Wednesday, March 18, 2009

It's been a while. I was very sick. Depression crept in. I don't have many words, but you do. And you have all reached out and shared them beautifully. Today marks 10 months since Lucy's choking accident. Today we finalized the text for her headstone. Today my husband cried on the phone with me while sitting at his desk at work. Today my therapist told me I sounded heavy-in every sense of the word. Today I re-read this email from a dear friend in Boston to help sustain me. I'm in love with the power of words--

..."When I was in the shower yesterday, I was thinking "I'm a warrior. Mothers are warriors. They fight the worst most intense war imaginable. They fight for their children's lives every single day in some way or another. They have casualties again, and again, and are expected to keep fighting. Their lives are bloody, literally. They are not only emotionally connected to everything, but literally, physically connected, and any loss is a loss of part of themselves."

Molly, you are brave, valiant, mighty, and strong. You are a warrior. You've suffered a great loss. But, you have more fighting to do. You have a baby to deliver. You have a son to raise. I have more fighting to do. My entire morning was a fight, literally, with my kids. That's why I missed your text - we were fighting the fight.
Again, I'm just grasping at something to send you to give you a reason to get up tomorrow and keep fighting. But, to me, it feels good to grit my teeth and get mad and fight. We have to keep trying.
I love you..."

Thank you, Michelle. It was wonderful to be photographed by someone who knows.


Today I hope for a bright future with my son. And many, many other things.


  1. Molly, You make being pregnant look so beautiful! I love the pictures. I know you don't know me, but I always love to read your posts. I know you are fighting a hard fight right now. Keep it up, you can do this. Many love you-including those who don't know you personally. Thanks for sharing your deepest darkest feelings to us..I learn from you every time you post.

  2. Molly the pictures are so lovely. Michelle does such a great job! That is how I found your sweet blog through Michelle's, I went to school with her. She is such a beautiful girl.

    Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you! No words can describe how I feel for you. I hope for every bit of happiness in your life.

    With lots of love,

  3. I have missed you and have been worried about you. You are positively radiant in these pictures.

    Thank you for your words...I've about lost my courage and resolve to endure the last four weeks of this pregnancy. I needed the reminder that I am a WARRIOR.

    May you feel the prayers of so many buoy you up.


  4. I love these photos.


    I agree Mother's are warriors.

    I often think of your little Lucy when I look into my grand-daughter Maddy's eyes. The day Lucy left... Madison arrived. I wish it were not so... but at least I am thinking of you.


  5. Wow you are one beautiful Pregnant Woman, Mother, and Warrior! I check back often, and when there's not a new post I worry that you're in a down point. Please know that even though we've never met...you guys are still in my constant thoughts and prayers- Seriously pretty much on a daily basis. Can't wait to see your new son. Life is such a MIRACLE!

    Love ~ Heather

  6. That picture with the word hope and your belly just made me speechless it's so beautiful and emotional and REAL. Kudos to you and the amazing photographer.

    I like that about Mothers who are warriors. You fight the good fight, you and Vic, every second of every day.

    And we all admire you for it.

    Here's to your bright new beginning with your little son...your adoring public cannot wait to greet him!

  7. Those pictures are so rich and beautiful! Your perfectly huge belly just screams "I am a walking miracle! I am a walking vessel- I am a mother!!!" love it

  8. Thank you for sharing, Molly. It's been hard. And I've thought so often of calling you. To find out how you are doing it. Losing my first and only child, but expecting his brother in June. I am scared. And I don't know how to do it. The fear consumes me sometimes. If his brother couldn't live, how can I expect this one to? I'm sorry, I am just scared. How are you doing it?

    Gavin's Mom

  9. What can one state or say about such an overwhelming feeling and or experience? that is the million dollar question. How do we get up from the floor, how do we pick ourselves up from pain? The only way we know how, through God and Christ. Im more than sure that this is something you relly on on a daily basis, Im just here to say life does get bright again. The proof is in your tummy.

