Truth Be Told

Tuesday, March 24, 2009
My husband and I have a great cyber relationship. There are days we email, gchat, and text more than we actually interact when he arrives home from work...sadly enough. But, in a way, it is good and healthy. We can express things through writing we may otherwise never say. And sometimes it saves us from yelling up and down the stairs or having to get out of bed--even when we are under the same roof and not in two different cities.

Case in point: It is currently 4:18 a.m. I just got a text from Vic--"Can you not sleep?"

"No. What shall we do?"

"Rest. I have to get back to sleep. I have work in the morning."

And then a phone call from him 5 minutes later: "What are you doing?"

"Just getting some milk (and cookies)" (He dosen't need to know his Oompa Loompa-ish pregnant wife is eating more of HIS homemade cookies at 4 in the morning. I'm starting to tip the scales with my 40 pound weight gain. So I just left it at milk.)

"Are you safe?"

"Yes. I'm safe. Go to sleep. I love you."

He asked if I am safe. He asked me if I am SAFE. I paused for a brief moment before I answered. I was a little unsure of exactly what he was asking. But he knows how much I am hurting. How much I TRULY feel like I am going to lose my mind lately. (There are times I think I've already lost it.) He knows how hormonal and pregnant I am. He knows how much I love and miss my Lucy. How tortured I feel. He cares. He wants to save me from myself--at 4:22 in the morning. I love him. Please God, send Lucy to watch over him in his sleep and whisper in his ear how much he is loved. Give him strength to make it through another day. He has upheld me for so long, whether he knows it or not.

While talking with my sister the other night, I mentioned that some of the most profound lessons I have learned lately have been because of things Vic has said (or emailed) to me. I am, time and time again, amazed at the man I married. Oh, our relationship is not perfect. I still place his empty cereal bowl in the dishwasher every single morning after he has left for work and wonder, "WHY can't he take the two seconds to do that?" I still wish he would lay and cuddle with me at night--look into my eyes and just talk or cry, or say nothing at all instead of read, read, read. (Ok, so I do get a good cuddle every once in a while. And I do love it that he is passionate about reading. But who says I can't have the best of both worlds? Not Miley Cyrus) I still daydream of him rising at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning (while I sleep until 9, of course) to work on projects around the house. Truth be told--he has many a quirk, many a stubborn opinion, and let's not forget how long I've been working on his posture. (The curse of being a dancer--I can't help it). We don't have a fairytale marriage. (He's married to me after all. Insert list of quirks and qualities he has to put up with here). But he is exactly what I need and I love him now more than ever.

One said "lesson", or truth--point to ponder, came in an email last week. I had called him crying (read: blubbering, sniffling, sobbing) and he gently said, "I can't talk right now, but I'll send you an email."


"I have had 6 mortal lives. One life I lived until I was 19 years old with my parents and siblings. I lived another life in Argentina for 2 years as a missionary. Then I lived what seemed a long, sometimes wonderful, sometimes "miserable" life as a single young man. Then I had the most wonderful life as a married man and a father to Lucy. The briefest of my lives lasted a number of days when my angel had an accident, went to the hospital and then home to our Savior. Now I am living a life, difficult, though sometimes sweet, and in this life my sweet Lucy doesn't live with me, and doesn't interact with me. She did in another life, not this one. I know the other lives happened but they aren't this one. I'm not sure what the connection between the lives is. There is no question they have related parts, but they are separate lives. I don't know how to connect them. I don't know that I want to because I don't know if I could handle it. They are separate. I assume that is part of the atonement - the at-one-ment; that the Savior will make me one-- not just with He and my Heavenly Father, but with myself. He will reconcile my different lives, my different parts. He will stitch me back together. He will make me whole."

My response:

"i don't know if you will ever be able to know how much i love you.

this is so beautiful.

i can't believe a human being can cry this much. day in and day out."

And then I shared this scripture which I just happened to open up to moments earlier:

"and as for the perils which i am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life; and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, or bad...God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what i am wont to swim in. it has become second nature to me; and i feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for this day has the god of my fathers delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth. behold and lo, i shall triumph..."

Doctrine and Covenants Section 127:2


I love my husband. He is perfect just the way he is. Bad posture, big pores and all.

