I'm really at a loss for words lately.
I'm consumed with feeding, burping, swaddling, cuddling, kissing, lack of sleep-ing, marveling, diapering, wondering, grieving, missing.
Often, I find myself in tears. Depressed. Overwhelmed. The one year mark is approaching. The trees are blooming and birds loudly chirping (much to my chagrin at 5 in the morning)--all while my son sleeps noisily next to me day and night...mimicking my emotions. Up, down. Good, bad. Hopeful, helpless. Light and dark.
The signs of Spring are hopeful, yet simultaneously haunting. Soon, I will no longer be able to say, "At this time last year with Lucy..."
Sometimes we just hold him and cry. No words; just an unspoken understanding.
There is much to celebrate, much to anticipate, and much to deal with in the coming weeks.(Mother's Day, Vic's birthday, Lucy's "graduation" day, Our 5 yr. anniversary, Lucy's 3rd birthday, Father's Day...BAM!...) There are times I feel I'll crumble and the next day I feel very much alive and vibrant. On a crumbling day earlier this week I updated my Facebook status as follows:
"Molly is wondering if it's too late to trade in her life for a different one?"
I got many sympathetic and sweet comments from friends. But the one that hit the nail on the head read:
"Yes, I hear there is an opening for a life swap with an albino midget in Swaziland...interested?"
It made me chuckle--which is the medicine I'm in desperate need of. But it also made me realize (yet again) that my life isn't so bad. There are even times I think my life is wonderful. Two words come to mind--rich and full. Not easy. Not glamorous. But very full.
Wrong will be right,
When Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar,
sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth,
winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane,
we shall have Spring again.
(Thank you, Heidi!)
I read every comment, every email, appreciate every gift, every phone call, every text, every prayer. Many tender stories of similar suffering and enduring have been shared with me. You are not alone, WE are not alone. I think of you and pray for you and love you. Yes, YOU.
One day at a time. Right?