My name is Michelle Tucker. I'm originally from South Jordan, Utah but now live in Gilbert, Arizona. I fell upon your blog shortly after Lucy's accident. An aquaintence from high school had posted your link on her blog and, intrigued, I clicked on it. I've been a devoted reader ever since! I don't know why I've become so fascinated with how people handle their trials in life. I don't know if it makes me feel more "normal", or if I like to see that people have it worse off than me, or if I just like to sympathize. A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that I saw you in Utah and felt like I knew you, even though I have never left a comment or a hint that I follow your blog. In my dream I remember introducing myself to you and telling you how much I admire you, and I felt such a sisterly bond between us.
My husband and I started dating our senior year of high school, and after a couple of years attending USU we got married in the Salt Lake Temple in 2005. Since I had known of him since 7th grade, I still find it hard to believe sometimes that I'm married to Jack Tucker! Ha! During my senior year of college we decided to try for a baby and planned it out "perfectly". And what do you know...we got pregnant the very first try! It was meant to be! Logan joined our family in 2007. Life was just as planned...go to college, get married, finish school before having a baby, get a job and move, check check check.
Our move to Arizona was exciting since I had never lived outside of Utah. We didn't know a single soul down here, so it was quite an adventure for us! But depression started to seep in gradually. I kept thinking "if we buy a house, then I'll be happy", or "if we have another baby, then I'll be happy" or "if we had more money, I'd be happy". Looking back, I know I wasn't in a good place, but we decided to start trying for baby #2 when our son was 18 months old.
Well, that was almost 2 1/2 years ago. We've been through THREE heartbreaking miscarriages, many fertility tests, panic attacks landing me in the ER, depression medication, many marital disputes, lots of tears. Our Logan is almost 4 years old and boy does he need a sibling! After the first miscarriage, each time I got pregnant I would reassure my husband, "Heavenly Father knows what we've been through, He wouldn't do that to us again!" I would hold on so hard to that faith. And each time I would be devestated, confused, mad, and abadoned when the pregnancy turned out not to be viable. It really feels like someone playing a joke on you, giving you something you desire so badly and then taking it right back. The pang of hurt and hatred each time a friend/sister announces they're expecting and can you believe it took them as long as 3 months this time? To see multiple status updates on Facebook of friends complaining about their morning sickness or their baby crying all night. And some people who struggle with infertility might say, "But you already got to have a baby...how can you complain?" I probably would have said that too, until I learned the feelings of unsatiable want, incompleteness, emptiness.
Reading your blog has truly been one of the biggest helps with trying to appreciate what I already have! Somehow I was lucky enough to have my Logan and I hold onto him so tight after reading from you. I know we've probably felt a lot of the same emotions through our own experiences. What makes us unique is how we let them affect us. You are doing such wonderful things. It finally made me so mad about what I had let my situation do to me that I knew I had to change. Yes, heavens yes, I wish things were different, were working out according to my plan. But it took realizing that I had to go through that refining process to become who He wants me to be, to finally let His plan become my plan. If He had let me have what I wanted when I wanted it, I can't imagine what kind of person I would be. That's when, very recently, my mind became open and my heart became lighter and I was finally able to look back at the past couple of years and see how I have progressed and learned. My husband also had something very similar happen and separately we were both inspired to start the adoption process with LDSFS. I still have doubts and fears, but I am so excited and hopeful! I know we will be able to expand our family. We wish the road to get here would have been easier, but we are learning to be grateful for the experiences that have gotten us to this point.
Thank you, Molly, for not being afraid to share the real you, and the real emotions you feel. Although not quite the same, I have felt that loss, bitterness, and trying to understand why things must work out like they do. I know we each need to go through our own hell, and if we have enough courage to try to learn and go through the refiner's fire, we can become who those around us need us to be and who He needs us to be.