I am so very weary. So tired of being sick. Scared. Exhausted. Depressed.

I am counting down the days until I hold my son in my arms. Scared. Hopeful.

No one can take away my pain. It is mine alone. These past few weeks have felt as debilitating as the beginning of this journey. There is no describing the hurt, the ache, the world in which I live.

I am loved. I am humbled. I am weak.

Vic is only days away from beginning his 7th life with his son, Peter. I pray it is a wonderful and healing one to last for years on end.

It is now 5:20 a.m. Vic called to tell me my cough is keeping him awake. Truth.


  1. Molly, I think you are wonderful. And I never followed up to tell you that the story you allowed me to share in my RS lesson went so well. The spirit was present and felt. Thank you.
    Hang in there! You can do it. You are an amazing woman. Really.

  2. Vic is such a neat guy. I am so glad that he supports you and loves you the way that he does. You are both lucky to have each other. I hope you were able to fall back asleep and get some rest. You sounded weary. I can't wait to meet Peter. He will be such an amazing little guy just like his parents and his big sister. Love you.

  3. I knew the minute you introduced Vic to me he was the right one for you! You two were EXACTLY what each other needed. He is a wonderful man, and I love him for taking care of you so well.

  4. Molly, that is one of the most beautiful things I have read in a long time. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feeling.

  5. 1. I can't believe how much I love you.

    2. I can't believe how much strength you are showing--how much endurance the Lord has given you.

    3. I can't believe you mentioned Vic's pores.

    Love you, sister.

  6. Molly--

    I only knew you and Vic during your 6th life. But for a time now I've been thinking of the things I saw during those few days:

    Love. Pure, sweet, true marital love and concern. Without judgment.

    Faith. The kind that moves mountains.

    Kindness. Simple kindnesses. Saying thank you when you don't have to.

    Love. The kind only a mother can feel. Sweet, special, devastatingly painful.

    Spunk. Your personality shown through during your darkest hour. I thought, "I could be friends with that spunky woman."

    I am excited for your 7th life. Peter is a lucky boy.

    Alissa Packer

  7. So tender and touching I love your truths.

  8. You don't know me, but I have left a comment before, and check your blog occasionally...hope that's ok. You are both so good with words and expressing your feelings. You touch right to my heart and I also hope and pray that the birth of your son is wonderful and healing for you both. My heart aches for your loss!! I hope your gain is a sweet one. Good luck with everything, and thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings!

  9. I learn a bunch reading about your lessons... you two are a special couple.

    I am so glad that I am not the only one that has called or texted my hubby from another room in our own house...

    I am glad you save all of his words of wisdom. When someone becomes wise... there is a price. You both have paid the price for your knowledge and insight.

    Enjoy the Journey!


  10. I've never read a word from you that didn't fill full to brimming with truth. I think of you and your babies and Vic and I will say a prayer for you all.

  11. Molly I wish I had some words of comfort to offer you. The only word that comes to mind at this very moment is "time". The problem with "time" is that we can't hurry it along, it just seems to tick away at it's own pace. Your situation is so much different than mine, I try to comprehend what you've gone through but my experience was traumatic in different ways, and yet ultimatly our situations are the same. I can tell you of the great blessing it was to have another child; and 16 years later we still consider her a gift to us. I liked the scripture you shared in your post. Did we know what we would face when we came to earth? I have often wondered about that. When my daughter was sick and I knew she would soon leave me, I felt strongly that we knew each other before our life on earth and that we even agreed to this. We were spirit sisters then. Now we are mother and daughter and nothing, not even death can change that. I pray that the Lord will bless you with all of the righteous desires of your heart, and that one day "time" will make a distinct difference for you.

    With love from,
    Lesley Leger

  12. Hi,

    You don't know me. I feel a little bit like a peeping tom, but your blog is so beautiful. I thought about your pain being your own. It make me wonder if our Savior feel that way too. When the spirit left him. "Why has thou forsaken me". Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. It brings so much into my life. I am so sorry for your pain. I wish you well in the next fifteen days as you wait for Peter.

  13. I love, love, love you! I am sorry we didn't get to spend enough time together this weekend. Being with you made me crave being around you. I am so glad you found your partner in Vic.

