Loose Ends

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 1:49 PM

I feel there are several loose ends in my life that need to be tied up right now. Some of them are random things I need to express, and some of them are unanswered questions from my blog readers, the rest falls into the "etc." category. So bear with me.

First of all, you need to know my last post wash harsh. I was really hurting. I don't always hurt like that. I don't always lash out like that. But it was a post-holiday doozie. And you were all so very kind and gentle with me, something I am not sure I am deserving of. I just kept thinking, "human beings are amazing." What else is amazing is that while I was writing my last blog (read: sitting at my computer while snot took over my face) a friend called and said, "I just felt like I should call..." I almost fell out of my chair. Earlier that day, I was laying on my couch with tears streaming down my face praying that a little sunshine would enter my day. What's more, is that this friend of mine is a new friend. We don't know each other well. She approached me at the field house and told me she reads my blog. She is one of the sweetest people I've ever met.

But I digress...

The point is, I am sorry I was so harsh. I did not choose my words very carefully. Did you know I often go back and edit my blogs days and days after they are published? I stew over my word choice and what could be implied or inferred from what I say. No, I am not writing to try and please anyone, I try to be honest and paint a true picture of grief and just share who I truly am, I never want to be fake or blog for the wrong reasons (a very fine balancing act), but I also value each human experience and each individual story and journey and never want to offend anyone. (Not possible if you are a human being on God's green earth...BUT...)

I actually removed my last post for a few days, afraid of my own words. But after receiving an email from a dear friend about how she read it three times and blew snot bubbles for me out of the empathy of her heart and soul, I decided maybe it was worthwhile. You all gave me such wonderful advice and encouragement. THANK YOU. Oh, how to describe intense human emotions. If only there were a way.

Ok, loose end #1. Moving onto #2--

Many of you asked about our home remodel. I will give you all the info I have. First up, Master Bedroom paint color.

It is a Ralph Lauren color from Home Depot. However, Home Depot no longer carries Ralph Lauren and I don't know who does. I no longer have the swatch nor do I know the actual name of the paint color. ( I carried the swatch around in my purse for several years because I liked it so much). However, I have the actual paint code. If you are really, really interested, I can give you the code and your local paint store can mix a can for you! I'm happy to share.

Our green kitchen color is a Martha Stewart color called Calabash.



The gray in our main living area, above the white wainscoting, is also Martha Stewart. I believe it is Driftwood.



THIS is our silver backsplash in our kitchen.

Loose End #3-

I did not get an SLR camera for Christmas. Which is fine. They are so expensive. I DID however, take several photos of our cabin in the woods adventure with my brother's camera and I am so anxious to share them. Has he emailed them to me? No. So these random shots will have to suffice.

I made stockings this year. Far from perfect. But I made up the pattern/designs myself, so I am a little bit proud of them.

Loose End #4-
Peter is the cutest of the male species to ever grace the earth. I can hardly handle it.


Loose End #5-
I finally got to meet my nephew, Henry, yesterday at the NICU (University Hospital) in Salt Lake. He is such a doll! As soon as the little champ learns how to nurse he'll be released and able to go home to St. Louis. It was such a treat to be able to hold him. I forget how small they are.

Ok, did I forget anything? That's all I can write. I'm starting to get anxiety. This took me way too long.

And...

SCENE.




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20 Loving Lines

  1. You saw SAWYER and you didn't MAKE OUT with him for me?!!!!!!!!

    Next time, then....

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  2. I hope I don't get black balled for this, but I have no idea who either of those celebrities are, although I do know what Lost is, but I've never watched it! But, it is pretty cool to see and talk to celebrities! I think Park City would be a fun place to live, and just in the last day or two my husband and I saw a spa for sale that would work perfectly for our "ranch" we want to start, but unfortunatly, there is $17 million dollars standing in the way still! Beautiful area though!!

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  3. I just remembered how much I use to love the show "Party of Five". Scott Wolfe was up there as a hotty in my book. I'm guessing he still is. ;) How fun!!

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  4. First...
    I didn't think you were harsh... it read as deep pain and anguish to me.

    Second...
    glad that all your days are NOT that way.

    Third...
    I am so glad that you got to meet Little Mister Henry.

    Fourth and Final...
    YOU are awesome!!!

    ToOdLeS.

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  5. Wait...so the celebrity sightings are overshadowing my homemade stockings? Great.

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  6. I Love your homemade stockings and the celebrity sightings..LOL! Sawyer is deffinitly hot and once I saw a picture of Scott Wolf I knew who he was and he's good looking too. What an amazing place to live.

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  7. Molly,

    One of the things that defines you and makes you the unbelievably awesome person you are, is you say the quiet part LOUD. If more people did that, I am sure there would be less horrible things like war, broken relationships, and mountains of pain that can never be surmounted. If I had a dollar for every time I ran into someone who had first heard of and read your blog until the wee hours of the morning, I could buy myself something very lovely:) Don't apologize for the truth...for sharing it with others...you have so much to give through your passion and love of life and all things in it.....never stop sharing, no matter how deep you hurt. You better us all in the process.

