Meet My Readers Monday

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 7:38 PM


HOLLY


first of all, you should know that i am an avid blogger. i love writing on my blog, i love reading blogs... blogs rock my world. second of all, you should know that i am an open book. i love to share everything about myself, and rarely keep my emotions or experiences locked up inside me.

i was married to a fabulous man, named Jeff, on May 15th, 2007. we were sealed for time and all eternity in the Mesa Arizona temple. our lives weren't perfect, but we were very blessed. and i had things ALL planned out- wait a year, then pop out 12 babies two years apart each. it seemed like the perfect plan. but Jeff wanted kids sooner than that. and after hearing a particular general conference talk, we decided to scrap the 'wait a year' idea and just go for it. i was nervous. motherhood was a BIG step. one that i wasn't sure i wanted to take, but knew it was important.

i was also very excited. all my life i had built up to this point... and when i took that pregnancy test (twice!) and saw the result read positive, i was thrilled. every person i knew said to wait to tell my news. it was taboo to tell people you were pregnant BEFORE you were POSITIVE that it wouldn't be a 'dud'. and by the internet and world's standard, 12 weeks was the MINIMUM of length to wait for announcing our news. but i could not resist. i told EVERYONE. Jeff also told the world, and we tried to ignore people's disapproval of our 'too soon' announcement.

i was puzzled at their response. what was so wrong with two married adults having kids together? why not be excited about our addition to be?

i knew that miscarriage was common, but it could NOT happen to ME... after all, all three of my sisters had been fertile-myrtles and had never miscarried. i would surely follow their footsteps.
i wasted NO time. i read every book i could on pregnancy and birth. i got myself a doula and immediately began to look forward to a natural birth experience. i was ready to make all my dreams come true in the parenthood department, all my expectations and pre-conceived notions were floating around in my head and consuming my life. i bought maternity clothes, swore i could feel the baby move, and weighed myself constantly. i even had cravings. this was it.
but something went wrong.

the very week before my FIRST doctor's appointment, the appointment that i had dreamed of all my life- you know, the one where you hear your baby's heart beat for the first time and fall in love?, in fact, the day of my husband's 27th birthday, i began to bleed badly. i tried not to be pessimistic. my doula said spotting was normal... so... this could just be... normal, right? but i was worried, too. could we save my baby? was everyone right- i should have just kept this pregnancy to myself? would keeping it a secret, make a miscarriage better? i was 12 weeks along now, so this must be a glitch.

i felt more than just the pain of bleeding. i felt the anxiety of what was next. we went to the doctor and he had us do an immediate ultrasound. for some reason, i reasoned that this meant there was hope. i was so excited to see a little bean jumping around in my belly... i relived that dream over and over in my head- almost positive that that is what i would see. but to our horror, not only was the ultrasound technician unable to 'tell us anything', but from what we could tell, ourselves, the baby was not alive in the least. Jeff kept trying to get information out of our tech, "is that the head?" he would say. each question he asked made me more certain that it was all in vain. more and more blood gushed out during the entire event, and it was unstoppable. so were my tears. we left that room not speaking to each other. we went to our car and waited in silence for the doctor's phone call.

it came painfully too soon. "there was no heartbeat. prepare yourself for a miscarriage." i sobbed. this was unfair. how could this happen to me? was God punishing me for telling people too soon? was it because i hadn't followed 'the plan' to have kids after a year? was it because i had used birth control? why? WHY? and how could i go on? how could i face the world? how could this all come to a crashing halt- no more looking forward to a baby? we called my doula with the news. "go home. put your feet up. order your favorite food- and just BE together." she advised.

so, we did.

and we didn't talk for a long time. but silence wasn't healing anything. finally Jeff said, "Holly lets have a prayer." so we knelt together. and in that moment, something happened. something life changing. we submitted our will to God's. in that very moment, i realized that i believed in the plan of salvation. i believed in God. i knew He loved us. and i also knew now, more than ever, that Jeff loved me. he wasn't just going to knock me up and leave me if i didn't come through for him... he was going to suffer the bad with me. he was going to be there for good AND bad times. and this, for sure, was a bad time for us. but that prayer made it feel like we could actually get through this. i suddenly felt a reverence, and it overcame my anger. this was becoming a sacred time for Jeff and I... instead of it being about "waiting for it to pass"... it became a time of bonding, between us and God. our home felt like a temple, to be honest. that day did pass.

but then came the days following. facing people's reactions was the harder part. people with good intentions said all the wrong things. i am sure they could have very much said the right things, in fact, but all i heard was bad. i felt judged. i felt like people thought i DESERVED it. i also thought i could see in their eyes, "glad that i'm not holly. i sure wouldn't have told people if i were her. she should have known that it was going to be a miscarriage." and i was angry with them. i felt a light go out in my heart. now i not only doubted my friendships, but i doubted myself. what if i could not have children? what if i will NEVER hear my child's heartbeat? what if Jeff and I stay childless all our lives? what if we have to adopt? what if... what if... what if... that was all i ever asked anymore.