  14. If anyone reads these comments--you must know that Alissa Packard was Lucy's doctor at Primary Children's Hospital while she was on life support. She was only a few months from giving birth to a little girl herself. She was so wonderful. And she grew up in Park City and her father is best friends' with our bishop, John Flint, who spoke at Lucy's funeral. She was so wonderful--so young (only 28!?) and smart and was placed there just for us. It was one of the many tender mercies showered on us that week.

    Thank you, Alissa.

  15. I hope you don't mind me sharing a poem:


    ©1999 Susan Noyes Anderson

    A boat is life, a vessel in the gale
    Tossed by the wind and driven through the night;
    A hapless cutter, searching for the light
    That used to dance and shimmer on a sail
    Once bright and proud, bedraggled now, and pale.
    Life's boat. The oarsman struggles with its plight,
    Unwitting victim of his self-made might,
    Each desperate thrusting doomed, at last, to fail.
    Humbled, the oarsman tries to understand
    The currents that assail him fore and aft;
    He struggles with the oars until, unmanned,
    He hurls them through the tempest like a shaft.
    Henceforth, the raging waters he'll withstand
    By trusting in the Maker of his craft.

    When I wrote this poem, I was feeling like the "vessel in the gale," once-bright sails pale and bedraggled. It was a frightening time and an utterly depressing one. Like you, though, I was not without hope, because I knew of the Savior's great love for me...and His ability to take my suffering upon Himself, a "man of sorrows and acquainted with grief." Like you, I knew I could hold on, but I didn't realize yet just how much I could let go...of my own "oars," my own strugglings and strivings, and just trust Him to keep me afloat and lead me to a safe harbor again.

    You're in a world of pain, Molly, but you are *safe*. Because of Him, we can just let go...throw our oars into that ocean and trust in the One who calmed the raging waters and stilled the stormy seas. (Mark 4:39). He will not take us anywhere we don't need to go, and He will get us there whole.

    The water is rough for you right now, but you are headed toward a safe harbor, and Peter is on the way. Surely Peter has been set apart to be the "rock" (Matthew 16:18, D&C 128:10) upon which you and Vic will build life number 7. And of course all of these lives of yours will fit together seamlessly one day, as the Jackson family chapters in the "book of life" (Alma 5:58, D&C 132:19, D&C 88:2).

    Thank you for sharing, Molly. You often remind me of eternal truths I need to remember. And that makes me care so much about you, my "unknown" and yet so, so familiar blog friend.


  16. wow. That was amazing. Thank you so much for writing this. I am so proud of my brother. I'm so blessed to be his sister. What he said is so inspired. I think I have different lives too. I think we all do.

  17. Molly I admire your and Vic's strength and faith! I have a daily calendar and the following was on March 19, I hope you enjoy it....."It is not how troubled the sea is that determines the course of your life; it is who the Pilot is. The Lord will either calm your storm or allow it to rage with He calms you." You and Vic are so strong and have so much faith I know the Lord will take you both in his arms and carry you through it all. Love ya from East Texas....Pam

  18. i like the little texts you two send to each other. Its real cute and sweet. I'm glad you two are there for each other. You inspire us all.

  19. Molly, I decided to tell you I have been lurking at your site for a couple of weeks now! I is and has been an inspiration - thank you for sharing and I hope you don't mind that I am checking in. Vic sounds like a wonderful man and I can't wait for you to hold your son in your arms.

  20. Just beautiful Molly! I think you and Vic are the most amazing couple. I'm so glad you have each other and I hope that Peter will bring some healing into your hearts.
    Much love,

  21. Molly,
    This is such a wonderful, honest, sweet post. You are truly loved and appreciated by everyone.
    It was good to get a "Molly" hug at Emily's wedding. I wish you the very best with little Peter.
    I think of you often.

  22. Molly, do you want to go to lunch, with me, on Thursday? You name the place???

  23. I know there arene't any words that I can say, to make things better for you. I just wanted to say that I am so happy that you have Vic, someone who can understand you completely. His words to you are inspiring, genuine, wise, and so sweet. You can tell of your overwhelming concern and love for each other. I hope that you can feel uplifted soon, as you prepare for the birth of your son. I can't imagine what a spiritual experience that will be for your family. Straight from Lucy's arms to the arms of his loving mother and father. I pray you will regain your heath soon.

