Hi, my name is Danielle and I live in Riverton, UT with my dear husband of four and half years, Michael. I found your blog after coming across your BYUTV short and have been reading ever since. I grew-up in Southern California and I desperately miss the beach! I love moving from place to place and meeting knew people which is probably why I love reading blogs so much. I was a nanny back East for almost 5 years before moving to Utah where I met the love of my life and married him. We have been goofing off every since! I was so touched by Lucy's story as many people are but what struck me most about your words, and what keeps me reading, is how much I relate to a lot of the things you say.
I have never been a mother. I am not sure I will be a mother. My husband and I suffer from infertility and we have been trying to conceive for three years. We have been through fertility treatments and are currently going through another round of IVF. From my perspective, I can't imagine anything worse than losing a child. If I am ever blessed enough to have a child, I could never imagine losing it since the struggle of getting it here in the first place has been so great. I grew-up knowing I would be a mother. I did not necessarily think about it a lot until I met my husband and I was shocked by how quickly I wanted to have his children. He will make an amazing father!
I remember reading a post on your blog that boldly stated, "I hate people who have never lost a child". It struck me so hard because I know exactly how you feel. I have often thought, "I hate people who have never had to experience infertility". I have days where I can't stand to look at pregnant women and when I do, I loathe them for the things they complain about, the ease of the conception (for the most people), and I am extremely critical of bad parenting. I am not saying that infertility is the same as losing a child but so many of your emotions and words, I have said myself or to other people. Some days I cry and long for a child so much that I literally shake with anger and emptiness. I know loss. I feel loss every time we go through a fertility treatment that is unsuccessful. I feel loss when I realize we will never have all the children we want considering the time and money. I feel loss when I see friends and family on their first, second, and even third pregnancies in the amount of time we have been trying to have one. Not all days are bad though. I love my husband fiercely and I have a growing amount of faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for us.
I once was a happy, bubbly, singing, dancing, musical theater nerd and I fear I have lost myself a little through this journey. I long for the day that I find that girl again and she is present all the time. I know she is still in there but I feel the moments that I really feel like myself are few and far between. There is such a seriousness in our house these past few years. I feel like I am waiting for my life to start instead just enjoying today...I'm working on it. I admire your faith, your courage, your words. I wish I was better with words because I don't feel like I can adequately express how much your blog touches mine and a lot of people's lives. Thank you for allowing strangers to get a glimpse in your lives. Peter is one lucky kid to have you as a mom!
With love and gratitude,
*Danielle sent this to me a few months ago. I'm curious to know if her latest IVF treatment worked! Please let us know. I just feel so much love for you, cute girl. As I do all of you.