365 Days

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 4:06 PM




video

I miss Lucy. I wish that my life were not absent my little girl. Still, I have felt a sweet spirit this week - that life is good, that it is precious no matter how difficult. I have wondered why I have felt so this week, when my heart is reaching, yearning to bring back, to keep my "old" life. I think that people are praying for us. Thank you. I think that Lucy is keeping watch on us and that while she goes about her work to help others she is also waiting for the day when we can be together again. I listened to our recording of the funeral the other day; her life sketch. She did live a full life in the short time she had. I look forward to sharing more with her. It reminds me that we underestimate the value of our daily experiences. The mundane - eating, breathing, walking, our interactions with others. I promise that I will try to remember. I will do it for you Lucy. I want you to be proud of me. I will take care of Peter. I will tell him about you. I will do what I can to teach him about appreciating this life and living so that we can have eternal life. Come visit us. Help watch over us. I love you my sweet wonderful little girl.

--Lucy's Dad


I can't stop thinking about my final moments with my daughter. Laying on the hospital bed with her in my arms as the surgeon pumped the hand-held ventilator to keep her alive long enough to harvest her organs. I can't believe I had to let her go. I can't believe a human being could ever be capable of something like that. I have now survived 365 days since that horrific parting. Some days I have survived beautifully and gracefully, other days have been an ugly mess. But here we are.

I don't ask this sarcastically--but what is the hardest thing you've had to do?

I love you Lucy and I know that you know that. What a privilege to be your mother. I'm sorry I put off the remembering and the details of you this week--it was too painful. But today I will dive into your soul and let it shine through me. You will always be my booger baby.

--Lucy's Mom

  • Share:

You Might Also Like

64 Loving Lines

  1. You are in our minds and hearts today. If you can do it than maybe we will make it too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Beautiful words from both of you. Molly... I hope that is the hardest thing you ever have to do. You did it, you are doing it with dignity, strength and grace. You inspire many, and you touch many hearts. Lucys light is shining especially bright today... for you, her Daddy and her brother.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am weeping after watching that very touching video - God bless you & your family.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thinking of you today. Thank you for the blessing letting us all in to a corner of your lives this past year.

    ReplyDelete
  5. What a touching tribute to Lucy. You have been strong and valiant, and I have no doubt that Lucy is so proud of you. You are enduring the hardest thing a parent could EVER imagine, and you are touching countless lives, while you are going through it. I pray peace and comfort is with you today.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am praying for you today and this week. I appreciate you letting complete strangers into your life and your struggles. I wish you all the happiness with your new baby.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've been a lurker on your blog since I stumbled onto it several months ago. I have been thinking about you all week and crying for your loss. I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing your spirit and testimony with us through your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have only ever commented once before. I am a stranger who has been touched by your story and I check in often to see how you are doing. Today, I couldn't resist leaving a little note to let you know that someone out there is thinking of you today and wanting to somehow ease this pain you've been called to bear. May you have peace and comfort today in the knowledge of the gospel. I can't imagine what you are going through in losing a child, but know all too well, the pain that accompanies days such as these. Just know that I am so grateful for the opportunity to know your story. I have been truly touched and thank you for your example. Congratulations on little Peter, he is a lucky little guy to be part of your Eternal family. Thoughts and prayers for you all today!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Lucy was blessed to be born into a home full of love and opportunity. She is beautiful. What a blessing to have many memories captured of her sweet life. Thank you for sharing her light with so many!
    Loves!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Beautiful! Beautiful words, beautiful daughter, beautiful parents beautiful spirit. She is truly a mini Molly! Thanks you for sharing and my thoughts stay with you! A friend in East Texas, Pam.

    ReplyDelete
  11. How precious.

    Can you imagine having no photos or videos... that would just be awful.

    So glad you recorded these memories other than your mind so we could share and you will never forget.

    I know you miss her...