  10. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are. I am sorry you were so sick. I hope you are physically feeling better now. As far as emotionally, I know there is nothing to say, that will make it better, although I wish that wasn't so. I pray for you and Vic, and your sweet baby Peter. You are a valiant warrior and although you are fighting the fight of your life, I have no doubt you will come out victorious. It must have been incredibly difficult to finalize the text on Lucy's headstone. I am sure it will be beautiful, and lovely as your words always are. You are beautiful, and the picture of your belly with the word Hope is perfect and so symbolic. I love it. I pray you will feel the love that is being sent to you.

  11. Thanks for the update on *Today*, for sharing your warrior spirit with all of us and for being such a graceful, gorgeous Mama! Love the photos!

  12. Your pictures are amazing, you look so beautiful. I pray you will feel that way too. I'm sorry you having such a hard time, I hope as this little miracle blesses your lives he will also bouy up your spirits. Always remember there are so many of us cheering you on as you fight your fight! You are an amazing Warrior :) I wish you the best of luck as you approach labor and delivery, may it be a quick and wonderful one!

  13. I have been a "lurker" for awhile now. I can't even tell you how I came upon your blog, but it doesn't matter. Every time I visit, I am in awe of you and your husband. As I read your words (and others), I usually have tears running down my cheeks and I am wondering how you do it. I know the answer to that-you just do-because you have to, even if some days are worse than others. After reading your latest entry and looking at the pictures, I had to comment. You are an absolutely beautiful pregnant woman! I am sure I was NEVER that glamourous with my children. May your faith sustain and comfort you as you prepare for Peter's birth. You are an amazing individual!

  14. I always think of you and your family daily, and the last few weeks even more. Maybe because I know a baby is coming to your home soon? I don't know, but I am still overwhelmed with love and compassion for you. Those pictures are absolutely beautiful and I loved that Lucy's name was softly placed in one of the pictures. You are beautiful, babies and life are a miracle. I hope happier days are close ahead for you!

  15. I think you are going to have a love for your little boy that even us mothers won't comprehend because you've tasted the extreme bitter.

    He is a very blessed spirit to be sent to your home and I'm not afraid for him because I think you will truly be a better mother as a result of your trials.

    You are beautiful.

  16. I was so glad to see a post from you today. I worry when you go too long without one.

    Toward the ends of my pregnancies, I was always highly sensitized to every feeling, as most pregnant women are. I imagine that phenomenon is both hormonal and psychological, and cannot be easy for a mother who is grieving so recent and devastating a loss. But you are in every way conceivable a fighter...a warrior, as your friend reminded you. We, who "know" you here, can all see that...and you will come through this experience whole, because you know the whole truth. You are given to understand about life and death and what it all means, a priceless gift. And you know where to turn for help and strength...and HOPE.

    I HOPE that Easter will be a time of peace for you and that, even though bittersweet, your joy will be full in remembering that because He is risen, we all will rise again. Lucy will be yours again, in body AND spirit, and that will be a glorious day.

    In the meantime, I hope you can find some comfort as you consciously remind yourself at those most difficult of times that her spirit is never far. Pres. Benson said this in a conference talk:

    "The spirit world is not far away. Sometimes the veil between this life and the life beyond becomes very thin. Our loved ones who have passed on are not far from us. One great spiritual leader asked, 'But where is the spirit world?' and then answered his own question. 'It is here.' "

    Not the same as holding her in your arms, not even close, but reassuring nonetheless. I like knowing that my loved ones who have preceded me are "around" at times. And close to me.

    Keep fighting, Molly. Blessings are on the way. Soon you will hold Peter in your arms, a moment that will be yet another connection with Lucy. It will also be a brand new connection for YOU as a mother...with him.


  17. You are beautiful, inside and out.

  18. Molly.....beautiful words, true words and I love the pictures! You look wonderful, can't wait to see little Peter! A friend in East Texas, Pam.

  19. What a profound post--and lovely pictures. Thank you for sharing. :) Sharon in St. Anthony

  20. I cant wait to see her headstone. I'm sure it will be beautiful. I really love these pictures of you. Looking great. Love you.

  21. I don't have any children of my own, but I fight every day for gang kids who mostly don't have a prayer. I come here because it's a rare safe place. I love you too, Molly. A lot. Thank you for the transparency that makes your wounds a source of healing for others, like me.

