Giving Birth

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 11:51 AM



I thoroughly enjoy a good bath. Candles, bubbles, and the perfect pick of music. Lately, it's been something instrumental so as to avoid filling the tub with more of my own tears than actual tap water.

"In the beginning", right after our world was turned on its head, Vic and I listened to nothing but the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. One album in particular (thanks, Alison) called "Peace, Like a River" was played repeatedly. It is now the soundtrack of my loss. To this day (not that its been that long) I cannot hear that CD without being completely taken back to those grueling days in the hospital. The nearly wordless days and weeks at home with Vic and my parents. The spirit in my home so strong you could almost put it in a Ziploc bag for safe keeping in the freezer. Those were the most painful precious days I hope to ever have. Maybe not precious, I expect to have more precious days, but hopefully no more pain like that. But there is no guarantee.

As I was soaking in a generous bath of bubbles and melodic sweetness from the MoTab a few months back (Lucy delighted in bubbles. I do it for her.) , the familiar pains began. Deep in my chest, effecting my breathing, moving through every inch of my body. First the sniffling, then crying, coupled with unintelligible sounds trying to say, "NO. Please. Lucy. I Love You. Can't be. Miss. It hurts. I can't do it." This eventually gave way to wailing.

I stopped for a moment and looked down at my growing belly and life within me. "I look and sound like I'm giving birth." I thought. And thus my agony continued as such until I was well worn and collapsed in my bed.

Moments later I was on the phone with Amy Hackworth. Or was it days? I told her of my experience in the bath. Though it should have seemed obvious to me, it took a wise friend to point out, that pregnant or not, I AM giving birth to something new. To a new life, a new way of living. I loved her analogy and have held to it each time a "labor pain" comes along. Amy has two beautiful boys, both of whom came into this world through a natural birthing process. My plan was to do the same with Lucy (nearly did...long story. Got an epidural at an 8 1/2 and had them turn it off, I hated it), and most definitely plan to go natural with Peter. I want to experience the full spectrum of labor. Every pain, every up and down--and feel the exhilaration that comes when I reach my goal. To be uninhibited by any drugs and allow my body and mind to fully be in the moment. To feel of Lucy's presence and the meeting of two worlds. Peter leaving his heavenly home and the arms of his sister and coming into the weak but willing arms of his mother. Amy is a wonderful and amazing woman. She is helping me see that I can do it. Both natural child birth, and healthy grieving...that I am capable of giving birth to two beautiful lives.

Another inspiring woman who has gone through three natural childbirths is my sister-in-law, Joy. As I prepare for Peter's birth in about a month, still laboring through the heavy pains of my grief, I found her email particularly poignant and beautiful. I think you will too----


"I keep thinking about your grief, about the load you have to bare. And I keep thinking of it kind of like childbirth (are you surprised that I would make that connection?). The contractions, the pain, comes and goes. Sometimes it comes on strong, and sometimes they are not so strong and they subside. Sometimes you can actually time them. And sometimes they are just at random intervals. And sometimes, they are one on top another and you can barely catch your breath. That is how labor is for me at the end. One on top of another. And that is when it is time to PUSH! Push hard!!! You can't help but feel the pain, to suffer through each contraction and no one else can take that pain away. Jason cannot feel it for me, even if he wanted to. And when they are so strong, toppling over each other... well it feels good to push back. Having Jason there, right beside me, does help with the pain. I couldn't do it without him. I would lose my focus and purpose. And at the end is the indescribable high, the pain is all over and you are holding your precious little one. And you did it! You made it, it didn't kill you after all.

The pain isn't in vain either. Somehow that helps me to deal with it. I know that I am not suffering in vain. It makes me stronger and healthier and helps toward healing (which is why you have contractions before and after the baby is born). It also helps me to think of it as really hard work instead of pain. It helps me to focus, relax and let them run their course. Please don't think that I am trying to say you need to do anything different with your grief. I just couldn't help think about the pain coming and going. And also knowing that someday IT WILL END! You will hold her again!

I also realize too that in the beginning, when Lucy died, I felt the pain. But like labor after a while your sort of forget. You can still remember the pain but you can't feel it like before. This was one of of the things that bothered me so much after Lucy's death. I knew that it would subside for me, but it would not for you. I feel like I am letting you down somehow. I miss her still but now, all I can do is "stand next you" while you labor through your pain. That is what makes the atonement so amazing. The Savior is the only one who REALLY knows EXACTLY what you are feeling and can really truly help carry the load."

