(This photo has two purposes--to show off the Park City weather and Vic's muscles).
So it's the month of May. Most of my readers know what this means. It's the month my daughter died. It's the month a part of me died. It's the month everything changed.
I can't believe it will be 4 years. It is just mind boggling and I'm not even going to try and understand it.
What's interesting is how much I have been focusing on giving birth and not as much on Lucy's death--I mentioned that before. I guess when you are this huge and uncomfortable it is hard to think about anything else.
But today at the park, during a play group sponsored by MOPS (Mother's of Pre-schoolers---you should really look them up in your area!! $50/semester for brunch, childcare, lectures, etc. It's wonderful) I met quite a few new women who wanted to know when I was due, what number child this is for me, and how old my other children are.
Of course this led to a discussion about Lucy. We were sitting right near "Lucy's Tree" that my cast from Peter Pan planted at the park. As the story unfolded, I pointed out the tree, which is almost in bloom. I got really emotional. It surprised me. I have been handling things pretty well and was a little blindsided by my emotions--which I tried hard not to show.
It doesn't bother me to talk about it with new friends. I WANT to talk about Lucy. I want them to know the real me and the real story and not just say, "I have a daughter and son and am now having another daughter."
These women were wonderful and kind and very sympathetic. I learned of their miscarriages (one girl bled for 2 months straight. If she stood up, the blood would cover her entire backside up to her waist--AND she was still caring for another child and had horrible health insurance), I learned of their living children, and I remembered that this is a busy, emotional, beautiful, difficult month for us.
The outline of our month:
May 2--The birthday of 2 of my brother in-laws (Vic's brother and my sister's hubby--Paul Jackson and Chad Larson)
May 5-Cinco de Mayo (ok, this doesn't really count but I thought I'd throw it in for dramatic effect)
May 13-Mother's Day (I sang a song my dad taught me on Mother's Day the year Lucy choked. Lucy was in the lobby with her daddy pointing to the speakers saying, "Mommy sing.") This is just a hard day. It signals the beginning of "the end" for me.
May 18-The day Lucy choked
May 20- Vic's Birthday (which was spent at Primary Children's Hospital with wonderful friends. The memory makes me sob). His birthday will fall on a Sunday this year--THE "Lucy Sunday" when a few of our closest friends at church reverently wear their bright pink Lucy pin/bow and don't have to say anything to us--only embrace us or smile at us across the room. Sometimes it is too much beauty and heartache to handle and I have to control myself from making audible sobs and moans.
May 22-The day we had to take Lucy off of life support and say goodbye.
May 26-Taking Peter to "Day out with Thomas"
May 29- 8 year wedding anniversary
And don't forget to cover the entire month with a big fat blanket of pregnant uncomfortableness.
I truly wake up everyday and say to myself all day long, "Please help me, Lord Jesus"--as I chase Peter around the park on his bike, etc. and take the jabs in my ribs from baby girl while trying to keep my right hip from falling off.
Update: since publishing this I started watching clips of Ellen DeGeneres on Hulu and am laughing so hard. WHY DO I FORGET THAT I CAN LAUGH?? This is wonderful! Please don't let me forget about laughter again.