Monday, August 26, 2013

What Could Have Happened Today




WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TODAY

A brand new outfit.

An early wake.

Butterflies. Nerves. Excitement and anticipation.

"Mom, will you do my hair just the way I like it?"

Brushing out long golden curls and tying them up in a big pink bow.

Photos. "First day of 2nd grade!" Smiles. Hugs. So many hugs.

Little feet. Little hands. Opening doors and running down hallways.

Meet the new teacher. Notice how Lucy is the most beautiful little girl in her class.

Watch as she hangs up her bag and races toward her friend.

Marvel at her blue eyes and corn silk hair. "How did I get a daughter this beautiful and amazing?"

Goodbyes. Tears from Peter and Zoë that their big sister is back in school.

Waiting at the bus stop. More photos. Questions. So many questions.

"How was it? Do you like your teacher? Do you get to sit by Nia' in class?"

Fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Homework. Tickles and games with brother and sister.

Dinner prep. Squeals for daddy coming home.

A thankful prayer before we eat. Blonde, brunette, red-head at my table. Angelic.

Baths, pajamas, kisses and books.

Tucked in bed. "I love you, Mommy."

"I love you too, Lucy. I'm so proud of you. It's going to be a great school year."

Goodnight.

WHAT HAPPENED TODAY INSTEAD

"Good morning, Mom." "Good morning, Peter."

Cuddles in bed. "I feel sick, mom"

Hold him close. He could be gone tomorrow, you never know, but he's right here now. And he wants to cuddle.

I think I hear Zoë June.

There she is. She reminds me so much of her sister lately.

Diaper change. Breakfast. Cut up that watermelon and strawberry very small so she doesn't choke, OK?

Lazy morning. Cartoons and toys.

Nap time for baby.

Workout. Shower. Play with Peter.

Zoë wakes. Phew. I'm so glad she woke up and I didn't find her dead in her crib.

Lunch. Those sausage pieces are too big. I need to cut them smaller so she doesn't choke.

Fresh Market to hand in the coloring page Peter worked on. Turn it in for a free cookie and a free apple.

Free apple? I don't know if I want a free apple from the grocery store. That's where I bought the apple that Lucy choked on and she should be starting school today. Got a Jazz apple anyway. It's still in my bag.

Library, bank.

Squeals for daddy coming home from work.

Dinner. Brunette boy and red-headed girl at the table. An empty pink chair for Lucy.

Prayers of thanks for our health and safety and abundance.

"Lucy would have started 2nd grade today, honey. " A smile. A sadness in his eyes. "I know.... I know."

A deep breath. Baths. Pajamas. Story time. Tucking in.

Extra special kisses. Extra long cuddles. Extra long moment watching them sleep. Knowing an angel is watching them too. Watching all of us.

"I love you, Lucy."

Goodnight.

14 comments:

  1. Oh, Molly, this made me cry. Hugs and love.

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  2. My heart just broke a little reading this. My oldest is in 2nd grade. I just cannot imagine. Bitter sweet that life goes on. You inspire me with your grace and ability to express emotions in you blog posts.

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  3. Tears for you...I cannot even imagine the heartache.

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  4. This made me cry. I'm just so so sorry. Sending my love to you! xo

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  5. It's hard. I know. 34 years later, I still know. Where are my missing grandchildren that she would have had........? Our little one died in a car accident. Choking..... I can't imagine. I would worry every day, just like you. It does get easier (as I know you know) - but it's still there EVERY DAY. But, it's getting closer, EVERY DAY, to the time we will have our baby girl angels in our arms once again :)

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  6. Ok - now the tears....but nothing like Lucy's mama has shed. The thoughts of your daughter are so lovely, so poignant, sweet and beautiful. She is still Lucy and still your daughter...just in another place and time. Those milestones must be so hard and difficult. Still...it doesn't hurt to dream and to wonder. Thinking of you today.

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  7. I'm also crying over here as my heart aches for you & the 'would-have-beens'. You are so well-written and wonderful. I am sending mental compassion and love your way. Many prayers too. Love & Hugs.

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  8. Sigh... you are having heartache at not getting to see your Lucy begin 2nd grade. I am having heartache that I am all alone while my children are all at school and I have no baby to be home with me. Life is not fair.

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  9. Oh if only....I am so sorry your heart aches. I bet Lucy would have looked adorable. Sending you strength and love to keep fighting through the days.
    -from one aching heart to another....

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  10. Glad I'm not the only one this got to! *TEARS* I thought of you and my friend Mimi McDonald, and the Newtown families this morning. So unfair. Lots of love your way.

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  11. This is so beautiful Molly, thank you for sharing your life and your lessons. You touch my life often. Much love to your family and your sweet angel girl.

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  12. Thanks for sharing a glimpse inside your head and heart.
    Perhaps you should know that I often think of many of the same things because of your sweet Lucy--cutting up food small enough for example and just being grateful for the ordinary days. Love to you.

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  13. i love you. you don't know how you have changed my life. xo

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