To My Lucy Sweet

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 10:15 PM




My darling Lucy,

You had another birthday here on earth--This strange place where the tick of a clock rules over us. I wonder if you were here.

We celebrated your life with family and dear friends. We didn't sing Happy Birthday because it makes daddy sad and uncomfortable. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. It's hard to know. We ate your favorite food (hot dogs), and Daddy thanked everyone for coming and for loving us. He talked about the Resurrection and hope in the Savior. Everyone is so supportive. I wondered if we should play games. What games would you have liked? We had delicious caramel cupcakes. The weather was too cold and rainy so we gathered at your friend Mathew Hale's house. He's getting so big. He makes me miss you.

On your actual birthday, Daddy and I got to present a fireside at a Young Women's Camp in Heber City. It was so wonderful to share all about you and the things you have taught us. We cried a lot and met incredible people. I felt it was a worthwhile thing to do on your birthday. I got to sing...and you know how much I love that. Sometimes it is easier for me to share my thoughts and feelings through song. I miss singing to you, daughter.

So what would you be like as a four year old? Do you know? How would you be with Peter? Would you be a little mommy over him? I wish I knew.

Sometimes I feel very alone, Lucy. Alone in my grief, in my thoughts. I go to the theatre at night and get to sing and dance with young, energetic performers. Most of them don't have children of their own. Maybe some of them don't even know I have a daughter. I feel separate. Different. Hurting so much on the inside but doing the running man with blue eyeshadow on the outside. I'm finding it hard to balance things. The new house, my desires and dreams, motherhood...but I feel how time is moving forward. I sense how short this life is. That gives me hope. It makes me want to make better decisions. It points me back to you.

Do you celebrate birthdays in heaven, Lucy? I think you must to a certain degree. It is a big thing to enter mortality.

Have you seen how big your brother is getting? He reminds us more and more of you. He started walking on your birthday. What a sweet gift.

This birthday letter is filled with many questions, Lucy. I struggle to know what to give you as a gift this year. I feel I am doing well following my theme for the year "2010--Let the Fun Begin". It's not easy, but I am finding the silver lining. But I want to give you something more personal. Do you have any good ideas? What would you like?


I look at your photos and I see Peter. I look at Peter and I see you. It is astonishing to me how much alike you look. Perhaps my gift to you will be to take greater care of him. To be the kind of mommy I want to be. Fewer distractions. More playing. Living in the moment. I think it is actually a blessing that you look so much alike. Part of you lives on in him. I will do that for you. And as I write this something else very powerful came to me--I am going to finally sit down and write a letter to the people who received your organs. That is what I am going to do as well. That will be big. That will be monumental for me.

I love you, Lucy. I miss you. It's pitiful to say that. But daddy and I say it over and over, "I miss Lucy. I miss Lucy."

Happy Birthday my perfect girl. You are the most beautiful thing I've ever beheld.

Mommy

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19 Loving Lines

  1. Happy Birthday Lucy girl. Wish I could have made it to the party, I know like everything else you touch-
    It was incredible.
    Love you Lucy's mommy.

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  2. You have never met me but Im a friend of a friend. I just want you to know that you make me a better mother. You are reminding me to cherish the little things that my kids do, even the things that make me mad:) You are truly a strong, inspiring woman and mother and i thank you. Lucy is so proud!

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  3. Lovely Molly. Sounds like you are heading down the right path. I hope each step you take is blessed!!

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  4. Beautiful.
    Heartbreaking.
    Inspiring.

    Thanks for sharing the inside of your heart, Molly. The birthday party sounds like it was a lovely celebration of Lucy, and you finding/searching for that silver lining is amazing.

    Keep searching. Keep finding.
    loveyou!

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  5. As I sit and read your personal thoughts written to your little angel... I am sad. Sad that you cannot be with her. I know that even though my kids are grown and gone... my heart aches to be with them... to enjoy their childhood once more... I look at photos and that helps me remember the moments... but it also makes me wish to go back in time.

