Last Video

Monday, July 19, 2010

I filmed this bit of Lucy two days before her choking accident. It is the last video I ever took of her. Is life hard for everyone? Or do some people get a pretty cushy ride? I need to know.


  1. I am sure you "treasured" sweet Lucy everyday... Life is hard. You amaze me with your strength. I pray for you and Vic everyday. I know God has a plan for you and I am so sorry you have to endure this sorrow in your life. Please know you are thought of often.

  2. No one gets a cushy ride. I believe that.

    However, those who lose children have one of the least cushy rides of all, in my book.

    Hugs to you, Molly. Lucy remains beautiful.


  3. I think some people get the cushy, and in many ways it makes me angry. It's something I'm attempting to deal with, as it's really hard for me to understand.

    I can't empathize with you, so I won't make myself look stupid by trying to do so, but I do completely empathize with the anger over how some people's lives seem so perfect and that they never have to deal with grief. Some days I wonder how I'm going to continue caring for a son who I will watch die.

    Sorry to ramble on--just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

  4. Molly, thank you for sharing something so sacred and beautiful. I can't really answer your question about life being hard for everyone. I know that not everyone loses a child in this life, and therefore will not endure the pain you are now enduring, but from my own experience I'm finding that we will all be given an opportunity for suffering of some kind. Our challenge....and it is a challenge for sure, is to stop fighting against it and allow ourselves to instead absorb it, surrender and allow it to flow over us. It is our faith and humility that transform it from torture to "sacred suffering", the kind of suffering that sanctifies us.

    The process isn't pretty. It is such a strange way of teaching us things. I like to think that someday it will make more sense to us.

    I wish I could take it away for you. I wish I could rewind the last few years, or fast forward the next few...which ever would be more helpful.

    I'm thinking of you today, and sending you love.

  5. Molly - I think some people do have cushy rides...but not me. I am a frequent visitor to your blog and feel like I am not alone when I hear you speak of your grief. I am a two time cancer survivor (at age 25 and again at age 27), mother of two, recently lost a very much wanted baby that we tried so hard for...I find strength when I read your are amazing to me and I don't even know you...God Bless

  6. Life is hard... but for those that lose children... especially hard. I feel your pain today dear Molly.
    May you be given comfort during your bumpy ride.


  7. Everyone experiences pain. That's an unfortunate promise in this life.

    But you're right. Yours would definitely cause others to pale in comparison. But that's ok. Especially because it probably feels lonelier than an "average trial." Not as many people in this world experience a comparable trial.

    Remember, however, both God the Father knows the loss of a child as well as Jesus Christ knows the pain.

    Turn to them for the empathy you're so desperate for.


  8. My mother has asked me that question. She has lost 2 adult daughters and her husband in the last 2 years, all to natural causes. I sometimes think that those who appear to get the "cushy" ride may have it hardest of all because they don't understand things the way those with more public and traumatic trials do. I'll never know for sure. I was looking at my family pictures last night and the 3 people missing and feeling puzzled at death. How can a person be so alive and then not be? It's not fair. It seems like we should be able to plead our case to someone. Shouldn't we be able to dispute death? You can attempt to dispute pretty much everything... except death.

  9. I guess you really never know, but I think everyone eventually has to deal with hard things. I don't feel like I've got a cushy ride. My husband had a 3-year relationship with another woman (that I knew about and couldn't persuade him out of no matter how hard I tried) and eventually cheated on me. I can't believe I just said that. I don't talk to anybody about it. But one of the greatest lessons I have learned through it is to trust God when He tells me to focus on what I can fix (i.e. being a better wife) and let Him work on what I can't (i.e. healing, etc.). He certainly has held up His end of the bargain.
    My heart aches for you. Your sharing your experiences has meant a lot to me. I'm sure I have really no clue what it is you go through day to day, but I do know that all will be made right someday, and I'm thankful that you have people who love you so much and have strengthened you in your time of need. I pray that God will be with your family always, and that your sweet angel will always be an influence for good in your lives. And please know - I think that you're doing your best, and that your best is awesome.

