Friday, April 8, 2011
To My Son Peter,
As I sit at the computer to compose your birthday letter, a monkey has taken over your crib upstairs. I can hear him hooting and hollering and shaking the bars of your "cage". I know you are no longer a little baby, but I didn't realize I'd gotten a monkey when you transformed into a little boy. Today you turn TWO. TWO! We made it to two!
Peter, you test my patience like no other. Your energy level astounds me. Your number one goal in life is to be outside, which doesn't fair well in a climate like Park City. But nothing detracts you from your goal. I hope this characteristic serves you well in life. I'm sure it will.
Even though I lost your sister in a very tragic and painful way, and have learned to value human life and motherhood more than I thought possible, I still have my moments of sheer madness-- Where I have to tie my hands behind my back so I don't hurt you because you are such a little scoundrel! I just keep thinking, "Kids are cute for a REASON!" Survival my son. Survival.
Hopefully you won't just survive my heavily imperfect mothering, you will thrive and live to tell the tale.And let me tell you, your cuteness defies all description And I'm not just talking about your thick, soft, full head of wavy hair that everyone and their dog envies and points out (which says something considering how many dogs there are in this town), but I'm talking about your entire being. Your smile, your spirit, your wit, your humor, your personality, your lovableness, your perception and smarts. It is as if your whole reason for being is simply to BE LOVED. You were made for love. To give and receive it. And that is precisely what you have done for me.
You have saved me.
You have saved me from myself. You have saved me from despair and hopelessness. You have shown me how to live again. I am amazed at how often I think about your birth day. I will never and can never forget your angelic face and perfect little body lying next to me in the hospital bed. It was a gray Wednesday, with wet weather and rainbows out the window. Much like today. I stared and stared until I thought my heart would explode. To experience both sides of the veil, both sides of the human experience, so close together was astounding. The death of your sister, and the birth of you. It was more than my heart could bear. A crater was created when Lucy died, and you have helped to fill it my son. Even when you pull my hair and slap my face and head butt my collar bone, I still thank the heavens above for giving me a second star. My little Peter Pan.
Mommy rarely feels like a "normal" person. Especially around other moms who haven't lost children. There is often an elephant in the room that is never addressed. But with you, Peter, you don't care about the elephant. It's as if you don't even see it. You allow me to feel loved and present and valued and adored with no strings attached, no misconceptions, no awkwardness, and no elephants, no issues. Just mommy, daddy, and Lucy. (Whom you call, "Marma").
I may not be rich or famous or amount to much in this life, but I have two brilliant stars embedded in my heart that make me shine brighter and prouder than any other. You will grow up as the oldest living child, and others will see you as my first star, but you are my second star, and you make our family twinkle and have helped guide us back to the path we are trying to find. I am forever indebted to you, Peter.
I hope today is a magical day for you. I hope the choo-choo train cake turns out ok and the little party is a success.
I love you forever and ever, all the way to Neverland,
Things you enjoy:
-Watching movies in bed in the morning while drinking milk, and at night before bedtime
-Going for rides in Stinky's red Jeep
-Splashing in puddles
-Petting gogies (doggies)
-Blessing your food (quite possibly the cutest thing I've ever seen)
-Showing me your "cute" face, and "brave and strong", and "cry", and "happy".
-Cuddling with your taggie while you suck your thumb
-Singing "Itsy, Bitsy, Spider"
Words you say:
-Koo Koo (Cookie--this was your first word!)
-Buh, Buh, Buh (Book!)
-Go, go, go!
-emah emah emah (milk. while signing)
-ahhh (after giving hugs and kisses)
-TWO (with the same inflection as your sister, only she said it in Spanish)
-Ashes, Ashes (for Ring Around the Rosie--which must be played on Mommy and Daddy's big bed)
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