    I just watched a movie... The Time Travlers Wife... that movie has made me ponder more than I thought it would.

    I am sure Miss Lucy was close by you for her birthday... I know she is watching over her brother. She is longing just as much as you are. But she also gets to see the bigger picture that we cannot yet see... hang in there Miss Molly and Mr. Vic one day you will all be together again as it should be and it will be glorious.

    ToOdLeS.

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  6. My heart is tingling. "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever beheld." You are wonderful for writing this.

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  7. You have such a way with words and this letter is beautiful. My heart aches for you as I feel the grief you share. I don't know what else to say but that your life has touched mine when we've never even met.

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  8. I think you honor Lucy every day of your life. And that is the ultimate gift, isn't it?

    Hugs.

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  9. Molly,

    Feeling it with you in this post. We may feel lonely in our grief but we are not alone. Love you and sending your heart a hug from mine.

    love,
    Stephanie

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  10. I agree with Stephanie, even though we all feel so alone at times, we are not. I have also struggled through the years of what to do on birthdays, holidays, etc to celebrate and include Caydin. It's hard to come up with things when what you really want is to just have them here with you! The emotions are so up and down! Happy Birthday Lucy, and know you and your family are in many people's prayers and thoughts!
    Diana

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  11. Your letter to Lucy was precious. Thank you for inviting us to Lucy's party, it was wonderful to see you and to celebrate Lucy. Love you.

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  12. You're a beautiful writer, Molly, and a wonderful mother and wife. Happy Birthday Lucy. You're all in our thoughts.

    Dorothea and family

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  13. We wish we could have been there. I would have loved to have been at girls camp for the fireside too. What a way to remember her and honor what she is doing right now- strengthening other's faith in Christ.

    Love you guys. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, joys and grief with us.

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  14. what a gift to those who received her organs. that gives me chills just to read it. my brother-in-law received a heart last september and he said he has grieved his donor like his brother (which he lost last June). i know those who were the recipients of your selfless gift want to thank you so much!

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  15. I haven't been on here for a long time, but I was just thinking about you and Vic the other day. I don't go to church anymore because of personal reasons, but I would go if I could see you. Anyways, wouldn't it just be perfect if we could talk to our loved ones like we do to our Heavenly Father with prayer? I'm sure Lucy, at whatever age she'll be when she is resurrected will understand that she is missed very much. Sometimes I think death would be a neat experience. In the next life we won't have to worry about death. In the next life we'll be reunited with our loved ones again. In the next life things will be better, but we're sadly stuck here and forced to make the most of it through our pain and sorrow. I've never had a loved one pass away. But I worry about my dad and I worry about his health all the time. Molly, I hope you still don't blame yourself for Lucy's death even though you gave her the piece of apple. Because the only thing you should blame yourself for is bringing her into this world. But I love this letter you're writing. Maybe one day I shall journal like this to a loved one.

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  16. Oh, Molly, I almost forgot. Was Lucy a creative soul? Do you think she would have grown up to be an artist? I've noticed my creativity and hope I have something great to offer this world like Lucy did. You can see my art here; http://mmkeene.deviantart.com/

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  17. Happy Birthday beautiful Lucy!!

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  18. Absolutely beautiful. Happy birthday, Lucy!

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  19. You don't know me; my name is Jan Taylor and we lost our son in November. I have often wondered what we will do this November on his death date or what we will do on what would have been his 3rd birthday in December. It is so hard to know. I think that is because nothing feels right. Nothing makes it better. So all we can do, is, well, do. Your blog is so helpful to me because I read it and think, Molly, did it so can I. I can live and laugh again. My husband and I will make this work. Thank you for that. I know it is so irreverant, but sometimes I look at your beautiful Lucy and think, "Luke, find her and "date" her up there. She's cute and her parents seem really cool." It is wonderful to know that they are there. That they still do. They still love us just as much as we love them. I just hate that "there" seems so far away!

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