Meet My Readers Monday

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 8:48 AM


JAN


My name is Jan Taylor and I live in Kuna, ID (it's near Boise).  I came upon your blog through a friend who suggested I look at A Good Grief after our son, Luke, died.

You were the first person that I felt like understood what I was feeling.  I went back to the first posts you did after Lucy passed and it was like I was listening to my own thoughts.  You were writing what I was feeling, but that I couldn't voice at the time.  It was very comforting, no, more than comforting. . . it was lifesaving to know that someone had been through what I was going through, and survived.  I didn't think I would be able to survive, live yes, but survive, or be happy, or smile again, no.  I didn't think it was possible.  But, you had done it, so maybe. . .

Our Luke died suddenly, from a car accident, at 23 months of age.  He is our 3rd son.  We have 2 older boys, Josh, 10, and Mike 8.  It has been almost 19 months since Luke passed, and I still read because every day brings on a new, unrealized challenge.  I have learned that grief is a never ending process.  I used to believe that I would eventually "be better".  Better is relative.  I have realized that there will always be a weight to everything I do.  A movie I recently watched described it like a brick in your pocket.  You will always carry the brick, and sometimes you even forget it is there until you reach in to get something, and feel the brick again.  It is something that just becomes a part of your life, like it or not.

Several months ago, I had to teach a lesson in Relief Society about faith in Jesus Christ.  It had only been a year since Luke had passed and I was still struggling with my own faith.  I didn't know how I was supposed to teach about faith if mine was still shattered.  Like any good LDS girl would do, I researched the topic.  I looked up talks, looked up scriptures, and what I found was this. . . if one has sufficient faith, a miracle will follow.  BUT, I had faith.

... I had prayed that Luke would be healed, and he was not.  Why?  What about the times when prayers are not answered with the miracle?  I struggled with that question. Until one morning, I woke up early, and could not go back to sleep.  My mind drifted back to this principle of faith and miracles.  Then the thought ( I believe revelation) came to me that maybe there had been a miracle, just not the one I had wanted.  I searched my heart for the miracles that have come since that day. . . like the miracle of eternal families;  the miracle of love between my husband and me, that our marriage is intact and has been strengthened because of this trial.  Another thought I had was about a prayer.  A prayer that was said with much faith, and that didn't turn out the way the prayer giver had wanted it to.  It is the prayer that Christ offered in the Garden of Gethsemane, "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless, not as I will, but as Thou wilt."  Did you know that he prayed that same prayer three times?  He pleaded with His father to help him, to take away this horrible pain.  But Christ added something to His prayer that I did not, "not as I will, but as Thou wilt."  And then, the Father answered Christ's prayer the only way He could.

And Heavenly Father answered mine the only way He could.

I am very grateful to have this knowledge.  I am grateful for you, Molly.  You have given me and hundreds (no pressure) of others hope that there is happiness inside grief.  It is possible.
Thank you,

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7 Loving Lines

  1. Very nice to meet you Jan... I am so sorry for your loss as well. What a handsome bunch of boys.

    It is nice to meet so many awesome people Miss Molly.

    ToOdLeS.

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  2. Thank you, Jan, for sharing some extremely valuable and hard-won insights.

    I wish you and your little family peace and continuing comfort.

    =)

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  3. Yes, yes, yes! I am so happy to hear you came to the conclusion that you have seen miracles. It is hard for me to refer to my daughter who passed away as one who just didn't get her miracle, and that we as her family didn't get ours. We most definitely have experienced miracles -- including the knowledge that we can claim our daughter as part of our family forever. I love the correlation of Christ's prayer in Gethsemane. Thank you for sharing. I bet you gave one amazing lesson that day.

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  4. that was AMAZING to read! thanks for sharing Jan!

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  5. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son, Jan.

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  6. Jan I really liked reading this. And for some reason I kept thinking "I know her..I know her....right?" And I can't think of anyway I actually know you, but sometimes we just feel that way I guess. Thanks for sharing.

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