    ToOdLeS.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Those were precious notes to your sweet daughter. I have said it before, but you both are amazing. We love you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hello, I hope you don't mind I came across your blog. You are truely an inspiring family. It is amazing how someone can live through such a tragedy. Thanks for sharing your story and making me appriciate life and my little ones more. I know I don't know you, but you are amazing!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Some days I envy you. Your daughter has been made whole and lives with our Heavenly Father. Sure you miss her more than I could ever fathom, but how are you not thrilled that she is with our maker, our Lord, our eternal father?

    I have endured watching my son suffer daily living in the NICU, he went through more things that one adult would ever go through, and I am sure he had angels watching over him and am so very thankful. And watching your baby lay there on a table suffering when you can't even touch his hand? I am thankful for him being alive here with me to watch his spirt grow, but the second he gets sick those memories flood back like a title wave and I can't swim anymore.But how do we compare our trials? They are all different in all ways. Heavenly Father knows our plan, and he wants us to experience these trials to learn and grow so when we return to him we can provide our knowledge to help our brothers and sisters.

    You are such an inspiration to me. I posted private because I did not want to offend you in any way. I have been praying for your family, and your sweet peter that he may grow and make you proud.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Molly & Vic~

    I wish you didn't have this anniversary to mark.

    My heart just aches for you both when I reflect back on what you've gone through in this past year.

    You have faced this with such courage, grace and faith.

    You have touched my life and reminded me to treasure every moment, to have faith and to believe in a plan.

    With many watching and supporting (both known, and like me, unknown), you have turned your personal darkness into light.

    Thank you for sharing your Lucy, your light, with me.

    Sending you my sincerest wishes for your peace and comfort today.
    <3

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have been thinking of you and your family all day today. I don't even know you, but I have been following your blog and my heart aches for you today. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers.....

    ReplyDelete
  17. Dear sweet Molly and Vic,
    I think of you constantly. What beautiful letters to your sweet Lucy. I hope you feel comfort today.

    Lots of Love,
    Julie

    ReplyDelete
  18. I just wanted to Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I can not even imagine what you have been through and won't pretend that I have, but from you I have gained a greater appreciation for my own children. I have a daughter that is just 2 weeks older then Lucy and I can not imagine life without her. I try to remember when I get frustrated how precious life is and that she an amazing gift given to me to raise and that you never know when that will be given back to our Heavenly Father so Thank you for making me take a step back every day and realize what is really important. My prayers are with you!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm weeping and wishing so much this burden could be relieved from you. It is a much more tragic thing than ANYONE should ever go through. I don't know if it is because you are such sweet, beautiful people that makes it so much more tragic? Or that Lucy was such a sweet, funny larger than life little spirit. Now she really is so much Larger than THIS life and I'll remember her this day- her day of advancing into a more heavenly existence-where there is no life support, no goodbyes and no tears, a place where you and your sweet husband and baby Peter can laugh and dance and love someday. I hope prayers and the love of others and snuggles from your sweet sweet Peter, can sustain you until that WONDERFUL reunion with little Lucy, there is no doubt she will JUMP right into your aching arms right where she belongs.
    -I love you Molly and the time I shared with you at your house I will always treasure as sacred moments in my life.
    Thanks for sharing yourself so graciously and I am most thankful for you sharing HER, With us

    In answer to your question the truly hardest thing I've ever done, that seems so small in comparison to your trials. Was 9 years ago being a scared teenager facing the decision of becoming a mother long before I had planned, the questions-tears-regret-joy.

    Not a time I would ever want to go back to.