--------

I'm not sure why I really bother sharing my own thoughts on this blog. What my family and friends and blog readers share with me is so much more powerful and beautiful than my own ability to express.

My posts are long and heavy. Not short and witty like Cjane or Nie Nie. (Though, even Cjane is a "Lucy fan" as she shared with me in a recent email). I am not a professional writer or photographer. I often wish I could share silly and mundane things, fluffy everyday life events that used to make up my world. But like my friend Michelle told me, "your blog serves a different purpose now. Most people don't write about their trials because they aren't as big as yours. They have support and find strength where they need it. But yours is so huge it must be upheld by a greater population. Don't feel guilty that you write what you do."

So as I sit here at the computer, going on my fifth day of complete and utter illness. Fever, chills, headache, stuffy, burning throat....I cry with all of you standing by my bedside. Holding my hand as I labor through this grief. Unable to speak my gratitude in sounds other than grunts and moans. Sleep deprived and tears burning my cheeks, I say that you have eased my pain and helped me through some very significant contractions. How great will be my joy when I share Peter with the world, and even greater when I fall upon my knees and thank my Creator for each of you. I have no doubt Lucy will be there to thank you too.

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  1. Beautiful, inspiring as always. Tears fall and I send a warm hug your way. Thank you for sharing the analogy and photos. I love your round full-of-baby belly: you are gorgeous!

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  2. Molly:
    What a wonderful analogy of grief. So very true!! I think you have a gift of writing and expressing things so well. I'm so grateful for the help you have given me through the pains of grief. I think you are amazing.
    Love,
    Andrea

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  3. I love your words...
    and your photos.
    Especially you & Lucy.

    Just like you...
    I can see big sister taking her little brother by the hand as he leaves heaven... and comes to earth. I am sure it will be hard for Lucy to let go... except she knows where he is going and who he gets to be with.

    And you all will be a family forever again one day.

    ToOdLeS.ShEiLa

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  4. Molly,
    Your words are beautiful. I'm so glad that you are open enough to share your inner most feelings with the world. Lucy has taught me so much and it's because of the love you have for her that her life here is so memorable.

    I will never forget you or Lucy. The lessons I have learned from your eternal family will always be with me. I will never let a day go by without telling the ones I love, just how much you mean to me.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is Thank You. Thank you for being yourself and not blogging the way others do. I look forward to ever post and am always left with tears in my eyes and love in my heart for you and your family.

    Continue to find inspiration from others, but don't let their blogging styles discourage you. Use the inspiration and create something of your own, I know it will be beautiful, each and every time.

    With Love,

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  5. Molly,
    You are a beautiful writer. You express your feelings so well, that I feel as if I am there. I am grateful that you express your feelings the way that you do, because it really helps me learn, and hopefully become a more compassionate person. I wish that my prayers could take the burden of your grief away from you, but since they can't, just know I am praying for peace for you. I hope you get better from your illness soon, so you can have all the strength you can muster to have your natural delivery. Take care of yourself Molly.

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  6. After you commented on my blog about PPD, I had a dream about you.

    We were sitting in a class at BYU... some sort of general ed. type setting where the class was huge in one of those lecture halls. We were at our current ages and stages of life, but, for some reason, back at school. I commented on the name of your future son being Peter. My dream self assumed it was because of the whole "Peter Pan" thing. I then commented that both of your children had names from "Narnia" by C.S. Lewis and that it must mean you'll have to have 2 more to "complete the set."

    I woke up feeling very strongly that you WILL be okay. That you will someday feel complete.

    But that it will probably not be for a long time... and maybe not in this life. But that, some day, your "set" will undoubtedly be complete.

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  7. I don't mean to just drop by your personal thoughts and inner most feelings, but I triped in to your blog through someone else and I was hooked from the go. I read about your Lucy and I am very sorry, I can't comprehend the pain of a mother or a father as I am not one yet, but it does bring joy because it reminded me of how great the plan of salvation is. I too lost someone close to me and it has been dificult at times but the pain does fade away until it becomes a thought or a memory of joy because we will be with them again! Just wanted to say congrats on the new addition to your family and sorry for your pain. Father knows all and he is sending you an angel to ease that pain.