but i did find one important answer through it all. i was GLAD i told people that i was pregnant so soon. telling people was part of who i am. and i like that part of myself. i also felt that if i had not told people i was pregnant, then i would have had a hard time going through the miscarriage silently- without people knowing how excited i was about the baby to begin with. people probably would have brushed me off if i told them i had a miscarriage, thinking it was just like having a monthly period or something. but it was FAR more than that for me. it changed EVERYTHING. it changed how i viewed life. i began to really see that God WAS in control. Job was right, "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord." that basically summed up my new understanding of things. i could not FORCE myself to have babies. i could not control anything, really. all i could control was my relationship with God, my husband, and my attitude toward life.

i had a lot of healing to do, even after that realization.
i had some more waiting to do before i would ever become a mom.
and i had a lot more to learn when i DID become a mom.

but between all that, i came to work one Monday morning, and my co-worker announced that she had a family member become a bishop. then she proceeded to tell us that as a new bishop, he already had a traumatic thing happen during church, the day before. as she proceeded to tell YOUR story, Molly, my heart broke for you. and i felt compelled to know more. i rushed to the computer, looking for news clips. i wanted to put a face to the name. i wanted to follow Lucy's progress. and just my luck, my coworker had your blog address. so i began to follow. that entire long week of Lucy's fight for life, death and funeral- i cried with you. i prayed for you. i ached for you. and my heart went out to you. i put your name in the temple each week. and i thought about you non-stop. in fact, your story starting to consume my life. even after the funeral, i could not stop reading about you. i had to know how you were doing. how did you function each day? how could you eat? how could you possibly move forward from day to day? how could life keep going without your Lucy? surely if it was consuming MY thoughts, i knew it was consuming yours even more so. and i just had to know how you were doing.

i have continued my interest in your life throughout the past couple of years... never forgetting your sweet Lucy. i try so hard not to live my life in fear, but i am constantly aware of the fact that life can be taken from anyone at anytime. i try to relish in my children as much as possible, and dismiss the bad days of motherhood. i try to take as many pictures of my children as possible, knowing full well that it could be their last photo. and i think of you all the time. ALL the time. i think about what i would say if i met you. i admire you, Molly, and you have touched my life greatly. i appreciate EVERY post. the happy-go-lucky, the hurt, the angry... i appreciate that you EXPRESS yourself, because i think its healthy. i love who you are, and i love what knowing you (through the blog world) has done for my life. i love how you reach out to others going through trials. i love your relationship with Vic and Peter, and mostly- God. i love that you NEVER forget Lucy. i love you.

its strange how much you have effected my life, because, in reality i already knew life was precious. i lost my dad to a sudden heart attack at age 6, and became grossly aware that not every family was 'picture perfect' from a very young age. but something about YOU and Lucy's story have changed my very core. something about who you are is close to my heart. i often think to myself how people just walk by you and never know what you have gone/are going through. they may see you playing with Peter at the park, and assume he is your only child and that your life is perfect. you must feel like wearing a bright pink shirt, announcing to the world that you are Lucy's mother... shouting at the top of your lungs that you have loved and lost a person so dear to you. i think about so many aspects of what you have to deal with from day to day... and i just want you to know that you are thought of. prayed for. you are wonderful. you are loved. not a day goes by without my remembering you.

i know you have already found peace in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and i am grateful that you have the restored church in your life.

i wish i could heal you. and i wish i knew all the right words. i wish i had answers.
but all i can do is walk beside you and grow through it all with you.
and so that is what i do... by blog stalking you :)

hugs to you, Molly.
i am proud of who you are, and glad to 'know' you.

Holly

hollyandjeffslife.blogspot.com

Thanks, Holly. I'm pretty sure I like you a hole punch.

As a warning to those who submit entries for Meet My Readers Monday, if you don't include a photo, I will hunt one down and use whichever one I choose. xoxo

I'll answer emails Tuesday night or Wednesday after coming down from my vacation high. I ran on the beach this morning,then biked around the island, and just finished Kayaking in the cove at sunset. Off for a valentine feast! Happiness, happiness, happiness.




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7 Loving Lines

  1. I love to hear about others... a chance to hear their stories and also to see how they found out about Miss Lucy.

    Thanks for sharing Miss Molly and
    Miss Holly.

    ToOdLeS.

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  2. Wow. I could have written almost all of those same things. From the miscarriage to how you and Lucy changed my mothering life. Thanks Holly and Molly.

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  3. What a great post! I can relate to a lot of what she wrote. I love this blogging thing because I get to know so many wonderful people.

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  4. Loved this story. Confessions...I don't usually read every word or every post, but I read every word and loved them all. Thanks for sharing. Molly, you're onto something really interesting here. I love it!

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  5. ha ha ha.
    its a good thing i like you so much so i can overcome the sicknast foto!
    serves me right.

    hope your v-day was peachy keen.
    hugs.

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  6. Hey, I know Holly and I know Molly!
    I wasn't expecting to read Holly's story on Molly's blog. Holly you are a very good writer. Thanks for sharing your innermost feelings. I know you've had some
    rough times, but you always seem to come out on top.
    Molly, you are an amazing woman. To think of all the lives you touch through your blogs and other ways that you help those with grief. I'm glad to know you.

    You two need to meet up in person sometime.

    Bonnie J. Gardner

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  7. Holly sounds like an amazing person. Such faith and perspective. I loved getting to know her.

    And Molly, I love how you just dropped that so casually: "just finished Kayaking in the cove at sunset." You know, no biggie, average Monday. So jealous!

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