Knowing Pain

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 3:18 PM



Why do I feel such an intense desire for others to understand and "get" my pain? It's this unrelenting urge for people to know the hell I've been through. The hell I am going through. Why? Why do they have to know? They can't take it away from me, they can't change the past...but I need them to know. I want them to FEEL it. Am I trying to make things fair? If I have to feel it then so do they? Can there only be a just and fair God if we all feel the same intense pain that I'm feeling? The horrific separation, the tragedy, the loss, the trauma of such an event? And who am I to judge whether or not they have experienced loss and pain in their own lives? This is something that has been very difficult for me to get a grasp on. The bottom line is that life isn't fair. I judge others who appear to have an "easy" life and think that because of that, it is their duty to serve and lighten the load of others. Otherwise, their bubblicious life is for naught.

My cycle of thinking goes like this: 1) Why me and not them? Why do "they" have a life free of something this huge? How did they get so lucky to have expectations of life that actually have been met with relatively few bumps along the way? 2) I guess people care about my loss. But at the end of the day they have to worry about their own lives. 3) People want to turn away and not go too deeply into my life and my pain because it scares them. 4)Everyone lives in their own bubble. No one really cares. No one really understands. 4) I am all alone in this.

And thus we go round and round.

I was talking with a friend about this yesterday, like I always do when I want to try and make sense out of this life. He said something so simple and profound, something I have probably learned and thought of more than once-- but forgotten. Always forgetting, that's my problem. Forgetting the miracles, the tender mercies, the moments of clarity and peace. Is it just me? He said that we will likely never fully understand one another...BUT, (I like big butts) we can love each other.

So I am learning, I'm trying, to be okay with that. My pain may not be understood, but I am loved nonetheless. And that goes for all of us. I certainly cannot fully understand and FEEL the pain of another in the same way that they do. So I am just as guilty.

But I do love them.

And love is more powerful than understanding. Don't you think?

"In the turmoil and strife of our society today, many are frustrated, overwhelmed by anxieties and fears. As an individual strives to regain stability and self-confidence, it is vital that friends put their arms around him and assure him that he is not alone, that he can succeed in the struggle to return. Too often we weaken such an individual through thoughtless remarks and failure to understand rather than building with love and sincere concern."

Royden G. Derrick-- When Men's Hearts Fail



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93 Loving Lines

  1. Molly--beautiful thoughts and photos. Love and prayers from over the mountains.

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  2. I am truly so sorry you have to go through this....my heart hurts for you, and....I can only imagine how yours hurts! A friend in East Texas, Pam

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  3. Molly,you don't know me butI follow your blog because you and your husband inspire me.I'm sure you would rather not be inspiring due to the loss of your Lucy. : )I grew up in a home where my parents lost 2 children within 6 months of eachother...ages 6 and 3.My parents knew that they would loose them because they were born with CF.I never knew Carla and Scottie because I was 2 years old when they passed away and yet my parents kept them "alive",so we learned to know them. These last few years I have had some HUGE trials to bear, Huge for me..and even though I haven't carried the cross you are bearing, I somehow have this full sense of empathy for those who are struggling.It doesn't matter what they are struggling with..my heart aches for them.I'm sorry Molly for your pain..my eyes well up in tears..my heart truely, truely aches for you.I think of you often..it's okay to have the feelings your having..don't feel guilty..through your postings I have read about your ups and downs and the experiences your having are yours alone...but not alone..I need to share something..one day I was having such a hard day with feeling alone. I prayed really hard for not only his comfort, but to feel the comfort of those who were on the other side of the veil. My brother and sister..my grandparents..my husbands brother..and so on.I prayed for them to lift me when it felt like I would never feel happy again. I had my ups and downs but knew when things were good..I was willing to except the assistance.Best wishes Molly..I will continue to "watch" and pray for you and your sweet husband Vic..thank you for sharing your very personal live with us.Your going to make it!!

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  4. I remember those hours and days that Lucy was in the hospital. The drive to Primary Children's that Sunday. The helicopter taking off with Lucy. Molly being carried to the car. The firemen/woman working on Lucy. The angels surrounding Molly and Lucy. The run from the church to the firestation. Molly taking Lucy out of Sacrament Meeting. I can't think of that time without crying and my heart aching. I don't totally understand, but I do feel the pain of those moments - not like Lucy's parents, but as someoned who loved and loves them all very much.

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  5. Molly,

    I follow your blog but I don't think I've ever commented...

    this post. this post. I can't even put into words how I feel after reading this post and seeing those images of sweet Lucy.

    My husband and I have been going through what I thought was a really rough time lately. We got married last November, got unexpectedly pregnant on our honeymoon, and then both lost our jobs on the same day when I was 18wks pregnant. My husband has been searching for work for months now with no luck. Our roof leaks, our money is growing tight and our futures are uncertain.

    Sometimes I feel sorry for myself over THAT. THAT!

    Thank you for the reminder that I have everything that is important - my husband and my baby son - right here with me and I should be grateful for that.

    I will give my little guy extra love and hugs when he is keeping me up in the middle of the night, and remind myself how lucky I am that I can do that.

    I am crying at the unfairness of this life. I wish you had both your babies here on earth with you. I'm so sorry you have to know such pain. I don't understand it and I hope I never will have to, but I do love you, I love your blog, and I love the lesson you and Lucy have taught me today.

    Thank you.

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  6. Molly,

    I follow your blog but I don't think I've ever commented...

    this post. this post. I can't even put into words how I feel after reading this post and seeing those images of sweet Lucy.

    My husband and I have been going through what I thought was a really rough time lately. We got married last November, got unexpectedly pregnant on our honeymoon, and then both lost our jobs on the same day when I was 18wks pregnant. My husband has been searching for work for months now with no luck. Our roof leaks, our money is growing tight and our futures are uncertain.

    Sometimes I feel sorry for myself over THAT. THAT!

    Thank you for the reminder that I have everything that is important - my husband and my baby son - right here with me and I should be grateful for that.

    I will give my little guy extra love and hugs when he is keeping me up in the middle of the night, and remind myself how lucky I am that I can do that.

    I am crying at the unfairness of this life. I wish you had both your babies here on earth with you. I'm so sorry you have to know such pain. I don't understand it and I hope I never will have to, but I do love you, I love your blog, and I love the lesson you and Lucy have taught me today.

    Thank you.