    Thanks
    David R

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  8. Molly I just love you. I love your faith. You are so strong. I know the pain is so great that you are unable to actually see the depths of strength you obtain, but you ARE SO STRONG. SO faithful. So insightful. So, wonderful. I can't wait for you to give birth to Peter. What a beautiful day it will be. When your two words collide. Truly Miss Lucy will be handing off Peter and placing him in your very capable and strong arms. He will bring so much love and joy to your heart. Be sweet to yourself.. . you are amidst not just grief, but Pregnancy on top of it! I don't know about you, but pregnancy made me a little crazy when I didn't even have grief toppled in on it. It only got worse when you are dealing with both. I love you. I am so sorry you are sick. Get better soon so we can do those prego picts. Can't wait. Love,
    Michelle

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  9. Molly,
    Why am I not surprised you are a natural birther? I am too--I know the power and strength that natural childbirth brings...it's amazing...and I cannot imagine what a sacred experience this will be for you. Working so hard for something so good, for this new beginning...it just fits. I pray it will be everything you need it to be.

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  10. Oh,
    To see the sweet little Lucy peanut wrapped up like a little present. I loved this labor analogy, and I to can't wait to see baby Peter's angelic face -a present from your Heavenly Lucy girl.
    Loves-I can't wait to someday meet you. (And you are wrong on something I felt I should correct you on, for the sake of all your other "followers". You are going to make backwoods bloggers like me mad, when you say you aren't a writer! Tell me why I feel as though I am one of your closest friends and confidonte never having met you and only "knowing" you through your writingson this blog? And as for photography come on you can do handstands AND splits while 7 months gestating! Do you even need anything else? Although your blog and pictures lag behind no ones.
    We are all still here reading right. I think that makes everything I've said right.....
    I hope you get feeling better-Natural Childbirth- YOU ARE MY HERO.

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  11. Hi Molly.
    I absolutely love you. You are one of the most beautiful people I know.(I can't wait to get to know you better when we come back to PC.) You inspire me and have put me in my place many times. I thank you!!! (of course in a wonderful way). I am so excited to meet your Peter. I was so envious of all of you mom to be's and new moms, that I went and got me a new baby too! Actually 2. bulldogs. I just know you're probably overjoyed to meet them haha. Thank you again.

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  12. I love you. For what it's worth, you've changed my life. Thanks for letting us help you, our Heavenly sister, pitiful little help that it is.

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  13. Molly-
    I feel like I have so little that I can add to what's already been said. I read your blog regularly and several friends of mine have found it too. Our hearts and prayers are with you-I'm afraid that's all I can do though I wish I could just take the pain away. I think about you often and pray for you nightly.
    Love you
    Laurel

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  14. I had all four of my children by natural childbirth. In those days (the 70's), if you didn't "go natural" you were considered a selfish mother! Seriously...there was a lot of peer pressure.

    Whatever the motivation, I'm glad I experienced the births unassisted by medication. I was surprised when my dil chose to do the same all three times. (For the first birth, I was able to be there with her.) What an incredibly exhilarating experience it is to come through all of that pain and wind up with a baby in your arms.

    I'm glad that your birthing day is drawing near for you. And I hope you are feeling much, much better very soon. Do take extra good care of yourself.

    =)
    Sue

    PS. I don't want the epidural ladies to think I am dissing them or anything. Having a baby is a lot of work any way you go about it...and a lot of reward.

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  15. Molly. I continue to pray for you and your family. I hope it is helpful, I hope you feel the power of prayers and I look forward to seeing your beautiful baby boy soon. Thank you for sharing...you needn't thank me for caring. You touch my heart.

    With love
    Diana

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  16. I don't think I have ever commented but felt so strongly to today. I have been following you blog for a while and have to say you completely amaze me, your writing is amazing. I'm so sorry you aren't feeling well, I can't imagine all that you are going through. I had the same illness with my last pregnancy and can't imagine grief on top of it. I will continue to pray for you that you will heal fast and be comforted through this trying time. You are absolutely beautiful, I hope I look as good as you in a couple months! As you get close to meeting your little Peter I will continue to cheer you on! What a joyous day it will be!

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  17. Molly,
    My friendship with Vic and Joy has taught me some lessons I will never forget. One of the most important is how to share and be comfortable with how you really feel, wether it is happy or sad loveing or painful. I will always be grateful for this lesson and I am so grateful that you share your story and your feelings with us because you are a inspiration to so many. My spirit grows each time I visit. Hope you are up and about soon.

