women work to support their families. This is not to say that we are rolling in the money by any means, but I can stay at home with my children and still live quite a comfortable life. I didn't have cash with me, but I have thought ALL DAY long that I would have liked to just give 10 or 20 dollars here and there to different women. I know I made up stories in my head of what their lives must be like--but no matter what their situation, I found myself feeling so much compassion for them. And a bit of shame toward myself for taking things for granted and not expressing thanks...or wishing for "more" or "better".
3) On our drive home we stopped at an apartment complex in West Valley to check out a place for our friend, Abraham (if you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you may remember that he is our friend from Sudan, one of the lost boys. We have 6 more days until his wife gets here! I will post more about that later this week.) Seeing the situations of some of the people living in these apartments saddened me once again. And the thing is, most of this stuff is quite tame compared to some of the situations my parents see in Russia, or what I saw when I went out with the sister missionaries when I lived in NYC, or what much of the world lives in/with any given day. I admit that Park City is quite the beautiful bubble. And I don't know... today there was a lot of sadness that hit me.
4) Was it all the extremely overweight people we saw at McDonald's after we looked at the apartment? Including the slightly mentally delayed couple with their child who ordered $50 worth of food? And was it my fearful thoughts about what our society is coming to that brought on this cloud?
5) I miss my family. My parents were gone for 2 years and are gone again for 18 months after being home for the summer. 2 of my siblings are far away. And Lucy... I miss my sweet Lucy so much this time of year. I fiercely craved family and friend time today filled with games and outdoor fun--cousins and parks and movies and laughter. Like I said, we had a great time with Vic's parents, but we all commented that it felt a bit empty.
These are some of my thoughts. I have much to be thankful for. And not because others "have not". My gratitude should stand on its own simply because of what I DO have.
And with that, I shall take my Zoloft and call it a night.
I hope that none of this sounded judgmental or ignorant. I am not here to judge anyone's happiness or life (or craft) choices. I am constantly trying to analyze my emotions and the birthplace of my compassion for others. I know I project a lot of myself onto their situations. Regardless, there is no doubt that there is a lot of sadness in this world. Some people have very difficult lives. Of this I am certain.