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  7. molly, I know that I do not KNOW exactly how you feel. But I do know this.... You were once a stranger to me- I instantly connected to your story and had an overwhelming sense of love and compassion for you. The day you posted Lucy's obituary on your blog I had to hide in my closet for an hour because I was sobbing so hard. No mother should ever have to lose a child. I cried the same way on Fathers day thinking of Vic and the torment he must have gone through that day. Many, many times since then I have had those overwhelming tears for you and Vic. I can understand why you would want others to "get" it...and as much as possible with out actually having to go through it I think some of us may.
    Another thing I have thought of often is that sometimes people's trial in life is having no trials. They have no reason to fully rely on the Lord. No reason to try harder & be more faithful...they are just comfortable. They have no weak moments that allow them to make it through only by their faith.
    Hopefully that makes any sense to you. I hope your thinking will let you KNOW that people (like me) do care, love you & still think of you daily.

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  8. Nothing I can say, will ever make you feel better, or feel like you are understood. I can only offer my empathy, and heartfelt prayers for you and your family. Those images of Lucy are heartbreaking and sacred. I cannot imagine the burden that has been placed on you. I have mourned with several friends, who have buried their children. It is almost uncomprehendable that such a thing can happen. Don't feel guilty for your feelings. They are real, and your concern for others is apparent. Lucy will NEVER be forgotten. She has brought so much good to this world. You have inspired me to be a better person. SHE has inspired me to be a better person. While I can't fully understand the depth of your pain, I have caught a small glimpse of it through your words, and am forever changed. You will never be alone in this. My sincere prayers are with you Molly.

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  9. Touching pictures. Please know that we still think of you often. I wish we were there to help you along the way. Sending our prayers and love!

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  10. Hello Molly and Vic,

    You don't know me--I used to be in the same ward as Tami Weaver, and found your blog through hers. Though I have not suffered anything as heart wrenching as losing a child, I understand what you mean by wanting others to feel what you feel (or to at least TRULY understand). In my own struggles, I have often battled with feeling isolated, misunderstood, misjudged, and even abandoned. At times, I felt like I was drowning. I finally had to tell myself "These thoughts aren't productive" and I'd repeat it each time the vicious cycle started again. Now, I try not to look back too much--doing so makes me depressed. I focus on the here and now and what I need to do to ensure our happy, eternal family from here on out. I want you to know that I think of you and your family often and wish you all the best.

    Hang in there. I'm pulling for you,
    Melissa

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  11. Something about today's post has triggered an onslaught of "You don't me but I've been following your blog for a while" comments. And in that same vein, here is mine. I think of you and your family all the time. When I kiss my kids goodnight and then sneak back down after they are asleep to kiss them again. That is for Lucy. When I want to yell and scream because they have made another ginormous mess behind the couch, I think what if today was their last day on earth. And I don't yell (as much) and that is because of Lucy. When I look at life that way, the way you are forced now to see it, I am a better mom, wife, daughter, friend and neighbor. Time on this earth together is so very precious. I pray for your family. I was over-joyed at Peter's birth. Seeing hospital pictures of you holding Molly today breaks my heart. And all I could think while I was reading your post and then reading the comments today, was this: Heavenly Father is not the author of dark and ugly. He is the author light and beauty. I know the grieving process isn't full of light and beautiful moments. All that is going through my head as I write this is the thought to share with you my favorite scripture, D &C 121:9. It has brought much peace to my life and I hope you will feel peace in yours. Much love being sent to you through the blogging world. :)

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  12. Molly, you don't know me but I follow your blog and you remind me to grateful for my life, even on the bad days. These pictures of Lucy are heart wrenching. I'm sorry that you have to go through such a huge trial, but I know the Lord has a plan for you and your family. I read a story about a woman today who struggled with the dibilitating effects and diagnosis of MS a month after she was married. She struggled with depression, anxiety, and the feeling of loneliness for a long time before a friend of hers told her to follow this prescription: Give 29 gifts in 29 days. It changed her life. You can read more about it at www.29gifts.org. It's very inspiring and a good idea for all of us. Check it out. I don't know if it will help you or not, but it's worth a try. Please know you and your family are loved, even by people who don't know you personally.

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  13. I feel a desperation for you, a feeling that there must be something I can do, say, to make it better, and the crushing and yes, as you say, horrific realization that the death is real, and that nothing I can do or say can change it. Your words reach me in the greatest questions about life I have ever asked, the most profound and changing thoughts. I then realize that all I can do is express to you how much I care. How full of tender love and empathy my heart becomes when I think of you and Vic. How sorry I am.

    I want you to know that I agree, that the loss is horrific. It's beyond the soul or mind to comprehend, having our child taken from life. I want you to know that I understand that. I can't feel it like you do, but I can feel the edges of it brush against me, and I shudder. I want you to know that I have profound respect for the enormity of your job, to grieve your child. The enormity. The infinity.

    And then there is the infinity of love. Of your love for Lucy. Of your love for Vic and baby.

    CS Lewis said that he was surprised how much grief felt like fear. To be terrified of what you have to face, and that you essentially have to face it alone, because no one can crawl into your flesh and bones and become one with you and help you bear this burden...this is not strange to me at all, that you would ask these questions over and over.

    Keep talking to us.

    Love,
    Maggie

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  14. Molly, I cannot look at these images without crying. I can ONLY imagine the deepest pain you must feel. As a grandma of toddlers, it is easy to imagine that pain. Heavenly Father put people into our lives to love and help us along the way, but ultimately the truest, deepest, lasting peace comes through the Savior. I pray for you that you will feel that peace through all your pain.

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  15. I read somewhere once that suffering is like a gas: some have a lot of it and some have little, but no matter how much, it fills you completely. That is not to say that your loss was not very great, great than what most have to endure, but that we all feel sorrow in the same way, and thus there is hope that we can feel for each other, even with our very different circumstances.

    I haven't suffered a loss like you have, but a few years ago I developed a chronic illness that keeps me in constant physical pain and limits my life in many ways. I struggle with the issue of empathy and of how to relate to (and not resent) healthy people. I guess, like you said, we can only try to let go of the comparison game, lest it get in the way of loving each other.

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  16. Molly - those images alone bring me intense heartache ... and what breaks my heart even more is knowing that the wrenching pain that I feel as I view them is not even a miniscule fraction of what you feel when you view them...

    ... I even have to wipe my tears that fall from my baby's face, I am crying that hard.

    I will not lie. Every time I read your blog, I am grateful I don't understand your pain to any extent... I pray I never will.

    As a mother - I weep for you. As a sister - I pray for you. As your friend - I will sing for you.

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  17. Love to you Miss Molly.

    Your heart speaks to mine. Lovely post. Lovely Lucy.

    I don't get it either. :( Hang in there my friend.