    Jamie

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  18. You don't know me I came across your blog through Megan Jensen as you were going through this hard time, I have been following it ever scene, your daughter was beautiful! I just wanted to let you hear a song my cousin's husband wrote for my cousin to sing after they lost their little girl just three short weeks before delivery. It is a beautiful song that I loved to listen to while I was going through a miscarriage, the words are so powerful I think you would really love it, as you talk about music in your entries. It is located on my blog in the top right corner my address is jakeandchelsea.blogspot.com I hope you enjoy it. And I am so sorry for your loss.

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  19. You are amazing! I don't know what else to say!

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  20. Thank you for allowing us to be with you. As you write, you do that. Don´t think it doesn´t do anything. Maybe we can´t be there physically and don´t even know you in person, but we are there with you, crying with you, wanting to support you. Please don´t give up!

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  21. I think the most inspiring thing about your loss, is your ability to share it with us. Although we are unable to possibly understand the magnitude of your pain, we feel love for you and your sweet family. The words you express draw us to our knees, drive us for better and help us to become better mothers. I love the two blogs that you mentioned but I don't think that is the purpose of your blog. It's like you said before almost dying isn't the same as dying. Keep up what you are doing, there is a reason:)

    C.

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  22. Beautiful, just beautiful, what you have written, the analogy your sister-in-law wrote, just beautiful. I had never thought of it as an analogy like that before, but seems so true even through I can't say I know how you feel....I can feel you pain, just can't imagine the strength of it. I know you are strong and will make it through each day....I can't wait to meet baby Peter.....I just love that name....Thinking of you and Praying for....A friend in East Texas, Pam.

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  23. your posts are always beautiful, but this one particularly touched me. i have experienced that amazing process of natural childbirth and your sister-in-law could not have described it better. how wonderful to have caring loved ones to carry you through. i pray for you as well...

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  24. Molly your blogs are seriously the highlight of my day. They bring the spirit so strong. I cant relate to the child birthing process but it is amazing to hear it described like that. I cant wait to meet Peter. I'm going to love him so much! Just like I loved Lucy-goosey.

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  25. Molly - I know that I am just one of many that read your blog and yet do not know you. I share your faith and have grown so much through the feelings and thoughts that you have shared thru this blog.

    You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers since I began reading about your grief and trials last year but I never felt that I could comment because I didn't have a personal connection.

    In our meetings on Sunday we sang "How Firm a Foundation" and all I could think about was you and how you have put faith into every word of that beautiful song. You have shared that faith with us in your beautiful writings and I am strengthened.

    If my comments at all give you strength then I will comment and let you know that I am getting to know you and love you and cry with you and pray for you. I am unknown to you but this mother in WA has been praying for you and so uplifed by your example of endurance and trust in the "firm foundation" that we have been given! Thank you for letting us be a part of your life.

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  26. Thinking of you today...and sending my heart to be by your side.
    Love,
    Angela
    (Evan from Heaven's mom)

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  27. You are so amazing and in some strange way I feel I know you! You have inspired and helped me in ways you may not even know! Thank you! I share your faith and you helped me find my way and we were recently sealed eternally to our 3 beautiful baby girls! I am SO sorry (beyond words) for your loss. But thank you for being such an inspiration... your testimony has made my stronger! I cry out loud each time I read your wonderful words! Thank you for being so brave and honest...thank you for letting us in on your extraordinary life!
    You will be an amazing mother to Peter! How lucky he is to have such a strong mommy!

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  28. Hi Molly,
    I birthed 4 children naturally and 2 at home, including my Angel Evan. I was a little worried about doing a home birth so soon after Evan died (6 days), but my midwife, husband and mother supported me through it all. YOU CAN DO IT! I loved your post and analogy with birthing and grieving. The ring of fire really burns but the only way to make it go away is to push through it. Best wishes during these uncomfortable last days before birth.

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  29. Hola Molly, he seguido tu blog por varios meses despues de encontrarlo por casualidad. Solo queria decirle que tienes una fiel seguidora de tu blog colombiana.

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  30. I, too, have been following your blog. You are an amazing woman with a strength and spirit that continually inspires me to be a better person, and a better mother to my children. Lucy was a beautiful little girl. I want to thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences on this blog. You are making an impact in many lives. I pray for you and your family. Good luck with your upcoming birth. I am sure it will be an amazing experience.

