Lagging Behind

Friday, August 19, 2011
No, I'm not talking about my 33 yr-old white woman butt. (Why does gravity have to do that? Why can't gravity make your nose smaller?)

I'm talking about the fact that people who hadn't even CONCEIVED of the idea  of having children when I was pregnant with Lucy, suddenly have "more children" than us. People who weren't even MARRIED when Lucy was born have more children than us. People who are TEN PLUS years younger than us have more children than us.

It is a bit of a punch in the gut. A cherry on top of our anxiety-filled grief cake.

Life isn't a race. I know this. It's not about who has the most kids (heaven help me) or the nicest things. I know money cannot buy happiness, nor can a large home or fancy cars,(great clothes and traveling yes). There is little to no point in comparing our lives to others--and I have never wanted a big family. HOWEVER, I am feeling a little left behind. Like an old mother. I am ready to be done bearing children and focus on raising them. I should have a 5 yr-old starting Kindergarten next week!

But I was put on hold and placed back at the starting line when Lucy died. And now that another baby isn't coming easily, it is making my lagging feel heavier.

I'm coming to realize the truth that we are not a conventional family, at least in Mormon terms. Vic is 39 and we have a 2 yr. old. Most of my girlfriends have upwards of 3 children.  This doesn't really bother me, so much as make me realize that we are a little "different". Losing Lucy alone put us in this category. But now I realize we are 'old' parents as well. Different is good. I like different. It is my life. I've always felt a little different. I'm sure we all have things about ourselves, our lives and our families, that make us feel different. Right? But it is hard to not feel like you "should" be further "ahead" in life. (Which I know is illusive thinking. Plus, we aren't supposed to "Should on ourselves")

So now we just need to get baby #3 here so Vic won't be 60 when they graduate from high school. And we can officially be the Jackson Five.  We've been "trying" for 10 months now. Maybe its my lagging behind. (Get it?)

How many "quotes " can I have in one post?

Plus, Peter looooves babies. 

It'll happen. Someday, somehow. It will happen. I'm not terribly worried, just thinking out loud. 


  1. I can't imagine how you feel. I am 37 with 3 children ages 12, 10 & 7. I am lagging though. I have similar thoughts about lagging and although our "lag" isn't the same, we are stuck in the same rut. I am divorced. It's been 14 months now. So by Mormon terms, I'm not a conventional family either. I see all these couples at church, holding hands, sitting next to each other in sacrament meeting, sharing responsibility for their kids, celebrating anniversaries. I am blessed, I have a lot of great things in my life. But there is that thought that I'm not normal and it's hard to push aside sometimes. I should on myself all the time about it. I should be married.
    I hope your next baby can come soon.

  2. We are right there with you. I am 35 and my husband will be 40 in a couple of months. We have two kids 4 1/2 and 2 1/2 but we both have friends with teenagers. We struggled with our #3 for a long time as well but he will be here in December!!!!

  3. I hope you find out soon that another baby is coming to your family.

    My daughter is still waiting on her first after 6 years of marriage and it is not easy waiting while time is ticking.

    Mister Peter is so sweet to that baby he will be an awesome big brother.


  4. Hi Molly,
    We don't know each other but we have several friends in common! I'm Beth Armstrong's assistant and her son Brett is my pseudo-brother. She introduced me to your blog when Lucy died. I would sit at my desk, tears streaming down my face as I read your blog.

    I think you know my sister-in-law, Heidi Preston (I'm married to her brother Todd). Anyway, I totally know the feeling of lagging behind! I'm 32 and Todd and I have been married for almost 2 years. At my baby brother's wedding reception a year before Todd & I got married, a friend of my mom's said, "Oh Annie, it's okay that you'll be getting married later in life." Uh, okay!

    And now we've been trying to have our 1st child for 14 months. I have friends that are done with their families and have 12-year olds!

    I guess everyone has their own "Story" and their own timing and while it's hard to NOT compare yourself to others, sometimes that's all you do!

    Thanks for your blog, Molly! I love it!

  5. Good luck Molly~ I am saying some prayers! Peter will make a great big brother!

  6. If it brings you any comfort, I think you should know that feeling like you're "behind" in your current dynamic probably would feel like such a pressure in another state.

