Tuesday, October 18, 2011
To the Mood and Back
On our trip to Boise last summer for a family reunion, my dad stood studying a wooden sign in my cousin's basement. I'm pretty sure he had his glasses on, perched on the tip of his nose. It was dark, and I could see him squinting. With my keen -5.75 and -5.25 vision, I already figured out what was carved on the piece of wood and was waiting to hear my dad say it aloud. I knew thats what was coming next. He finally turned to me and said, "Love you to the mood and back."
MOON, Dad. MOON and back.
Of course a million jokes were made as we laughed our way through them. "That's a great motto for you and mom". "Mood River". "Moods over MyHammy". "Moodglow". I still send him texts that say, "Love you to the mood and back" after I've expressed my frustration with him, or vented about my long and stressful day. (Now that they are in Russia it will have to be via email).
Anyway, the point is, I've had a lot of moods lately. I'm struggling guys. Really struggling. To the point of mental breakdown and admit myself to the psych ward at the hospital struggling. (Almost did last night).
I've been overwhelmed recently at the MENTAL toll losing Lucy has taken on me. I've had severe anxiety/panic attacks, insomnia... It's been awful. Mental illness is no joke. It is real. And it is scary. So very scary. I would take a broken arm, a broken FEMUR, give up an entire limb, to feel mentally well. I think feeling physically and mentally well are some of the greatest gifts any human can experience. Never take your health for granted.
The brain is powerful. It believes what you feed it. The pathways it creates are incredibly powerful. I am trying to learn more about how to change my obsessive thoughts. I am seeing an acupuncturist. I have two therapists. I am singing and running and facing the sunlight head on. I have meditation cd's, books on tape, and the most wonderful husband.
Saturday he worked on our back deck all morning and afternoon, trimmed the giant tree with a chainsaw in our yard, cleaned up the entire yard, went grocery shopping with Peter, then baked homemade granola while doing all the laundry.
He loves me.
He loves me to the mood and back.
I need you to love me to the mood and back if I am going to survive this. I need all the help I can get. Peter has been going to different homes in my ward most days of the week because I am too dizzy from lack of sleep to take care of him. Sometimes I just lay on my bed and cry, unable to sleep, unable to nap.
I will get through this. This too shall pass. I can do it. I will improve. I might have to go to the moon and back, but I can do it.
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