Friday, November 29, 2013

A Thanksgiving Ramble

I spent the weekend in Spanish Fork at my in-laws. And while we had a great time relaxing and eating and just being together (it was just our little family and Vic's parents), I came home this evening feeling very down. This could be for several reasons.

1) I went two days without my anti-depressant. Not on purpose...I just forgot to refill my prescription since moving from Park City. When this happens, the first thing I notice is that I get quite dizzy. That is usually the extent of it. But along with the dizziness, I noticed an extreme sadness. I could have easily felt this way even with my medication, but it seemed a little more extreme. Like...I was crying when I heard "Do You See What I See?" because the song talks about a child in the night shivering from cold. I couldn't take it and I broke down. That's when Vic looked at me and said, "Let's get that prescription refilled and transferred down here immediately."

2) I went to a boutique on Main Street in Spanish Fork (for those non-Utah readers out there, Spanish Fork is a small town south of Provo, UT--where BYU is located--It's filled with great salt of the earth people who enjoy rodeos and guns and trucks. It actually reminds me A LOT of the town in Idaho where I grew up.) The boutique had some cute things, but it was mostly filled with women who I found myself feeling sorry for. I wasn't looking down on them at all...I was genuinely curious about their lives and their situations. One woman appeared to have some extreme health problems along with missing teeth and no one was buying her outdated goods. (Fabric scrapbooks straight from the 80's and such.) There was a vendor entirely dedicated to antler jewelry...which I found very...interesting. And while I was not interested in most of what was being offered there, I wanted to know about these people's lives. These lives that seemed so different from mine. I just felt so....spoiled. So out of touch with how hard women work to support their families. This is not to say that we are rolling in the money by any means, but I can stay at home with my children and still live quite a comfortable life. I didn't have cash with me, but I have thought ALL DAY long that I would have liked to just give 10 or 20 dollars here and there to different women. I know I made up stories in my head of what their lives must be like--but no matter what their situation, I found myself feeling so much compassion for them. And a bit of shame toward myself for taking things for granted and not expressing thanks...or wishing for "more" or "better".

3) On our drive home we stopped at an apartment complex in West Valley to check out a place for our friend, Abraham (if you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you may remember that he is our friend from Sudan, one of the lost boys. We have 6 more days until his wife gets here! I will post more about that later this week.) Seeing the situations of some of the people living in these apartments saddened me once again. And the thing is, most of this stuff is quite tame compared to some of the situations my parents see in Russia, or what I saw when I went out with the sister missionaries when I lived in NYC, or what much of the world lives in/with any given day. I admit that Park City is quite the beautiful bubble. And I don't know... today there was a lot of sadness that hit me.

4) Was it all the extremely overweight people we saw at McDonald's after we looked at the apartment? Including the slightly mentally delayed couple with their child who ordered $50 worth of food? And was it my fearful thoughts about what our society is coming to that brought on this cloud?

5) I miss my family. My parents were gone for 2 years and are gone again for 18 months after being home for the summer. 2 of my siblings are far away. And Lucy... I miss my sweet Lucy so much this time of year. I fiercely craved family and friend time today filled with games and outdoor fun--cousins and parks and movies and laughter. Like I said, we had a great time with Vic's parents, but we all commented that it felt a bit empty.

These are some of my thoughts. I have much to be thankful for. And not because others "have not". My gratitude should stand on its own simply because of what I DO have.

And with that, I shall take my Zoloft and call it a night.

I hope that none of this sounded judgmental or ignorant. I am not here to judge anyone's happiness or life (or craft) choices. I am constantly trying to analyze my emotions and the birthplace of my compassion for others. I know I project a lot of myself onto their situations. Regardless, there is no doubt that there is a lot of sadness in this world. Some people have very difficult lives. Of this I am certain.

12 comments:

  1. You are the opposite of judgmental or ignorant. There is so much suffering in the world, and it's beautiful that you're brave enough to let it permeate you. Most people aren't strong enough to let their hearts break over the heartbreaking things all around us; it's too hard and scary, easier to pretend our own little world is all that matters. But I guess sometimes the vulnerability is too heavy, too overwhelming, and it bogs us down, and that's not good for us either...Like when you forget to take your Zoloft, or when you're pregnant and Finding Nemo makes you sob...ahem. Anyway, You have a beautiful heart and I loved this post.