  24. Beautiful words! You are an inspiration to so many. I have so many family and friends that ask about you often. I wish we lived closer so I could see you and be there to help. Until then, here is a cyber hug and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Love you!

  25. Molly, thanks for sharing parts of Vic with us. While I agree with our different lives theory, it's sad to think of his other lives and not be as big a part of them as in his First Life!

  26. Molly,
    You DO know that Vic will read this and find out about his cookies and posture and pores, right? :-)

    Good thing you love each other so much!

    Can't believe it's only days til we meet Peter. BEST to you all.

  27. Love you girl and so happy that you have vic. He reminds me of my own sweet husband. We also write messages back and forth. Hang in there.

  28. What a beautiful post.
    Yet again I struggle to find the right words ~ so all I will say is that I am thinking of you and sending much love XXX

  29. I don't feel like I can add anything more helpful to something so beautiful Molly. As always, I continue to pray for you and I hope my love for you can be felt and help even a tiny bit to strengthen you.

  30. You & Vic are BOTH so great. Both quirky and fun. Both AMAZINGLY spiritual and articulate. Both devoted, loving parents.
    We are so thankful for knowing you - and we love you ALL!

  31. We were fortunate to be a part of one of Vic's lives and we pray that life #7 can bring more love and more joy to you both. Vic, we all know that real men do cry. They cry because they love and they care. What a beautiful poem, discripitive of how you have surly felt. Hang in there Molly, 14 days and counting. You go eat all the cookies you want girl!

  32. Molly,

    First of all I gained 60 lbs with my second baby. The last month I had my appointment and he said, "You know you have gained 10 pounds this week?" I looked at him and said, "Yep, and it was a great week, I ate some of the most delicious food I have ever tasted!" My mom had been in town cooking for me that week. I weighed almost 200 lbs and my little Eliza came out chubby and happy.

    So, keep eating those cookies you deserve it AND, tell Vic his lives thing made me cry. How profound is that. What a wonderful husband you have. I think our husbands would be friends if they ever met, because as I look at my husbands bedside table he has probably 60 books spilling over. He is watching a Science Fiction move right now, and I must sleep.

    Thank you for sharing that scripture today. It was absolutely beautiful. I had a hard day with a mother who didn't want to pay me for watching her son and I had to be "assertive" Adriane which just drains me.

    I hope you feel better soon. I pray every night for you Molly. Thanks again for that sweet sweet real post. Love Adriane

  33. Molly, I am so amazed by you and Vic! Nope, you don't know me. I'm another stranger who follows your blog. I think of you and your family every day. I am so excited about your baby boy! I am praying for you guys! You and your family deserve the very best. It's hard to actually write you a comment when we have never even met because I could never type what my heart really feels for you and your precious family. All I can really get out is that I care about you, Vic, Lucy, and Peter and pray for you often. I love all of your posts. I love your honesty, strength, and the way you express yourself. This post was neat! You have a great man! And he has a great woman! Lucy lives! A few months ago I had to give a talk in sacrament meeting. I prepared and was excited but once I got up there I had that numb feeling where I knew I believed what I was saying was true, but the nervousness took over and it felt like I having an out-of-body experience (make sense?)...anyway, I shared your story as I knew it, and that was when the tears came and I could feel again, during my talk. The spirit was strong when I spoke of Lucy. I know she lives and you will see her again. She is a precious angel. Sending my love and prayers to all of you. Thank you for what you have taught love and cherish more.

  34. Hi Molly. My name is Devon, and I was introduced to your blog by Dorothea, with whom I was ward-mates at BYU. I think she felt impressed to share your blog with me, as I have been struggling a lot lately. My son Dakin, 17 months, has a rare neuromuscular disease that has left him ventilator dependent. He has only been battling it for about 14 months now, and in that 14 months I had pretty much almost completely lost my faith. I am on the road back, slowly but I am happy to say surely (at least I think so). I feel in you a kindred spirit and will be praying for your new little one to come safely.

    I read your post from 1/28/09. It was beautiful and touching in a way I can't fully express, but I am so glad I was led to it tonight. In my daily battling with Dakin's illness I often ask myself why my sweet little one would be attached to a machine his whole life, and wheelchair bound. I think that that post helped answer part of my question. To see that sweet Lucy has made such an impact on others gives me hope that there is a point in all the suffering. Maybe Dakin can be that kind of missionary too.

