Vic here. I have felt the desire to write this blog post for a long time. I guess I have chosen today because it seems appropriate to me, on the day we commemorate Lucy's graduation from life, to share something spiritual. I have attempted to share this, or parts of it, a number of times and in a number of settings and have yet to feel like I communicated what I experienced that week in the hospital. I have thought about how I would write this for more than a year but I still feel at a loss; unsure of how to share this. It is to me, sacred. However, I have also felt almost as if it were a duty to share; that to not share would be selfish. I don't think it is really anything new, or different from what you already know. It wasn't really anything new to me. Yet it was the most profound of experiences and I felt like I understood so much more and had a glimpse of the "grand scheme" of things. I was filled with an overwhelming certainty of the reality of a loving Heavenly Father. It was undeniable. And I felt like He communicated with me so directly and so intensely. I can't put it all into words but there were some specific thoughts and ideas that came to me.
I AM here. I AM in control. Nothing will happen that shouldn't.
I had the sense that Heavenly Father really is in control and is active in our lives. I have thought about this a lot and I don't know how it all fits together because I know that He leaves so much up to us. He allows us to use our agency, our will to decide so much of our lives. I don't think that he made Lucy choke. But I am certain that He wouldn't have allowed her to die if it wasn't "right". I felt this so strongly as Lucy and He worked everything out. I felt like those words didn't just apply to our situation at the time, but to our whole lives and to the whole world. That is a really really deep topic and I won't try to discuss it further, other than this - I think that part of that idea, how it works or what it means, is that because of Jesus Christ the wounds we experience, the holes and loose ends in our lives will be taken care of, filled up and tied off. That when all is said in done we will see that it is complete - That we are whole and complete because of Him.
I AM taking care of Lucy - You take care of Molly!
This came like a command - no harshness at all but I very clearly felt a responsibility; something I will someday have to answer for, and report on. I just had to make sure that I did what I could for my Sweettart. It makes me feel a connection to Him. I think I understand him a little. He loves his daughters something akin to the way I love mine [just a lot more perfect]. I'm not perfect but I try to take care of Molly, to be good to her the way I would want some guy to be good to Lucy.
There is more value in the everyday experiences than you realize. Make sure your actions and interactions reflect that.
I think this came in response to some thoughts and questions I had. Lucy's life was so short, did she get everything she needed? The answer has become apparent through a number of avenues - no question about it. Lucy got more out of her almost 2 years than many people do in long and lengthy lives. I also wondered about the time I spent away from Lucy at work. Family is what matters so why was I wasting all that time? [FYI as far as attorney's go I really don't have a demanding schedule - I'm not working some of the crazy hours that others have to work] While I would love to have more of life with Lucy, it was clear that my time working wasn't wasted. It is important and will have value in the eternal scheme of things. It seemed so clear to me that even eating and breathing have value that I just don't understand now.
So that is what I have wanted to share. My expression of what I experienced that week in the hospital is pitiful at best. It is what kept me going and helped me make it through the week. The certainty of all that, that He is real, that He lives and that He loves me was so strong it was almost distracting.
Someday Lucy will be resurrected. Someday Molly and I will too. You'll be there also. It really is quite amazing. There is a Plan that goes with all this chaos, and trouble, anguish and sorrow. Someday we will be SO HAPPY that we have been a part of that Plan. I promise.