Easter Miracles

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 10:29 AM




To my son -Peter William Jackson,

The day you came into this world was an interesting one. Things didn't happen like daddy and I expected. You will learn that most of life is this way. I'm still trying to accept this myself. It is difficult to let things be the way they are when you so wish they could be different. But I have a feeling, that in the end, things end up just as they should. It's called faith. And enduring cheerfully to the end. It isn't easy. But I try.

Around 6 a.m. on the morning of April 8th, as I lay in bed next to daddy, I felt a trickle of something run down my leg. Trying not to hope too much that today was the day I would meet you, (and that my water was breaking), I got out of bed to investigate. Moments later I felt another trickle. Could it be? I woke up daddy and he agreed that something was indeed happening. I sent a message to your Nana and Aunt Amy right away. My water broke! Peter is coming! I was so excited and anxious to start feeling the pain that would bring you into the world and into my arms. I was ready to work and labor my way through---I wanted to feel purpose. I knew the pain would bring you here.

But nothing happened. We walked and walked and trickled and leaked...and still nothing happened. We ate and napped and waited and waited. Step aerobics?--check. Breast pump?--check. By 2:30 the midwife said we had to go to the hospital. By 3:30 I was lying in a hospital bed anxiously awaiting for my contractions to start. I have a feeling you didn't want to say goodbye to your sister, Lucy. I had dialated to a 5 already but was still feeling no pain. We bounced on the birthing ball, daddy read to me (we are re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia. I know you will love these books.) We rested and called family--but we were starting to get very anxious.

By 6:30 pm they said it was time to start pitocin. I was a little nervous that I wouldn't be able to handle the pain with such a strong drug--but I had faith...and I was so anxious to meet you. They started me on the lowest dose and nothing happened. At 7 they upped it more--still nothing. 7 thirty--a higher dose. WHERE ARE YOU PETER? 8 o'clock--an even higher dose.

And now for a confession. We turned on the TV my son. Mommy was so bored. We watched a show that will probably be long gone by the time you are old enough to read this--American Idol. Please forgive me. And don't tell anyone. I wanted this to be a very sacred and special experience. We wanted to feel the presence of your sweet sister, along with your incredible spirit straight from our Heavenly Home--and American Idol was not the most conducive medium for such an experience. But it passed the time and kept my mind occupied. Mommy always wanted to be on that show, but now I'm too old. My dreams lie with my children.

The pitocin was turned up one last time and the second we turned off the television at 9 p.m. I finally felt some pain worth talking about. It was so exciting and gave us so much hope. Daddy rushed to my side and I rested on him for a few good contractions. They had me crawl back into bed a while later and said I was almost to a 7. At this point the pain really kicked in. Mommy was scared for a little while. But daddy held my hand and talked me through it all. The midwife came back in and helped daddy coach me. I asked for an epidural at one point and daddy gently reminded me that I would heal so much better without it. That a natural birth is something I've been wanting for a long time. I was so tired I just gave up at this point---but in a good way. I just surrendered. I just breathed deep through each contraction, closed my eyes and didn't say a word. I was welcoming the pain in order to welcome you into our lives. I started sweating, then shaking, but all the while I was focused on your daddy, on you, and on our angel Lucy.

What seemed like moments later, I felt the urge to push. The midwife reminded me that I could talk if I wanted to--but I had nothing to say--and no energy to say it with. So I did what she said and started moaning. It was the best advice in that moment. It took me a bit to get your head out, but by this point I knew you were minutes away from my arms. I was receiving strength beyond my own. When your little body was entirely out, it was the most empowering feeling I have ever had in my life. I had done it. I had achieved my goal. I made it through the awful pain and in an instant it was all forgotten. You were there, you were mine. I have never been more proud of myself. This is how I hope to feel when your sister is in my arms again. So much pain endured, so much grit and suffering and waiting and wondering--all to be forgotten in an instant. And hopefully I'll be told, "Well done."

Unfortunately, the cord was around your neck as you came out. They cut it quickly, suctioned you, and started stimulating you. I just closed my eyes and prayed as fervently and intensely as I had the moment your sister started choking. When you finally let out a cry--so did your daddy and I. It was as beautiful as the last time I heard Lucy's laugh. Our hearts broke all over again--but this time in a different way.

