Sunday, May 3, 2009

I'm really at a loss for words lately.

I'm consumed with feeding, burping, swaddling, cuddling, kissing, lack of sleep-ing, marveling, diapering, wondering, grieving, missing.

Often, I find myself in tears. Depressed. Overwhelmed. The one year mark is approaching. The trees are blooming and birds loudly chirping (much to my chagrin at 5 in the morning)--all while my son sleeps noisily next to me day and night...mimicking my emotions. Up, down. Good, bad. Hopeful, helpless. Light and dark.

The signs of Spring are hopeful, yet simultaneously haunting. Soon, I will no longer be able to say, "At this time last year with Lucy..."

Sometimes we just hold him and cry. No words; just an unspoken understanding.

There is much to celebrate, much to anticipate, and much to deal with in the coming weeks.(Mother's Day, Vic's birthday, Lucy's "graduation" day, Our 5 yr. anniversary, Lucy's 3rd birthday, Father's Day...BAM!...) There are times I feel I'll crumble and the next day I feel very much alive and vibrant. On a crumbling day earlier this week I updated my Facebook status as follows:

"Molly is wondering if it's too late to trade in her life for a different one?"

I got many sympathetic and sweet comments from friends. But the one that hit the nail on the head read:

"Yes, I hear there is an opening for a life swap with an albino midget in Swaziland...interested?"

It made me chuckle--which is the medicine I'm in desperate need of. But it also made me realize (yet again) that my life isn't so bad. There are even times I think my life is wonderful. Two words come to mind--rich and full. Not easy. Not glamorous. But very full.

Wrong will be right,
When Aslan comes in sight,

At the sound of his roar,
sorrows will be no more,

When he bares his teeth,
winter meets its death,

And when he shakes his mane,
we shall have Spring again.

-C.S. Lewis
(Thank you, Heidi!)

I read every comment, every email, appreciate every gift, every phone call, every text, every prayer. Many tender stories of similar suffering and enduring have been shared with me. You are not alone, WE are not alone. I think of you and pray for you and love you. Yes, YOU.

One day at a time. Right?


  1. I wish I had something to say to help ease the pain. I think, though, the Aslan poem really says it all, and it is amazing to know that one say those tears will be wiped away. You are in my prayers.

  2. I'm always amazed at your strength. Even through the bad days, you show how strong you both are.

    I haven't met you in person and wasn't lucky enough to know your Lucy. I just can't believe that she isn't here on this earth. I watch your little girl's video and it seems so wrong, so strange that she's not there with you.

    It's exciting seeing you on a new journey with your little guy. I wish I could say something that would make all of the hurt go away, but that would also erase all of your memories of Lucy and THAT would be a tragedy. She is precious. They both are. AND they're both very lucky to have you.

  3. I can only imagine the myriad of emotions you must be feeling during this time. From joy to sorrow in a matter of moments, and trying to live in the present, but desparately clinging to the past. Hold on to your faith, but remember to be kind to yourself. Be patient - there is no time table on grief.
    Everything will be ok.
    Enjoy your gift from Heaven.

  4. Its pretty awesome you are able to put in words your immediate feelings and pretty much your deep thoughts. A lot of people don't have the ability to do that and that is such a gift, considering all that has happened. Peter is a doll and I would like to come and give him lots of kisses and pretend to be a mommy for a bit. I find that I hold the green baby in our show because it is the exact size and weight of a newborn and it just feels right. Someday.....

  5. Molly,
    I haven't left a comment yet to tell you how beautiful Peter is. Your posts always bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing such candid moments of your life. Your words are so powerful. The video of Lucy made me just cry. ( I can't even begin to know what it must do to you) Then to read the quote from the Chronicles of Narnia. Wow. You are truly inspiring. I love Narnia. I just finished the final book with my oldest son last week and I'd like to start them all over again. May you find comfort and joy as it is mixed with the sorrow and despair. Good luck with all the battles you must fight.

  6. Molly - Such amazing pictures, such precious (and funny) videos. So - you did get our gift? The tracking # said that it didn't get delivered, so I e-mailed them & said to resend it, which they have. Sorry if you get 2 sets! I really did love that poem and hope you feel the love we have for you and our Savior has for you, Vic, Lucy, and Peter.
    You really do have so much coming up. It would be overwhelming to me anyway - without all the grieving and newborn-tending you are doing right now. But you cannot be more right - one day at a time. That is all we are asked to do.
    We love you!

  7. Wow I see so much of you in Peter. He is absolutley adorable. But i am a little partial to boys. I hope you are able to enjoy your little sweetness amongst these tough weeks ahead. I will be thinking of you!

  8. You probably don't want to hear this... but watching those two little video clips, I just have to say it.

    You. are. blessed.

  9. Hello, you don't know me, but i love your little family... i stumbled across this quote and thought of lucy.
    Have you ever seen a flower down
    Sometimes angels skip around
    And in their blissful state of glee
    Bump into a daisy or sweet pea.
    ~Jessi Lane Adams

    Thanks for sharing your life with all of us!

  10. just hearing your words breathes new energy into me. you are being lifted up in so many ways.

