Second Star

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 12:36 PM

 

To My Son Peter,

As I sit at the computer to compose your birthday letter, a monkey has taken over your crib upstairs. I can hear him hooting and hollering and shaking the bars of your "cage". I know you are no longer a little baby, but I didn't realize I'd gotten a monkey when you transformed into a little boy. Today you turn TWO. TWO! We made it to two!

Peter, you test my patience like no other. Your energy level astounds me. Your number one goal in life is to be outside, which doesn't fair well in a climate like Park City. But nothing detracts you from your goal. I hope this characteristic serves you well in life. I'm sure it will.

Even though I lost your sister in a very tragic and painful way, and have learned to value human life and motherhood more than I thought possible, I still have my moments of sheer madness-- Where I have to tie my hands behind my back so I don't hurt you because you are such a little scoundrel! I just keep thinking, "Kids are cute for a REASON!" Survival my son. Survival.

 Hopefully you won't just survive my heavily imperfect mothering, you will thrive and live to tell the tale.And let me tell you, your cuteness defies all description And I'm not just talking about your thick, soft, full head of wavy hair that everyone and their dog envies and points out (which says something considering how many dogs there are in this town), but I'm talking about your entire being. Your smile, your spirit, your wit, your humor, your personality, your lovableness, your perception and smarts. It is as if your whole reason for being is simply to BE LOVED. You were made for love. To give and receive it. And that is precisely what you have done for me.

You have saved me.

You have saved me from myself. You have saved me from despair and hopelessness. You have shown me how to live again. I am amazed at how often I think about your birth day. I will never and can never forget your angelic face and perfect little body lying next to me in the hospital bed. It was a gray Wednesday, with wet weather and rainbows out the window. Much like today. I stared and stared until I thought my heart would explode. To experience both sides of the veil, both sides of the human experience, so close together was astounding. The death of your sister, and the birth of you. It was more than my heart could bear. A crater was created when Lucy died, and you  have helped to fill it my son. Even when you pull my hair and slap my face and head butt my collar bone, I still thank the heavens above for giving me a second star. My little Peter Pan.

Mommy rarely feels like a "normal" person. Especially around other moms who haven't lost children. There is often an elephant in the room that is never addressed. But with you, Peter, you don't care about the elephant. It's as if you don't even see it. You allow me to feel loved and present and valued and adored with no strings attached, no misconceptions, no awkwardness, and no elephants, no issues. Just mommy, daddy, and Lucy. (Whom you call, "Marma").

I may not be rich or famous or amount to much in this life, but I have two brilliant stars embedded in my heart that make me shine brighter and prouder than any other. You will grow up as the oldest living child, and others will see you as my first star, but you are my second star, and you make our family twinkle and have helped guide us back to the path we are trying to find. I am forever indebted to you, Peter.

I hope today is a magical day for you. I hope the choo-choo train cake turns out ok and the little party is a success.

I love you forever and ever, all the way to Neverland,

Mommy Molly

Things you enjoy:

-Watching movies in bed in the morning while drinking milk, and at night before bedtime
-Going for rides in Stinky's red Jeep
-Cookies
-Bubbles
-Reading Books
-Milk
-Being outside
-Throwing rocks
-Splashing in puddles
-Petting gogies (doggies)
-Blessing your food (quite possibly the cutest thing I've ever seen)
-Showing me your "cute" face, and "brave and strong", and "cry", and "happy".
-Cuddling with your taggie while you suck your thumb
-Climbing
-Running
-Singing "Itsy, Bitsy, Spider"


Words you say:
-Bye bye
-Koo Koo (Cookie--this was your first word!)
-Ah-Oh, NO!
-Nana
-Papa
-Mama
-Dada
-NO
-Buh, Buh, Buh (Book!)
-Go, go, go!
-Bus
-emah emah emah (milk. while signing)
-ahhh (after giving hugs and kisses)
-Cheese
-TWO (with the same inflection as your sister, only she said it in Spanish)
-Oh, Shoot!
-Ashes, Ashes (for Ring Around the Rosie--which must be played on Mommy and Daddy's big bed)



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22 Loving Lines

  1. Happy Birthday Peter boy! Molly, you are brillant at writing. Do you know that? What a PERFECT letter. Thanks for sharing. Happy day for you all.

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  2. Oh Happy Birthday dear Peter!! You have been blessed with wonderful parents!! What a precious day to celebrate. Love, the Feras.