The nurse and midwife praised me. I was on such a high. Your daddy and I aren't perfect, but we make a perfect team. I turned to daddy, and with a sudden realization and feeling of empowerment and capability, I said through my tears--" I am capable of hard things."

I am capable of hard things. And so are you. This life won't always give you what you expect and what you want. But there will be moments of sheer joy and moments of accomplishment after much working and waiting that will whisper to you that there is always hope.

We now have two Easter miracles. The incredible miracle that Christ died and was resurrected so that we will all live again. And the miracle of your birth son, just three days before Easter, reminding your daddy and I that we too, can live fully again in this life--with hope and love and moments of peace after the storm. Thank you for bringing new life into our hearts again. You are a perfect little baby. Exactly what Heavenly Father knew we needed. So sweet. So soft. So tender and quiet. You look so much like your sister. I have a feeling she instructed you well and told you to be gentle to us.

I love you, Son. I will try to be the best mother I can for you. Welcome, welcome to this wonderful world. You are truly a miracle.




Daddy painted my toes bright pink so I could think of Lucy while I was in labor.
I have no doubt she was standing right beside daddy helping him as he helped me.

Here at last

Getting ready to leave the hospital...

The sweetest gift under Lucy's tree.





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72 Loving Lines

  1. It truly sounds as if your little Lucy and the Savior were right there watching over you and your son. I am so glad for you and your family that all went well. I know that he can never replace Lucy but hopefully knowing he was just with her and our Heavenly Father will continue to bring comfort to you. You are an amazing woman and a great example as well. Congratulations!!

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  2. Molly,
    the tears are flowing once again. Thank you for sharing your beautiful birthing experience. I'm so happy for you that you managed to go naturally like you wanted to. I, too, have an Easter baby boy and love it. I think Easter is all the beautiful things that you wrote about and so it is wonderful to celebrate life during that time, too.
    All my best,
    Dorothea

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  3. Dear, sweet Molly. Congratulations! What a sweet, beautiful, perfect baby. My heart is full for you, and once again my eyes are wet as I read of your emotions, struggles, and triumphs. Thank you for letting us live and learn through your experiences. Much love.
    Bronwyn

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  4. How beautiful! I don't think I've ever read a post from you where I haven't shed some tears. This time, it is from pure happiness for you. I'm so glad you were able to endure your natural labor. I am sure the heaven's opened as Peter entered this world. Lucy must be so proud of her Mommy, Daddy, and little brother. I love that you kept Lucy's tree up. And you are right, he is the sweetest gift. I am sure you have been on a 'high' because of your amazing, and spiritual week and I hope that things are still well with you. Congratulations again!

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  5. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us ~ Peter is just wonderful!
    I love that you had your toe nails painted pink ~ and I am sure Lucy was right there with you on that day.
    The photos of your precious boy are just beautiful.
    Many congratulation ~
    Sending love and big hugs Tabitha XX

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  6. Tears. Of happiness. For your family.

    Whenever you want a blog spruce to add baby Peter, say the word and it's done.

    He's a treasure, and so is your story of his arrival!

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  7. I am weaping. Tears of joy and thanks that your little Peter is finally here with you. May you be lifted and blessed as you embrace this new little life.

    love,
    Heidi

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  8. That was beautiful!! My little man turned 1 on April 8th. It's truly a great day to be born.

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  9. Congratulations on your beautiful new baby boy. Here is to many years of happiness to come.

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  10. Speechless......Beautiful, hope, happiness.

    Congrats, you are an amazing women and mother.

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  11. Molly Noooooo.

    I am so happy for you on the delivery of little Pete. What a great addition he will be to the Jackson Family.

    All my love-

    Rob

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  12. Although we have never met in person...I am SO proud of you! :) You've been through a tragedy that would send many into seclusion and bitterness.

    The life that you choose to live in celebration of Lucy is something that only a very special woman would be able to endure. And now another MIRACLE!!

    Congratulations from the bottom of my heart. You will both be amazing parents to your second child and I know that Lucy is watching over you all with a giant smile!

    Hugs - Kristine & Katie

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  13. Oh, Molly...as a natural-birth mama and after being a doula at my friend's very long, very similar second birth 8 weeks ago, I am amazed at the incredible job you did. You are now only the third woman I know of who has done birth on pitocin without an epidural - an unbelievable accomplishment! I'm due in 8 weeks and will keep thinking about your story when I start to feel nervous about the process - even though I've done it once before, I feel anxious sometimes, wanting it to be "just so," as good as my first's birth. Anyway. Bravo. And congrats!