    Utah's "special" that way. ;)

  7. Echoing the others...we all have our *things* that make us feel "unconventional" either by society or LDS culture "norms"...even our own families! You are an amazing woman and a strong mother. Sending prayers your way for those two lines to show up quickly!! :)

    And for the record. I don't think your behind is lagging one bit! ;)


  8. i was married at 25, took us almost 5 years to get kid #1. kid #2 wasn't too far behind....but 6 pregnancies for 2 kids? it's been a rough ride. on my side of the family, people have 4 kids in each family. on my hubby's side, it's 3 kids in each family. besides that it looks (to other people) like i "got" my boy and my girl and quit.... the social aspect of all of this is so hard.
    crossing my fingers and thinking of you.
    thank you for your blog :)

  9. Fingers crossed that it happens soon!

  10. no wonderful words of wisdom just know you are not alone.. with only 3 children here on earth (our 3rd son may know Lucy ;)and all 5 of my pregnancies were hard to come by (none of them came when WE planned them) even after all we'd been through (5 pregnancies; 4 c-sections,loosing our 3rd full term tho born very sick child after 20 days in the PICU 1 very weird and medically complicated mis carriage in between loosing our son and the birth of our daughter.. can you say insult to injury???) we still felt (trut be told still do sometimes) feel like our family is on the "small" side for the circles we run in (yes mormon!) I just know I would have NEVER designed my family the way it all turned out BEFORE the fact and there isn't ANYTHING I wouldn't give or do to bring my son back BUT Iam so thankful for every moment and being a Mom to an Angel has certinally changed me to my core, it has changed my whole family in good and hard ways I can not imagine my life any other way which has taken me many many years to be able to get comfortable saying... big hugs to you sister!!! sorry this was a ramble and didn't make allot of since!
    most of my story is here
    thank you for your courage in sharing and your will to give back! you are such a great example to me!!!

  11. I could just echo what everyone else has said, so I'll just say "ditto". My kids are all past the baby stage now, but there are times where I also feel like I'm such an outsider. I have 5, which in my neck of the USA and in my own family, has made others look at me as if I'm green with 2 heads. My friends, well most of them have 2 or 3 kids, in my own family, we've not been invited to family events because we have such a big family that they don't have enough room to have us over. It's bothered me at various times and made me feel like I have the plague but in the end, I know that God knew what was right for us and who am I to question everything? I never "planned" to have more than 3children but as the saying goes, some of the biggest blessings are things you don't plan for! Hang in there, I have a feeling something great is in store for you and Vic!

  12. We are "older" parents as well... at least for Mormon standards. It took us 2+ years to get pregnant with our first. In the end, the herb Vitex is what helped and did more than any drugs the doctor gave us could. In my case, I wasn't ovulating (sorry if this is too personal!!!). Anyway if you want more info feel free to email me. I just know that it was my miracle and has worked for many other people, so I thought I would pass the info along to as many people as I could. And now my boy is 2 and we are trying for baby #2. I am back on Vitex and praying it works again! Good luck! Once thing we all know is that the Lord's timing and will are greater than our own. My email is Also, we just moved to Utah from Arizona (my husband's family is here) so if I ever run into you I will say hi :)

  13. Waitaminute...vic is 39? ouch.
    In the big picture- You are different in the best of ways! We choose to celebrate differentness. Good luck on all your goals! in the meantime, be happy- happy looks good on ya! ( as does your nose!)

  14. Molly,
    You don't know me but I relate in a kind of different way. I am your age and still not married and now feeling the time "Crunch" to get married and have kids while it is still possible. I go to church every sunday surrounded by people who are living my dream of what I have always wanted, kids, husband, a happy family. I know that the Lord works on his own time schedule and just because I dont have very much patience, I am sure that Heavenly Father is teaching me a lesson. Just think you are 2 steps ahead of me on the progression ladder.
    Keep praying, things will happen on his time schedule! Peter will be a great big brother, makes you wonder how much Lucy taught him before he came to earth?