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  31. "...Peter leaving his heavenly home and the arms of his sister and coming into the weak but willing arms of his mother..."

    This picture you painted is so vivid, and so utterly moving. It is the sentence that crumbled me to tears, as always happens when I visit your blog. I cannot wait for that day to receive you. Thank you for sharing this glimpse into your grief, it is truly helpful and necessary for "us" (your friends and followers) to understand where you are at and how we might help.

    Good luck in these last days of your pregnancy. Remember that you are about to receive your second of God's greatest gifts...

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  32. I want to leave a comment, but not read through everyone elses!

    I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your posts. I love to come and read about real things - not fluff. You express yourself way better than you think. You have a way of giving others a glimpse of your grief. It has stregthened my testimony and caused me to reflect on what I really believe. I thought about you in the temple last night - and about how I would feel in your situation. I thought about you and Vic and Lucy and about your eventual reunion. I really do believe God has a plan. I really do believe that someday, all wrongs will be made right. I really do.

    Please keep sharing. Yours is my favorite blog to read.

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  33. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your blog posts. I love to come here and read about real things - not fluff. You express yourself way better than I think most people could. You've caused me to think about my testimony and about what I really believe. I thought about you in the temple last night. I thought about how I would feel in your situation. I thought about you and Vic and Lucy and your eventual reunion. I believe God really does have a plan. I believe all wrongs will someday be made right. I really do.

    Please keep sharing. Yours is my favorite blog of all.

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  34. Ha Ha - nothing like double posting my comments! - Please only post one! -- But not this one!

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  35. What a beautiful photo of you and Lucy ~ I am sure she will be right there with you too.
    Thinking of you and sending much love, Tabitha XXXX

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  36. an amazing comparison INDEED.
    i too am going to attempt a natural- drug free birth. unfortunately i have a really lame 'midwife' (if you even want to call her that, she isn't living up to the title AT ALL) and so all i have is my husband and the Lord to help me through it.
    i hope that your birth experience is miraculous... and who knows? what if we really are in rooms close by? :)

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  37. I found your blog through a friends and I wanted to say: Thanks-you. I am a mother of a two year old girl who has been quite challenging lately and I haven't been the best mom (or the kindest) I have been feeling like I need a break- and I am at school half the day....! I so needed to have a reality check and to realize how much I love her and how grateful I should be. I am so sorry for your loss of Lucy. I have literally been bawling my eyes out and I don't even know you guys. Thank-you for your spirit and for your faith, it has truly made me a better person and I hope a better mother. I haven't felt the spirit like I am right now for a long time and I am so thankful for your words and your courage. She was beautiful... You are a great mother and I wish you well with your new little son!

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  38. That picture of you holding Lucy just after she was born is precious. I remember how excited you were when you called me, and I was so glad I could come to the hospital that day and hold her. Thanks for letting me do that. She was one of the most beautiful babies I had seen, and it made me so excited to get started with our own family. Love you, can't wait to see you at your shower!

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  39. Molly ~ I think you're just amazing.

    Lucy is often in my thoughts and I so look forward to the day to 'meet' her baby brother.

    I wish I knew what else to say but there really is nothing I can say.

    xxx

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  40. Smolls, when you get a minute, check my blog, there's a special shout out to you, and your unparalleled matchmaking abilities. :)

    Love you!
    I hope you're feeling better soon!

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  41. John 16: 21
    A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world.


    Ps. 30: 5
    For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

    ----

    Yes, akin to "only a moment", and yet something to look forward to.

    BTW, there is a link to "Angels Among Us", but it is private. Is this something I could become a part of? We buried our son, Dominic, in 2001 and his sister, Bridget in 2007 (six years and one day later). So we have two "angels". Sorry if it's inappropriate to ask in comments. I'm not very good with social etiquettes.

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  42. I found your blog through a friend. You are so inspiring. I have five children - two of which I had naturally, and I beleive you have found it. The pattern of creation. The earth was created in "contractions" - we grow in "contractions" It is shadow and type of how we grow to become like Christ. Earthly events like yours, are huge "contractions" that if we let them propel us toward the Savior. Suffering is sanctifing and sacred. You are such a blessing.