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    1. Embrace the sadness. It is divine, and it makes the joy that much more clear, as are blessed to experience it. To everything, there is an opposite. And thank the heavens. Because it makes life that much more rich. You lost your daughter. One day, your joy will equal and then obliterate your pain. I daresay, you will experience a reunion so sweet, others will pale in comparison. You feel sadness to the degree you do, because you and sadness are intimate companions....you and she have traveled a road not many are strong enough to tread. So Zoloft to numb her presence? Go for it! But thank heavens, that to everything, there is an opposite. Perhaps your joy is at times as strong as your sadness? You do not need to justify yourself for the way that you feel. Beautiful expressions, Molly.

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  2. I can relate to so many of the words in your post.
    It was lovely and heartbreaking to read.
    Than You for sharing

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  3. I am so sorry for you. The loss of a child and having family so far away. If those people at McDonalds, WVC, or Spanish Fork knew your story, they would be looking back at you with the same sadness. I think your situation is as hard as anybody's. I am so sorry. What a heart felt blog. Thank you.

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  4. I'ave been following your blog for a while but I don't usually comment. I appreciate your honestly, especially with your depression and maybe the best thing I can say is that I know exactly how you feel. Or maybe thats not what you wanted to hear. anyway, i loved elder holland's talk about depression. Its about time that society, including the LDS culture understand and appreciate depression a little bit more. i hope your holidays get better. :)

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  5. These sorts of thoughts pull me down easily, too. One of these days I hope to run into you at the SL cemetery near the graves of our daughters. We would talk.

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  6. Dear Molly,

    I have lurked here for years and never commented, but something about this post touched me more than others. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending a hug from Boston...you will get through this.

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  7. Your heartfelt honesty and openness is what draws me to your blog. You never mince words and tell it like it is. It is your story, your sadness, your joy, your life....whatever it is, your blog always makes me stop and think. Just a short story: My car broke down over the weekend. The service guy asked, how's your day going? I said, just fine. He said, with your car breaking down, I would think you would be having a bad day. I said, "No, it is only an inconvenience, but there are many who do without, wondering where they will sleep or eat next, and struggling every minute of every day. I'm doing just fine." If I've learned anything in the last 5 years, it is that no matter how hard my life is or how much I miss my husband (and parents, who all passed away within a 7 month span of time), someone else is having an even harder time with life. Maybe they are missing their child or they have a child who is ill or perhaps they have had a terrible problem that has come into their lives. Molly....you do not sound judgmental or ignorant...just trying to sort out your feelings and trying to understand them. None of us have walked in your shoes....sure we've probably all had losses or heartache....but they are our losses or heartaches. I know others have lost their spouses but no one lost my Richard....only me. Only I can understand the depth of that loss. Same with you and Vic. I know so many who have lost a precious child.....but no one but you and Vic lost your Lucy. We can't possibly know the depth and heartache you feel. But as a woman...I think I can imagine it a little bit...just a little bit...and it breaks my heart that it has to happen at all to any mother or father. Now I'm rambling and making myself cry!! Suffice it to say you are one stong lady and you have so much to offer us by just telling us how you feel without holding back. Hang in there!! Smile when you feel like it!! Cry when it is needed!! And remember that you are loved (by family, friends) and admired by perfect (or rather imperfect) strangers!!

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  8. Beautifully written. I think we all feel sadness/compassion for others sometimes. I wish I would be touched by that feeling more. I love that this season brings it out in people. Hugs.

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  9. I hear you. it's not a place of judgement that your feelings about outdated crafts, or overweight people come form. rather, it is that you wish that their lives were just different. you wish you could change it for them. You wish their hard work would pay off, or that they didn't have to (or knew better than to) buy all their food from mcdonalds. You may have a comfortable life in some ways, and acknowledging our privilege is great, but it doesn't negate our own hardships and trials. I think your feelings come from a deeper understanding, and empathy of hard things. Of the pain and suffering that can happen in anyone's life.

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  10. I think Heavenly Father blessed us not to be able to take on too much of the suffering of others, or we would all be overcome and overwhelmed and inconsolable. He gave us enough to want to serve those less fortunate, or grieved. Sounds like you got dangerously close to embracing the cares of the world. It's too much. Maybe it's easier for a day to take on the world's cares, but your very own cares are more than enough. God Bless you in your journey. Lucy is blessed. Lucy is safe. You are blessed and you are safe too!

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