FEAR--- A Re-post...because i needed it

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 12:05 PM

Vic wrote this just a few months before Lucy died. It's been on my mind lately and I wanted to re-post it today. Why? I'm not quite sure. But I hope you find something in it for you. 

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Fear

What is your greatest fear?..... What are you afraid of?.....

Do you remember those questions and conversations?

My nephew Grant once claimed that he was not afraid of anything. His older brother Jack quickly reminded him - "yes you are; you're afraid of storms".

Grant, humbly and wisely responded "oh, yea, I'm afraid of storms... and loud noises".

That is the type of man I want to be, carefree enough to forget my fears and wise and humble enough to recognize them when reminded.

I remember being afraid of different things. When I was 12 there was a German Shepherd and some Dobermans that would chase me on my paper route. They scared me. After that, girls, dances, failing at this or that, never getting married, getting married, blah, blah, blah. It is a decent list. Longer than some. Shorter than others.

Recently, I realized that I never really knew what fear is. It is only now in the last few years that I have known real fear. I think that is because I never really had anything to lose. I always knew that my family would stick with me, even if I was a jerk on regular basis. And I knew about eternal families. Combine that with the sense of invincibility that comes with youth and what was there to fear really?

Now that I am married? I realize that I could potentially be a big enough jerk that Molly would say "I've had enough of this". Then there is work: the fear of not being able to provide for my family. We've had some rough times with my employment. It hurts.

And finally Lucy. The other day Lucy was playing on the kitchen counter. She likes to play with the cupboard doors when we're doing dishes etc. I walked away thinking, " she is fine, she knows how to handle herself". 

Then I turned and I saw her fall in slow motion. Little by little she slid off the counter. I was moving but I couldn't move fast enough and so I watched her as I ran for her. I heard her head hit the hardwood floor, right as I got there. I scooped her up, just a moment too late. She cried and cried and cried.

I still know that families are eternal. There is no question about that. But I no longer have that sense of invincibility. To the contrary-- it has been made clear to me in many ways and many times just how weak I really am. And now I know that there is no guarantee that Lucy will be safe in mortality. I see the news, and have heard enough stories, the very real possibility [although unlikely] that something could happen is a level of fear that I have NEVER known before. I want to be there to see her grow up. I want her to be a part of my life as I grow old. I want to be a part of her growth. I know she is a part of mine.

Now that that I am an adult, now that I am married I KNOW fear. And I know it intimately.

I understand better than ever just how much I have and consequently just how much I could lose. The stories of Abraham, Job and others, which at one time seemed a little boring to me, I now recognize as gut wrenching beyond belief.

A friend of mine used to say: "Fear knocks at the door, Faith Answers, nothing is there". So that is my challenge. "Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted." I just have to remember to bring my faith to the door when fear knocks.
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If I recall correctly, once I wrote this, the fear subsided. I now think that the mental process which led to the above paragraphs was part of my preparation for recent events. I am now experiencing what I feared most. 

This will sound odd, maybe even wrong, but I feel like my fear was unfounded...maybe because I didn't understand what was at the root of my fears. Maybe because we really are as invincible as we sometimes feel in our youth...just not in the ways that we think.... maybe its that fear in reality is a feeling that we won't be able to handle something? I'm not sure that I have correctly described or expressed this. 

However one thing is certain: I can tell you that my trust was well placed. He did not leave me alone, but has sustained me in countless ways. The loss that I feel will be more than overcome by the joy I will feel in a coming day. At the least, with Him we are invincible.

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6 Loving Lines

  1. I remember reading this a couple of years ago when I first found your blog, and from time to time I've re-found this post to re-read it. It is a wonderful post that truly speaks to me and helps me process some of my more wandering thoughts about life and living. I have always had similar fears that Vic expresses in the beginning; my husband is the one who tries to help me cope with them by reminding me what Vic tried to remind himself above: these events, like what happened with your Lucy girl, are "unlikely". But the statistician in me reminds me that this unlikely probability is still too high to keep my fears at bay. My heart goes out to you and other moms today and every day, Molly. Thanks for sharing your corner of the world with people like me as we figure out life and all Heavenly Father has in store for us together.

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  2. I think your re-post was for me. Thanks!

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  3. That post is so profound and beautiful. I think the fears I had as a young person, a young wife, a young mother are so different than they are today in my grandmother years. I know loss in a big way....but now....my little grandson....so precious so wonderful so full of life and light....that is my fear now....will I have enough time, enough energy, enough, well, it is never enough, is it? I too am glad that He (my Savior)saved me, HE healed me, and HE loves me enough to give me challenges, to give me experiences that help me grow and change for the better (I hope!!), and most importantly to give me a chance to be with all my loved ones again someday. Thanks for sharing your wise words. I did find something in your post for me today. Thank you!!

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  4. Thanks, this has been heavily on my mind

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  5. Thanks for repting this. I shared it with a friend who lost her baby six months ago. You and Vic help so many people and I appreciate you so much for it!

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  6. I had an assignment in my writing class to explore my greatest fears. I remember starting the paper off with silly, voodoo, scary movie types of fears but in the end I explained my greatest fear was losing another child. I thought about losing another child often. It did not rule my life but it did overwhelm my dreams. Months later the unbelievable happened. If God was preparing me, I failed completely because I still have days where this life seems more than I can bear without my sweet baby and son here, but I trudge along and try to look good doing it. You too are really an inspiration to me. Thanks!

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