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  43. All of us are getting stronger holding up our little tiny corner of your grief. God knows we probably aren't the ones to bare such a burden...yet. we are too weak. But to get to taste in small bits yours...it allows us to "morn with those that morn" and taste of the sorrow that will someday be ours in some way or another (today, tomorrow, when we are 90). You are teaching us how to live through trials with grace and faith. What an amazing instructor you are and will continue to be.

    And natural childbirth!?!?! I am crossing my legs just thinking about it ;) ---Mindy

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  44. Joy says it so well. Though I dont know much about how child birth feels, I can relate to this analogy and the pain I felt for lucy, and you. I wish I could do more, but I just stand by your side as you feel the full force. Though you may feel it as strong as ever, you are not alone.

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  45. Sorry, that was from Amy, although Steve (shb) loves you too! We think of you and pray for you often.

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  46. Sweet post. And so true. I'm excited you're going to work through labor naturally. It was SO much better with Ireland that way.
    We did miss you at the party, but I totally understand. I'm sure you're busy getting ready for baby Peter, anyway, even if you weren't sick. I hope you're feeling much better now.
    I haven't seen an invite to your shower. Is it up in Park City?

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  47. Sweet Molly,
    You don't know me but I stumbled upon your blog and since that day my heart has truly ached for you and your husband. I have really questioned myself about whether or not I should post something. I didn't know if the words of a stranger could offer you any sort of solace but I have felt the continued promptings of the spirit to share with you a journal entry that I wrote a couple of months ago. I have not been blessed with a family of my own and I don't pretend to even know how deep your grief is. Just know that I pray for you several times a day.

    Here's the entry:

    October 30, 2008
    So I work with a guy that lost his right arm in a machinery accident. When he woke up that day, he didn't know that his life would be forever changed. He has managed to heal and have a fairly normal life. I say fairly because how normal can your life really be when you don't have an arm. He goes to work, has a family, experiences all of life's joys and sorrows. I'm sure that he is past the point that he still "feels" his arm and that the loss of it no longer consumes his every waking thought and more often than naught haunts his dreams with a clarity that's staggering. That is...until he reaches for something out of habit without conscience thought or planning. He is shocked once again that he is missing a limb and that as well as he functions without it...he will never be whole again. He sees normal, everyday people walking around with two functioning limbs and never once thinking that something could happen to change that. It's not their fault. They haven't known any different. And yet...there's still the desire to cry out to them "Don't take it for granted! Cherish the feeling of completeness that you have because you never know when one day it may be lost to your forever". He finds himself feeling all these irrational feeling of envy, bitterness, longing...and basically every other petty emotion known to man. It really is unfair to these poor people because they are doing nothing more than living their lives as best they can. They have trials and sadness unseen to the naked eye and just because his trial is physical and on display for all the world to see doesn't make it any more or any less real than theirs. Five years ago today at about this time, my dear, sweet sister was lost to me forever. I have managed to life my life and experience joy and sorrow. The grief no longer consumes my every thought. I can go for spans of time and not reach out for in thoughts or actions. But then...I forget and something happens. Something really big or something really small. It doesn't really matter but without conscience thought I reach for the phone and in that second the reality that I will never talk to her again in this life is staggering. The grief hits like you were sucker punched. You didin't see it coming. You were just going about your day doing your thing. I find myself so jealous of those with close realationships with their sisters that it's almost unbearable. I constanly have to fight the urge to cry out "Don't take it for granted. Cherish each other and love each other only as sisters can." It's not their fault that they live in a would untouched by tragedy. They did nothing to deserve my bitterness. I was exactly the same and still am in many aspects of my life. And yet it exists just as my fear that I will never feel whole again does. I will live my life. I will have joy and sorrow. I will function and have a fairly normal life. And I say fairly normal because how normal can your life really be when you a missing a piece of your heart. I know without a shadow of a doubt that we will be together again. I know that it will be a joyful reunion. But..until that day...my heart aches for the sounds of her laughter, and tears, and sweet, spunky personality.

    Molly, I pray for only the best things for you and your family. Thank you so very much for sharing so much of yourself with strangers. It truly is an act of service to those who have also lost loved ones.
    Many Prayers and Love, Angie Hill

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  48. Hi Molly and Vic:

    You don't know me but you have been in my thoughts and prayers for many months and I think of you nearly daily. I pray for your continued recovery from your loss, and also a sustained clear memory of your angel. I just felt such a strong compassion for you as I sat in Sacrament Meeting this morning that I wanted to write and tell you so. Heavenly Father is holding you both firmly in His arms of Love. Bless you!!!

