I'm talking about the fact that people who hadn't even CONCEIVED of the idea of having children when I was pregnant with Lucy, suddenly have "more children" than us. People who weren't even MARRIED when Lucy was born have more children than us. People who are TEN PLUS years younger than us have more children than us.
It is a bit of a punch in the gut. A cherry on top of our anxiety-filled grief cake.
Life isn't a race. I know this. It's not about who has the most kids (heaven help me) or the nicest things. I know money cannot buy happiness, nor can a large home or fancy cars,(great clothes and traveling yes). There is little to no point in comparing our lives to others--and I have never wanted a big family. HOWEVER, I am feeling a little left behind. Like an old mother. I am ready to be done bearing children and focus on raising them. I should have a 5 yr-old starting Kindergarten next week!
But I was put on hold and placed back at the starting line when Lucy died. And now that another baby isn't coming easily, it is making my lagging feel heavier.
I'm coming to realize the truth that we are not a conventional family, at least in Mormon terms. Vic is 39 and we have a 2 yr. old. Most of my girlfriends have upwards of 3 children. This doesn't really bother me, so much as make me realize that we are a little "different". Losing Lucy alone put us in this category. But now I realize we are 'old' parents as well. Different is good. I like different. It is my life. I've always felt a little different. I'm sure we all have things about ourselves, our lives and our families, that make us feel different. Right? But it is hard to not feel like you "should" be further "ahead" in life. (Which I know is illusive thinking. Plus, we aren't supposed to "Should on ourselves")
So now we just need to get baby #3 here so Vic won't be 60 when they graduate from high school. And we can officially be the Jackson Five. We've been "trying" for 10 months now. Maybe its my lagging behind. (Get it?)
How many "quotes " can I have in one post?
Plus, Peter looooves babies.
It'll happen. Someday, somehow. It will happen. I'm not terribly worried, just thinking out loud.