  15. Oh dear Molly. I could have written all that you just said. I am 40. Dh is 42. We have two kids, 6 and 4. One of each. After 9 miscarriages and so much heart ache, I can't seem to wrap my head around trying for another. It's been many years of doctors appointments, drugs, blood tests, and the ever wonderful comment "You just have old eggs." Well, geez, thanks.
    I still get the side ways head with the pouty lip look from friends and neighbors whilst saying "It'll happen, just have faith." Ugh. My faith has waned in the last few years. I'm so thrilled to have my two fantastic, spunky, funny, amazing kids. But people do expect that just because I had one of each, I'm done. That I just want to take vacations, have time for myself and be selfish. If they only knew!! What, do I get up and announce in testimony meeting that I've had 9 miscarriages and you guys don't know what you're talking about?? I dunno. I give up. I cry all the time about it. I think of my two great kids and how wonderful they would be as a big sister or brother to a cute little sibling. It makes me cry right now so I must stop. I just wanted you to know, I get it. It's tough here in Utah and in "mormon country" no matter how you try to avoid it or brush it aside. My heart hurts on a daily basis. I pray that your heart is lightened today.

  16. Oh boy do I get this. I'm 34 and with a 4yo and a 1 yo, most of the moms my age are about a decade younger. Of course this is in the Mormon world. Sometimes I hear women talk about wanting to be done having their kids by the time they're 30 and I smile...because I was 30 when I had my first. And of course you know our "different" too. We have our own brand of different, and while it doesn't exactly bother me there are pangs of sadness or ...I don't know...otherness, from time to time that I try to push aside. Good luck lady. For some reason Lamp took a long time as well...such is life.

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  18. I know what you mean about "different". Me and my husband were married 9 years before we had kids and now we have 2 but are going through a divorce. Life is interesting.
    I think we all want to feel we belong rather then scrambling to fit in.

  19. Sometimes it is good to speak your thoughts. I know for me, after losing Luke, I just feel like our family is so small, just having Josh and Mike still here. It seems, just as you said, everyone is done having more kids and yours just isn't complete. Mine isn't complete. Nor will it be in this life. I hate that reality! I just keep on trying to love what I have here, and hold on to eternity!

  20. This is probably of absolutely no consolation for you. I do know how you feel. I have an anxiety filled grief cake of my own.

    I wanted nothing more than to have 6 babies I waited to find Mr. Right, sure I dated like crazy but Iwas really waiting for Mr. Right. Did I make some mistakes in judgement along the just is. Then I found him. Or did he find me? Or did we find each other...doesn't really matter because after 3 years of promises and commitments and what I believed to be forever love. And six months before we were supposed to be married he told me "he couldn't do it"...seriously, out of no where. And I am not ashamed to admit that i begged him to reconsider. It had to be cold feet right? And then 3 months later as my daddy lay dying I learned that he never loved me, had been cheating on me for so so long.

    Before him, during him and after him I had a total of 14 abdominal surgeries the last a total hysterectomy for the "worst" endometriosis my gym has ever seen. I was 41, single, and would never have 1 child, let alone 6. Want to hear the cherry on my grief cake. The man who said he didn't want to marry. Didn't want children. Wanted to be alone forever, married some radmom girl he met after the cheating incident. He couldn't sto there though, oh no. He adopted her 5 children and then they had one of their own and named her, get this, the name we had picked out if we ever had a daughter. I wanted to die. I did die...a thousand painful deaths.

    In a million ways I have no earthly clue why I put this on the world wide web. Maybe it is as simple as this. Yu have shared your grief so freely sweet Molly. All in the hopes it might help someone else. I guess maybe ai hope my pain will help you know you a not alone. Mostly because none of this has made me bitter or hard toward life. And what it has done is make me want things for others more than I would ever want them for myself.

    So I will tell you this Molly Bice Jackson, wife to Vic, mama to Lucy and Peter...there is another baby out there to complete the Jacskon Five. Beautiful Lucy is just very choosy and will only send those most perfect baby to her beloved family. "Be still and know I am God"...He hears your prayers Molly and so does she! God bless you!

  21. I too feel some of your pain. Although I was married at 19 and had my first child at 21. After 6 years we have not been able to have anymore. We have prayed and prayed and fasted and prayed. Every single Dr. I have gone to has told me the same thing..."there is nothing wrong."

    Our beautiful daughter was injured in a freak accident and received a traumatic brain injury at the age of 3. We almost lost her. She ended up have 30% of her left frontal lobe removed. But she has very few signs of any trauma.

    Heavenly Father will give us another baby when He is ready to. I seriously hated hearing that from people. But I have learned that it's true. We have been blessed with a BEAUTIFUL little girl.

    I too wil keep you in my prayers that your SWEET family will grow as well.


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