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  18. Moll-face, your story breaks my heart every time I visit, and then fills it back up with love...love for you and yours, and more love for mine.

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  19. Molly,
    These pictures of you and Lucy have stopped me in my tracks. They are oh too familiar. Just seeing the pictures shows me what kind of day you are having today and I am so sorry.

    I so relate to the intense desire to be understood. Sometimes I want to interrupt a conversation and just scream to remind people how much I still hurt inside. I often question why it matters. Like you it makes me wonder what pain is going on around me that I am so unaware of. Somedays I feel more compassion and aware and other days I assume no other pain could hurt like this pain.

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  20. Molly, even though I only know you through reading your amazing posts, this one was extra compelling for me. I have felt the exact same way in regard to my daughter's death. I've felt "picked on" and angry at times, but there is one thing that I remind myself when I "go there" and that is that everyone's life is on a different path. Maybe their "trial" hasn't happened yet. Maybe I just got to mine before they did. I think that you are such an inspiration and thank you for sharing your heart.

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  21. Every time I've experienced a level of pain and struggle that has felt almost beyond my capacity to endure, the thing I've longed for most has been this: to be understood. To be heard. To be known...in all my suffering realness.

    Some people have come close to understanding and hearing and knowing, and I have loved them and even been helped, to a degree. But the only real understanding available has always come from the Lord. He is the One who has "borne our griefs and carried our sorrows" (Isa. 53:4, Mosiah 14:4). And it is only when I am encircled in the arms of His love that I have found the peace I am seeking.

    I know I'm not telling you anything new. The hard part, as you are aware, is making adequate time to seek Him with singlemindedness of heart and spirit on a daily basis, which is especially difficult for a young mother with little time to call her own. But eventually, we all find our spiritual knees and know for a certainty that the words in D&C 84:88 are true: "...for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

    Things will be better soon, Molly...and worse...and then better again. Because that's the cycle we human beings go through in our mortal weakness. But you are a young woman who knows where to turn for refuge and strength. And you will be lifted over and over and over again until you are finally reunited with your sweet Lucy. And oh, what a day that will be!

    In the meantime, keep trying to get what you need from the many people who love you, who want to understand and hear and know your pain. And don't feel guilty for trying to do it.

    We all need each other in that way...to "comfort ourselves together."

    Much love to you, Molly...
    from Sue, one of your biggest admirers.

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  22. I have followed your site long before Lucy's passing. I found your site through a friends and could feel your energy through the web. It was very strange to feel it so strongly from someone I'd never met. But I remember seeing pictures of Lucy and of you and Vic and thinking - man, that is love. Right there. That woman - she loves her daughter with all of her heart, mind, and soul. And why wouldn't you? Lucy is gorgeous. I loved watching the silly videos of her bouncing in her chair and being so full of life. I loved reading stories about cute and funny things she'd say or do. I loved reading you pour out so much love for your child. I check your site frequently. When I read about the accident - I sobbed. I still cry for you Molly. It just isn't fair. I wish I could do or say anything to make you feel better. I wish I could take away some of the pain. All I can offer is my prayers for you. I do pray for you and Vic and Peter. I'm so so so sorry for your loss. Sending love from the Carolinas.

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  23. Molly,
    I've been reading your blog for awhile now, and I've always want to comment because your blog reaches me like no other, you say and express exactly what I'm feeling, but I can't put into the right words as beautifully as you, you are amazing, not only to me, but from what it sounds like many, many others as well.
    I lost Landon thirteen years ago, he was stillborn, and so I have rode that same wave of grief, mine was magnified ten fold when my family didn't acknowledge Landon because he never took a breathe, they didn't even come to the hospital for the week that I was there. I hate to compare Landon and Lucy, (and this is why I've never commented before) because having seem harder than
    having to say good-bye right after birth, but, all the same, I have felt every feeling you've felt and I find myself asking the same question, why do some people have to bare more than others, it makes me so mad sometimes! I'm grateful for the knowledge of the gospel, but sometimes that does seem to answer my questions, does it for you? Please know that people who have walked in your shoes "get it" and know your pain all too well.
    I envy you that you can blog about your feeling and so many people love and care for you, that's what will get you through!
    Can you see why I've never commented before, blah, blah, blah.....
    what I'm trying to say is;
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feeling because in a strange way it helps me to feel understood and not alone, and like someone else "gets it"
    love, Julie






    it

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  24. Monday, November 5, 2007
    30 Days of Thanks

    #1-....

    Go back to this blog you wrote...

    For the first time (I have been blog stalking you for months) I read your life stories before the 'turning point' to try and understand, I couldnt and may never but you are true inspiration of love in every sense of the word!

    With Love

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  25. Heartwrenching. I believe that no one will ever fully "get" your pain becuase they were not Lucy's mother. They can get the pain of loosing a child but never comprehend the pain of loosing your beautiful Lucy. It isn't fair. It makes me want to kick and scream for you. I too have been a silent follower up until this post and the pain and love you feel in these pictures made me want to offer some sort of comfort, I am so sorry that I can't though. I hope that everyone's desire to want to comfort you helps in some small way.

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  26. Hey Molly--

    Great thoughts as always. I confess that I'm always trying to find the right thing to say, wanting to say that perfect thing so that something within you will be lightened, even if for only a moment. I realize it's impossible to say and do the perfect thing--I'm not feeling what you're feeling and when it comes down to it I have no idea what will bring comfort. I think I've always tried that approach in these situations... and now I will try something new. I will try to approach with love first. Perhaps it will still be the 'wrong' thing or at least not quite right, but I feel that my arrow will be pointed in a slightly better position as I will be aiming to show love, rather than feign understanding.

    Molly you are by far my best fake internet friend. I have prayed and will continue to pray for your load to be lightened--or at least for it to feel lighter. And of course we both know that Heavenly Father loves you as I was once told in a blessing, "He is sometimes closer than you think." And those pictures are beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. You're right....I can't imagine. Much Love.

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  27. This post took my breath away.

    Sending you my love. <3

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  28. I also fall into the "You dont know me but inspire me" catagory. I stumbled across your blog through the chain of blogs from one to another a few days ago... I have a 21 month old daughter. You inspire me! The fact that you are even able to get out of bed every day. Your blog makes me stop and really cherish the times with loved ones I have. I wake up more during the night to just go kiss my baby girl. I find myself having more patience. More time to spend. You have suffered an unimaginable loss. I cant even begin to try and understand. You also have stood up and brought so much good from such a tragedy. You and your family are amazing. The fact that you are sharing your story has touched more lives than could ever be imagined.
    Even though its not the comfort you need to take away your pain, The Lord is with you. Alma 7 11-12 11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
    12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.. I'm sure you've heard that so many times.. I just think its a good reminder He has felt what you are going through. You have support even here on your blog from your story.
    I understand these words cant even start to get rid of the pain, but I hope it helps you know you have support.
    May you find the comfort you and your family need.