  10. Molly...I too wonder this. I too wish for life when it was simple and peaceful, before actually KNOWING death so personally. After losing my baby I couldn't possibly understand why things would go wrong, especially when they were always so right. I thought "well, I've had my share of hard times so I'm sure I've paid my dues in this lifetime." Not so. I was 26 weeks along when my unborn son died of unkown causes. Three months later we were blessed with another pregnancy. I was a bit nervous at first. Then things started going wrong. We were tortured with the possibility of losing him at least eight times. He was born three months early due to my water breaking at 18 weeks. He made it to 28 weeks and then made his entrance into this world. He had to be in the hospital for 4 months, due to some complications he was there longer than planned. Everyday I felt lost. I wondered if my pleas to above would be heard. I didn't know what his outcome would be. And I didn't know how I'd find myself after being in such a deep dark desparate place...again. In such a short period of time I had experienced death of one child and another child on the brink of death.
    I don't know you personally. I do know this...You are a strong woman. You deserve the best in life. You are one of Heavenly Father's Choice daughters. You have a special mission in life and so does Lucy, only Heavenly Father knows for now. He knows your pain. Thank you for opening up and letting those of us who know your pain and what you've experienced, realize we're not alone. Molly, you're not alone. You have many people, strangers and loved ones, who want to hold you up when you fall. To wipe your tears and let you know it will be okay. To let you know it's okay to ask why and be confused or a little angry. This life is not easy...but it will be worth it! Love to you~

  11. What a sweet video! I do think life is hard for everyone, at times. Everyone has trials and challenges to endure. Sometimes it seems people lead perfect lives, but some people are better about hiding their sorrows and trials. However, I think that the loss of a child, is one of the hardest things a parent could ever endure. That trial is one that makes most other trials pale in comparison. I am sorry you have to do this. I wish I could take the pain away! Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

  12. I don't think anyone gets a cushy ride. Even people who seem to have it easy, they really don't. They have their hidden struggles and pains that others may know nothing about. Life is hard.

  13. Molly--

    I'll be honest with you...Yes. I think some people have a cushy ride. However, that's not to say their life is devoid of trial. As Elder Packer once noted, (paraphrasing here) "Some people are given the trial of ease and luxury...and that may be the most difficult of all trials....And there is more equality in these trials than we sometimes think."

    A while ago I adopted this philosophy about trials. If you imagine our eternal existence as a straight line--going one direction brings you closer to God--which is our ultimate goal in life, in eternity-- going the other direction takes you further away from God. (I can sort of be black and white like that...we either moving toward God, or away from Him....we can only stand still for short time before we're moving closer or further away). Therefore, a trial, is anything that might make you slip further away from Heavenly Father. And for a lot of people, an easy ride or a life of luxury where there is little to remind them that they are actually dependent on a higher being, is in my perspective a huge obstacle to the goal of trying to get back to Heavenly Father.

    Now don't get me wrong, I understand that enduring pain and suffering is a trial...a huge, messy, painful trial. Even if you continue on like Job and endure it well and still love and believe in God and remain faithful and all's obviously a trial. But I do think there are some people who don't have to endure the pain and suffering that others are called upon to endure. I don't know why. In general I think life is pretty tough for everyone, but it certainly seems harder for some, than others. This is one of those things where I really want to see the Heavenly documentation when I get to the other side explaining how this is all fair, or equal or whatever it is...

  14. Molly, I'm sorry that this is so hard. I can't begin to imagine what losing a child must feel like.

    I also believe, however, that no one is given a cushy ride in this mortality. One of my favorite quotes is from Sister Hinckely who said, "Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." I truly believe this with all my heart. It's something that I've come to understand more as I've gone through my own suffering. NO ONE has it easy. People may try and make it look like they have it all together. But really, trials, heartache and sorrow spare none of us.

    I also agree with the person who posted above me - sometimes I think that those who appear to have the "cushy" ride in life are more at a disadvantage than those who struggle so visibly.

