The Best I can Think To Do

By Vic - 5:14 PM

Numb.

Stunned.

Upset.

Speechless.

Helpless.

I have felt all these things and more since the shooting on Friday. Again and again I tried writing a blog post but words failed me.

And here I sit, still sorting through my thoughts.

I should write something profound and meaningful. Isn't that my job? I lost a child so I should have some kernels of wisdom that make people stop and think. Or better yet, give them hope. Ya, that's what I should do.

No, I should write a letter to my children telling them how I'm dealing with this--how much I love them, how concerned I am for them. I'll plead with them to always be good and to always trust my love. I'll let them see how upset this has made me. Somehow, when they read it when they are older, they will understand my fear and my immense love.

Or maybe I should start a big campaign on A Good Grief asking for money. I could give a headstone to at least one victim...maybe more. I could partner with companies in Utah and form a fundraising campaign.

I could give an "Interactive Headstone/QR Code" to every family killed in Newton.

Maybe I should home school my kids.

Even my prayers were stalling. I'd begin, "My dear Father--" and it would stop there. Eventually crippled words would start to form, repeating themselves over and over again, "Angels, angels, angels. " That's all my soul could think to say. Send angels. SEND ANGELS TO THOSE ANGELS. Angels, angels, angels. Encase the community with countless angels. Send my Lucy angel.

So here is my blog post about it. And this is what I have to say:

I am a mother to young children. I don't have time to do all these things. I can give my tears, my prayers, my money, my thoughts, my heart, and my pleadings. I can educate myself on the issues threatening our country and be more proactive in my community. And I will. I am.

But the best thing I can think of, the thing I keep coming back to is this--Be a better mother. Be present. Practice intentional parenting. Just be there. Love them. Cherish them. Enjoy them. It's the best I can do to honor these families.

I feel completely helpless otherwise. But this is what my heart is telling me to do. This is what I should be doing all along.

On a related note, I want to tell you a quick story.

So out of curiosity I went to YouTube yesterday to see how many views "my" Mormon Message had. I scrolled through the comments and read something that made me laugh. I laughed because it was ludicrous. Someone said something to the effect of, "This is the worst Mormon Message I've seen. I kept waiting for the husband to have a change of heart. Where is the happy ending???"

Seriously? Can you tell me where the happy ending will be for these families in Connecticut? Can you tell me where the happy ending is for me once my daughter is GONE? There is no instant fix. There is no immediate happy ending. It comes after years and years of struggle and heartache too incomprehensible for the mortal tongue. Most often, almost always, it comes in the next life.

But in the meantime, I'm going to make happy moments--in the hopes of one final and last happy ending. It's the best I can think of to do.

And with that, I'm signing off the computer to go play with my children. God forever and ever bless these families.

 But I want you to know that for ME, the letters and cards and gifts and meals and phone calls and texts meant SO MUCH. Anything we can do for these families, this community, will help ease the pain-- just for a brief moment. Money helps. A lot.  I simply cannot wrap my head around the kind of agony that is happening. THIS ARTICLE hit the nail on the head for me. My friend Eldon wrote it. He is a beautiful soul.

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10 Loving Lines

  1. Thanks so much for this. I just happened to click on your blog (and I admit, I did think, you would have something wise and profound to say, because of your experience losing your daughter). So many thoughts have swirled through my mind - I am in charge of a large Christmas program for the children at my church next Sunday, and I thought, we should make it a benefit! We should make cards in Sunday School! I should write a letter of condolence to each and every family. All fine ideas - but nothing more worthwhile than what you suggest - parenting those I've got. I do think I am going to make it a point to have us pray as a family each morning, right before they go (my husband usually drops them at school on the way to work). I don't know. I don't know. No words. But I do think love is the answer.

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  2. Thanks for writing this, Molly. I, too, wanted to do a blog post, but wow. how do you begin? It is so very unbelievingly heartbreaking. I can't watch the news. It literally hurts my heart & makes me sick to my stomach.
    You are amazing, molly. Love ya!

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  3. I have read your blog for a long time I rarely respond but today. I am a mom, teacher, I had a baby die, I have 4 beautiful humans to raise and teach me. I am in utter shock and loss. I am trying to helping moms feel safe sending their babies to me and for me to feel safe sending my babies to another teacher I know is thinking of thier safety. ALl I can say is amen. Thanks for your post. Love more....... Every day

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  4. Loved this post. Thank you for your insight. I have been thinking also about ways I can parent more purposefully.

    Still. No words.

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  5. Thank you so much Molly. Because of you I found your Mormon videos and have spent a good handful of minutes watching them, tears streaming down my face. What beautiful, straightforward messages that directly address the guts of life. I am not Mormon and I know little about the religion, but I appreciate these morals, hearts, devotions, truths.

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  6. Thank you for linking Eldon's article. I agree with him that we do not allow ourselves to feel sadness. Of course we will turn the discussion to so many other things to prevent this kind of thing from ever happening again but when we do that, we also turn away from the families. They are grieving - DEEPLY. We should grieve with them....simply...openly. I hope that they can feel our grief. I hope that they know that though we can never feel their deepest pain, we are heartbroken, we will never be the same, we are ashamed that we couldn't save their loved ones and we will be missing those souls forever. The best thing anyone has done for me since losing my baby has been to mourn with me, to allow me to know their sadness for our loss, for it is their loss too - just as any child (or human for that matter) is a loss for the whole world. So much love to you Molly - always

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  7. Profound words, Molly. I loved what Noah Pozner's mother wrote as a tribute to him: Noah, you will not pass through this way again. I can only believe that you were planted on Earth to bloom in heaven." I think God's garden of little angels must be so beautiful, so lovely, and so perfect. None of us can fix all this sadness and sorrow but we can do some things (like you said)...be more forgiving, be more present with our loved ones, especially the children, be more compassionate, more willing to do something kind for another person, be more understanding, and be more loving. So, over the weekend, I turned off the TV, muted my cell phone, walked away from Christmas shopping and instead took my grandson to see Santa and to McDonald's, where he could eat his nuggies, choko milk, ice cream and play until he was exhausted. I know even though my life is not perfect, I can have perfect moments with my grandson that will live in my memory and heart forever. I too, will continue to pray for the families in CT and hope that many angels surround them with comfort and love.

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  8. I got excited that you were the star in a Mormon Message. :) But it's probably better that we can all share in this one.

    I just saw this post this afternoon and thought you'd like it. http://www.kuow.org/post/when-someone-you-know-loses-child

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  9. I haven't seen your Mormon Message and will go look at it. Hard to believe someone would be critical.

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