Sunday, July 1, 2012

I didn't want a little girl....


I think Molly may have mentioned it once in passing but I didn't want a little girl.  For lots of reasons.  I thought that Peter could use a little brother.  Someone with whom to play, and conspire and rough house - I suppose I will have to continue fulfilling those roles.  Mainly, because of Lucy.  I was afraid that a little girl would look like Lucy.  I was afraid she wouldn't look like Lucy.  I was afraid she would bring back memories of Lucy.  I was afraid she would make me forget Lucy.  I was afraid she would remind me of Lucy.  I was afraid she wouldn't remind me of her.  I was afraid that no matter what it would hurt and make me cry and mourn and grieve and... I don't know.  I had nightmares leading up to Zoe's birth; nightmares that still make me cry when I think about them.

Zoe is here now.  She has red hair.  And I love her.  She is certainly her own person.  Sometimes she does remind me of Lucy.  Most of the time it is just a different experience.  She is Zoe and that's that.  I guess it will be ok.  In the end, as I said, I love her.


13 comments:

  1. It's amazing how thoughts can often be so much more traumatizing than reality! Fear can be so real, hurtful, and immobilizing. I'm so glad you have found peace and love in reality!!

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  2. This is so raw and real, thank you for sharing, Vic. She is beautiful and perfect---just like Lucy, but she is beautiful and perfect Zoe! I love her already & I can tell that she's already got you wrapped around her little finger :)

    Your family is beautiful.

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  3. Your Zoe is so beautiful. So is her sister and they both have a handsome brother. Life is so fragile....it is understandable to have those fears. But life is also full of surprises, like Zoe's pretty red hair. She is who she was meant to be. She was meant to bring you joy and peace. It looks like she is doing just that.

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  4. losing a child, and having a rainbow baby, is definitely a roller coaster of emotions one can not even imagine unless they're a bereaved parent. ((many hugs))

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  5. Yay for little redhead girls!

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  6. I love your share... and Miss Zoe's RED hair. (I was a red headed baby) Precious photo!

    ToOdLeS.

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  7. so well put. thanks for sharing :)

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  8. What a PRICELESS/PRECIOUS picture. And a beautiful post.. Thank you for sharing!

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  9. I love her too. And while I'm sure Zoe will play rough with Peter, Liam and Aiden can always help out in that department. She was a little trooper on our hike-from-hell!

    Beautiful post. I understood why you had so much anxiety about a girl, but I also knew she would be a little slice of heaven sent here straight from Lucy's side.

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  10. This is all so utterly understandable. It's kinda left right up down sideways, but it really makes perfect sense. Bless you all in this journey.

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  11. Wow Vic. Beautiful entry. The emotions and experiences are so complex, and I love how you bring those to life.
    Thank you for sharing your perspective as a father who is mourning and celebrating a new life. Our hearts are heavy for you, and full of joy for you.
    Ben and Annie Newton

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