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  14. Thank you for sharing that sacred experience. I am so happy for you and Vic. He is beautiful. Congrats again.

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  15. It gives me chills and warms my heart to read this sweet letter to your beautiful son. And you are my HERO! I didn't know you had Pitocin - there is no pain like Pitocin and I hope one day you'll get to experience labor without it- it's COMPLETELY different.
    I sent something in the mail for your little Peter since I wasn't able to make it to the shower. Hopefully it will get there soon. Love you guys.

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  16. Congratulations and thank you for being so open with your thoughts and feelings, you are truly an inspiration to so many mothers who have never even met you. I am so happy for you, he is beautiful.

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  17. Thank you for sharing such a tender and personal experience with us....it was so beautiful. I am so grateful for the new joy that has come in to your lives, this new chapter to your story. I look forward to many more post about Peter...and Lucy.

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  18. Yes, I am crying too... such a beautiful letter for your little Peter... He is gorgeous and I think he looks so much like Lucy in the little brother shirt ...
    Congrats congrats congrats !!!

    LaDawn

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  19. Miss Molly,
    You have such a way with words. Reading your words is like picking up a novel that is to good to put down. My eyes are drawn to the words.

    I have done the pitocin. So I know how that feels. I also had 4 babies without epidurals. I can honestly say that I have been jealous watching those with epidurals in less pain than I.

    ToOdLeS.ShEiLa

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  20. What a beautiful little boy, Molly. Congratulations, I know that you will enjoy his special spirit each day.

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  21. I don't even know you, but I'm crying. Your birth story was so touching. You explained the miracle of natural childbirth in such beautiful words.

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  22. 5 centimeters with no pain? Girl, you were BORN to give birth. What a story. I am so impressed that you were able to go natural with pitocin. I don't know if I could do that. But I know what you mean about how natural birth makes you feel so strong...and boosts our confidence that we CAN do hard things. And what a beautiful connection to holding Lucy again. I hadn't thought of that--after all the pain and contractions and labor of this life without her, it will finally one day be all over and all better. So beautiful.

    Congratulations :)

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  23. Thanks for sharing your birthing experience Molly. You are truly amazing.
    Enjoy little Peter you sweet girl.

    Suzanne

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  24. Congratulations! I feel that death and birth are the two ways that the veil in thin and they seem to be both such spiritual experiences! Good job pushing through, that pit is nasty, but having a baby naturally is a wonderful accomplishment and rewarding as well. One of my biggest fears as a parent is that I will not teach them well enough to have a strong testimony to carry them through lifes storms and evils in this world. You are an inspiration to pushing foward with the gospel. Thank you, Julienne

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  25. Beautiful baby - beautiful words...Congratulations!

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  26. My first son was delivered very like yours. First the water broke, then I didn't go into labor, then they had to administer pitocin, then I went ahead with my natural childbirth plan anyway (which I have never regretted, painful as it was!), and then he came out with the cord wrapped around his neck and took a little work to "get going." But he ended up doing great, like Peter, and has been a wonderful son ever since. He is now 33 years old and has three children of his own. What joy is ahead of you, Molly, and boy...do you and Vic deserve it!

    Your little guy is absolutely beautiful. And I am very, VERY happy for you.

    =)

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  27. What a lucky little boy to have you both as parents.

    He is simply gorgeous.

    x

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  28. first of all, congrats!

    2nd...you are the most inspiring person. I love you, and I don't know you.

    thank you for sharing your most sacred thoughts and experiences.

    Von

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  29. I am truly truly happy for you guys! Congratulations! Joy to you all!!!

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  30. What a beautiful letter to sweet Peter! You are amazing and strong and such a woman of faith!!!

    Luv ya!

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  31. You are an amazing woman! We love you and your family so much and think of you often. Congrats on your newborn baby Peter. He's beautiful!

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  32. That was awesome Molly. So amazing. The whole labor/birth was a gift from beginning to end and it's yours to cherish forever. I'm so happy for you.

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  33. So glad he's here! Congrats on the birth you worked so hard for. Thanks for sharing with us. Enjoy your new little boy.