    Sorry about the novel. My heart and eyes are full at the moment. Blessings to you.

  35. Every day I check your blog to see if your blessing has arrived yet.I am so anxious for you to meet him and to feel the presence of Lucy with him.

  36. Another beautiful post, Molly. Thank you for your lessons and faith and ENDURANCE. You are doing it, even though it's so hard. I am so so sorry for this deep water you're swimming in now. I love you, and I love Vic and I love your cyber-relationship.

    Eagerly awaiting Peter's arrival,


  37. It was wonderful to see both of you at your shower. thanks for taking a few moments to chat. I know you guys are in this place that I can't relate too all to often, but I always feel like I am in the presence of something bigger than I am. You guys both emit a holy aura. You are greater than we are because you suffer so excruciatingly.

    ...come on Peter! Show yourself :)

    P.S. my neighbor and her family who wrote you a letter...Tiffany Stefl, they think and pray for you and Lucy often. She told me that Lucy was the subject of their family home evening the other night...

  38. Totally understand about the texting. Cristian and I do it all the time. Vic must be out of town, I didn't know that.

    Keep fighting, girl. You are awesome.

  39. I am ever amazed and impressed with the both of you. I miss you both dearly and wish either of us could take frequent trips to one another's state. I've known Vic for most of those lives and I absolutely know that the ones with you, Molly, in them are his best and will continue to be so.

    BTW, that last line of your entry reminded me of a time Vic called out from his apartment bedroom to Jenny and I (still dating), "Is there something wrong with the couch?!" It made me smile and made Jenny thoroughly pissed off. Ask him.

  40. Molly -

    Thank you again for beautiful thoughts and words. I found this alternate verse to I am a Child of God and thought you might like it for Lucy. Maybe you have heard it before. I was just thinking of you. You and Vic are amazing. I pray for your sorrows to ease. Thank you for sharing your faith.

    I am a child of God and He has called me home.
    My earthly journey's through but still, I do not walk alone.
    He leads me, guides me, walks beside me, helps me find the way.
    He welcomed me with open arms. I live with Him today.

    I am a child of God and I have gone ahead.
    My earthly life was brief but oh, such peace and love you gave.
    You loved me, held me, stood beside me and though I cannot stay.
    You gave me much to help me and I live with Him today.

    I am a child of God and I will wait for you.
    Celestial glory shall be ours, if you can but endure.
    I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you.
    Help you find the way.
    I'll welcome you with open arms
    One bright Celestial day.

    --Donna Kulliard

  41. I am a stranger who happen to stumble upon your blog a few months ago & have been following it ever since. My deepest condolences on the loss of your beautiful Lucy. As I read this post, I wept at Vic's e-mail to you. How blessed you are to be loved by a man like him. My heart aches each time I read a new post & yet I feel happy that Peter will bring new joy to your life. God bless the jackson family.

  42. One of the many followers, and one of the THOUSANDS of people who are thinking, praying and crying for you.
    Lucy will not be replaced by the arrival of Peter, but his arrival, Peter will bring the spirit, love and companionship of the Lord.

    There is no doubt that Lucy would have wished her time here on earth to be longer as well, but I know she is shouting for your family to gather strength, happiness, and find with this soon to be born child a new rejoicing.
    Life does not deal us cards that we would have chosen. Thats part of the trick. We are dealt those cards, and then choose how to react.
    I realize you must think I'm crazy at this point, but I guess I have nothing to say that will comfort, soothe or refresh you. What I am trying to say is I hope you are able to be the fantastic, energetic, crazy, fun loving mother you seemed to have been for Lucy, and be that same for Peter.
    Our family is always thinking of yours, and wish you the best!
    on an ending note, don't worry about how you'll get through this month, or even this week, or even tomorrow.
    Just think about today, just think about the NOW.
    You will make it through this, and for renewed strength, I pray!
    All our love!

