Why do I feel such an intense desire for others to understand and "get" my pain? It's this unrelenting urge for people to know the hell I've been through. The hell I am going through. Why? Why do they have to know? They can't take it away from me, they can't change the past...but I need them to know. I want them to FEEL it. Am I trying to make things fair? If I have to feel it then so do they? Can there only be a just and fair God if we all feel the same intense pain that I'm feeling? The horrific separation, the tragedy, the loss, the trauma of such an event? And who am I to judge whether or not they have experienced loss and pain in their own lives? This is something that has been very difficult for me to get a grasp on. The bottom line is that life isn't fair. I judge others who appear to have an "easy" life and think that because of that, it is their duty to serve and lighten the load of others. Otherwise, their bubblicious life is for naught.
My cycle of thinking goes like this: 1) Why me and not them? Why do "they" have a life free of something this huge? How did they get so lucky to have expectations of life that actually have been met with relatively few bumps along the way? 2) I guess people care about my loss. But at the end of the day they have to worry about their own lives. 3) People want to turn away and not go too deeply into my life and my pain because it scares them. 4)Everyone lives in their own bubble. No one really cares. No one really understands. 4) I am all alone in this.
And thus we go round and round.
I was talking with a friend about this yesterday, like I always do when I want to try and make sense out of this life. He said something so simple and profound, something I have probably learned and thought of more than once-- but forgotten. Always forgetting, that's my problem. Forgetting the miracles, the tender mercies, the moments of clarity and peace. Is it just me? He said that we will likely never fully understand one another...BUT, (I like big butts) we can love each other.
So I am learning, I'm trying, to be okay with that. My pain may not be understood, but I am loved nonetheless. And that goes for all of us. I certainly cannot fully understand and FEEL the pain of another in the same way that they do. So I am just as guilty.
But I do love them.
And love is more powerful than understanding. Don't you think?
"In the turmoil and strife of our society today, many are frustrated, overwhelmed by anxieties and fears. As an individual strives to regain stability and self-confidence, it is vital that friends put their arms around him and assure him that he is not alone, that he can succeed in the struggle to return. Too often we weaken such an individual through thoughtless remarks and failure to understand rather than building with love and sincere concern."
Royden G. Derrick-- When Men's Hearts Fail