The bereaved do interesting things. We calculate and plot out dates and details of the tragic events surrounding our loss. Actually, we don't calculate, our bodies and souls do that for us. They dictate our emotions and memories and trigger feelings we can't control. The calender just so happens to coincide. As much as our souls are not creatures of time, they are definitely slaves to it.
Did you know Peter is days away from "choking". We are days away from saying goodbye to him if he had a similar fate to Lucy's. This is very surreal and difficult for me. An interesting hurdle to leap. I have had several intense emotions and insights surging through me for the past few weeks. So much seems to be going on. My heart feels so tender and open and breakable, but in the best way possible.
Losing your first child and "starting over" again as parents is not only excruciatingly painful, but bizarre as well. To us, parenting is age 0 to 2. We've never gone beyond that, although we've been at it for almost five years. Anticipating Peter surpassing this mark holds so much meaning and carries so much weight and symbolism in our lives.
It means Lucy no longer will be "the first" to do things. I know it isn't true, but it feels as if we will be leaving her behind. Peter will become the "big brother" so to speak. I find that I am clinging to him every waking moment and never wanting to be away from him for very long. I am madly in love with him and cannot get enough of his scrumptiousness.
What's interesting to note, is that the weekend of the upcoming benefit concert is during his "time" in intensive care--if he were Lucy. If he had her fate. It would be our final days with him. That weekend is when he will surpass the amount of time Lucy spent with us on earth.
For his second birthday, I have already decided to steal him from his crib after he falls asleep and bring him to bed with us--to marvel at his beauty and his light. I will hold him and stroke his hair and sing to him and trace every outline of his little body. I will spoil and celebrate until I'm blue in the face.
We've been trying to get pregnant, and have had no luck so far. I'm not terribly worried at this point, but I am realizing more and more what an absolute blessing and miracle Peter is. The fact that he came so quickly after Lucy left is a gift of grace unparalleled.
Time keeps ticking. We are all getting older. My parents are leaving for Russia. Vic is nearing 40. And I'M not getting any younger! Dear friends have suffered horrific losses lately. I have love, I have food, I have shelter. All we have is each other. Hope comes from how we treat one another. That is all that matters.
These are my thoughts. This is my heart. These are my children.
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