I think Molly may have mentioned it once in passing but I didn't want a little girl. For lots of reasons. I thought that Peter could use a little brother. Someone with whom to play, and conspire and rough house - I suppose I will have to continue fulfilling those roles. Mainly, because of Lucy. I was afraid that a little girl would look like Lucy. I was afraid she wouldn't look like Lucy. I was afraid she would bring back memories of Lucy. I was afraid she would make me forget Lucy. I was afraid she would remind me of Lucy. I was afraid she wouldn't remind me of her. I was afraid that no matter what it would hurt and make me cry and mourn and grieve and... I don't know. I had nightmares leading up to Zoe's birth; nightmares that still make me cry when I think about them.