    When I was going through health complications that were so hard that I thought I'd rather die than having to experience physical pain for the rest of my life, I had an epiphany one day while I was laying in a dark room all alone, unable to move. I realized the glorious thing is that I'm NOT alone. And though almost 100% of the time, it seems that no one on this earth can understand what I'm going through, there IS one perfect person who DOES understand. And then I realized that perhaps I am most blessed because I have come to know my Savior through the experiences that I have had. Does it mean he loves me more than others? No. But sometimes I comfort myself by telling myself that :) In His perfect, infinite love, He loves us all.

    Does this mean that life should be easy? Heck, no! It only gets harder as time goes on (those who say time makes this easier ... they're not right). But the Savior allows us to pick up that burden, dust ourselves off, and move forward with faith, having learned some valuable lessons in the process. I feel that we are all here to help and lift and strengthen each other. And each difficult thing we go through allows that process to become more real, more sincere. And you are an example of that, Molly. You can truly have the power of empathy now. I know Lucy is proud of her beautiful mommy!

  15. Amen sister. I was reading in the scriptures the other day and it said "the way is easy", and it made me want to shout in Sunday School, "NO IT ISN'T, MY LIFE HASN'T BEEN EASY AT ALL!"
    But then I thought, ya' know my life isn't all that easy but I think before I came earth (Caution:this is my own doctrine so don't go quote this in church or anything)Heavenly Father sat me down and reviewed all my trials he thought I was qualified to take, and then asked me if I would accept them as part of my life experience. And I have to think after considering what it would mean, and how much I would suffer, I must have agreed it to it, kind of like a calling at church. Because I can't imagine a loving father would send his kids into such severe experience without us accepting it as well.
    This made a lot of sense to me yesterday but as I write I don't know if it does today. I hope you have a better day.

  16. Hi Molly,

    I ask myself this question all the time. Why do people have to go through so much? Is my time coming where my faith will have to be tested? I wish I knew..

    Love you and wish I could give you a big hug! You are not alone.

  17. Molly, I can't seem to leave your blog alone. I find myself reading your blog over and over again. I cry. I have never experienced anything remotely as difficult as you and Vic have. I fear that I will and so I try to cherish every second I have with those I love. I think of the reunion in heaven when we are there with those we love most. I hope to have a peek at that moment with you and Lucy.

  18. I believe that people who are living a life where we are truly striving to live the gospel, are going to be tried in these days. The Book of Mormon is repeating itself in so many areas. Also it angers and saddens me when people say that the pioneers had it hard, which they did, don't get me wrong, but our times are much, much harder. We have a great amount of emotional stress and life is hard. Righteous people, that look like they have a perfect life, don't. They have skeletons in their closets and trials in their lives too. I could bore you to death with all our pain and trials. God really does want us to be "his" hands and help each other and lift, serve, mourn, etc with each other. If we continue to study his atonement, we can have the peace we need in this life. But it is not easy and very painfull. Love you Molly, hang in there, "Hugs". Julienne

  19. Oh Molly, I think everyone has a tough ride, but yours is very, very tough. I think of you often. You are such an inspiration to so many, but I know you have many dark times. I wish we could all take them away for you.


  20. Up until this past year, I had never felt the shock and pain associated with losing a loved one. Five months ago I got the call telling me that my dad at age 54 had been killed in a car accident. I used to wonder how people handled and lived after something like this. Now my family and I are learning to breath and live again. Losing a child is much tougher than being an adult losing a parent. I just wanted to let you know that not all of us are enjoying a cushy ride without devastation. You're not alone.

  21. Oh, Molly. I read your friend's nieces' blog.
    Oh... so heartbreaking. So unimaginable.
    I'm sending a huge, nourishing, cleansing hug your way.
    love you.

