A Similar Fate

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 4:05 PM

The bereaved do interesting things. We calculate and plot out dates and details of the tragic events surrounding our loss. Actually, we don't calculate, our bodies and souls do that for us. They dictate our emotions and memories and trigger feelings we can't control. The calender just so happens to coincide. As much as our souls are not creatures of time, they are definitely slaves to it.

Did you know Peter is days away from "choking". We are days away from saying goodbye to him if he had a similar fate to Lucy's. This is very surreal and difficult for me. An interesting hurdle to leap. I have had several intense emotions and insights surging through me for the past few weeks. So much seems to be going on. My heart feels so tender and open and breakable, but in the best way possible.

Losing your first child and "starting over" again as parents is not only excruciatingly painful, but bizarre as well. To us, parenting is age 0 to 2. We've never gone beyond that, although we've been at it for almost five years. Anticipating Peter surpassing this mark holds so much meaning and carries so much weight and symbolism in our lives.

It means Lucy no longer will be "the first" to do things. I know it isn't true, but it feels as if we will be leaving her behind. Peter will become the "big brother" so to speak. I find that I am clinging to him every waking moment and never wanting to be away from him for very long. I am madly in love with him and cannot get enough of his scrumptiousness.

What's interesting to note, is that the weekend of the upcoming benefit concert is during his "time" in intensive care--if he were Lucy. If he had her fate. It would be our final days with him. That weekend is when he will surpass the amount of time Lucy spent with us on earth.

For his second birthday, I have already decided to steal him from his crib after he falls asleep and bring him to bed with us--to marvel at his beauty and his light. I will hold him and stroke his hair and sing to him and trace every outline of his little body. I will spoil and celebrate until I'm blue in the face.

We've been trying to get pregnant, and have had no luck so far. I'm not terribly worried at this point, but I am realizing more and more what an absolute blessing and miracle Peter is. The fact that he came so quickly after Lucy left is a gift of grace unparalleled.

Time keeps ticking. We are all getting older. My parents are leaving for Russia. Vic is nearing 40. And I'M not getting any younger! Dear friends have suffered horrific losses lately. I have love, I have food, I have shelter. All we have is each other. Hope comes from how we treat one another. That is all that matters.

These are my thoughts. This is my heart. These are my children.

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28 Loving Lines

  1. you always make me cry. You make everybody want to be better Molly. Such a cute post. I got your sweet email a while back! I'm so glad mine got to you over a year ago. I always wished I could do more at that horrible time for you.

    I hope you have a wonderful week and are able to embrace this "NEW" time being parents.

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  2. Goodness do you have a way with words. Thank you thank you. I don't know how to express how this post made me feel. Thanks. Being a mother is so grand.

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  3. I have been thinking about this a lot too- it's almost time, it's almost "that" day. And we want to be at Peter's 2nd birthday party so badly! I AM excited to see your 2 year old less than a month later though. :)

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  4. I'll be thinking of you! It's hard for me to even think about this little guy in my stomach reaching 18 months and surpassing Preslee. That's great that the benefit concert will be during that time. Hopefully it will help keep your mind slightly occupied.

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  5. Thanks for sharing these tender thoughts Molly. By the way, I didn't know you were trying, but I had a dream a couple nights ago that you announced you were pregnant. I almost messaged you to see if you actually were ;) Best wishes for a successful benefit concert!!

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  6. I loved this post...I appreciate your honest thoughts about life. And thanks for letting me stop crying as I saw the last picture in this post. Too cute!

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  7. Beautiful post, and pictures~ I wish you peace of heart as you approach these new milestones Molly. I hope the concert is a huge success for you~ I will be praying for you this weekend.

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  8. You amaze me every time you post. Like someone already said...you make me wanna be a better Mommy!


    AND omg his cute bum!!

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  9. You are so good at writing your feelings so that others can understand! Thank you!

    A similar thing happened to me. When my sister died during childbirth, in my sadness and fear, I swore I'd never get pregnany again (I already had two kids, but was "trying" when she died). After a few months of the Spirit whispering otherwise, I fearfully moved forward and got pregnant. Unlike my previous deliveries, this time I required a c-section. It wasn't for the same reason my sister had one, but the entire time I was on the operating table, all I could do was think of her. As they pulled my baby out, all of the emotions of the previous nine months spilled onto the floor--the joy of new birth, the relief it was over, and the complete sadness that passed through this experience, but that she didn't. It was painful and healing all in one.

    I will be thinking of you these next few weeks. Keep writing; it makes me happy.

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  10. Many hugs. This is a huge milestone for you guys in so many ways, and I imagine it's so bittersweet. I had a terrible time passing my same type of milestone... I hope you have peace and light through it all. Good luck. I'll keep you in my prayers.

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  11. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings about your "timeline". My daughter was 4 years, 4 months, and four days old when she died. I have seen my other daughter (my gift), neices and nephews, and now grandchildren arrive at her exact age and I find myself silently (most of the time) doing the same thing (timeline). I wish there were such a thing as a blog 20 years ago. I'd have loved it :-) Thanks for sharing yours.

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  12. I am awe struck by the honest and raw expression of your state of being as you approach the anniversary of Lucy's passing. You write in a way that allows the reader to hear and see and feel your thought process and your emotions. Placing Peter in Lucy's death experience is startling, but makes perfect sense when you describe it. I see now how my dear friend processed having lost her first daughter, and making the milestones as the next two daughters surpassed their older sister. My friend didn't have the words to help me understand the experience as clearly as you have here. Her daughter died 4 days after her third birthday...22 years ago, but Jayne is still an active part of that family...in a sad but also life affirming way. I wonder when the mom says to a daughter, "Jayne would have loved this", or "I wish Jayne could be here with us today" if it changes or diminishes the living child's experience? Sorry for rambling, but you make me think deeply about issues I thought were over, and I'm grateful to you for that. God bless you and Vic and Peter. This family will survive and grow and I know you'll treasure every second of it. You are a special lady and I'm priviledged to have a windown into your life.