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  29. I found your blog through a comment left by your sister on my brother's blog. When I first read your story, the biggest thing I felt was your love for your daughter. I felt her beautiful spirit through the words and pictures there. Thank you for sharing a part of Lucy with us. I know I don't fully understand, but what you've shared has shown me a small piece of that pain. I have grown to love your family through your blog.

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  30. Molly,
    Unfortunately some of us do get you. But our situations are still different. I'm grateful that Flint also commented on what he observed that day. It helps me as I paint my thoughts on how it all happened. Though the crisis events are different, we end up with the same loss and long for the old days. Would you or could you have done anything different? Probably...but then maybe the crisis would've been a little different and the effects the same. Some of us need an angel in heaven. I don't think that's fair, either. I hope to understand at a later point in time...maybe after a reunion with my son. But that seems so far away.

    Sending you much love on your low day. Thank you for posting.

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  31. Molly, once again I brought to tears reading your blog and seeing those precious photos of Lucy and wishing there were more I could do for you. Just know you are never alone and you are always loved.

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  32. I don't think that I've commented before and I'm not even sure how I happened on your blog, but I love it.
    Your family is amazing and beautiful. I can tell you that you have given me strength when I have needed it.

    My trial is different that yours, it is still painful and I ask myself "why me? why my family?" so often. It's hard to find someone who can relate and then you feel alone in your trial.

    So thank you for your blog, your honesty and for sharing your wonderful family with the world. There are days I come here and read and realize that while our pains are different, I am not alone either. You are loved by so many who don't even know you.

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  33. Molly,
    Again, someone here who you do not know but I so related to what you think about "why me", "why not them" thinking. I too want others to know my pain for some reason. I want them to "get it". I ask myself the same things every minute of everyday. We do not have the same trial but mine makes me feel so incredibly alone. I have no husband; no family to support me or to lean on; no child to cheer me up with their laughter. There is no one. It may sound strange but I am glad someone else feels the same way I do. Sometimes I feel like a brat that I have those thoughts of anger and jealousy that others are being blessed and I seem to be forgotten by Heavenly Father. I want to be happy for them but I am not.What did I do? Or what didn't I do? I have been obedient. I have done what He has asked and still seem to be less favored than many others who have not been so obedient. It doesn't take the pain away but maybe it helps to know others have the same cycle of thoughts? It helps me a little-makes me feel a little less alone. We can do this.

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  34. I remember the pain. There is a little girl in our ward who looks (and acts) like Lucy did. I literally tear up if I look at her too long.
    Shaking my fist at the sky is my first reaction always. Crying is my next. I know I don't know what it feels like to be the parents here on earth...Lucy-less. I know that Christ knows the pain. He has too. And knowing this makes taking hard breaths easier somehow. I miss you more than I can say. I love you.

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  35. The photographs say more than words ever could.
    We sure do love you guys. We love Lucy and we love Peter.

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  36. Molly and Vic,
    Thank you for Lucy. Thank you for blessing me with a angel in my own life. Thank you for blessing me with someone who( as you put it Molly) is aware of me and is pulling for me. Thank you for letting me be there in the hospital with you. Thank you for being an eternal family. I dont understand this life either. I dont want my big brother and his wife to hurt. But if they have to for now, I want them to have each other. Love you.

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  37. Wow! It took me a couple moments to regain my composure after see the picture. My dear friend Karen lost her 3 year old daughter in a quick and unexpected manner, and that was 22 years ago. I can't believe how this picture is almost identical to her daughter Jayne... on life support, waiting to unhook her after family had arrived. Karen has never told her husband, or her mother, or anyone else what the experience was like because she sensed that people didn't know how to talk about it.

    I spent hours with Karen where she would tell me the most intimate details of Jayne's death. I asked tons and tons of questions, and she answered them all, in great detail. She, like you, needed someone to truly understand her pain, her regrets, and any fault that might be laid at her feet.

    Her younger daughter, Kate, turned one year old the day of Jayne's funerel. After that she suffered three late stage miscarriages and has given birth to another little girl.

    I can only tell you that for my friend, just having one person to open your heart to is healing and cleansing. Karen cried and wailed and sometimes she screamed. She knew I was safe, and she got it out as much as she could. I've been told that in the 22 years since this happened she has still never told her husband the gory details...but she feels at peace with it.

    Karen warns that you never totally get over the loss of a child, but that she compartmentalizes it so that the feelings of loss and respected and honored while you get on with your life and your family and have fun and be happy. She learned that it's not necessary to see happiness as a betrayal to your Lucy.

    God bless you Molly and all the family. Know that there are a multitude of people you don't know that pray for you and your family daily, and that Heavenly Father has His protective arms around you, even if you can't feel it completely yet.

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  38. Molly,

    Your post also had me in tears. Those photos of Lucy are so heartbreaking, but I love how you have your hand on Vic's arm in the first one. I have been amazed at how you and Vic have supported and strengthened one another through your horrific trial. I heard once that the death of a child often causes couples to divorce. I am so glad that you and Vic have demonstrated that couples can grow closer and rely on each other and I imagine that your relationship is much stronger now. I'm so glad that you haven't had to suffer the loss of your marriage as the loss of sweet Lucy.

    I don't get your pain and your loss does scare me. You are right. It isn't fair that you have had such an incomprehensible tragedy in your life, while most of us have much smaller trials. I wish you didn't feel so alone and I want you to know you were missed at Lunch Bunch at the church on Tuesday and that you are loved by so many people, including me.

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  39. I cannot IMAGINE what you went through. I am so sorry and I have actually prayed for your family and I do not even know you. THese pictures are so real and beautiful and ugly and heart wrenching. How did you do it? Oh... my heart goes out to you. My baby girl is Lucy and I lost Sophia at 6months gestation. My heart is with you today.............

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  40. I appreciate your honesty. I've felt this same way about the huge problem I'm dealing with. Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm so thankful that you'll have her again.

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  41. Thanks for sharing. It is hard to even share, but you are touching people and their lives more than you'll ever know.

