Meet My Readers Monday

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 11:58 AM


DANIELLE

Hi, my name is Danielle and I live in Riverton, UT with my dear husband of four and half years, Michael. I found your blog after coming across your BYUTV short and have been reading ever since. I grew-up in Southern California and I desperately miss the beach! I love moving from place to place and meeting knew people which is probably why I love reading blogs so much.  I was a nanny back East for almost 5 years before moving to Utah where I met the love of my life and married him.  We have been goofing off every since! I was so touched by Lucy's story as many people are but what struck me most about your words, and what keeps me reading, is how much I relate to a lot of the things you say.

I have never been a mother. I am not sure I will be a mother. My husband and I suffer from infertility and we have been trying to conceive for three years. We have been through fertility treatments and are currently going through another round of IVF.  From my perspective, I can't imagine anything worse than losing a child.  If I am ever blessed enough to have a child, I could never imagine losing it since the struggle of getting it here in the first place has been so great. I grew-up knowing I would be a mother. I did not necessarily think about it a lot until I met my husband and I was shocked by how quickly I wanted to have his children. He will make an amazing father!

I remember reading a post on your blog that boldly stated, "I hate people who have never lost a child". It struck me so hard because I know exactly how you feel. I have often thought, "I hate people who have never had to experience infertility". I have days where I can't stand to look at pregnant women and when I do, I loathe them for the things they complain about, the ease of the conception (for the most people), and I am extremely critical of bad parenting. I am not saying that infertility is the same as losing a child but so many of your emotions and words, I have said myself or to other people. Some days I cry and long for a child so much that I literally shake with anger and emptiness. I know loss. I feel loss every time we go through a fertility treatment that is unsuccessful. I feel loss when I realize we will never have all the children we want considering the time and money. I feel loss when I see friends and family on their first, second, and even third pregnancies in the amount of time we have been trying to have one. Not all days are bad though. I love my husband fiercely and I have a growing amount of faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for us.


I once was a happy, bubbly, singing, dancing, musical theater nerd and I fear I have lost myself a little through this journey. I long for the day that I find that girl again and she is present all the time. I know she is still in there but I feel the moments that I really feel like myself are few and far between. There is such a seriousness in our house these past few years.  I feel like I am waiting for my life to start instead just enjoying today...I'm working on it. I admire your faith, your courage, your words. I wish I was better with words because I don't feel like I can adequately express how much your blog touches mine and a lot of people's lives. Thank you for allowing strangers to get a glimpse in your lives. Peter is one lucky kid to have you as a mom!


With love and gratitude,

Danielle Hall

*Danielle sent this to me a few months ago. I'm curious to know if her latest IVF treatment worked! Please let us know. I just feel so much love for you, cute girl. As I do all of you.

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  1. Start the adoption process!!! We have been so blessed by the miracle of adoption and felt that same way about pregnant women for YEARS before I was sent on my adoption journey! Our family and home would not be the same without our sweet little girl that we adopted 10 years ago. I have a firm testimony that adoption is Heavenly Fathers way of righting a "mistake" and letting that child grow up in a loving, righteous home that they might not other wise have had. It is an amazing blessing all the way around.

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  2. It is amazing how we all feel a bit of loss through any parenting experience. From not being able to conceive to actually losing a child from death. What gets me through our struggles, is that I know the Lord knows more than I do and he is guiding us on this journey. I don't get it. But I have faith in Him. I cannot think about it constantly or I will lose my mind. But, once a week/once a month, I let it out and cry super ugly to my husband and he brings me back to reality with his never ending optimism.

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  3. I too struggled with infertility and had to go through treatments that luckily resulted in a healthy child. I too felt many of the same emotions you felt and still feel as I struggle to have another healthy child. What has helped me is simply trusting that Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us and as much as it hurts, it may not be our same plan. I pray that you will be able to experience motherhood, but I know sometimes words are not enough. Best wishes!

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  4. Thanks for posting this, Molly and thanks to everyone for the kind words. Our current round of IVF resulted in a pregnancy but sadly we lost it at 10 weeks. I'm just recovering from a D&C and waiting for Hcg levels to go back down to try again with our frozen embryos. We are sad but we are not going to give up. We know we will have our babies, one way or another. Thank you!

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  5. Oh Danielle, I am so sorry! You seem to have such a positive outlook, and although I am sure there are days it isn't so, good for you!! I am glad you know there is a reason, whether we understand it, like it, or want it, but that God does have reasons and hopefully one day they will become clear. I am thinking of you and praying for your family to come to you in whatever way that does end up happening and I hope it is soon!! All the best, hugs, Emma

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  6. What touching and honest post. Danielle you are just beautiful and everything will work out as it should!

    ---also Molly check your email (i sent you the design)

    Love these Meet my readers posts! xoxox

    Aarean

    colorissue.blogspot.com

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  7. I knew I recognized Danielle the minute I saw her. She probably won't remember me, but I was at her & Mike's wedding reception. Ann Stolworthy was my best friend growing up & her & Mike & us used to hang out all the time for the first few years of our marriage.
    It's a small world.
    Danielle - I am so very, very sorry for your loss - of not being able to get pregnant & then losing the baby. It took us almost a year to get pregnant & then we miscarried, so I know a small part of your pain. And you're so very right - Mike will be such an awesome, awesome father. And I am sure you will be a wonderful mother. It was neat to read your thoughts & insights. We will pray for you guys.

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