I have a dream.
I've had it for a long time.
In fact, I don't even think it is my dream. It is far to superior to come from me alone. Surely it comes from a higher power and I am simply the conduit sent to fulfill such greatness. And don't call me Shirley.
It is to be the Weird Al of Mormon music.
For as long as I can remember, I have loved changing the lyrics to songs. Or is it that I just used to get them entirely wrong and it morphed into me purposely changing them so as not to embarrass myself completely. Like the time I thought Natalie Cole's song, "I Miss you Like Crazy" was "I Guess you like Paintings..." Seriously? And I sang it at full voice in the car with friends or at a dance and though nothing of it?
The point is, I started out small and innocent. Just swap out the word ME for the always hilarious potty-humor word PEE and you have an instant hit. I also like to use the word BUTT FACE in place of anything sweet and two-syllabled like "angel" or "honey". Works like a charm.
But that's amateur.
As far as the specific Mormon Market is concerned, the possibilities are endless. The director of one of my performing groups used to sing a song in green room, before the show started that said, "I see a light within your eyes...I can see it there, I know you wanna share."
Give it the Molly twist and you've got:
"I see a light between your thighs..."
Or the ever popular Primary song, "Here we are together, together, together. Oh, here we are together in our Primary. There's Amy and Suzie and Adam and Henry...Oh, here we are together in our Primary."
When I was Primary Chorister I'd sing (under my breath)--"There's short kids and fat kids and dumb kids and tall kids...oh, here we are together.." Until the 11 year old boys in the back heard me.
Mind you, songs are even better when sung in funny voices. Like the time Vic and I drove home from Stake Conference in L.A. We both lived just off Overland right by the L.A. temple. As we drove closer and closer to it I started singing (off pitch with vigor) "I love to see your buttface, it is so beautiful. And every time I look at it, I begin to drool".
That's when my rule-abiding, more spiritual and serious than me husband slowed down and said, "Really? After that great meeting? Please don't ruin it."
But he still married me and he's been hearing off key, sung with vigor, make up your own lyrics songs ever since.
How about this one for a garden store (not in the Mormon genre but too genius to not share)--"This mulch is true--ooh, this mulch is true--ooh. I know this...mulch is TRUE." You know the song. Picture it: someone turning rich brown mulch through their hands while inhaling the fresh smell of earth. It has local commercial written all over it.
Or how about for the center for skin diseases ad campaign-- "All the Shingle Ladies" (Beyonce)
Ok you guys, I've been way too sick for way too long and need more rest.
Come, come ye Saints, no toilet paper here.