  22. Molly
    I don't know you personally but when a classmate's (from high school) baby passed away this last week - little Preslee- I was talking to my sister Rachel (she was good friends with your sister Amy) who told me your story. What an inspiration you are! I am amazed at your family's strength as well as Patrick and Ashley's. I cannot tell you how much my testimony has been strengthened this past week by them and now by you as I've read your blog about your sweet Lucy. She is truly an angel! Thank you for sharing your blog. I needed the reminder of how short life really can be and that I need to hug my little girls a little bit tighter and spend a little more time with them each day. You are in my prayers.
    Jessica (Greene) Bradfield

  23. I just want to say first off that I am sorry. It's got to be so hard.

    You have had some excellent comments here. There's so many things that I agree with, so I'm not going to regurgitate anything. Instead, there's a few thoughts I've had racing through my head since first reading this. Hope these make sense. :) It's a lot of random thoughts.

    You know that line - It is better to have loved and have lost, than to have not loved at all. What is your opinion on that? I personally agree. But what do you think?

    And if the quote, Heavenly Father never gives you trials above what you can handle, is true, then is it better to be equipped to handle trials and then have them, or to not be equipped?

    I can say with almost certainty that there are people out there who would about give their right arm to have some of your talents (I'm not talking about performing talents here, but personal traits). Not to trivialize this by any means, but I wonder if there's people out there who would take your life, along with your talents as well as your ordeal, over their life because of your talents, supportive husband, support system, faith in God, etc. Do you think so?

    And with cushiness - I was reading NieNie's blog a while back (I don't read it that often, but I read a ton one day) and someone had left a comment saying something along the lines of how her whole life has been pretty choice. I even got the impression that she thought that even with the accident, NieNie's life was better than hers. Is it possible to have some major ordeal but to still have a cushy life?

    And how does someone define cushy? I'm sure it's not limited to just not losing a child. But is it having wealth? Or good health? Or righteous kids? Paul has a good friend who's mother is one of my favorite people. I love her. She has so many traits/things I wish I had. But they are also EXTREMELY poor. Do I think she's got it cushy? I don't know.

    And what if someone's life IS cushy? What does that do for your trials? If it provides a temporary bandaid for the pain, then I would say go ahead and believe it.

    So let's say you could actually trade lives with someone who you thought had a cushy life. I dare say you wouldn't do it. I'm guessing you would think, Oh wait, I'd rather be a performer and that person is not. Or, I'd rather be married to Vic. Or I'd rather have Peter for a son. For me, I know other kids are probably easier, but if I had to go back to the beginning and pick, I would pick T. And do you think a person's life just SEEMS cushy because you don't know them well enough? Some problems are very public and others are very private.

    Also, blogs are funny because they are just one little glimpse into someone's life. The author has total control over how it is portrayed. Do you think it's possible that someone could have looked at your blog, pre-accident, and thought your life was cushy? (I'm not saying it was or wasn't, but just how it could have been perceived.) I was just talking to a friend on the phone a month ago - she was bawling and telling me about some serious stuff that she has been dealing with for years. I think she is a classic version of if you just looked at her blog, or had her in your ward, you would think she had it easy. I truly believe everyone has their Goliath. Be it big or small, and coming now or later. Which brings me back to that question at the beginning - is it better to be equipped and have these huge trials or not be equipped at all?

    I know you were just venting, and maybe didn't want a response like that. But I was pretending we're sitting down together and talking it all out.

    I hope tomorrow's a better day for you. Love you both.

  24. Life is not fair. No parent should have to bury a child. A young mother should not be taken from her children. But these trials can be softened through the Atonement - the Savior has felt your pain.
    When my younger brother died tragically, I felt so frustrated that the world seemed to keep going while I felt stuck. My world had stopped... why didn't it for everyone else? I understand that you think of Lucy constantly... I am the same way with my brother. But you are not alone - I have been following your blog since Lucy's accident and continue to think about your family and pray for you. Please know that she is not forgotten. I grieve with you and wish I could lessen your pain.
    You have strengthened me these last 2 years as you have many others. You are an elect daughter of God! Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

  25. She is lovely - I hope you have a wonderful day.

  26. I have no clue about the cusy ride cause I seem to have all the bumps it will be 7 years on the 23rd of this month that Aaron left us and went back to baby got to live for 25 years but he was and is still my baby...I miss him so much sometimes I want to raise my fist to heaven and scream why??? Why God tell me why..but then after wiping away the tears..I do my best to tell myself whats helped keep me sane everything happens for a reason we may not understand it now but one day we will...It helps me some at least to say this...sending you love and hugs Molly sweet Lucy and Aaron are watching over us
    Aunt Linda