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  42. {by the way that might have come out wrong when I said "best fake internet friend" I hope you know what I meant...fake in the sense that we haven't met in real life, but not fake at all. Sorry for that.}

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  43. Molly, I am totally crying right now. Those pictures you posted look so familiar to me. Your thoughts you shared are so familiar to me. I still have my Brooklyn and I am so grateful for that, but I still wonder why, why does she have to have such severe disabilities? Why couldn't this have happened to another mom who is more together than I am? Your message of love is right on. I need to remember that. Molly, I love you.

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  44. Love is all we can give. The pictures you share with us, show us your immense love for, sorrow for, and heartbreak with Lucy. We do feel pain for you, our hearts ache for you and Vic even though we may not understand the depth of your pain. My prayers I can give, and do, and my thanks, for sharing Lucy's story with us. You are loved by many. Many pray for you and wish you peace with your struggle to make sense of something we can not make sense of ourselves. I am a "friend" who listens, who cries with you, and thinks of your sweet Lucy.

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  45. Molly,

    I follow your blog and am truly inspired by your strength. I have found myself praying for your family many times.I know there is probably nothing I can say that would make your burden easier to bare, but I have a favorite quote that has helped me through very difficult times.
    "the will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot protect you"
    None of us will ever understand, but he does.Let him carry your burden.

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  46. Thank you for the reminder to love out little ones and out life everyday. I do not understand your pain. But I cry every time I read your blog. I love you and your family and I don't even know you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and inspiring me to make the best of my life....everyday.

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  47. Dear Molly, I never comment, because I never know what to say...but I faithfully read and absorb all your words, and I cry every single time. Your words, and Lucy's story stir so many emotions in me, and despite the grief and sorrow and pain that tugs at my heart when I think of your tragedy, I always leave your blog feeling grateful and hopeful, because I know that you KNOW the blessings of the gospel are real, and true. I KNOW that you will hold Lucy in your arms again, and I KNOW that your pain and sorrow is NOT in vain. YOU bless lives. LUCY blesses lives. Thank you.

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  48. I haven't posted in a long time I still read though and just had to post and send you cyber hugs... My heart truly breaks reading your blog your emotions just come through so real and raw.. I sit here crying for You, Vic and your family.. Your right we do all have burdens of our own, but the way of your losing Lucy is just so tragic and awful that I don't know any words to describe the way I feel about it... its just awful ...Take care God Bless you all
    LaDawn

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  49. Those pictures are heartbreaking. I am truly sorry that you do have to go through this. No one except others who have gone through the same thing and Christ will ever really know how your feel. But I cry every time I think about what I would feel if I lost Tyler, and I often wonder if someday I will have to know how that feels. Life is so unpredictable and we have so much to learn before it is over. And life really isn't fair. I'm so sorry and we continue to pray for you and Vic in your journey through this.

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  50. although most of us will never "get" your pain, those pictures caused a swell of emotions that only the tears that spill over can express. bless you. bless all of you. thank you for sharing so that we that read can love a little deeper and learn a little more.

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  51. You don't know me- but i follow your blog- because your amazing strength!! You are amazing!!! I truly admire you and your strength!!! I am a friend of Darcies- and thats kind of how i found your blog when you were/are going through so much turmoil of losing your sweet sweet Lucy!! She is a beautiful; beautiful little girl- and Heavenly Father is taking great care of her!

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  52. Molly - I, like many others have connected to you through your blog. I have mourned your loss and felt such sorrow for you. I think of you so often, and have prayed for you to be comforted.
    Your words are so honest and true. I love how honest you are, and I believe we all need that honesty.
    My loss isn't near what yours is, but I feel the same way. My husband and I have lost our home, our jobs, we have not one cent to our name, and as hard as we are struggling we can't seem to dig ourselves out of this pit. If it weren't for family members we would be living in our vehicle. I too want to scream and let everyone know my pain and my fear. I'm not sure why either. What good is it going to do. Sometimes I want to scream and shout because I want someone to embrace me and tell me everything will be ok.
    I'm so sorry for you. I want your pain to go away, but please continue to share your feelings to those of us who have learned to love and care for you. You are not alone - you have your blog followers praying for you. Scream and shout and let us know how your feeling. We all love you.

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  53. Wow. Those pictures are so heartbreaking. I am so sorry. No one should ever have to go through that. I can only imagine how hard it must be. My heart goes out to you guys. Even though I'm a stranger, I think of your family often. You are such an amazing woman Molly. I wish you all the best.

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  54. Molly,I love all of you..its hard times..but I want you to know you inspire me to remember the good as well as the sad and bad in life ...you help me remember one day I will get to see Aaron again big hugs for you Vic and Peter
    Aunt Linda

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  55. Molly
    I laid awake last night thinking about you and praying that Heavenly Father would please comfort you and free you from the pain you feel today.
    I know you have the faith and knowledge of the gospel teachings, but I think the pain you feel partly comes from the trauma you experienced. That has got to be so difficult to overcome. Please be patient with yourself, and find comfort in knowing you get Lucy back. You WILL raise her - the time has just been postponed. I can only imagine your reunion. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. Enjoy today and look forward to your future with Lucy.
    I so hope today you will feel relief.
    Lovingly
    robin

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  56. I have been following your blog since I heard about you from President Thacker in and email. I served for a few months in the Peoria mission before heading off to Nauvoo. I served with Sisters Bird, Irwin and Schnakenberg.

    What sacred pictures to share with us. I love reading your entries. You are amazing and I look up to you and your sweet family. Keep hanging in there. You will see your Lucy again in a far better world than we live in.

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  57. Dear Molly,
    I am like the many, many others who don't know you personally, but feel like I do in reading heart felt blog posts.

    I've been following since the passing of your sweet Lucy. My own little girl is 2 1/2 and although reading about your loss and heartache I've wanted to stop reading your blog many times. For I know the pain and sadness I alone feel does not even compare to what you must have to go through on a daily basis.

    I've never known what to say or comment about. I'm not a great writer as you and know how to share my feelings of comfort. I pray for you as my own sister and friend even though we've never met.

    I wish there was a way that I could take a portion of your pain, so that you would not have it all. That is where God comes in...and knows EXACTLY everything you are going through. I'm sure you know and have been told this before. I am almost thirty years old and have just realized this recently with having to go through my own trials and becoming a mother. Just knowing that one, just one person understands what I'm going through helps to lift any burden I have a little. I know God loves you...for you are his daughter as Lucy is.