    I LOVE YOU
    PS-I have listened to your CD today and thinking how Lucky Lucy is to have such sweet Lullabies, I can feel your love for her in your beautiful voice, and it is a lovely soundtrack for such a day as this.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have been following your blog for the past year after stumbling upon it. You have given me a precious gift with sharing the story and grief of losing your little girl. You have brought tears to my eyes many times through your posts. I pray for you and your family. May the pain lessen and the memories become sweeter. She was a cute (is a cute) little girl with a sweet spirit. She was lucky to have you as parents as is your brand new son. Good luck with the future and what it may bring.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I am praying for you today and this week and always. I appreciate you sharing your life and your struggles. You both are amazing strong parents. Bless you always and forever.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I Love you Molly & Vic! You two are such an inspiration to me and to so many others. You are beautiful, strong, faithful and shine despite the trial you are faced with. Even amongst your sorrow you shine like a bright star.

    You asked what the hardest thing that I have had to go through, for me, It's obviously losing James, the guilt that accompanied it. I have told Joe that losing James was my trial, me losing James was Joe's trial. It's been harder for Joe to see my pain and not be able to fix it than to actually have lost James. Not that that wasn't hard, it's just been so hard on him seeing me hurt like I do.

    I think what's been the hardest is that I feel like I didn't just lose James, I lost myself. I lost who I was, my easy going, care free, happy spirited person flew away the day James died. It's been so hard accepting myself as the new me. Sometimes I hate the new me, the hurt me, the scarred me.

    I miss James. I miss being friends with the old me.

    Lots of love Molly & Vic. You are in my thoughts are prayers always, but even more today.
    Love,
    Michelle
    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  23. I have been thinking and praying for you guys today especially. You both wrote such sweet notes about and to Lucy. What a darling girl you have. I loved all the beautiful pictures of you guys together. What a special family you are!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thinking of you and your sweet Lucy today. I know Heavens angels are with you today, Especially Lucy.
    Love Ya,
    Jen
    (Angel Kamber's Mommy)

    ReplyDelete
  25. We've never met, but I frequent your blog....it has made me become a better wife & mother. My heart goes out to you today. Your children are beautiful.

    Much love,
    Becca

    ReplyDelete
  26. You inspire me. My prayers are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I had been thinking of things to say, but now that the day--Lucy's Day--has arrived, I find words alone do not suffice. For now let me just say how much I still care. Lucy lives on in so many ways, and know that in my heart is one.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Molly & Vic, such an inspirational story. Your lives and the life of Lucy have touched me dearly and brought back the memories of my own daughter that passed. I too am sorry for your loss. Lucy sounds like a precious and beautiful daughter of God.

    Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with all three of you, Molly, Vic, and Peter. May our Heavenly Father bless you in many countless ways for raising such a beautiful girl and for staying strong through this trial.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Just want you to know that Lucy has inspired me, a stranger, to live fully and with great spirit, as she so clearly did. I have no doubt she has changed countless other lives, both of people you know and people you'll never meet. You must be so very proud of her.

    May love and peace surround you today.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I never have anything profound to say, but I always like you to know that I think of you. I love your blog, I love your thoughts, and I love Lucy!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Wow, what a comment above from Joe. This whole experience has opened my eyes to the depth people feel in behalf of others. I think that cuts deeper than any pain we would have to deal with that happened to us.

    We love you guys and have been thinking about you ALL WEEK. I've been running through my head each day the events that happened - This is when we first heard about the choking, this is when Jenny called us to tell us she was going up, this is when we arrived at the hospital and saw Lucy, this is when we were all gathered together in that room telling of our memories, and so on. It's so heartbreaking. Vic and Molly I think of your hearts kind of in the shape of ancient tree roots when they've become all mangled and twisted dealing with the ground underneath them. You know those kind of trees deep in forests where the roots are exposed? They have to adapt and live on so they mold around the things around them. This past year has been unreal, but your hearts have molded around it, you will never forget her or the pain you've had, and will be forever in that shape because of it.

    I'm so glad you guys have felt a sweet spirit this week. I can only imagine how many prayers were sent up for you to feel that very thing.

