Lucky for me, the one thing I don't have to compare is how cute and fantastic my children are. They trump all.
Well friends, I'm a woman. Do we not feel a million things at once?
So while I readily admit I'm in a better place emotionally than I thought I would/could be after giving birth, I still battle daily with mental crap-o-la.
Enter: Compare Mode.
Worst mode to be in. And I fight it everyday. The internet doesn't help either. (HI! You are on the internet reading about my life. Didn't I just say I'm writing this to help me DDD--digest, discuss, document? So maybe it does help). But you know what I'm saying.
Vic and I are in a few interesting positions in our lives. We both have felt a profound sense of being "different" lately. I first brought it up after being at the park with a few other moms---Women I really like and enjoy talking to and am comfortable with--but nonetheless, I walked away feeling down and different.
For one, our child died. It sets us apart. It just does. Plain and simple. I know I am stamped with that. Also, Vic is 40. Friends his age have teenagers. As will his younger brother when he is 40.
Families in our ward and community have a lot of money. A lot. They go on trips and have nice cars and can afford all sorts of lessons for their kids.
Vic is struggling feeling fulfilled in his career and would love to provide more financial security for our family. A lot of men in Park City own their own businesses or work from home and have flexible schedules. We have a large ward where we aren't necissarily needed. A million different people could fill our callings.
So and so lost their baby weight already, why haven't I? (Seriously? It's been 4 weeks. You are an idiot Molly--but you still love to think that thought and hold onto it!)
So and So has way more blog readers than I do. How does she have 3 children and still manage to keep up such a gorgeous and perfect blog and make money from it? Why can't I do that?
Are you sick of it yet? Ya, so am I. But where do I find the button in my brain to switch to a different mode like JOY MODE or THANKFUL MODE or LOOK BEYOND THE TIP OF YOUR NOSE MODE?