    Thank you for sharing you most intimate feelings of this journey. May you feel Gods love encircle around you.
    -Kellie Glade-

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  58. Molly, I have been reading our blog for a few months now. I knew you at Ricks college. We met a few times. I think you were friends with my roommate Rochelle?? She is tall and skinny with dark hair, and so funny. She was in your singing/theater classes.... I think. Anyway, when I saw you I instantly recognized your face. If I am right I think you are from Rexburg, I think I knew your dad too. I am so touched by this post. You have a beautiful way about you. I am so so sorry for your loss. I think you and VIc are truly amazing people. Your friend, Melissa

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  59. Dear Molly,
    You may never now how much you inspire strangers. You are in my thoughts often. I come back to read your blog often, partly because I want to know how you are doing, and partly because so many of your words embody my feelings about a trial we have with our son, who has a severe disability and does not walk. His pain and illnesses are serious and real, yet so many people are sometimes so anxious for us not to hurt, they look at him and since he does not "appear" sick, they congratulate me on how great everything is.
    I feel so separated from "normal" people at times. There is such a longing to find the magic words that I may never find to share my feelings with someone and have them truly understand. But though I long for that understanding with my human, in-real-life friends, I know that their love is the most important thing they can really give, just as you pointed out. I don't know that I've ever looked at it exactly that way before reading your post. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. Your insight is so beautiful and real to me. Someday, I hope we both will have what we long for in the next life.

    Love,
    Christy

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  60. Molly,
    Totally get what you are saying...I feel the same way. I have said those same words in my head, "I want them to see inside my head and have a glimpse of the pain I feel!" Thank you for saying it so eloquently, and thank you for so many things, knowing I am not alone in this pain and that there are other mommies and daddies that do get it, helps me.
    Your pictures brought back the memories we have of Evan...oh how I want to give you a hug and cry with you, talk about Lucy and Evan, and then play with our new babies together. (We have a family reunion in Midway next summer....hopefully we can get together for a bit.)
    Love,
    Angela

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  61. like many others you have no idea who I am, I am one of those you hate, has a great life that has never felt anything so painful as you......But as I sit here crying so hard as will just ask you to please be strong, I am so sorry..........but be strong, we are all cheering you on along with God and Little Lucy. I can only pray for you because I can't IMAGINE the pain....please just stay strong.....we are all praying and counting on you

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  62. Molly, I love you. I love how you are so raw, so real. Thank you for opening your heart. It is almost an obsessive desire for others to know and understand our pain. And, I found that when they don't try, is when I become angry and start believing that they don't love me. I know most people can't truly sympathize with the depth of pain that we bereaved parents feel, I find that I'm okay that one can't completely understand, as long as they show a genuine interest in trying to understand. What angers me is when people you feel should care and should try to understand what you are feeling don't, that's when I become bitter, angry and wishing awful things on people I love. Does that make sense? So much love. I still want to talk to you. Loves,
    Michelle
    we all need to get together soon. We should do an angel meeting for the holidays and do some remembrance ceremony:) LOVES

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  63. Molly,
    I understand each and everything you have said. I go through the same cycle...over and over again. Thank you for expressing it so well. Thank you for sharing your insights. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone...that what I'm feeling and thinking is normal. That I'm not the only one feeling this awful, awful pain. I think you are amazing.
    Those pictures of Lucy..oh, I just want to cry. I want to hug you and cry with you. I have many of those same kinds of pictures with Wyatt. Oh, so hard. It's all so hard! Sending a hug your way.
    Loves,
    Andrea

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  64. Molly-

    those pictures are so precious yet so heart wretching at the same time. I feel for you. I can't even imagine. I like what you said about the tender merices. Hold on to those. Don't forget them. They are what keep me going. I love this qoute be Elder Bednar- The tender mercies of the lord are REAL. The do not occur randomly or by coincidence. ((((HUGS))))

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  65. Hi Molly...I have felt connected to you and your sweet family ever since this tragedy struck. I know I've commented a couple times here and there, but I've been thinking about you a lot lately.

    My husbands cousin passed away last week very unexpectedly at age 32, leaving behind an amazing wife and six girls ranging from 1-10 years old. Abby's biggest trial right now is learning how to handle the grief. This is where my thoughts keep coming back to you.

    My heart aches for you both. I DON'T understand either of you completely, however...I love you, think of you, and pray for you almost on a daily basis. I hope that in some small way this is easing your burden.

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  66. I know that your pain is undeniably real. It is so hard to understand. With you wondering "why me? why not her?" Is easy to do. The pain you feel is a direct result of the absolute free from pain Lucy feels right now. I know my children must suffer at times. They will. I can't stop it. Life can really be cruel sometimes, and I can't protect them from it. They have to experience it until it's their time to pass. There will be joy for them too, but the pain will be inevitable and possibly harsh. I'm not saying I would possibly want to feel your pain, but the Lord has freed Lucy from further trial and hurt. And, your suffering is the consequence. As hard as it is to heal, perhaps knowing that your pain also involves Lucy's joy can somehow ease the hurt. While one mother's pain and worry is drawn out-watching their baby grow, be happy, be sad, be frustrated, make mistakes, be vulnerable and not understand why she (the child) has to endure this life,- your pain of her being there one day and gone the next hit all at once. It's so hard to understand,and most certainly not fair. I don't get it, but knowing we're all going to end up being equal with our necessary growth in this life, only to have joy in the end, helps. And knowing Lucy will have joy forever more, and that her trial is finished is absolutely awesome. You are both so beautiful.I Love you-I hope your day with Peter is fun.

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  67. Two months ago my 33-year-old sister died unexpectedly during childbirth. She left behind her husband, 3-year-old daughter, and a newborn she never saw, kissed, or even held. For the past two months I have felt pain that I never knew was even possible. I barely understand it, and those around me understand my feelings even less. I don't know how to even put into words my thoughts and feelings so that others can understand. But, the one thing that has helped is the love and care others have shown. They don't know what to say, but their calls, e-mails, and notes of concern for me and my sister's family comforts me. I hope to be as strong as you Molly. I know it isn't the same situation, but your courage and hope strengthens me. Much love.

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  68. Molly,
    Those pictures tug at my heart strings. I want you to know how much I love you and think of you often. You are amazing and I will always look up to you.

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  69. No one gets a pass on pain in this life, but those pictures of Lucy so wired up are hard to see...how hard you had to work to hold her..I think it is her chubby little thigh there that gets me the most. I know you miss holding her every day. I am glad we live in times such as these that you have such a photo though. I think of all the mothers through history who lost babies and had nothing but the aching memory. You are strong...you are loved...and you will hold her again. Other Aunt Linda

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  70. I think about your beautiful Lucy often and I love to read your blog. You keep her spirit so alive in your words it is truly inspirational. You are an amazing Mother and Woman such a great example to all, thank you for continuing to share your heart. Praying for you always.

