"I can't believe it's been fifteen months", I said to my sister last week. "It seems so impossible that we've lived that long without her. FIFTEEN MONTHS! How? How?"
"Forget fifteen months," she said. "It's impossible that it even happened at all."
And that's the truth of the matter. It truly is impossible. Yet, it is our reality. Separated suddenly, tragically, and for seemingly endless years from our perfect little girl. It is impossible to describe to another human being. Sometimes I am frustrated. Mad. Bitter even--that others will never truly know our pain and feel what we feel. A life free of this kind of suffering seems like a life too good to be true.
And then it happened. While pulling out of my garage last week, after a particularly great day, (more on my weekly TV show and the launch of my Good Grief website later!) I thought, "I'm happy!" And when the tears started to surface I questioned why. Why do tears and heartache have to be involved even when I'm feeling well? Why can't I just enjoy the moments when the missing has abated? And then I realized...
I'm crying because I feel gratitude. I'm crying because it's a miracle. I'm crying in thanks to my God. I never thought I would head to the grocery store on any given day, baby boy in tow, and feel unabashed, unabated, for no-reason-at-all happiness.
And the bad days come. And the tears of happiness mix with stabbing tears of pain and sadness. But the truth is that it is possible. It did happen. She is gone. But I can and will find joy in this life.
For with God, nothing is impossible.