    He speaks, and the sound of His voice,
    Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,
    And the melody that He gave to me,
    Within my heart is ringing.
    And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
    And He tells me I am His own,
    And the joy we share as we tarry there,
    None other has ever known.
    a verse from my favorite hymn "In The Garden"

  11. I loved both of the video pieces that you shared. Little Lucy's smile is beautiful. It is an interesting thing to read the blog of someone you don't personally know. As I heard your voice as you spoke to both of your children, but particularly as you were speaking to Peter and then you said, "we miss you Lucy" just as the taping was ending; I was sure that I detected the emotion in your voice as you said her name. Kind of puts a different perspective into the mind of the reader/listener as they read a blog of someone they don't know. These are real people having real life experiences good or bad. You do have a lot coming up, and then you will be past "the year of firsts". You're doing great!

  12. I've been wondering how you're doing. I can only imagine the bittersweet you are going through right now with your earth angel, and your heavenly angel. It is amazing how much Peter resembles Lucy. They are both beautiful and such happy children. I was watching the video of Lucy and my little one, almost 2, was enthralled! He laughed like crazy when she said Elmo and ran and got his. She is making others happy still. Thank you for sharing a little bit of her with us.

  13. You don't know me, but I want you to know that I admire your strength and your beauty. Your tesimony of the gospel shines through in every post. Thank you for sharing a little bit of that with me.
    Enjoy your sweet little Peter, he is a beautiful blessing. You are all in my prayers over the next few weeks especially.

  14. I've never seen that video of Lucy before. Its perfect. She's perfect and so is Peter. You look very pretty in that picture too.

  15. Hi Molly!
    Thanks so much for calling me the other day. I myself am doing much better, but you put it best, take it "one day at a time." :)

    Spencer and I just watched your videos on this post and giggled. Lucy and Peter (toot and pooper) are so vibrant and beautiful! Thanks for sharing those little moments with us. I LOVE YOU!

  16. I have a baby boy just a week older than your Peter, so I do understand your life consumed with feeding, burping, swaddling, etc. However I can not imagine your grieving and missing; the sadness mixed with the joy. I am so sorry. You are truly inspiring. May you feel the thoughts and prayers of strangers over the next few weeks.

  17. Your journey is unbelievable. I'm in awe of your story and your resillience. Love and life and moments of understanding seem to be saturating your every thought.

    I'm proud of you. I love that someone like you exists and that a family like yours is here to shre your story with people like me.

  18. He is such a precious gift, enjoy every second of him. You look great too! A friend in East Texas, Pam

  19. Molly--

    A whole year? I can hardly believe it. As always your strength and ability to endure well are inspiring. You definitely have some tough times ahead...I'll keep you in my prayers.

  20. Miss Molly,
    he is so precious.

    I can relate to your milestones... I used to love Mother's Day and then I lost my Mother and I totally hate it. Could skip it entirely. My children get annoyed with my behavior.

    I just can't imagine losing a child. This tugs at my heart-strings more than anything.

    My grand-girl Madison was born the day your Little Lucy returned to heaven... and when I think of your loss it makes me so sad. I know we have the gospel... but it is the NOW that hurts.

    Hang in there. Hold tight to your hubby... strengthen each other.

    I learn from your beautiful example. Not that you had any plan of taking on that role... You would much rather have your little girl.


  21. Molly, I love you and think of you often!! I have something special in the works for little Peter- and yes, you will run and make quilts again! I told myself at 6 weeks after the baby was born that I could begin again. Spring and summer is a great time for beginnings. LOVE YOU!!!!

  22. You are beautiful, Molly. Truly. I barely know you, but love you. You are deep, like me, and I sometimes feel alone where so many tell me to "lighten up". I am light, when it's right for me. I look forward to see you, sometime in June? See you then.

  23. Congratulations on Peter's arrival! He is beautiful. And, by the way, way to go on the natural birth. You ALMOST inspire me to do it myself. Almost. I really am too chicken. Good job girl.

  24. Miss Molly...many will be thinking of YOU on May 22nd. You are an inspiration..

  25. I have been reading you blog for quite a while now(I am a friend of Brooke Olsen) and haven't left a comment yet, but I just wanted to say happy Mother's day. You are an amazing woman and Mother and reading your blog always touches me in so many ways. Thank you for sharing with so many. Happy Mother's day...congratulations on the sweet new life in your home.

  26. Every time I read your blog I find a new common thread with you. Loved your status update...I've often felt like doing a life swap...but I don't really want any one else's life, either...especially an albino midget's.

    Hoping you have a wonderful evening,

  27. all i have to say is... i had NONE of those 'anniversaries' ahead of me when i had Charlie and i STILL cried every day. i dont know how you do it. i admire you... you are such an amazing woman. i know you dont wish to be so amazing... but you are just the same.
    thanks for the videos.
    and thanks for the blog update... i think of you so often.

  28. My heart goes out to you with so much approaching. I am glad you have a friend who knew exactly what you needed. I wish I knew you so I could give you a hug! Good luck. Know that there are many who are sending you good Karma!

  29. Vic & Molly-
    We're thinking about you!
    Hope all is well... Peter is adorable! I can't wait to see him in person. We need to get together soon. Love, Rachel

  30. Molly~

    I can't look at pictures of your darling Peter without seeing Lucy. I have no doubt who he spent his time with while waiting to come to earth!

    Thank you for continuing to be so real and for sharing your journey. You and Vic are an inspiration to me!

  31. Those babies are too beautiful!!. Lucy is so stinkin' cute in the video. I love it. Praying for strength for you in the coming days.


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