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  71. Molly,
    As soon as I opened your blog and saw the picture the tears have not stopped. Your little Lucy. Life is not fair. I too go through a similar cycle. I respect you and your ability to "share" your grief. I think that you are helping people to understand better and you are touching lives. I would love to talk to you sometime. We need to connect. Love to you. Cassi

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  72. Through those eloquent words and those poignant photos, you yet again remind me to hug my children tighter, and to remember what TRULY matters in life. Thank you.

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  73. Wow this post really hits home with me because my little girl is the same age your sweet Lucy was when she passed, and has the same blonde hair. My heart feel so much pain just thinking about it, I cant even imagine what your going through. I pray that you can be comforted.

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  74. I am a 'lurker' also that loves your blog and I feel as if I know you. We both know that isn't true but I have intense sorrow for you and Vic. Enough that I sob for you...for Lucy...for Peter...for Vic...for the 'unfairness'.

    I may be wrong but if I understand it all, we chose our trials in Heaven. (And please correct me if I am wrong...that helps me deal with my own issues.) But we were still so excited to come to Earth, to have this experience and return to live with our Father in Heaven!! I think of my trials (no where near what you are working through) and wonder what I was thinking, why I said I would do this and what is 'behind the next door'. But I was excited and ready to battle them!! Now that I am here...I struggle because I have forgotten. The veil has been drawn and my test begun. My trials are supposed to be good for me. They are to make me strong and help me become the young woman Heavenly Father needs me to be so I can live with Him forever. It's hard!!! I have a daily battle within myself...a war zone that is supposed to make me 'better'. Molly remember He never said it would be easy but that it would be worth it. I believe this. It feels right. I have to pull on my big girl panties and trudge through my trenches and carry on. I am working for the 'worth it' part. :)

    I think Lucy is close. She is part of your daily life. Her spirit glides with yours and then you miss her and feel this sorrow and pain. Of course on the other side, there will be nothing but Joy, but for now, I think that is how your physical body reacts to the intense power of her spirit that is on the other side of the veil. I don't have the words to explain. I am positive she wants her mommy to be happy. Try, for her, to think of this trial in a positive way. (I'm sure that makes you angry to even have me say that.) Let me explain. You have an amazing Little Guardian Angel!! You can call on her at any moment. She is so cute and she loves you dearly!! You will be her mommy forever and one day your loss will be made whole. You will never have to leave her side again. This trial is making you into a beautiful person!! You are growing the way Heavenly Father intended you to. You are doing exactly what you were excited to do in the Pre-Existence!! You have Peter. Of course he doesn't replace or fill the empty hole that resides in your heart, but he brings you happiness again. He is a large resemblance of Lucy. An adorable reminder of what you are striving for. You can do this!! I think it is very healthy to express your anger and misunderstandings. Keep it up!! That is how the grieving process works. You are so very strong! I marvel at your 'amazingness'!! Just know you help me keep going and battle through this life. If you can do it...I can!!! I don't 'get' your pain but I know your pain makes me stronger.

    Lots of Hugs!!

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  75. Thank you for being a light in the darkness, I have struggled with loss, not of a child, but a dear friend. You put to words feelings and emotions that I have often thought for several years. I am so grateful that you are out there and that through your blog I can see that it is ok to feel the pain in my heart that has been there for over 10 long years.

    I agree, we want people to know our pain, possibly so they will understand the Hell we are going through. They don't understand, they keep saying that I should not have pain 10 yrs later, but there are moments and times that I feel my friend reaching out from the other side guiding me and protecting me and giving me advice like I know she would if she were still here. It is in these moments that the pain is fresh, new and raw like it just happened yesterday.

    Thank you for your blog and for making real pain so visble and allowing everyone to grieve for their loss and your loss which was so great.

    My prayers are with you and your family. May God's love and Lucy surround you and buoy you up so when you need someone to "know your pain" and someone is not there, they will be there to listen and dry the tears.

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  76. Oh, Molly, my heart aches for you and with you. I have asked many of these same questions, time after time.

    I will never understand.

    Just yesterday I was reading from 1 Peter and how God calls us to love one another "deeply, from the heart (1 Peter 1:22b)."

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  77. I am full on sobbing right now. What beautiful comments you have received. The only thing as a mother that comes close to understanding your pain and loss (aside from loosing a child) Is to know the love a mother has for her children. My heart aches for you! I think of you often and have prayed for you. I too was so over joyed to see you holding peter in your arms. These pictures are so tender. I can't even imagine that day. I know that we were sent here to this earth to experience pain but why some seem to be given more than their share I do not understand. Your family has inspired me and made me want to do and be better! Thank you for sharing your tender thoughts. I am sending you love today
    (( Hugs )) Kelsi

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  79. Thank you for reminding all of us not to sweat the small stuff, I think of Lucy when I put my kids to bed at night, and give them extra hugs and kisses, knowing there are no promises in this life, but the promise of forever in the next. Thank you for your strength.

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  80. Hello Molly,

    I commented earlier, but you keep coming back to my mind. I truly wish there was something I could say that would magically make it all okay, but I know I can't. Instead, I want you to know how much you've inspired me and encouraged me to be a more grateful mother. We have struggled as parents and have been blindsided by several unexpected challenges--we have often felt robbed of the "happy family" experience other people seem to be having. You help me to appreciate my children.

    Don't feel guilty for wanting others to know your pain.

    My Dad's younger brother died at one day old. Even though it has been over fifty years, each time I see my Grandmother, she tells me about him. She'll say, "I had a baby. He died when he was just one day old--little Phillip Anthony. . ." Even though she had several more children, it is clear Phillip left a hole that could not be filled. She tells me about him so that he won't be forgotten--she wants the world to remember that he was here, that he was important, even if he only lived a day. And, you have to continue to tell Lucy's story because it is important that she was here, and she shouldn't be forgotten. You're words keep her alive to those who knew her, and introduce her to those she never met--and we are all touched by her. Thank you.

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  81. I like to check on your blog every now and then...It amazes me how much you can care for someone you've never met. I have a 3 yr old daughter and it looks like she might be the only child I'll ever have due to some infertility issues. I wonder why me, and then think why not... I truly think nothing compares to your loss but I understand not having your life go the way you would like or want. I love the honest raw emotion in your posts. Thank you for sharing, I hope you can feel our love.

