There is A Blonde Beauty...

Thursday, August 25, 2011

There is a little blonde beauty who should be getting off the school bus right now to come home and have chocolate chip cookies.

This poem, written by Vic's sister, keeps running through my mind as I try to keep myself from turning to mush. A burning pile of confused and angry mush. 

Hanover Street

There's an elephant on Hanover Street
Where is my Lucy Sweet?
She was right here beside my feet.
Oh, there she is, high on an elephant seat.

There's a kangaroo in Central Park you know.
Now where did my little Lucy go?
I wish her bouncy curls would show.
Oh, there she is, jumping to and fro.

There's a monkey in that Redwood Tree.
But my lovely Lucy I can't see.
Where could my little sunshine be?
Oh, there she is, way up high and swinging free.

There's a butterfly perched on my ear.
Why isn't my Lucy here?
She might miss the world, I fear.
Oh, there she is, she's always near.

Jenny Jackson Robinson

It begs the question--Where did Lucy's Mommy go? I miss the light that used to be in my life. I miss the person I was before all of this. I miss what Vic and I were.

The feeling crossed my heart the other day. This is what it said in words--"I think I figured it out. Life just gets increasingly harder and harder. That's it.I just have to accept it."

Real or not real?


  1. That breaks my heart.
    I'll bet she's wishing she were getting off the school bus right now, too.
    HUGS to you Molly

  2. and yes, i think life gets harder, too.

  3. I was just thinking this today... about how life just seems to get harder and harder. But I don't think it is supposed to be that way. And sometimes it just seems so terribly unfair.

    Personally, I am trying to hold onto the belief that God never gives us more than we can handle. And maybe the reason other people aren't experiencing the struggles I am is because God knows they can't handle them.

    There really is nothing I am going to try to say to comfort you. I don't know what it is like to lose a child. I just know what my struggles feel like.

    I hope you start to feel better soon.

  4. I might understand (just a little... but different).

    When my Mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer... and she got very, very ill. Wasn't communicating anymore... and we knew she was miserable... I remember praying... it's time Heavenly Father... I don't want her to suffer anymore.

    After her passing I dealt with my loss and grief... and then one year I screamed... this has gone on long enough... I WANT MY MOTHER BACK!!!!

    I am truly sorry... that is just gets harder and harder.

    Hugs to YOU and Vic.


  5. I think that life does get increasingly harder. You don't know that until you live it. But someday, think eternally here, you'll be able look back and go, "well, that really wasn't as bad as all that, now was it?" At least that's how it is in my imagination.

  6. I'm sorry. I cannot imagine how it must all feel.

    I feel like my challenges and trials and heartaches are minimal compared to others, I really do. And so I hesitate saying much. However, I do agree in that I feel things in my life have gotten harder and harder. At the same time though (and this may sound cliche and like a total "mormon" response) I can HONESTLY say that I have recieved sweeter and sweeter blessings and comfort the harder things have gotten...

    (That's not to say I don't have my moments in which I hate anyone who is able to get pregnant just thinking about it, or people who minimize the pain of miscarriage, or who complain about their morning sickness...)

  7. I'm so sorry you had a rough day. I can't even imagine.

    On Sunday, I cooked up my wonderful homemade chicken alfredo for a friend in the Ward who just had her #2 boy. After we left and when I snuggled that little newborn, I felt all the same feelings I did before when my doctor told me I miscarried and when the baby wasn't a baby, it was a tumor (molar pregnancy). My due date was October 14th of this year and I don't think I will be able to make it through that day, knowing that I could be in labor, or already have my new baby with us. I felt so alone and sad when I left my friends house. Thankfully, I have my daughter who is a spit fire and almost 2, but when she goes to bed and when the house is quiet, I am reminded that I am still in the danger zone after a molar pregnancy and that I am still on guard for another 6 months before trying to get pregnant again.

    I'm telling you this because I think life is SO hard for me sometimes. I see all these mommies get pregnant and have beautiful babies, at what seems like a drop of a hat. It took months for us to finally get pregnant for #2, and it was a miscarriage at 11 weeks, and then the news of a molar pregnancy. We now have to wait 12 months before trying again. There are days I just want to cry. But I know that won't help me in the long run.

    If "going through the motions" keeps you moving, do it. I know the pains will lessen over time when you have more children and more things in your life to distract you. At least I hope.

    Also know that there is a HUGE blog family that loves you and prays for you!

  8. It just doesn't seem fair that the weight of every "should have been" will continue to pile on through the years. I am so sorry friend.

  9. You are one great mommy. Especially because you would have made chocolate chip cookies to greet her off the bus. How lucky Lucy is to have such an amazing mommy that one day, will get to show her all the love that has been reserved for her all this time.
    I don't know if I made any sense or even if my feelings came across correctly. But I just wanted you to know that you are great and that I remember Lucy.

  10. Not fair. Not fair at all. But lately I've been thinking that there is good and bad in all things. Just like everyone has their crazy, everything has its good/bad.

    Let's get together soon.

  11. I agree with you that life does get harder.
    I said on my blog the other day:
    To be good at life-to be happy, to be joyful, to be content, you have to learn to love pain.
    My sister called me worried an cried a little because she was worried about me. And I tried to explain it away but I do believe it.
    Life is extremely hard and painful. I do believe there is opposites in all things but I think pain makes a bigger imprint on our brains for some reason and it is easier to remember it.
    I do believe that we have to learn to love the pain though. It sucks.

