I Gotta Crow

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 3:25 AM




Peter Pan, TigerLilly (no, I am not Sacajawea or Pocahontas--and my son is not Robin Hood) and one of Captain Hook's scurvy mates. Peter's best little buddy, Liam, had his first birthday party and we were thrilled to sport our costumes, which were loaned to us from an old college friend of mine, Selena Q P. It was such a joy to have an excuse to see Selena again. We met at Ikea for the big exchange- Except I gave her nothing in exchange but a bunch of tears. There are just some people who 'get it'. And Selena is one of them. I adore her. A huge thanks to her for making us look "straight out of a story book" as one man told us.



Peter Pan and his shadow






Is it just me or does my 19 month old have football shoulders?



Irresistible


Halloween is not an easy day without our Lucy Bell. Especially for Daddy. His law firm invites all the employee's children to come to work in costume and trick-or-treat. Vic called me early in the day to tell me that kids were already showing up and he wanted to lock himself in his office and fall apart. As soon as Peter and I walked through his office doorway, the tears started for both of us. In moments like that I ask myself, "Is she here with us? Or are we just wishing she were?" I choose to believe she is there in those small moments, and our tears are evidence of her nearness.

Sunday night, we made and decorated cupcakes to take to a handful of our neighbors. It was so satisfying working with Vic to create something fun and delicious. We make a great team when it comes to stuff like this.





Not a very mean Pirate. After delivering all the goodies, I may or may not have gotten in the wagon with Peter and been pulled around the neighborhood.

It was a full weekend. A good weekend. The cupcake making and delivering was my favorite part. But it is now 3 a.m. and I am unable to sleep tonight. Too much sugar. Not enough Lucy. Too much anxiety. Not enough peace. I am getting there, making small changes and taking baby steps. I hope to be able to sleep drug-free soon and feel balanced and healthy, as much as possible. We are all effected by grief in different ways, I seem to be dealing with a lot of anger right now and the ever-present insomnia...which is huge. Huge. Moments like Friday, walking into Vic's office and feeling the sting of Lucy's absence, weighs heavily on our hearts. And sitting in Stake Conference today, my thoughts were directed back to the moment of her choking. It is a struggle for me to know exactly what to do when these thoughts and emotions come rushing in. They are so painful and overpowering. All I can do is shake my head, take a deep breath, hold my head up high so the tears don't pour too quickly, and whisper to Vic, "I can't believe it happened."

Happy Halloween, my sweet Lucy. Happy Halloween, my wonderful Peter. Daddy and I laid in bed tonight and fantasized about the two of you together, walking hand in hand down the street, dressed in costume--our beautiful, beautiful children. We pictured specific scenes in our minds of the two of you playing, talking, giggling together.

I have given birth to two children, but never seen them side by side. I have been a mother for almost 5 years but never had a two year old. I can't hope for them to be together in this life, because it just isn't going to happen. But I can hope for peace of mind, the ability to surrender my life to God, and what I really want, is some rest from the labors of my mind and heart.

P.S. THIS woman is in our Stake and gave the most amazing talk about love and relationships--with God and with ourselves and others. It was something I really needed to hear and it was a joy to be able to meet her. I am waiting anxiously for her talk to appear in my inbox as promised and I'll likely share snippets from it with all of you.

P.S. My heart is full of love for all of you right now. All of you.

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21 Loving Lines

  1. Oh sweetheart, what a tough time you have had this weekend. My heart is full of love for you Vic, Peter and Lucy.

    Mrs Mason xx

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  2. What a cute, cute family you are, Molly, Vic and Peter! Lucy is ALWAYS with you~a precious fairy angel! You are both so very strong and have so much to offer others. I am proud to be a "friend"! Thanks for sharing the Halloween pics~ I might be a poser too!!

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  3. What a perfect "family costume!" It could not have been more fitting. It brought tears to my eyes before I got to reading about Vic at work... then I cried some more. Oh how I wish she were among you down here right now. My heart is full of love for you right now.

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  4. I totally get it. . . I try to reconcile the day Luke died in my mind all the time. Like I will be able to figure out how it happened, did I do all I could, could it have been prevented. . . .but, it always boils down to the fact that if we truly believe the Lord knows all, sees the beginning from the end, then who else would we want in charge of our lives? BUT, it stinks. . . .it is painful, and at times, impossible to comprehend that Luke is gone, that your Lucy is gone. Impossible.

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  5. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your costumes! I am sure "Lucybell" was there to make the holiday complete. I love you guys and think of you everyday!

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  6. Sorry, Molly. It made me sad to think of you and Vic crying together in his office.

    And oh, how I wish it could be different for you. But Jan is right. The Lord is in charge, even when it hurts.

    You do have a tender, tender mercy in Peter though, who is a very bright ray of sunshine. That child is simply scrumptious.

    =)

    PS. I believe that Lucy IS with you during those special times, by the way. Yep, I think you're exactly right about that, which makes me smile.

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  7. I love that you all look so cute! I never dressed up as a Mom... I should have such cute memories. I love the photo of Miss Lucy too. I sure wish I could grant you the peace of mind you yearn for. Hugs to you and Vic.

    ToOdLeS.