  43. With tears running down my face I love this post. I was checking in to see if there was any baby news and just love this post. Vic's explanation of his lives is perfect. I feel exactly like this. You both are amazing. I hope to actually meet you someday. Hang in there. I can't wait for you to hold Peter in your arms and feel Lucy wrap you in hers. Love, Cassi

  44. I was blog hopping and I just loved this post! I've read your blog before and it is always poingnant and memorable.

    When I was reading this post all I could think of was something my friends told me about having a 2nd child. They said no one prepares you for the guilt you feel when you are about to another baby, like you are being unfaithful to your first child. Of course they said it goes away fast but they all experienced it. I don't even if or know how these feelings would manifest in your case since Lucy is living in heaven. You are probably having one of the most unique and heart-wrenching human experiences right now. I try to understand but I know I can't so I just listen. I love listening to your journey so I can learn more about our mortal experience.

  45. arent husbands amazing creatures? Vic sounds like one of those... AMAZING husbands... the kind of friend and companion that girls ought to have in their lives. i am so glad you have him to grow old with, no matter how many lives you both incounter. i have to admit that most of my comfort in knowing that you are going to survive all this is knowing that you have your husband by your side... not just ANY husband... VIC. there IS a difference.

    sometimes i lay in bed and i think about HOW i know that my Jeff loves me. sure, i know he loves me when he kisses me or does the dishes... sure i know he loves me when we go on date nights or we are sitting in the celestial room at the temple. sure, i know he loves me because he tells me so... daily. his texts, his emails... his... smile at me.

    but you know when i know i best? when hard times come. THOSE are the times when i simply CANNOT deny our relationship is LOVE. he could clam up and leave me to suffer alone through hard times... but he never does. when things are rocky... when i have a miscarriage, when money is low, when a choice is to be made, when i have contractions all night long with no kid the next day... all those times- he is THERE for me... and even though i wish those hard times never came... when i look back on them- or when it comes down to the wire... at that very moment- i realize, dang i got myself an AMAZING man of a husband. a friend, a lover. a companion. its the best.

    thinking of you as always. i am anxious for our boys to come! :)

  46. I really related with you on this post. You know how patient and understanding Aaron is. For many many years I did not understand why he is so soft. I saw it as a weakness. I hated that he didn't fight with me. I am so hard and sharp. I understand now. He is exactly what I need. I do not know why or what I did to deserve him, but I am so glad. This pregnancy has been really hormonal. I can't walk straight. I am so all over the place and I cry all the time. Which I do not cry. I have serious pride problems. So then I have this wonderful amazing man that completely loves me and does what ever I need, because he cares so much. I hope someday I can show him what he has done for me. He makes me feel strong, even when I'm leaning on him for help.

    I hope that all makes sense. You understand who I married and I guess I'm just telling you I am beginning to understand it too. I think the world has underestimated the importance of a husband with true masculinity. I did not understand what it meant to be masculine and now I see it means to kiss your child goodbye and cuddle with your wife. I am so glad I married a man that did understand that.

  47. Molly, you and Vic just helped me understand something I have been trying to figure out since my dad died in my arms over fifteen years ago. That strange and sickening feeling of separation.Its' almost science fiction and yet it is reality, I lived with that person and now I don't. Vic said it better than me.
    One day, years ago, I got tired of analyzing everything,I got tired of feeling the pain. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to live again. So I chose to run away. I chose to TRY to leave the pain behind and live the new life I was given without my dad.
    Since that time I have gained a new family. As you know, I married one of your husbands wonderful cousins. It has been easy to get lost in their incredible family. But their are days when I see my children doing things with their dad or playing with their grandfather (popcorn) Jackson that I find myself thinking,sometimes out loud, my dad would love to do that or my dad would have plaid with them that way.At that moment I cherish the memories of my new life and I mourn the memories of my past life. At that moment I feel a little guilty for running away and choosing to walk away from the pain. I don't know that the pain ever really leaves me but it has its place. Sometimes it is far away deep inside and sometimes it is very near the surface. In a strange way it helps me to live my new life. I understand that now better than before. You and Vic have helped me to understand and have reminded me again of our Saviors part in it all. Thank you.