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  34. Miss Molly,

    Thank you for that letter. I am a cousin of Jessica Bean and have followed your blog weekly since Lucy's accident.

    I am a mother of two little girls and feel so grateful for them. Often times the world takes us away for the important things of life. Many times when I need to refocus I come to your blog. Through you I have I learned to appreciate my husband and my girls more. You have helped me to have greater faith an greater love. Thank you again for sharing so many inspiring moments.

    You are an amazing woman. mother and wife!

    Love
    Shanny Pilcher

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  35. OH MY...he looks just like his sister, it is amazing! I choked back the tears, as usual, while reading the story of Peter's birth. Way to go Molly and Vic. You ARE capable of hard things. I hope this new baby brings the sweet reminder of how wonderful life can be. XOXO

    Leslie Hurst

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  36. congratulations on the arrival of your latest miracle.

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  37. You are a wonderful, strong, woman-and though I don't know you...you continue to touch my heart. Congratulations on your handsome son and a job well done!

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  38. What a beautiful and amazing letter to sweet Peter. It is such a sacred and memorable experience to have a child, and I know that Lucy must have been really close to you at that time. Vic and Molly you amaze me, whenever I read your blog I am overcome with the spirit so much. Congratulations to you both.

    LOVES,
    Julie

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  39. It's amazing to me how much I can care about someone I have never met and only know because I intrude on their blog.

    I'm very happy for you. Peter is beautiful. I also had a baby recently (Saturday, actually) and although my experience was very different, I also had the thought many times "I can do hard things". Life is hard. You are an example to me of strength and courage. Thank you for sharing your life with strangers.

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  40. That was so beautiful.
    Love Denine
    Angel Tanner's mom.

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  41. I'm very proud of you Molly. I'm glad to have Peter here now too. I'm glad I get to hold him. Love you guys.

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  42. Beautifully written and congratulations! He is perfect and beautiful.....now enjoy your son.....I know Lucy is so proud of you! A friend in East Texas, Pam.

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  43. I've never commented before, but have been following your journey, and quietly rooting for you, for months. Peter is beautiful. The moment I saw his picture the phrase "old soul" popped into my head--you can see wisdom and depth in his face. So, so, so happy for you. Lucky baby, lucky parents.

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  44. He is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing your experience and the way in which it relates to what you've been going through and what you will continue to go through. You are strong enough to endure hard things.

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  45. I have such emotions reading this!! I am so happy for you both. And I am so happy that Peter made it here safe! What a lovely little boy he is!!

    Michelle
    Gavin's Mom

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  46. what a sweet experience, and to naturally welcome him into this world!!! Not an easy task, but I agree, SO worth it!
    May he be blessed, and may you often be reminded of the positive and determined feelings you so clearly felt as you wrote this. May you realize that you ARE worth happiness, and ARE encouraged to live your life to the best and fullest.
    All all ALL our love!

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  47. That is the best quote ever! "I am capable of hard things" by Molly Jackson. I am putting it in my quote book right now! The outfit is adorable! Just perfect in every way. He is adorable! I am so happy for you! You deserve everything!

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  48. Vic and Molly! Congratulations! I'm so happy for the two of you and this new addition to your beautiful family. Thanks for sharing your birthing experience and your strength! Love you both...actually all 4 of you!

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  49. Congratulations! It is a wonderful experience! I had my first one wih cesarian so with the second one I wanted to have "the full experience". and i was! I refused the epidural too, and I´m glad I did. You can "enjoy" it so much and your body is so miraculously made that you are capable of DOING EVERYTHING. I´m happy for you and enjoy your little Peter Pan! Lots of kisses and hugs (in Spain we kiss alot!)

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  50. Stranger here - that is so beautiful. Thank you for inspiring me today.

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  51. That was beautifully written! You guys are amazing people and this little guy is lucky to have you both as parents

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  52. Oh Molly, he's perfect. I really love reading your posts because they always seem to put my own life into perspective. I can honestly say I've always thought you "natural child birth" people were all nuts, until I read of your experience. For the first time I actually could understand the purpose of it all. I hope I can be as brave as you in my trials that lie ahead. You are truly an inspiration to me.

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  53. He is beautiful. Your story is neat as well. I love the picture under Lucy's tree.