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  13. "Hope smiling brightly" - you give "us" all Hope, Molly. Thank you, forever.

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  14. Molly, thank you for making me stop and hold and cherish my kids.
    Eli

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  15. I have been thinking about this topic for a while myself. My husband's older brother died in a car accident a little over four years ago. In a few months, my husband will be older than his brother was when he died. And I have been wondering if this will be hard for him because I imagine it would be hard for me.

    I am really grateful for your post. It has given me some insight into how my in-laws might feel with this milestone happens with their sons (and that is something I have really needed lately).

    Thank you for your post, Molly.

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  16. don't think i'm a pervert but that little bum is so darn cute! :)

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  17. Yes, yes, yes! This is all so true and real. I went through the same emotions with my two boys, since the passing of my baby girl (for us it was making it to 4 months old). Losing your first child certainly does crazy things to the mind. But oh how we celebrate those new little ones! They bring healing and purpose, laughter and connections with heaven.

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  18. While it's not the same, I understand all too well the fear of an approaching day and all that goes with it.

    When I was pregnant for the 2nd time the closer I got to my 26th week I was TERRIFIED! I would talk to J all the time about what to do when I actually died this time. Last time it was just a fluke that me and the baby lived after our horrific experience. He of course would talk me down, but I just wanted to hide when the day came. I was SO careful that day to pay attention to my body. I relived every detail. But the day came and went without event. We celebrated that evening, but I was still very cautious.

    It was very strange to have a pregnancy go further and to experience everything that happens in those last few months that I didn't get to experience the first time. It was strange when I did have her that they would bring her in our room right away. I remember J and I just looking at each other and saying " well what do we do now with a baby in the room with us?" The last time she was whisked away and put in a plastic box for 4 months. So when the social worker came in the next morning to break the news to us that she decided not to breath any more and was moved to the NICU we both breathed a sigh of relief since we knew that kind of hospital stay. It was familiar territory, although not pleasant.

    I still hold my breath as we approach different milestones waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    I guess my point with all this rambling is, I understand. :)

    Love you- Melissa

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  19. I don't know if you realize how much I appreciate you putting into words the things that I also feel. Thank you. My birthday this past January was the exact day when Abby was the exact age Mason was the day he officially died. It was a hard milestone filled with lots of anxiety. It has been strange and almost a relief to pass it though. At the same time I cherished those last moments before he was passed up. It amazes me how much every cell in your body knows when the milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries are approaching. We are looking forward to seeing you at the concert.

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  20. trying to get pregnant too! 7 months now, we have 4 kids but I thought this is what we were suppose to do. I'm doubting my faith now. We have 4 kids that we never had a problem getting so this fertility thing is new to me.

    I blog stalk you, not that that is very suprising to you. You make me cry, which today I really feel like crying. I'd rather read your blog than write my paper about the strengths/weeknesses in our democratic nation that is due during spring break!

    Sorry I'm a downer, maybe it's the clomid. Thanks for letting me forget about my paper for a few minutes.
    Rachel

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  21. I think about this all the time. In fact my new mantra is "Every day is a gift." There is so much Joy in Glory that I feel like I'm raising twins. I just keep holding on and loving hard and praying for "no repeats".
    Love you.

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  22. Thank you for sharing the tender feelings of your heart. I think your honesty helps us all to take off our armor and share human experiences with our feelings exposed - it brings people together in a way that is personal and spiritual.

    My 20-month-old daughter is pointing at Petter's bum saying, "haha butt!" and then trying to pinch it. Too cute!

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  23. Just read this... we've been moving. Oh, Molly. I always say this, but I can only imagine...and yet, you help me to imagine what it must be like. And my heart hurts for you - and I am sure I would feel the same way... counting down the days & minutes. Holding on to him so tightly.
    Seeing those pictures of her so full of light & life - truly makes me realize (again & again) how fragile & precious life truly is.
    Love you.
    And - love that last picture. seriously.

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  24. I have known the day for each of my children. I only have one left to reach and pass that "day"; I have had 3 reach it and pass it! I know that, especially with my first to reach that day, I felt like we had passed some huge milestone-almost like it proved that we were officially going to be able to move forward. Like you said, life seems to go backwards and then hold still for a while. I notice other couples in my ward whose oldest child is Caydin's age, and they don't know about Caydin, and they can sometimes talk to me like "older" parents, not realizing I have been a parent for as long as they have! This last Sunday was a rough one for me because it was fast Sunday, and a couple of boys from the ward got baptized. Caydin would have been baptized this last month, and it was hard watching and listening to other mother's talking about their planning, preparations, and how they have been planning and dreaming about this day for 8 years. It's hard to know how to feel. I'm happy for them, and I know Caydin doesn't need that act, but it's still hard to "ignore".

    I think it's special that your benefit concert happens to fall during "that time" for you guys. It's nice to have a positive distraction during that time! Hugs to you!

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  25. Hi Molly
    Thank you so much for sharing your honest thoughts and feelings. We lost our daughter Evie in December. I put her to bed, healthy but she did not wake up the next morning. They are saying it was bacterial meningitis but have not given us a final say yet. Our daughter, Ramsey, her twin is what gets me through each day and i know your son does the same for you. Ramsey just had her 2nd birthday and my heart broke wishing Evie was with us. Ramsey is doing all these new things and as you said, i feel we are leaving Evie behind as well.
    I am so sorry for your loss.Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts and feelings. It helps me to know that i am "normal"

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