Wednesday, August 7, 2013
I don't know.
I just don't know. Ya know?
I get up and do it all. You know what I'm talking about. I workout. I shower. (If I'm lucky.) I eat. I feed the kids. I wipe the kids. I chase the kids. I clean. I play with the kids. And then it's over and I do it all again the next day.
I just...I don't know. I'm kind of tired.
And something a little crazy happened tonight. It used to not be crazy. It used to be normal and everyday. If this WASN'T happening it was crazy. But it's been quite a while since it happened so it felt kind of crazy.
We went on a walk after dinner and when we pushed the stroller into the driveway I casually said, "Those shoes look so cute on Zoë." And as soon as I said it a cry erupted from my body and I buried my face in my hands and sobbed. It was a Lucy heartache sob.
It came out of nowhere. The shoes she was wearing were never worn by Lucy. They were a gift to Zoë after she was born. I have no idea what triggered it. But it was so intense and blind-sided me so much I am still trying to understand.
July was a stressful month. But I did so well with everything that I didn't really realize how stressful it was. And for the past 2 weeks we've had my neighbor friend who I've blogged about before (she lived in the local women's shelter last year and is trying to get back on her feet) staying at our home. My church helped her get into her own apartment and I moved her in today after going to the food bank to stock her fridge. I need to tell you more about this in another post.
My dad had knee replacement surgery. (That hasn't been particularly stressful for ME, but it is on my mind of course.) Zoë is getting to that difficult age where she is a wild hog covered in Vaseline when I try to change her diaper. And well...sometimes I just feel plain traumatized by my "ordinary" everyday life.
Stop the movement! Stop the sound! Stop all the information! Stop the Internet. Stop the phone. Just STOP!
So that's what I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. I'd say the times I feel most alive, most at peace, most in-tune with the essence of Molly are the times I'm speaking, singing, performing, running, biking, having a real conversation with a close friend, or having a joyful moment with my children. But the majority of the time I am wishing I could take a nap or watch "Nashville" (my latest guilty pleasure...love it), or have a moment to read my book. I wonder how I got so old. I just feel old lately. It is so strange to look in the mirror and look...older. It's craziness! It really is.
Again...I just don't know. Will we have enough money to retire? Are my kids going to turn out OK? And why am I missing Lucy so much on the night of Aug 7, 2013? I don't know.
I think it's time to finish that cry that started in the garage earlier.
I sound like I'm complaining. I have a great life. I really, really do. I just....need to remind myself why we are all here and what I'm doing. I forget sometimes.
Posted by Molly Bice-Jackson at 9:37 PM