  27. Absolutely some have a cushy ride. And it isn't fair, for now. Remember that God will make it up to you. He is a God of compensatory blessings. I believe that some day you will experience joy that most of us will never experience, now or in eternity. That joy will far exceed and far outlast the pain you are feeling now. It's just getting to that point that is HELL. And that is why you will experience more of heaven; because of the HELL you've been through here. I sure wish we could endure some of your pain for you. We pray for that. Every day.

  28. I thought of reading every one else's comments so that way mine would be more politically correct. Decided against that.

    Bottom line--I think some people get a cushy ride.

    And I think what you and your husband have been through is harder than anything I've ever experienced and never hope to.

    Because the strength of your character and your faith is something I know I'm lacking. You guys are amazing.

  29. Molly,
    Thanks for asking the question. I don't really have an answer, and to be honest, I wanted to hear the answers everyone said too! Lucy is so beautiful, and cushy or not, I guess we'll just keep getting through one day at a time until the wonderful day we will all get to be together with ALL our family again!
    Love to you!
    Diana (Caydin's mom)

  30. I don't know...I wonder this a lot. I just was listening to a conference talk while running this morning and something stuck in my mind. We all have our trials and it is not if they will come but when. I think we just got a boatload in one short moment at such a young age. Sometimes I feel so much more comfortable with old women than with women my own age...maybe thats why.
    Sorry for the rambling. I still really want to meet you. I think about you a lot and your sweet Lucy.

  31. I wonder the same thing about "a cushy ride". I feel guilty that I find it comforting when friends also haven't had a cushy ride and find it harder to relate to those who seemingly have a "perfect life". Losing a child is definitely a perpetual sucky thing and I hate that my life will forever be tinge with sadness because of it.

  32. The lesson I have learned and continue to be taught is that no one gets a cushy ride. It may come at different times and in different ways, but we all have our own Gethsemane.

    I usually find that people I think have "a cushy ride" have some of the deepest and most profound pain, and sadly they don't feel safe or loved enough to share it. When you really get down to the core - I find everyone has some loss, loneliness, emptiness, or experience they are working to fill or recover from. Even looking at my family - everyone has dealt with loss of a child, severe illness, divorce, drug abuse, infertility, etc.

    I am so sorry that you lost Lucy. I lost a nephew to SIDS and it has dramatically changed the lives of my family over the last 13 years.

    I think you have done an amazing job at expressing your grief and letting people know it is ok to hurt and it is good to share that.

  33. Molly, I don't know...Everyone's is hard to their own measure. My friend, after 5 years of fertility treatments and 3 years of IVF, is pregnant. Half way into pregnancy , she found out that her baby boy, healthy in all areas, but one - his bladder - does not produce amniotic fluid. With no fliud , his lungs will not develop at all. there is nothing that could be done, but she must go through pregnancy full term. And deliver the baby. Otherwise, she has absolutely no change of pregnancy ever again. She knows that her baby - if survives the delivery ( he is breach right now, and she is 35 weeks. She will be delivering vaginally) - will live somewhere from 2 minutes to 2 days - if they decide to try to do the ventilation of his undeveloped lungs. I think about her = carrying the baby, that kicks, moves his perfect little feet that you can SEE through her stomach as there is no fluid, I know what it feels like to be pregnant, and to be expecting the baby, and then she knows that she will not be taking the baby home. Her beautiful baby will not be living. I think about you - who cared for the little treasure for nearly two years...This video of Lucy reminds me of my Yeva SO MUCH. THey are alike in their personalities, and age is the same too. when i switch places in my mind with you, I have no words... you understand. My life, in a different way , too , has not had a cushion on many bumps we hit. God is merciful , Molly. He is loving. I know that much. THere is a reason for every little bit. I love you.


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