  48. Hi Molly and Vic. My name is Candace Staheli. I was introduced to your blog through a friend I have down in Cedar city. I posted about a hard time I was having with my 3 year old Gracie. How she was driving me nuts but I love her so much and wouldn't change a thing. My friend told me that by reading your blog I would learn to never take a single moment for granted. Even those times I feel like I'm going crazy. Vic's parents are in my ward here in Spanish Fork. A while ago, when I was new in the ward, I learned of your daughters accident as we were asked to pray for her in our relief society. It was shortly after that we recieved the news that sister Robinsons grandaughter had returned home. I just want you to know what amazing people the Jacksons are. Our first sunday in the ward we were approached by brother Jackson with a smile and an introdction. They continue to be good friends of ours in the ward. I know that they are a strength to your little family and we are truly greatful for them. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I read it often as I sob right along with you. Stay strong, and thank you.

  49. When our kids have a hard time being reverent in church, we come home and they "practice church" for every portion of the block which they struggled through, they watch 1 speaker of general conference .

    Today in our practice church, we watched one of our family favorites and it made me think of you. I pray your peace will come.

    "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." (Come What May, and Love It
    Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
    Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles October 2008 General Conference Saturday Afternoon Session). I believe it's true.


  50. Hi Molly. I live in orem, Utah. I came across your blogs through a comment on a friends blog down in Arizona who lost their little baby boy at 11 weeks old. I was reading the comments and one of them mentioned yours so here I am. And I must say that I am in awe of the way you can express your thoughts and feelings. You truly are an amazing woman and mother. Your relationship with your husband is one that is rare and beyond special. You have become a beacon of strength for me and have made me realize how precious life and our children are. Thanks you for sharing your stories of sorrow and hope. I am praying for you and your family during this time of joys and sadness and new life. Wether you mean to be or not, you truly are an inspiration to me and I thank you for your amazing spirit that shines through in your words.

  51. I drove past our old house in Mesa. I thought about the life there. We kept talking about our lives and that concept all weekend. It is so hard to imagine life without Jason and yet most of my life I have lived without him. I love this concept because it helps me to be able to think about and sort of wrap my brain around this existence.

    Also Molly, I think one of the important things you do is help so many of us who do not have such personal grief to remember that people don't stop feeling it, that it doesn't diminish, just because x number of months have passed. Nobody does it on purpose but I think as humans we just naturally start to forget.

    We missed Lucy this weekend. It was impossible not to think about her jumping on the bed with Luke.

    We love you both.

  52. I walked into that room witht he blanket that Lucy was jumping on a year ago. It brought a lump in my throat. I have to curb my thoughts to not be angry cause thats what seems to surface.Someday we will get to feel at peace.I look forward to that. Until then I get to be with my amazing kids. Thank goodness for blogging. Mom

  53. You have posted such kind notes on our family blog. My daughter Sarah was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in August. I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby girl the following month. This sweet baby has been such a blessing. She has brought immeasurable comfort and joy during these difficult months. Sarah passed away in December of last year. I know your aching arms will at last feel comfort as you hold your precious baby boy. Best wishes.

  54. Molly, you don't know me but someone told me about your blog and I am so inspired by you. I too lost a sweet angel on September 11, 2006. Her name was Hannah, she lived 16 days. We've also lost two other nieces in the past three years. Your Lucy is so beautiful and perfect. I was lucky enough to be blessed with 3 other girls. One who was born in October. I miss my Hannah terribly, but know without a doubt she is our angel watching us and waiting for us on the other side. Continue to be strong, you are a special family. Lots of Love, your sweet baby boy is lucky to have you.

  55. Molly,
    I hope all is going well for you. If you haven't had your baby yet, I hope it goes well, or if you have, I hope it went well! I hope it brought some of that peace you have been looking for. I'm so sorry things have been tougher for you again this last little while. I know we don't know each other very well, but we will always have the unfortunate connection of loosing our sweet little ones to choking. You are an inspiration to so many people, and although you wouldn't have asked for this position and would trade anything to not be in this position, take comfort in knowing how many people's lives you are influencing for the better. You, Vic, and Lucy are missionaries together, on opposite sides of the veil. Welcome to little Peter, whether it already happened or is coming soon!
    Diana Caydin's mom

  56. I was sent to your blog by a college roommate of yours. I just wanted to thank you for the spirit that you bring with each entry you write. I think it is very fitting that Vic's 7th life will be that life with your new son. In the Bible six is the number of imperfection while seven symbolizes God's perfection and holiness. His six life has been a life of imperfection but I hope that this new life will bring you holiness and wholeness.


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