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  8. I just love to see Lucy on your blog. She is ever present when I visit you. She just can't be far away. Somehow, this will all come to be clear. Thanks for a minute to see here again. Love Grandma

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  9. I always feel a bit invasive commenting, since I don't personally know your family (years ago I came upon your blog through a random google search and was enchanted by the adorable little girl in your photos and have read ever since). But I wanted to tell you that I thought of Lucy yesterday when I saw a spunky little blonde princess skipping through the neighborhood with her treat bag. I know she was there with you, but how I wish she could have been with you in the flesh to hold hands with her brother and get sick on candy. I wish you, Vic and Peter so much peace and happiness.

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  10. Such a tender post. Thank you for being so open to share. I cannot imagine - but I only know that everytime I read about your Lucy and your grief and the process of healing it makes me a better person and a better mom. Our little boy joined our family just days after Lucy left yours and I think about that often and it makes me a better, more grateful, and conscious mother. Thank you and Lucy both for making a difference to me personally. Much love and gratitude to you and your family.

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  11. Thanks for this post. I have to say I was completely caught off guard. As I was reading your post, I imagined my husband making the same comment to me that Vic made at work and I broke down crying! (I'm not even in the same situation...not at all)I had not considered how hard a holiday Halloween would be. It's truly eye opening, and heart breaking. And if my imagination can get me crying that hard, I can't even comprehend having to actually live through it. Thanks for being strong enough to post this and give me a tiny glimps of your pain! You are all amazing!

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  12. I ache for you and Vic...but your grace, your beautiful, georgeous words are so sacred...does it make sense to say that your eloquence and faith bring a stillness and joy to my heart? Your loss is breathtakingly hard, sad, wrong...but the way you are choosing to live in the wake of that loss is so beautifully right. God Bless you both, your charming Peter Pan and your beautiful Lucy!

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  13. That little Peter of yours, and your sweet little Lucy...is precious. Hugs to you all. Did you know that PCPA(in Santa Maria) is doing a production of Peter Pan? :)

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  14. Very very sweet post. Choked me up.
    But I gotta say this now, and I hope it isnt in poor taste considering how the post ended but,..... I'm just gonna say it. Is Vic wearing the "puffy" shirt from Seinfeld for his Captain Hook costume? Cause I almost "LOL'd".

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  15. I cried reading your Halloween post. It really touched me and I can only imagine how every holiday magnifies her loss. I know that you will see the two of them together side by side some day. It just seems so unfair that it won't be in this lifetime. Love you Molly, I am amazed by how strong you are and so thankful for your friendship.

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  16. I saw the pictures before I read the words so the tears began even before I read. And mostly for two reasons: 1) The photo of Lucy- One of my strongest memories was watching you play Peter Pan while watching Lucy- dressed as Tinker Bell- watching YOU! 2) The photo of Vic in his office holding Peter- you can see "it" in his eyes.

    You all looked so great! Love the cupcakes!

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  17. I'm sure this doesn't make you feel better, and I hope it's not the wrong thing to say, but following your blog, your family, your roller-coaster of emotions in dealing with your terrible loss--makes me give my kids an extra kiss before they go to school, speak more gently to them, and relax more as a Mom to make sure I'm enjoying my life with them.
    Thank you for sharing ALL your feelings, not just the happy ones.

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  18. Holidays have to be one of the hardest times. So many mimssed moments. But I do love hearing about you opening up and expressing it all.

    Love the cupcakes and that you guys loved to mske them together. That's one of my fav times with Paul too.

    And costumes are awesome!

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  19. Thank you for sharing all that. I have to tell you that Lucy was on my mind all week last week. Two people from my mission are going through hard, hard things right now. One of them will probably be losing his wife to cancer this weekend, and the other just had her baby very prematurely (after almost losing him) while on a cruise in a hospital in Puerto Rico. As I read their stories I cried, for them, and I cried as I thought of so many people I know who are or have gone through such terrible things. Including you guys. I thought of Lucy and how amazing and energetic and beautiful she was and wondered why she had to go. And why the amazing, beautiful wife of this man I know has to go. And why one of my best friends who was amazing and wonderful had to go while he was on his mission. I don't understand, and I'm not sure I ever will in this life. But I'm sure it has something to do with the need for "amazing" and "wonderful" people up in the Spirit World, doing the work that needs to be done before the Savior comes here again. I can imagine how proud you will be when you are finally able to find out what it is Lucy has been doing at this time, and how many souls she has blessed through her radiant personality and beautiful spirit.

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  20. I found you thru Michelle over a year ago and have followed you off an on. Your story actually has always made me paranoid with my toddler about choking and more so about cherishing my children and their every breath of life...even when we're having a bad day. I can't get over how beautiful your little Lucy is and how she truly radiates the light and warmth of a true angel. I have lost two unborn children and I know how painful that was and I cannot imagine you mothers out there that have lost the ones you were able to know and love in this lifetime. I think you are strong and courageous and you must be an incredible mother for Heavenly Father to entrust you with one of his angels.
    On a lighter note, our family was Hook, Wendy, Peter Pan and Tinkerbell for Halloween this year as well :) You guys look awesome! Tiger Lilly was a great idea and your little Peter looks fantastic :)

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