Wherein I Debate if It's Possible

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 9:18 AM




"I can't believe it's been fifteen months", I said to my sister last week. "It seems so impossible that we've lived that long without her. FIFTEEN MONTHS! How? How?"

"Forget fifteen months," she said. "It's impossible that it even happened at all."

And that's the truth of the matter. It truly is impossible. Yet, it is our reality. Separated suddenly, tragically, and for seemingly endless years from our perfect little girl. It is impossible to describe to another human being. Sometimes I am frustrated. Mad. Bitter even--that others will never truly know our pain and feel what we feel. A life free of this kind of suffering seems like a life too good to be true.

And then it happened. While pulling out of my garage last week, after a particularly great day, (more on my weekly TV show and the launch of my Good Grief website later!) I thought, "I'm happy!" And when the tears started to surface I questioned why. Why do tears and heartache have to be involved even when I'm feeling well? Why can't I just enjoy the moments when the missing has abated? And then I realized...
I'm crying because I feel gratitude. I'm crying because it's a miracle. I'm crying in thanks to my God. I never thought I would head to the grocery store on any given day, baby boy in tow, and feel unabashed, unabated, for no-reason-at-all happiness.

And the bad days come. And the tears of happiness mix with stabbing tears of pain and sadness. But the truth is that it is possible. It did happen. She is gone. But I can and will find joy in this life.

For with God, nothing is impossible.




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23 Loving Lines

  1. Your loss, your faith, your life--they are all incredible. Thanks to you and Vic for being what you are.

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  2. Your story is such an inspiration to me-It reminds me to be thankful and make sure I live up to every last minute. You are such a strong women and I am so happy your happy.

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  3. Molly--once again crying with you... that's great. I'm really happy for you. I'm so happy you can be happy again.

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  4. Knowing that others may not ever suffer the kind of pain you have... that we all do not have a total grasp of your pain... seems so totally unfair. I already know life isn't fair, but why is it you had to suffer like this? I do not enjoy hearing that anyone suffers.

    I am glad you are determined to find the joy.

    ToOdLeS.

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  5. You know what this made me remember? My son Dakota and I were talking a while back, about death. And he stopped suddenly and put his arm on my arm, looking right at me. He said ' Mom. I want you to promise me if anything ever happened to me you wouldn't spend the rest of your life being miserable. I can't stand to think of that. '

    I am sure your Lucy would say the same.

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  6. I am so glad that you are happy Molly. I am sure it can sometimes be a moment to moment, day to day thing. But now you know you CAN be happy again. My best friend that lost her daughter, 12 years ago this week, said, it took her a while to allow herself to feel happy. She is happy most of the time now, but still has those times of sadness, missing her little girl. She has learned to live with the knowledge that she will see her again, when it is time. I am so glad that you are feeling happiness in your life.

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  7. I am so glad you are happy!!! "Men are that they might have joy" It is hard to allow ourselves happiness and then the next second we remember our sorry, it's very confusing!
    I was teary over a friend losing a baby the other day and my little boy said "you lose your nother baby mommy?" (I've had 2 miscarriages this year) Poor kid he thinks every time I cry I've lost a baby, that's the hardest is holding it together for my children! I hope as my due date approaches I can be strong and happy!

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  8. I was in Phoenix this past week for the funeral of my cousin's little 6 month old baby, Ethan. Ethan had been very ill since he was born with a heart condition, but I watched the two of them struggle and just wished there was anything I could do to take their pain away. They are just tsarting out those extremely hard days of grief and loss. I can't imagine what it must be like. Thanks for being a good role model and support to other parents who have suffered like you have. I want to refer Heidi to your blog to let her know that someday she will feel happiness, although it will probably never be the same. Love you.

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  9. It is a miracle that happiness comes! I used to feel guilty when I first started realizing I was happy because I was afriad that meant I was forgetting my son. But, then I realized that my son wanted me to be happy just like I knew he was happy. Like you said, hard days come, but through our Heavenly Father, peace and happiness really can be felt again! I'm so excited for you and all the things you are doing right now! You are amazing and are such a wonderful example, to me and to everyone that knows or has even heard about you!! You have the talent and gifts of infuencing so many!