  12. I didn't say before but I love the sweet poem.

  13. Oh sweet, sweet baby.

    I'm so sorry Molly.

    I don't know the answer to your question; if I did I am not sure it would make any difference. I remain your friend and pray for you both, so sad for your sorrow. M.Fera

  14. A friend sent me a quote the other day that your post reminded me of. It says, "It never gets easier. You just get better." I've been thinking about that a lot and how it does or doesn't or one day will be able to apply to me. I hope its true, because life definitely doesn't get easier. And for what's its worth, from someone on the outside looking in, I think its true for you. :)

  15. I remember so clearly reading that poem on your blog years ago and crying. I couldn't believe your beautiful girl was no longer here. I still can't believe it. It's so unfair that it doesn't get easier. I'm so sorry, Molly.

  16. Love that poem! It's so sweet and fun, a different take, whimsical and precious. It needs to be in a book with illustrations!

    I found your blog, always interested to read it, you're a great writer.

    Our son died nearly 25 years ago at age 11. Life is hard. It's also wonderful.

  17. As I read your tender post and thought of your little girl who is not getting off of a school bus this week, I thought how unfair it seems that I have five healthy, alive children.

    You bless so many lives Molly with perspective and appreciation. I echo what another commentor said, "You have a whole blog family that loves you."

    I am so sorry for all the 'should be's' you will face in this life. Love, thoughts, and prayers for you seem so trite, but what more can a stranger do? Much love. xx

  18. Seeing that picture takes my breath away and makes my heart hurt. She was SO full of life!!!
    I still can't fathom why you must endure this horrific trial in your life, but I hope you know that you are loved. Sure miss our get-togethers :(

  19. Sometimes I think to myself...I did not sign up for this!....I think it does just keep getting harder. I remember thinking as a teenager that once I got married I thought life would be easier...and so on. Boy, was I wrong. I am SO sorry for your loss!

  20. Saw a quote the other day that read "life is what it is, it's how we cope that makes the difference." Life's not fair, perfect, or easy. We learn so little when any of these things occur, which makes the triumphs big and small that much sweeter. I'm a ruminator, so these things are tough for me. Even tougher when things I don't like and can't control happen. I'd like to tell you things will get better, but when we compare we always fall short. Life just goes on come what may

  21. So so so sorry...really. Here is something I learned lately...

    Opposition + Knowledge of Choice and consequences = Agency.

    Whether you like it our not, you have been given a large bucket load of agency through major opposition. I know this does not take the pain away, and that is not the point. By understanding opposition, we also understand the choices we have in life. by having more choice (agency), we can therefore KNOW that when we use our agency to do good, we are choosing to follow God. As we KNOWINGLY choose to follow God, we will be blessed. All will be made right through the Savior as we bear our opposition valiantly.

    Thanks for letting me get all existential on you! Word!!

    Love you muchly,


  22. My friend just sent this to me and I thought I would send it on to you

    “ Pain insists of being attended to,” writes Lewis. “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. A bad man, happy, is a man without the least inkling that his actions do not ‘answer’, that they are not in accord with the laws of the universe” (The Problem of Pain, 91).

    Looks like I have another book to add to my list. I love CS Lewis.

  23. Dear Molly,

    I read this post and it brought back such memories. My Jacob died in June 2005 and in August I walked his big sister to kindergarten a block away. I got all the kids to their classes and started walking home. This should have been "Our Walk". That one block seemed like miles as I tripped over my heart dragging behind me on the sidewalk. By the time I got home I was sobbing. I again sobbed tonight after reading your post about Lucy. Life is not fair and it definitely gets harder.
    May God help you carry your heart.
    I very rarely step on mine anymore!

  24. Molly, I had this thought when I saw the picture of Lucy on this post: What would Lucy say to you, if she could sit down at your kitchen table with you for just a few minutes? Maybe she would be older now (I don't know how that works in Heaven!) and I wonder what her wise words, with her perspective of things, would be to you.
    I bet she would tell you that she is good. That she wants you to be good. And that you will see her again before you know it.
    I hope you have a good week--lots of happy thoughts from Idaho to Park City.

  25. I think that you and I are in the same place. My 16 year old was killed in a car accident in Nov. of 2008. I've spent a lot of time thinking about who I was before that day and who I am now. About the light that is gone and all of the things that I miss. I know the exact feeling that you're talking about. The one where you realize that life is only going to get harder. I think I've been fighting it for a while. Maybe I've known it all along. It's definitely real and I'm struggling to accept it.
    It helps to know that I'm not alone. Thank you.

  26. Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo

    Hi Molly, I don't know you but I have followed your blog for a while. I don't know what it is like to lose a child, but I know reading your blog puts things a little more into perspective for me and makes me hold my children a little more tenderly every day. I just finished reading a great book called "Heaven is For Real". Have you heard of it? It is an amazing true story that might give a little hope to someone who has lost a loved one. I'm so sorry for your pain.

  27. I'm so sorry you are going through this. So, so sorry. Most parents are grieving because their kids are getting ON the bus for Kindergarten and you are having to grieve because yours isn't. It just isn't fair. :(

  28. This poem is beautiful. It takes my breath away. Thank you for sharing it.

    During a very dark time in my life the Spirit whispered to me, "Life doesn't get any easier; it just gets different." This statement impacted me, and I stopped hoping for perfection or what I thought normalcy meant. Normalcy, in God's plan, is hardship...and it's not this way because He's forsaken us; it's this way because He wants us to have what He has.

    Thinking of you and Vic tonight.


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