I never do anything like this, but I am so intrigued and inspired by you and I want you to know a little about me.
I can't recall when or how exactly I found your blog. It was shortly after little Lucy's death. I will never forget reading it. I sobbed. Totally and completely sobbed.
I have a little boy that is the same age as Lucy and I just couldn't imagine the kind of pain you were going through.
My first baby (who is Lucy's age) was a huge change in my life. I wanted him, planned for him, but shortly after I delivered him-I found that motherhood wasn't all the glory I had expected it to be. I was tired, missed my gratifying job, felt fat and my whole life had suddenly changed in a matter of seconds. After a few months, I realized what motherhood was really about and just accepted that I just wasn't going to get the sleep or freedom that I had once enjoyed.
BUT the reason I tell you this is because when I came across your blog a couple years or so ago, things changed for me. All of the sudden I had a new perspective on the love I held for my Caden. He was my world and my every reason for belonging on earth. I cried tears of sadness of the time that I had spent wishing that things were different in my life thinking about you and how you would have given anything to have changed your situation. It was a great wake-up call. I will never be able to thank you for sharing your experience so candidly.
Another reason I love you and your blog so much is because we are very similar. I am a Mormon girl who loves to sing, dance, exercise, travel, enjoy good friends, and ski. But I also deal with depression, anxiety, and sometimes it causes me a lot of pain. One of the things I struggle with is the fear of death. You'd think with the knowledge we have with dying that I'd not worry so much about it, but it doesn't really help. I worry all the time about losing my husband, my children, or dying young myself. In some ways it's been a blessing because I always live like I'm dying and try to savor every moment I have with my kids, hubby, etc. I enjoy reading people's blogs who are very real with their feelings. I think it's healthy to be so honest. Some people don't understand it, but I totally get it. This mortal life can be so terribly hard and wonderful all at the same time. I'm forever thankful for people like you that have been through something so terribly unexpected and difficult and yet you have picked yourself up and done so much for the community around you. You share the good times and the bad. It's so refreshing.
Thanks for writing. Keep it up. I always look forward to them.
I hope to someday meet you!