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  10. I think about you so often. I'm glad you have good days sometimes. I'm sorry for the bad, but they are part of the game. I am in a choir that is doing a 9/11 concert on the 11th and 12th. There are several songs about loss and making it through and every time we sing them I think of you. If you are interested in hearing them, the concert is free and at the Granite Tabernacle (2005 S. 900 E.) in Salt Lake at 7:30.

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  11. I was crying again about your story yesterday and my 3 year old walked in and asked why I was crying. When I told him, he said to me that I shouldn't cry because your baby was happy. I'm glad to read that you feel happy, even though you still feel pain. Thank you for the reminder that adversity is part of life but we can still find joy in the journey.

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  12. Healing is a wonderful thing..And you're right, it's a blessing that comes straight from the Lord.


    Through all the ups and downs of grieving, you and your family are on the right path, and I bet that makes Lucy proud as can be.

    =)

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  13. Have you ever seen the movie "Shadowlands"? It's about the life of CS Lewis. I saw it when I was a teenager and it has stuck with me, two lines in particular. The story chronicles how Lewis lost his wife...to cancer,I believe, and at one point he says something like "The pain now is part of the happiness then." I have reflected on this over and over, especially since Dakin got sick. They apparently have to go hand in hand...the happiness you felt at Lucy's birth was part of the pain you feel at her passing, and the pain you feel at her passing will be part of the happiness when you see her again. They are inseparable pieces of a whole. So the pain you feel can be part of the happiness you felt as you were at the store with Peter.

    That probably didn't come out right, but it's brought me a lot of perspective, and I thought it might help you as well...

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  14. Hi. You don't know me, but I just stumbled across your blog last night somehow. I love this post. It is truely amazing and inspirational.

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  15. You're right, it is a total miracle. I still can't believe that this has happened to you, or that you have survived it and have found happiness on the other side of it.

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  16. Molly, I have been following your blog ever since I was reading on one of my friends blogs and someone suggested to her to read yours! She lost her little 3 1/2 month old baby boy in February of this year. I find it truly amazing at the strength that your two moms have. I love to read your blogs and see what an inspirational person you are and to see what kind of wisdom you are sharing. I just thought you might want to take a peek at my friends blog because she too is going through the loss of a child and is absolutely an amazing person. Her name is Sunny Goodman and her blog is goodmangoodtimes.blogspot.com. If you scroll back she talks about the day her sweet little boy went home to his Heavenly Father and how they are all dealing with the loss. I feel like you would have some amazing similarities with this sweet woman. Anyway, just though i would share! Mandi

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  17. I don't know where the time has gone either. None of this makes sense.
    Except that you GET to be happy, no matter what, when you CAN BE. Guilt is not the winner in this. Definitely Lucy won't feel forgotten or minimized if her mom feels light and love and happiness. Lucy will be happy and feel light and love and happiness WITH YOU. And FOR YOU. You are on the same side , in the end. TOGETHER.

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  18. Not only do you deserve to be happy, it's o.k. to, when that happiness is felt, embrace it, let it in, enjoy it, share it.

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  19. "Tears are proof that you have the courage to suffer" -Viktor Frankl, Man's search for meaning

    It's great to see you finding happiness!

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  20. I am so glad you are sharing this. What a wonderful, couragous person you are to put everything out there! Good luck on your continued journey.

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  21. I just found this post...
    http://www.incourage.me/2009/09/the-hope-of-heaven.html
    and thought I'd share. Have a wonderful weekend!

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  22. You know, Lucy is a part of our every day life. Allie is always telling people about her, or pretending or making up songs about her. All the time. Today for example, we had a little funeral for a lizard that died. We all wished it well and told it to say hello to Lucy (and Grandpa Hope) in heaven.

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  23. Your blog is such an inspiration. And you're right, the rest of us don't fully understand. But, our mother hearts, our hearts that love our children so desperately, understand in part. We weep with you. One writer called motherhood a "heavy-hearted happiness." You've experienced that more than most. Christ did, too. You're closer to Him because of it.

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