    ReplyDelete
  32. My heart and soul and prayers go to you this week and all others that are difficult.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Molly and Vic....
    thank you for your honesty in sharing your story. I have lost two children...something parents should never have to do. My heart aches for you in a way that only a parent who also stood where you stand. Thank goodness for a loving Heavenly Father and a Plan for Eternal Life. Again thank you and my prayers are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Sending our love your way. May you feel the Savior's light in your lives.
    Dorothea

    ReplyDelete
  35. You don't know me, but I have been following your blog for almost a year now, and I have left a few comments, but I wanted to make sure to let you know that I was thinking about your family today and about Lucy. I am friends with Carrie F. who you worked with at B&G Club, and I feel like even though I don't know you, I have learned so much from you and you have really impacted my life, and I want to thank you for that. I have two children and I am always trying my hardest not to take my time with them for granted. Did you hear Elder Scott's conference talk this past April? He lost two young children within 6 weeks, and he comforted his wife by reminding her the blessing they recieve by having their children born in the covenant. He also said..."Now we have even more reason to live Well!" Isn't that true!? Lucy is in Heaven, she is with our heavenly father! When our children die so young, it is now up to us to keep our end of the bargain to make sure we will be able to return to live with them. What a great reason to live the gospel!! If you get a chance, you should really read the talk in the Ensign. (Pg 45 I believe). Thanks again for being so willing to share with us! And your little guy is just as cute as can be and getting so big!!

    Love,
    Brittany Bennett

    ReplyDelete
  36. You know, as I watched the slide show again and saw that picture of Lucy and your Grandpa Hope reading a story, I can't help but wonder if they've shared similar moments recently.

    I love you, Molly, Vic, Lucy, Peter,
    jj

    ReplyDelete
  37. I am thinking about you Molly and Vic. I have been at this for 355 days. Almost made it a year. I can't believe it. Sometimes it feels like forever, but it seems like just yesterday. I love you!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Thank you for your sweet reminders of how fragile life is! I thought of you and your sweet Lucy today! I now you do not know me, but i have been touched by your sweet family! Lucy was and is so very beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  39. My thoughts and prayers are with you today. oh my goodness, a whole year already? I too am so sorry for this anniversary, although I know there have been great lessons for you along the way. Some lessons you just don't want to have to learn.
    Honestly, I think anything I've had to struggle with pales in comparison, I just can't imagine.

    ReplyDelete
  40. The sweetest post and tribute to your baby girl. I started reading your blog the day Leslie posted about Lucy on her blog. She asked for prayers. I think I started praying then...and haven't stopped since. I look up to you to two, and find my faith strengthened by your ability to continue on through this trial in your lives. I hope Lucy with be friends with Lauren & Hallie in the next life because I have a tender spot for her in my heart. I am so glad there has been some peace for you this week, and hope it continues on.

    ReplyDelete
  41. A couple of thoughts:

    1) How consistently awesome Vic is. I mean, deep down I know he's awesome, so I almost take it for granted. Then when I read something like this, I'm like, Oh yeah -- that Vic's still pretty awesome!

    2. I think May 22nd is always going to be a hard day for the both of you.

    3. The hardest thing I've experienced involves my father. A couple of years ago he sent me a card for Christmas that said, "I've decided to withdraw from your life." We haven't spoken since. I've had to come to the realization that I will never have the kind of father/daughter relationship I really wanted as a kid, but I've been able to move on and be okay. (In all sincerity, I think your loss of Lucy would be much more devastating so my situation doesn't really compare.)

    ReplyDelete
  42. What a difficult anniversary to mark, but what a beautiful journey you have taken through a dark forest you never wanted to enter. Fortunately, there have been many beams of light shining through from above the treetops, illuminating your way (and ours). I thank you for sharing them...and your courage...with us. From the comments I've read here, I am not the only one who is the better for it.

    And still, how I wish you'd never had to make the journey.

