I have felt all these things and more since the shooting on Friday. Again and again I tried writing a blog post but words failed me.
And here I sit, still sorting through my thoughts.
I should write something profound and meaningful. Isn't that my job? I lost a child so I should have some kernels of wisdom that make people stop and think. Or better yet, give them hope. Ya, that's what I should do.
No, I should write a letter to my children telling them how I'm dealing with this--how much I love them, how concerned I am for them. I'll plead with them to always be good and to always trust my love. I'll let them see how upset this has made me. Somehow, when they read it when they are older, they will understand my fear and my immense love.
Or maybe I should start a big campaign on A Good Grief asking for money. I could give a headstone to at least one victim...maybe more. I could partner with companies in Utah and form a fundraising campaign.
I could give an "Interactive Headstone/QR Code" to every family killed in Newton.
Maybe I should home school my kids.
Even my prayers were stalling. I'd begin, "My dear Father--" and it would stop there. Eventually crippled words would start to form, repeating themselves over and over again, "Angels, angels, angels. " That's all my soul could think to say. Send angels. SEND ANGELS TO THOSE ANGELS. Angels, angels, angels. Encase the community with countless angels. Send my Lucy angel.
So here is my blog post about it. And this is what I have to say:
I am a mother to young children. I don't have time to do all these things. I can give my tears, my prayers, my money, my thoughts, my heart, and my pleadings. I can educate myself on the issues threatening our country and be more proactive in my community. And I will. I am.
But the best thing I can think of, the thing I keep coming back to is this--Be a better mother. Be present. Practice intentional parenting. Just be there. Love them. Cherish them. Enjoy them. It's the best I can do to honor these families.
I feel completely helpless otherwise. But this is what my heart is telling me to do. This is what I should be doing all along.
On a related note, I want to tell you a quick story.
So out of curiosity I went to YouTube yesterday to see how many views "my" Mormon Message had. I scrolled through the comments and read something that made me laugh. I laughed because it was ludicrous. Someone said something to the effect of, "This is the worst Mormon Message I've seen. I kept waiting for the husband to have a change of heart. Where is the happy ending???"
Seriously? Can you tell me where the happy ending will be for these families in Connecticut? Can you tell me where the happy ending is for me once my daughter is GONE? There is no instant fix. There is no immediate happy ending. It comes after years and years of struggle and heartache too incomprehensible for the mortal tongue. Most often, almost always, it comes in the next life.
But in the meantime, I'm going to make happy moments--in the hopes of one final and last happy ending. It's the best I can think of to do.
And with that, I'm signing off the computer to go play with my children. God forever and ever bless these families.
But I want you to know that for ME, the letters and cards and gifts and meals and phone calls and texts meant SO MUCH. Anything we can do for these families, this community, will help ease the pain-- just for a brief moment. Money helps. A lot. I simply cannot wrap my head around the kind of agony that is happening. THIS ARTICLE hit the nail on the head for me. My friend Eldon wrote it. He is a beautiful soul.