When Autumn Comes

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 4:45 PM

Deer Valley/Empire Pass
Fall 2009

What is it about the change of season? The cycles of the earth carry melancholy moments of reflection. The holidays and events held in each quarter of the year deliver greater longing within me. She should be here for the balloon fiesta! What grandeur! She should be here to interact with her baby brother and watch him grow. She should be here to pick out a Halloween costume and eat too much candy. She should run around the yard picking up leaves and pointing at helicopters as they fly overhead. I look out my loft window and swear I'll see her running back and forth from the porch to the neighbor's fence. I will it to happen so hard and so often that it hurts my body and anxiety bubbles within me. She should, she should, she should.

But like my mom taught me:

"Don't should on yourself"

And so I go about the business of "moving on". No, I will never move on; I will move differently. Fall in Park City is absolutely stunning. And anything stunning--emotional, physical--calls for sharing. I want to share it all with Lucy. It's hard to move differently. It's awkward and heavy and unnatural.

One of the greatest parts of our long drive to Albuquerque was falling in love with Vic all over again. We had no distractions to take us away from each other. And we spent the time wisely...sharing in one of our favorite pastimes: reading. Well, "book on tape". Have you read the story of Aron Ralston, Between a Rock and a Hard Place? Quite a stirring read. When the trapped hiker finally frees his arm, which had been pinned relentlessly by a heavy chockstone for six days, he writes about being re-born. About how absolutely euphoric it was when the self-amputation was finished and he was free. His life would never be the same. HE would never be the same. He was born again that day.

I have felt similar sentiments since Lucy's passing. I see the world so differently now. And I am learning, like Vic shares he felt so strongly during our stay in the hospital, to find meaning in the everyday mundane. What a glorious gift to have a body! What an honor to hold my baby and do the dishes and wipe up drool. Just being mortal is a big deal. We're here on earth...that's huge.

But there was another part of Aron's story that hit me even harder. Once he finished the horrific process of cutting off his arm, he still had to make the 7 mile trek back to the trail head. Dehydrated, lost, and losing blood with every passing second, he could scarcely believe his eyes when he saw three hikers in the distance. With their backs turned to him, he almost couldn't find the strength to yell for help. But they did turn, and they ran, and in their broken English they offered help. Mother, Father, son. They became his saviors in that moment.

We've had a lot of saviors. Including all of you.

There are a few families in Park City who have been our life support. They mourn with us, feed us, walk with us, and hold our hands through the baby steps of our re-birth. One such family is the Flints. John, Debbie, Carson, and AJ. People of the utmost character. They have saved us when we've been too weak to even yell for help.








We love you, Park City in the Fall. We love you John and Debbie. We love you, Peter. We love you, Lucy. We love you, Life.

From A Rock and a Hard Place--

“At this point, I've got the confidence to know that I'll get through anything in my life given I have the motivation to do it, ... If it's an act of survival, we've all got a reason to keep living. It may not be pretty, but surviving is grit and determination in its highest form. I learned that I've got the capacity to do a hell of a lot more than I thought I could if I have the proper motivation.”

“I want people to see that for themselves in their own life. Whatever you're faced with you already have the tools to transform that adversity into something that's positive. That's what I proved to myself.”


“All the desires, joys and euphorias of a future life came rushing into me, maybe this is how I handled the pain. I was so happy to be taking action.”


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20 Loving Lines

  1. molly we love you. and we love vic. we love lucy and we love peter. you guys are a blessing in our lives. hope u know that. loves ya lots!

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  2. love those quaking aspen trees in the fall... all the best to my favorite Park City friends

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  3. As always, an uncommonly beautiful post. And I'm on my way to the store to buy that book. Right now!

    =)

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  4. Molly...you don't know me...but your husband does! I have been following your blog for over a year...and may I just say that you have truly inspired me and David! When we have had moments of sorrow...we have turned to your blog...and been given the strength to go on! We would love to read the book...Wonderful entry...keep inspiring! We LOVE you guys! David & Christina Allen (sevenallens.blogspot.com)

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  5. Oh I love you and the Flints and Park City and Fall leaves... THANK YOU FOR SHARING!

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  6. That quote from your Mom is PRICELESS! I see where you get your sense of humor.

    But I agree with you... she SHOULD be there to experience those things with you...

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  7. That quote is so profound. I really would like to read that book! Thanks for the recommendation. I too, love to see the leaves but feel sad to see them die each fall. I'm learning though that it is always time to be reborn. Time to give onesself a new start and fresh chance and a different perspective. Love you.

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  8. These photos are beautiful!

    I love scenery photos... but they are even more beautiful with people in the picture.

    ToOdLeS.

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  9. Hi Molly:

    You are blessed to have the courage to think and act 'outside the box'. You teach me all the time, like when I want to give up and then you make me want to move on. Your creativity helps me too. I selfishly feel Lucy and her presence in my life. She is so precious to grant me personal guidance though Heavenly Father. and that guidance is to slow down. Thank you to Molly, Vic and Lucy for teaching me, and to Peter for being there to hold up the gate until someone has the strength. Love to you all, Jan

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  10. That was beautiful. You are beautiful. I'm thinking of you...

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  11. I miss you Mol. P.C. is so gorgeous right now! I'm jealous. (but not of that cold breeze coming in). Greg and me have quite a connection to the Abqu. balloon Fiesta. That's where we started our business and lived for 8 yrs. Cool oct. mornings would greet us with the sound of many hot air balloons lining the sky. I loved it.

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  12. Molly, this is a beautiful post. It is heartening to know that you are surviving. Isn't it amazing what mankind can endure? I admire you and continue to pray for your happiness and peace.

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  13. I'm pretty sure my dad met that guy. He did a seminar at BYU or something. He referred to the pain scale and when they ask you on a scale of 1-10 how bad it hurts. My dad now equates a 10 to amputating your own arm. Puts physical pain in a whole new light.

    Love you Molly.

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  14. Why does it have to be so hard to move differently? I used to think different was good. Today I don't like different.

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  15. I feel so grateful to have someone like you in my life. Honest to goodness, I don't know anyone like you. You inspire me every single day. I love you.

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  16. Don't should on yourself. ha ha ha.

    I saw Aron's story on the Discovery channel a couple of years ago or so on its "I shouldn't be alive" show. Fascinating, fabulous and WOW! What a story. I'm sure the book was far better than the TV version...as the one I saw was maybe an hour long. You can get so much more up close and personal in a book.

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  17. Thank You Thank YOu Thank You for this post. What a wonderful uplifting post. Molly, you are so inspirational. My sister often times says, "Stop being so Shouldy". I laugh because it's so true! It's not something we get over, it's something we get through, and we get through it all of our lives. I have been thinking so much about you. I have been meaning to call but I swear everytime I think it it's dinner time. I will be better. I will call. We will chat and we will cry. But we will get through it. We will. We have to. For Them. They are worth the fight.

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  18. Utah is SO beautiful in the fall! It is natural that you would want to share it with those you love most.

    I can imagine that your life would naturally have a "before" and "after" aspect to it now...Definitely different from before, but with a beauty all its own, after.

    I read Ralston's book over a year ago and my husband finished it about a week ago...AMAZING!

    YOU are amazing!!!

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  19. I believe I could search the world over and not find a friend like Hike-A-Deb. She taught me more then anyone in my recent memory. ANd it was all by example. I love her AND you more then words can say. I want to be home with you to just listen and run and scream. I miss you guys. I love you.

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