Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Overwhelmed with Love


A few days ago I posted a snarky status on my facebook page. I was EGGS HAUSTED. My body was screaming at me to lay down and rest. But my son was screaming at me to get up and play with him. 

Those moments are hard. Peter wants to interact and engage with me all the time. Yes, he will sit and watch cartoons for a stint in the morning, but he has a secret radar that tells him when his parents are getting sleepy and we can't even close our eyelids for two seconds before he is yelling, "Don't go to sleep!" I swear he even sends off a strong signal when he's at preschool and I'm home trying to rest. Sitting still and relaxing has never been my forte...but still...

The truth of the matter is that I am absolutely, positively, entirely and completely in love with my children. So much so that it completely overwhelms me at times. It truly takes my breath away and I just stare at them with a bursting heart. It is the opposite of the deep and brutal pain I felt when Lucy died. It is pure bliss. The only problem is that these blissful moments have a hidden monster lurking right next to them. It's the "If you love your kids in this moment so much and they are so adorable you want to eat them and hug them and bask in their incredible beauty than think of how much you are missing with your firstborn beautiful blonde daughter not being here too" monster. 

But I still let myself fully into those moments and tell the monster to just take a backseat for one second! I yell at him at the top of my thought lungs, "I can still love her and treasure her and feel her and be at peace with all I've learned from her and love the children in front of me even though she isn't here. So leave me alone! PLEASE!"

It works. But it leaves me drained. 

But my point really is that I love my children. And the point of this post is the joy that my living children are bringing to me. And it makes me cry that I even have to say that. But proud that I can say that, too. OH, DAMN you grief!

Back to the point. Just bear with me. I was talking about moments of pure joy with my edible children. 

Those moments usually end with me squeezing Peter so hard my thoughts turn to "Of Mice and Men." Or I cover Zoë with kisses for so long that eventually she starts crying. How else am I supposed to get it out? I LOVE THEM!

And this is why:


video
And this:


And this:

And this:



And 800 gazillion other reasons.

7 comments:

  1. Oh my....the picture and video brought tears to my eyes. Story: Right after the CT shootings, I took my little 2-year-old grandson to McDonald's. On the way out, it was snowing so I carried him. I told him to hold on tight, tight. Then I said, "I love you so, so much!!" I was thinking of how lucky I am to be with my grandson and felt so sad for those families who lost their loved ones, especially those 20 beautiful little children. My grandson told me without any prompting, "Love you much!!" A lady was eating her dinner in her car with the window down and heard it all. She said, "That's so cute. Yes, you hold on to him as tight as you can and never let go." I agree with her. You hold on to your children as tight as you can and never let go. You haven't let go of Lucy..she's in your heart forever and she knows that you continue to love and adore her. She is forever, her family is forever, and the love is forever. You amaze me and I appreciate your blog very much. As hard as it is to move forward after such a difficult, heartbreaking loss, you have done it in a very wonderful way. You family is adorable. I wish for you to have much joy and love in your life.

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  2. Oh how adorable. I can relate with my little guy - especially that "Of Mice and Men" reference. They are too cute, aren't they? It's trouble for us parents that our kiddos can get away with so much simply because they bat their eyelashes and give us a sly little grin, even if their expression has 'trouble' written all over it. And Peter with his little nude bum - he looks like he's up to some mischief for sure!! Thanks for sharing such sweet pictures of your edible darlings.

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  3. I have been a reader for sometime, but this morning my son was on me while watching the video. I am glad that your children can bring you so much joy, because Peter brought my little guy soooo much joy too. We giggled and giggled, I bet we watched it like 10 times!
    Thanks for the morning smiles!!!

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  4. You are an excellent mother, and an excellent griever. They are two completely different things. Take pride in both.

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  5. I always appreciate your honesty. I've been having issues with a different kind of monster, I guess, that likes to lay on the guilt with, "How can you be so angry with these boys? You weren't even supposed to have kids. You don't appreciate what you've been given." I just want totell it, "I love them more than I can even articulate, but when they try to flush 2 rolls worth of toilet paper down the toilet I'm allowed a little bit of crankiness!!!!" I love these kiddos more than anything in the world, and they always make up for any orneriness with their love and sweetness. Your kids are adorable. Finn came running from the other room when he heard Zoe's little baby babbles and giggles. He said, "I like name Zoe! She cuuuuuute!" (See he's pretty dang sweet!)

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  6. Molly you brought tears to my eyes. We all have our own demons and our own self doubt and fear and sadness we have to face. I am glad to hear that you (who seem to put together and the best mom in the world) struggle with issues too. I make it easier for me when I get in the rut of self doubt and uncertainity and fear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel how ever small the pinhole may seem at this very moment. Thanks for keeping it fresh and always being willing to share

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  7. I have been one of your faithful followers for quite a while.. I have debated on posting this for a few weeks and just feel like maybe I should. I stumbled across the song Lucy by Skillet the other day.. have you heard it.. If not when you are having one of 'those' days you need to listen to it.. I just shocked me how very close it was

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