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  54. tears...happy happy tears:) You are so amazing and I think it is beautiful how your spirit and soul took over your body to allow the natural child birth to happen. Baby Peter is so precious & I loved the pink toenail idea too:)

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  55. He is so beautiful and so are you. A woman is never so beautiful as she is the moment she first holds her baby. What a miracle!
    Congratulations!!

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  56. Natural birth!?!? Oh Molly. Wow...you made it to a 7 without pain? I feel in awe of your strength. I was crying at a 2.5 ;)

    His is wonderful. You guys deserve this sweet time with Peter. We are thinking of you and praying for you still.

    Love MIndy and Mike and Jack

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  57. I give birth to tears each time I read your lovely blog. I am so thrilled to hear the beautiful birth story of Peter. You DID IT Molly & Vic! We are so happy for you.

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  58. Peter is such a beautiful baby. I loved hearing your story and I'm so amazed by you with your ability to do it naturally. That picture of him under Lucy's tree is beautiful. We would love to come see you some time this week if you feel up to visitors.

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  59. He is soooo beautiful, him and Ethan are going to have to be buddies. They are only a couple of months apart. I love you Molly way to go!

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  60. I have found your blog through another one. Thank you for sharing this.

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  61. Congrats to both of you on your new arrival. Thats really exciting!! Jennille is due August 6th. We're having a girl.

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  62. Hugs Molly and Vic...he is soooo cute my Molly you sure had a time of it...you should be very proud of yourself..Wanting the best for you and happiness always.
    Linda

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  63. Molly- I am so proud of you! You are so strong and inspiring...I'm so happy that all is well.
    Kirk and I think of YOU and VIC often...We need to get together soon. And you better come visit us in New York!
    Good luck with Peter. He's adorable and so are you.
    Love, Rachel

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  64. Hope you don't mind me blog stalking you:) I find you blog so touching! I wish I could write as beautifully as you. I just had a baby 2 months ago. This post brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me so much of my own delivery. I'm so happy you were able to experience a natural delivery. It's the most spiritual, empowering thing I've ever done. Congrats on Baby Peter!

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  65. Oh my gosh. I missed the train.
    Oh, congratulations Miss Molly and Vic. I'm so very happy for you. What a beautiful post, as usual. I always finish reading your posts in tears. So beatiful. I absolutely believe sweet Lucy was right there, with you guys. All my best to your beautiful family.

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  66. Thank you for sharing this incredible post! It was BEAUTIFUL!

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  67. You are amazing- once again! You sure do know how to make me cry :) thanks for your sweet words. It seems like I always 'follow' your blog on a day when I need it- thanks for being an inspiration to people you don't even know. You and your beautiful family will never be forgotten. You have changed my life and for this I feel I owe you something... kind of crazy I know, but it is the truth. Thank you forever- Nikki

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  68. Congratulations on your new beautiful baby boy. I had not read your blog until today. You don't know me but I was in the PICU with my baby girl when you were there with your sweet Lucy. I remember seeing you and hearing of Lucy's tragic accident. I also remember hearing the voices of some very talented ladies singing from her bedside and it filled the air with the spirit.

    I am so sorry for your loss but happy for the new addition to your family. My friend follows your blog and we talk about you often and wonder how you are coping.

    My daughter just passed away at 11 months old following a heart transplant. Although our losses are not the same, I just wanted to let you know that we share that small connection. I hope you are finding the strength to get through each new day. Your little girl AND boy are absolutely darling. Best of luck to you and your family.

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  69. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your trials! You don't know me but right now you are helping me more than anyone else could. I am pregnant and found out yesterday that our baby died. We are going to the hospital tomorrow to deliver the baby. I've heard it will be hard. But I too "am capable of hard things". Thank you!

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  70. Congrats Molly and Vic! He is beautiful.

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  71. Congratulations Molly and Vic. Peter is absolutely beautiful. Lucy must have been tickled to send him to your arms and see your soul shine again.

    Your words are so eloquent.

    You have much to be proud of. Our family motto for the last few years has been "We do hard things." ....you are a very capable family. Lots of love and prayers always....

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  72. molly, i stumbled upon your blog today. wow. you are so eloquent. i am amazed by you and your little family. i am amazed by your faith and perspective. and your words have helped me more than you know.
    thanks for that.
    becca

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