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  8. I have mental whiplash from reading your last two posts together! And I suppose that's the reality you are facing every day- whiplash from despair to living life and back again.

    Still, you inspire. Share what you want and don't worry about your "audience". I have a feeling each of us takes away something different from your words.

    p.s. No more worries- we'll get your site BEAUTIFUL whenever you feel ready to do it. And I'm here for tech support anytime.
    p.p.s. The Lost guy would have given me actual whiplash if I'd been in his actual presence...you know, peek, look away, peek, look awawy...whiplash I tell you. Lucky you!

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  9. Bless your heart. I noticed that you deleted the last post and hoped that some freak hadn't sent you a hateful comment. I was moved by that post more than you can imagine. You will never know this side of heaven whose life has been touched and enriched by this blog. I wish you had never lost your precious Lucy and didn't need to enrich us in this way - but to take this terribly unfair and catastrophic loss and respond to it in this way is humbling to me. Rage away - God, and your readers, can take it!

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  10. Oh please don't edit. As I deal with my own mortality (looks like cancer again...still waiting for the final word) I lean on and learn from your honesty and your emotionality that gives me strength to be emotionally honest myself. I always tried to be the 'good little girl', no matter what. At age 59 I'm trying to kick it to the curb, and teach my darling great Niece Darien that honesty and honest emotion are gifts from a loving Heavenly Father. So, though I've never said anything like this before...You go girl!!!

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  11. Molly...before I even read the comments the first thing I was going to say is, "I LOVE the stockings!" Love to hear how you are doing. Hope you had a great Christmas & New Years.

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  12. So glad you re-posted. If this isn't the place to say what you feel and how, what is? Love love love the sticking by the way and am now going to look up who Scott Wolf is. Perhaps we don't have him in the UK yet . . .

    Take care of you

    Mrs M xx

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  13. Yeah that Sawyer is pretty attractive. Also, is it not crazy to you how many people you are surrounded by who are named "Jackson"? I mean you've got a lot!
    So this field house you speak of. Do you pay a monthly membership fee or how does it work?

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  14. Molly:
    First of all, I read your last post and thought "She feels just like I do" I have lost 2 babies and have 2 healthy lovely full of life children here on Earth with me too. The two babies that were lost were both in 2010 (oddly enough) I felt your pain...I felt you were reading my mind. I even had my husband read your post and I said "She gets it!"
    Let's hope our 2011 is better and that it brings us peace! I think it is PERFECTLY healthy to have crappy days! That makes the good days with our children here on Earth that much more special!
    Sending Love!!!

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  15. hey i love the stockings, but i think i may have died if i saw "sawyer" at the fieldhouse. i love the stockings. i love you. i wish i wasn't so bad at keeping in touch. i miss seeing you. you are amazing. and this is your place. your place to say what you want. true honest feelings are so hard to come by in this life. and you are a great example of someone who is honest and compassionate and accepting. you know how much i wish you the best and i am praying for you and you continuing journey through grief. lucy and peter have such an awesome mom.

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  16. I don't even know you and yet I could totally picture you saying, "Oh, I care, he's HOT." It made me laugh. I could also totally picture you lying on your couch with tears streaming down your face.
    Don't edit. Don't be afraid. Your words were harsh, but they were very real. They were exactly what I would expect from someone who has gone through what you have. They are exactly the things I would say if I were in your position. I think we all do each other a great diservice by always acting like life is fine when on the inside we feel as if a total system shut down is about to happen.
    Even though I don't know you I love you and all that you offer. You have seemed happier lately in your posts and I am happy for you but I'm glad that you remind me that your grief is still very present and real. It makes you more real to me.

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  17. I love your stockings. Great design, simple, yet lovely. Fun colors too. I've been thinking about making stockings for next Christmas.

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  18. I agreed with your earlier post as well on many thing. I have had 8 miscarriages. Two that I saw moving with life and potential..only to be snapped from me and see them lifeless on an ultrasound screen. Walking out of there, seeing happy moms-to-be, seeing excited photos of their baby from the ultrasound, I wanted to slap them all! How could these people go on with their happy lives when I feel like I've been beaten up so badly..physically and emotionally sick. I'd see shows with babies and be jealous and mad. I love how you show your raw emotions because like someone else says, it helps me show my raw emotions and let it out of my body so it doesn't fester.
    God bless you with peace this week. And don't feel ever that you need to hide your emotions. We learn and grow right along with you.

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  19. I love your honesty Miss Molly! I love the stockings and I love that you are lucky enough to live in Park City! I hope that miracle baby is doing well and will be soon on his way home! I did comment after the last post but somehow it did not get posted~ I am just hoping I did not offend you in any way. Please know I pray and think of you often!

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  20. 1. I will blow snot bubbles for you ANY time.
    2. I am SO impressed with your stockings. You're my craft-lady idol.
    3. I totally rubbed shoulders with Emily VanCamp from Brothers and Sisters last week at Right at Home. I love January and Sundance! It's weird that celebrities are real people.
    4. Liam's over his gambu, so when are you going to Basin Rec so we can play too?

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