  22. Such wonderful pictures.
    I love the one of you and Vic.
    So beautiful.

  23. I have been an avid reader of your blog and today I had to speak up. Your words about being a warrior are so inspiring. You are beautiful in every sense and truly are a warrior.

  24. Beautiful Pictures. 20 days to go! WOW. I hope to meet you and your baby Peter soon. I'm sure he will be handsome just like his Daddy.

  25. You are such a light to so many. Your sweet Lucy is such a beautiful little girl. You have made me a better mother everyday because now I appreciate even the hard days where I want to pull my hair out. You are gorgeous and carry such a light with you. I truly believe people who have dealt with such a personal loss and who turn to the Lord carry a special love and closeness of Him for the rest of us to see. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

  26. Molly, You are absolutly beautiful!!! Those pictures are amazing. I have never had a real picture of me taken when I was prego-crazy 3 kids, you would think someone would have snapped one? You have inspired me to do so many things- i can't list them all, but I think that you have taught me to live in the moment. I don't know why that is so hard, but to simply feel, see, look around me, and enjoy my growing tummy. (I'm due on the 4th of July!)I just want you to know that I am alway thinking about you and I wish you the best in the next couple of weeks! You are beautiful and Thank you for all your moments that you share! Love ya, Mandy

  27. I love that you had those pictures taken...and the HOPE in them! Valiant Hope.

  28. Sending my love Molly...the pictures are priceless! And I love the power of the words you have posted here. Thank you! I needed to hear them tonight.
    Much love,

  29. Molly,

    You are beautiful. I was very touched by the "Warrior" e-mail. It's a good reminder for me to keep doing the things I do every single day and not get "burned out" but to focus on the fact that I need to continue to fight for my kids and my husband fight the good fight, until it's through. I remember since I've been home from my mission many people asking me if I'd go again. I've answered...nope, I love it, I loved the people, I learned a lot, I love the gospel etc. etc., but I served my mission did my best, and it's time to move on. I wonder if when this life is through if we will look back and think, "My word! That was tough, I loved it I loved the people, I learned a lot, but nope, I wouldn't do it again." It's just good to know that when you have your homecoming, it's going to be an extra extra special one. It will be witnessed by a host of angels. Thanks for the post, I needed it today! I'm praying for you always. Love, Adriane

  30. Molly & Vic, the pictures are beautiful and today we too hope for a bright future for you and your son, Lucy's big brother Peter.

  31. I'm praying for you and your family on this sad anniversary. I pray for your strength, God's healing and comfort, and that you might look ahead to the birth of your son with hope and excitement!

  32. Molly ~ you are beautiful ~ inside and out.

    The journey of pregnancy stirs so many emotions in itself ~ to be on that journey with the missing that you are carrying must just be so overwhelmingly challenging. Be easy on you and spoil yourself to the nth degree.

    Thinking of you, Vic, Lucy and Peter so very often.


  33. Gorgeous maternity photos! I've been thinking of you guys...will pray for a smooth delivery and look forward to the news of little Peter's arrival. What a blessing :)

  34. Hi Molly and Vic,

    I've never posted on your blog before but have been reading it for many months now. Your courage is an inspiration to all of us who have lost someone.

    I have nominated you as my blog of the week over at http://magatha-may.blogspot.com.

    With thanks, hugs and love,

  35. beautiful pictures. thank you for sharing them.

    i think of you two often and anticipate your new arrival.

  36. I don't know if you have the time to read all of the comments that are posted on your blog, but if you per chance read this one I just want to let you know how inspiring you are to me. I am Janeese Summers' Sister-in-Law that is how I found your blog. Yes I blog stalk, but I don't think it was an accident that I found it, that I found you. God knew I needed your words and your wisdom. I am a labor & delivery nurse and have watched as you have grown-literally. I hope it doesn't sound weird, but I am anxious for your delivery, for both you and Vic. The labor & delivery process can be among one of the most spiritual experiences of your lives. I have literally walked into a room of a laboring woman and felt there was no room for me because the room was already filled to the brim with angels. They are there and I just know with every fiber of my being that your room, Molly, Vic, Lucy and Peter's room will be the same. Let them hold you, support you and comfort you as they place little Peter into your arms.


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