    Much love to all of you.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I will never forget how my outlook on life and motherhood changed the day I heard about Lucy's accident. And the way that my love for you changed forever. I have been blessed to see you through different eyes and have such a tender spot for you and your family in my heart. I remember clinging to the computer those couple of days waiting for an answer on what the outcome would be for Lucy and the moment I saw her obituary on your blog, my heart skipped several beats. It just couldn't be. Could it?

    I have tremendous adoration for you and Vic and they way that you have been able to express the good and the bad throughout this last year. I am so proud of you guys and the example you are setting for the world through your blog of your firm faith and testimonies. I hope you also know that I still feel the weight of your loss, and will never forget you or Lucy. Be well, my dear friend. I love you.

    Leslie Hurst

    ReplyDelete
  44. I was told of your story just a week or so ago from my childhood on up friend, Tabitha Powondra. Words can't even begin to express how deeply touched I have been by your loss, all of your posts, experiences, and recent joy. I have sat on my couch sobbing for hours contemplating what it must be like to go through such a devasating event. I am forever changed.

    My son, who is only a couple weeks older than Lucy, is a huge, huge challenge in my life. Because of your story I now feel the need to speak softer, sing to him more, talk to him more, play with him more, hold him longer, and soak up every little minute I have. I am so grateful for your willingness to share, as it has completely changed my outlook on parenting and will bless the lives of my son and future children. Thank you beyond words.

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I pray for peace for your family. The day you are all reunited will be absolutely beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  45. Molly you and your husband are truly strong to be able to handle this great trial. I don't feel that I ever could. You are like a pioneer woman that lost a child. I am glad that you both are able to experience some peaceful momemts. Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  46. " 'I suppose every Mormon [man and] woman [have] measured [themselves] at one time or another against [their pioneer ancestors],' wrote Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. 'Am I as stalwart? As self-reliant? As devoted to the gospel? As willing to sacrifice?' Could I leave my wife and children without food or means to support themselves while I responded to a call to serve a mission abroad, or take these same innocent ones, dependent solely upon me for their survival, into hostile territory to set up housekeeping and provide a livelihood for them? Or, were I a woman, 'Could I crush my best china to add glitter to a temple, bid loving farewell to a missionary husband as I lay in a wagon bed with fever and chills, leave all that I possessed and walk across the plains to an arid wilderness?' (Ensign, June 1978, p. 54.)"Some may feel that their lives of relative ease and convenience lack the vigor and fortitude of those who survived the pioneer days, that they can never measure up to the toil, struggles, and challenges our pioneer ancestors faced and emerge the victor."Yet, 'Our challenges are just as important as those of the past. Our testing is as crucial; our contributions may be as great. . . ." 'An essential quality of the first pioneers was optimism, an ability to see new possibilities in a strange and unsettling environment. To beautify the desert, they needed faith in God, but they also needed faith in themselves and in their ability to help shape the world. The need for that faith has not diminished. . . ." 'A pioneer is not [necessarily] a woman who makes her own soap' or a man who grubs sagebrush from the land. Pioneers are those who take up their burdens and walk toward the future. With vision and with courage they make the desert blossom and they press on toward new frontiers. (Ibid., p. 55.)"
    David B. Haight

    -you are a pioneer! thanks for giving me inspiring things to read!

    ReplyDelete
  47. My heart has been with you this week. Sending lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Losing my own child was the hardest thing for me, but he died before he was born, and I never knew him like you knew Lucy. It's not the same...You have endured so much that it almost seems miraculous that you've survived a year, not to mention welcomed Peter into your life. Heavenly Father is certainly blessing all of you!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Thank you for your example and your honesty. I hope the joy of your new baby has made this time of year just a little bit less painful.

    You asked what the hardest thing I have had to go through is... I grew up with a father who drank a lot and a mother who was unable to love very well. That really was not as hard as it has been, to change myself and undo the learned bad behavior. I have had to learn on my own how to be a parent, be the one that I wanted so badly. I have a very hard time being loved or being good about showing love. I'm so thank full for a loving Heavenly Father who has shown me how to love my self and those around me. It is a daily struggle that I fail at some times, but I just pick myself back up again and start over. If we do not fail, how will we know the glory of achieving!! If we do not have pain, we will not know the glory of happiness.

