Vic's sister, Joy, shared this photo in a blog post and it knocked the wind out of me. I cried over Lucy like I haven't in a long time. It scared me, but it was also healing--in a way. It made me realize that in my joyful living I am honoring her, but in my pain I feel connected to her. Which leads me to ask--which is more important? Honoring someone or connecting with them? And how can you do both at the same time? Is that why we have two sides to our brains? A body and a spirit? Memories and the present moment?
This statue is in Slovakia. It was created for all the unborn children in that country.
When your daughter dies and you think you are starting to heal -- you are. You are healing. As much as someone whose broken heart struggles to beat on the outside of their body can heal.
But when your daughter dies the pain can hit you out of the blue at anytime, for any reason. The fact that you live each day without her is reason enough.
And when your daughter dies it defines you. But you wouldn't want it not to. Sometimes the only thing I want people to know about me is that my daughter died. Nothing more.
When your daughter dies you live in a dream world. Aware that you are "doing MUCH better", thriving even, but constantly aware that she is not there.
The good times aren't so much "good" as they are triumphant. Because enjoying yourself, feeling at peace, having fun...those aren't your run-of-the mill emotions you experience easily after your daughter's death. They are hard earned rewards for having HOPE.
When your daughter dies you understand what is really important in life while not understanding life at all.
When your daughter dies you don't fear or fight getting older. You embrace it and have the ULTIMATE gift to look forward to in the next life--while simultaneously wondering and struggling with living your everyday life on earth and how you will possibly make it.
But even if your daughter doesn't die before you--life is still hard. I don't plan on ever figuring it out. But I plan on continually improving through love of learning, love of others, love of self, love of nature, and strengthening my balancing act skills so I'm able to honor and connect with my daughter in another world without falling off the tightrope.
I have no idea if any of this made sense. But a flood of emotions washed through me when I saw this photo and this was the best I could do to put them into words.