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  3. Happy birthday Peter! That is a wonderful letter, Molly- everytime I read your blog I admire your strength. You are an amazing person.

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  4. Happy HAppy Birthday to you sweet Peter! Live it up, I don't remember much about being two, but I have two two year olds just like you and they are loving it.

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  5. Molly, I love how you can put into words how I am feeling. . . when Luke died there was a GIGANTIC crater created and I don't know how to fill it. Will having another baby do that? Is it supposed to be filled? Molly, you are wonderful and help so many others. Thanks for your words!
    And Happy Birthday Peter!

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  6. Happy Birthday to Peter!!! That football costume is PRICELESS.

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  7. I don't know what it is about little boys but they have a very special way of wiggling their energetic dirty little selves right into a very special place in their mamas hearts. He is adorable. I hope the train cake and party turned out great and I hope a very bright star shines over your house tonight.

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  8. i so appreciate your honesty about your feelings as a mother. people like you humble me and make me appreicate things more. You are a beautiful woman! I hope you and the bday boy have a great day! :)

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  9. So beautiful. Happy birthday, darling Peter. Your family is amazing and so are you!

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  10. Happy Birthday Mister Peter *Ü*
    your precious Momma's star!

    ...beautifully written Miss Molly!

    ToOdLeS.

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  11. Happy Birthday, Peter!

    Beautifully composed, Molly. What a lucky little boy to have you, Vic, & Lucy. Sweetness.

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  12. Happy Birthday Peter. Oh Molly how he will treasure this letter in years to come. You express yourself beautifully and tenderly, and also painfully truthfully. This letter will serve him well one day! You've given him a birthday gift that will last his lifetime...

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  13. Awwww! Happy birthday, sweet little guy! :)

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  14. Oh, happy, happy birthday to Peter, and rebirth-day to you :) You are certainly an extraordinary woman, Molly. And I hope you guys didn't get too pounded with snow down there :(

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  15. Happy birthday Peter! What a beautiful boy! You are such an eloquent writer. I can feel the love for your children through your writing. Peter will always know and have a love for Lucy, because of you. What a treasure! Happy 2nd b-day to Peter!

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  16. Happy Birthday Peter Pan...you a a breath of life for your mama and dada and joy personified for those that love you.

    Sweet Mommy Molly...I am so happy you have made it to two. I understand the significance of this, we all do, your living readers I mean. This letter is such a gift and will one day touch Peter's heart in a way you can only imagine. I know, I really do.

    My brother died 43 years ago this April 12th. Was Peter's age when he died. When I was a junior in high school (I went tona Jesuit school) I went on a retreat and unbeknownst to me a part of that retreat included what was called Palanca. Palanca is a Native American Indian word that translates to love letter. Each girl would go back to their cabin and on their bunk was a Manila envelope filled with Palanca. I still go on this retreat as a cabin mom each year and it is precious to me t watch as these young woman get affirmations of their talents, impact in the world, the deep live that is felt for each of them. My very first Palanca from my mama is tucked away in my Bible. She said so many wonderful things but the most beautiful was when she told me I had saved her after my brothers death (he was 6 when he died). Her Palanca is among my most cherished possessions. I have always known my mommy loved me, but as I grew older always wondered how she mananged burying her only son after 4 year battle with leukemia all while raising three little girls. I was the youngest and was sure I was a burden. I knew in that moment, in that dark candle lit cabin that my mama love me for and not as an after thought or replacement for our David.

    One day Peter, when he is much older may wonder how hard it must have been for you to have him so soon after Lucy's death. What your Palanca affirms is that God makes no mistakes and his life has meaning and purpose. More than anything he will always know of your deep and unconditional love. The Greek word for this kind of perfect, Godly inspired love is Agape...you letter is filled with it.

    God certainly blessed you the day Peter was born, but oh how he blessed Peter with you!

    Happy Secon Birthday Peter Pan!

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  17. Beautiful! Happy Birthday to a darling little man!

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  18. Happy Birthday Peter! And Molly that was written beautifully it brought tears to my eyes as so many of your wonderful posts do.

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  19. Happy Birthday Peter! Happy "Birth" day to you too Molly!

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  20. Happy Birthday Peter! I have always said the most mischevious kiddos have the cutest faces and biggest personalities that melt their mamas hearts...pure survival for them! I have 2 of them! Enjoy every moment because think of what amazing things he will accomplish in life with all that energy and charisma!

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  21. Happy birthday Peter!

    Molly, your letter brought tears to my eyes. I love the honesty you write with.

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