    P. family

    ReplyDelete
  50. Molly what a sweet little girl you have. And that video was really neat. You are in our prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Molly
    You actually do not know me, but it is strange because through your blog,your heart breaking story, through many prayers and many tears I feel as though I know you. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little girl. A couple of years ago my sister lost 2 children, and laying those babies to rest was the hardest thing my family has ever had to do. This past week a dear friend of mine lost her son. And in search for words of peace my sister gave me the following quote, which i believe is from the book "Mormon Doctrine."

    In recording a glorious vision of the celestial kingdom, received January 21, 1836, the Prophet included this statement: "And I also beheld that all children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability, are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven." (Teachings, p. 107.) The Prophet also taught: "The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.... All children are redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ, and the moment that children leave this world, they are taken to the bosom of Abraham. The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from the miserable wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope." (Teachings, pp. 196-197.)

    Not only will little children be saved in the celestial kingdom of God, but they will be heirs of exaltation in that kingdom. (Doctrines of Salvation, vol. 2, pp. 49-57.) On this point the Prophet said: "They will there enjoy the fullness of that light, glory and intelligence, which is prepared in the celestial kingdom." (Teachings, p. 200.) To inherit the fullness is to have exaltation.

    May this quote give you peace and comfort as it has to our family.

    ReplyDelete
  52. :(

    I don't know you and I never knew Lucy. Yet, as I watched Lucy's video, I didn't want it to end and I have tears streaming down my face.

    Your little girl is in the hearts of many, all over the world. She will never ever be forgotten.

    V xx

    ReplyDelete
  53. I am another person that you don't know. Everytime I read your blog, I cry. And everytime I thank God that I have 2 children that are still very much here. What a precious gift our children are to us. Being a mother has made me a better person. I have lost a brother and that was very hard but to loose a child would be devestating, I don't know if I could be strong enough. I think you should write a book, your words are beautiful and inspiring. Keep smiling. You are beautiful inside and out.

    ReplyDelete
  54. I miss you lucy! I still think about you all the time!

    ReplyDelete
  55. I am in tears reading your recent posts. I knew the year mark was coming and have been thinking about you. I wish we could meet and walk and talk in person. Our lives feel so similar. Uuuugh so many emotions. You have so many things going on all at once. Hang in there. I remember so many nursing sessions with Josh just showering him in my grief ....missing his brother and loving him so much all at the same time. YOu are doing amazingly. hang in there. Love to you, Cassi

    ReplyDelete
  56. Thinking of you at this time and sending much love your way.
    Take care ~ love and hugs Tabitha X

    ReplyDelete
  57. What a perfect girl. And what wonderful parents she has. Thank you for your strength. And hope you feel your Lucy near for while, these next days. Praying for you

    Michelle
    Gavin's Mom

    ReplyDelete
  58. What a beautiful way to honor your life with Lucy. I have been touched by your words, your courage and the way you have lived this 365 days. I have learned from your words. This has made my life better. I am grateful for the courage it has taken to share your story. I will also try to remember to not to forget to love the small things like breathing and the joy of living life. God bless your family.

    ReplyDelete
  59. What a great video...the peanut butter...the powder. How wonderful to have her voice.

    ReplyDelete
  60. I finally had a moment to sit down and watch this amazing video. Thank you so much for sharing your sweet Lucy. I love all the many incredible pictures you have and the great video's of her sweet voice, and her darling personality. I loved the peanut butter and powder. I'm so sorry you have had to endure such an anniversary. Know that I've thought of you and continue to think of you as her birthday is approaching. Sending my love your way. Lucy is so very lucky to have such amazing parents as each of you.
    Love,
    Andrea
    Wyatt's mommy

    ReplyDelete