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  82. Molly, I read this post last week and I was so moved by your thoughts and the touching pictures of Lucy. Last night when I couldn't sleep, I thought of you (and me). I don't know your pain but I do know my pain. The pain of loosing our little girls. I think that our pain is the same but different. I'm so sorry you have the pain of such a tragic ending. My pain is different in that Mia's death was peaceful. We knew she would die. I don't know if that makes loosing her any different or easier. They are still gone. You are such an amazing person and I love how you put your feelings into words so well. It helps me sort out my feelings. Anyway thank you so much for your words. You are loved by many. Keep that faith & love in your heart. You WILL be with Lucy again, and I hope to be with Mia too. Love You! - Nicole - Mia's mom ^i^
    PS Sometimes I think it would be nice to have 1 hour of pain free thinking and living. An hour when we don't have to feel our loss. But I guess if we had that hour we would never be able to face it again. I hope I make sense. Hugs to you!

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  83. Molly-
    You don't know me, I've just felt immense happiness lately and almost feel guilty for it. I too, have face some tragedy in my life... not exactly what you have faced, but my own. Time does heal, however friends and family but especially the Savior have helped me overcome those dark feelings. Tonight I was sent a copy of a YouTube video of a song my cousin's 16 year old daughter sang and I know why I was sent that tonight... for you. Please listen to it, it's beautiful and music often lifts me. Here is the link:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0ZU2MRI6Pk

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  84. Molly,
    I really am at a loss for what to say and wish I could be of comfort to you and that I could take your pain away. I wish that every single time I read your blog, and everytime I think of your sweet Lucy. You and your family are amazing and are so strong. Love to you all!

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  85. Oh molly. I am so sorry. It sounds pathetic, but thank you for this post. I needed it. You are wise beyond belief. Lucy. Sweet Lucy.

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  86. Molly,

    While searching for a book by Royden G. Derrick I came across your blog. I am an old acquaintance of Vic's from his AZ days. I was touched by your post and just want to let you and Vic know that while I will never be able to empathize with your life's experiences, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

    Also, it was fun to see what has been transpiring in your family in the past year+ since seeing you guys. That little Peter is cute as can be (know wonder he is in the movies :)

    Sincerely,
    J.R. Ellingson

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  87. Molly, (& Vic)

    I have never commented on your blog before, but after this post I feel compelled to write. I cannot even begin to imagine what you have gone through, and continue to go through. As I look at this picture of you holding your sweet Lucy in the hospital and kissing her so tenderly. I am sick. . . I hurt just to think about the pain that you have to endure. I cry until my head hurts just looking at these pictures, trying to fathom your intense fear, hurt, and pain. I'm sorry that life has dealt you such a heavy load.

    You are right, at the end of the day everyone else has to worry about thier own lives, but you are not forgotten, even by strangers. And YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Although there are so many others in this life that suffer loss, there really is only one person who can truely understand your unique personal pain. Isn't it amazing that the Atonment of our Savior, Jesus Christ, was really for more than just repentance? I just wanted to share with you the only words of comfort than can even come to mind, my favorite scripture. Isaiah 49:15-16 "...I will not forget thee. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me."

    I pray that this scripture can bring you a bit of peace to you on a day, at a time when the pain is too much to bare.
    You are loved!
    Becky Black

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  88. Molly, I have read every post from your blog for the last 1.5 years and these last few weeks I have been extra busy and have fallen behind on reading blogs. I was just reading over your Halloween one when I was to the end of it and realized that you had another post (this one) that I hadn't read. One glance at the picture and my eyes filled up with tears. No mother should EVER have to hold there child like that, I have nightmares picturing something like this happening to my kids and it terrifies me. Just knowing that you are holding this perfect little body in your arms that lay completely still and there is NOTHING you can do to make them better. The thought of just being helpless besides praying your heart out. I am SO sorry about your loss. This honestly is the WORST thing that could ever happen to a mother, and even though I am not even close to the level of hurt you have from this loss, I can just imagine. You are a strong women and you really help all of us mothers who have been fortunate enough to still have all our kids with us here on this earth remember and value each of their precious little lives.

    I was reading a few of the first comments that were made on this post, and the one with the person saying they remembered the events of that day; the fireman, you leaving sacrament,etc Just thinking that you really had to see all this happen, I always wondered what exactly happened with her when she started choking. Not realizing that you were actually in sacrament (from what that comment made it sound like) I am so amazed o f all the strength you have to keep going on, and knowing that you still have to see so many things that can remind you of that event. One day when you are ready and to that point (if it isn't to personal) I would love to read about the full extent of the incident, you write so powerfully and I am grateful you are so willing to open up your heart so we can all be reminded where our priorities should be. Thanks :)

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  89. The sad thing is not even I or anyone who has lost a child knows your pain.

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  90. I follow your blog, but have never commented. This post has brought me to tears, overwhelming tears. Oh those pictures, how they tear at my heart. How awful, I don't know why some people have "easier" trials then others it seems, but know my heart aches for you and is full of love for you sweet family.

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  91. Molly, I needed this post today. I have not been reading all your posts lately, so went back to catch up. I found this post, and I just needed it. I especially needed this quote:
    "In the turmoil and strife of our society today, many are frustrated, overwhelmed by anxieties and fears. As an individual strives to regain stability and self-confidence, it is vital that friends put their arms around him and assure him that he is not alone, that he can succeed in the struggle to return. Too often we weaken such an individual through thoughtless remarks and failure to understand rather than building with love and sincere concern."

    The words "I need my confidence back" have been running through my mind over, and over, and over, and over.... so much of that is gone. I used to be such a confident person. And it's lost.

    I read: "In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence" and "Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong" and I don't understand why I don't get my confidence back. I do know I struggle with FULLY trusting God, but I really should be more confident, but I think I just need more outside reassurance to get through this now so that I can stand on my own two feet again. I need to be lifted up, because I don't have the strength on my own. I hate saying this, because I don't WANT to NEED this. Anyway.

    Believe me, there are those of us who understand the pain - "The horrific separation, the tragedy, the loss, the trauma of such an event," although I cannot know your experience exactly. It was enough to go through with Dominic. It was already too much! But I also am struggling to accept, to REALLY believe fully that Bridget went through the SAME crisis event six years later, too! That it wasn't just Dominic, and that I'm not really on a mattress in IKEA in a horrible nightmare, and I'm really NOT in the hospital at Bridget's bedside waiting for her to be healed (because the Spirit told me she would be a special needs child, and there's no way God is going to let her die TOO). I have lost too much of myself, and I guess the confidence is left in those parts of me who are still disconnected (the "experts" call that dissociation, which they say is a "normal" response, but it doesn't FEEL "normal")...

    Anyway, I get frustrated. People don't GET IT! I needed your post. I am glad I'm not the only one who is just so wanting others to GET IT.

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