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  49. Molly,

    I don't know if you remmeber me, but we went to school together? I just stumbled onto your blog and I haven't been able to stop reading for hours. I am truly sorry for your loss. Lucy is amazing! You and Vic are so amzing and strong to share your loss with others. Thanks for your honesty and inspiration!

    My prayers are with you,

    Adrienne (Gunn) Hansen

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  50. Hi Molly,

    I noticed you haven't posted for a couple of weeks. I hope you are well. I checked in today and saw the picture of you with your beautiful newborn Lucy. 16 years ago today I gave birth to my daughter (after the loss of her sister 18 months to the day previously) she was an amazing gift and still is (although I'm not sure if I'm ready for the dating and the driving). I'll be looking forward to hearing about the arrival of your little guy. I wish you the very, very best.

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  51. Molly,
    You don't know me and I've never actually commented before, although I have followed your blog since your precious Lucy passed away. I just wanted you to know how much you've changed my life. You are so inpspiring to me...the way you express what is truly in your heart, your words are beautiful. I'm so glad that you are open enough to share your inner most feelings through your blog. Your family has taught me so much and Lucy's memory here on earth will never be forgotten because of the love you have for her. I am a mother of four little ones, (6,5,3,7mo.), all very close and somedays it feels overwhelming. But your words always inspire me to be better and to enjoy every moment. I will never forget you or Lucy. The lessons I have learned from your eternal family will always be with me. I will never let a day go by without telling my loved ones just how much they mean to me. Thank you. Thank you so very much for being such an example to me and for reminding me of the love our Heavenly Father has for all of us. You truly are amazing to me.

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  52. Molly,

    I stumbled upon your blog a few months ago--through a link on a friends page...

    I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that you must feel and I wish, so deeply that I had something to offer you that would help you in your journey.

    I had a thought to offer to you after reading this post--and while it may not do for you, what it did for me.....I would still like to share it.

    I had two children, completely natural...the first one (which followed a very painful miscarriage) was a longer, more drawn out process (my son came so quickly that I almost didn't know what was happening)....but something that I kept telling myself through the entire experience, somehow eased the pain or at least helped me to endure it... with each contraction I would remind myself that 'this is temporary... and this too shall pass'-- and it would; each contraction, one at a time.

    Somehow, not only knowing--but reminding myself, with each difficult moment, that 'this isn't permanent--I can endure anything if I know it's going to end--even if I don't know when' helped me to get through it.

    While I was actually in labor, it felt like hours....even days almost....but as soon as she was born, it was almost as though--none of it had ever happened....it was over too quickly...

    That must sound so crazy....even ridiculous, maybe. But once she was born, and I looked back on the experience, I wished over and over again--that I hadn't wished it away....that I hadn't wanted the end result to come so quickly....I wished that I had embraced the experience--in all of it's pain and discomfort--because it was temporary (much like this life), and in order for the pain that goes along with giving birth to go away completely--the beautiful experience itself, also had to come to a close...

    You'll do wonderful....don't wish it away...while the end result and having your baby in your arms is as you know, the most amazing gift you could ever imagine... the journey of making it happen--is also amazing.

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  53. Molly, wow. The impact you are having on so many lives is amazing. It's humbling just to read it and I hope you and Vic have moments when you can sense all the good that you offer people and how you are an instrument for God, a vehicle for His love. You guys are amazing and you write beautifully. Beautifully.

    What I want to say about natural childbirth is that YOU CAN DO IT. You are already doing the hardest thing on earth right now. I know you want this and I believe in you.

    On childbirth as a metaphor for all of life, a great friend shared this talk with me by Elder Bruce C. Hafen: http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=12148 about moving from darkness to light, which is exactly what we do in birth, and if we choose, what we're doing all our lives. You help so many people move toward light, Molly, as you are moving forward with your faith and willingness to open your heart and share. Your blog gives all of us such great gifts.

    Love you!

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  54. Your Blog makes me realize to not take a single second for granted with my girls. I have noticed that since reading your blog, whenever I get ready to yell or fuss at my girls I stop and think of Lucy and your family. I then smile and tell them that I love them and then correct. Thank you so much for helping me and my girls have a better relationship. You see...Lucy is helping my family. Thanks!!!

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  55. Hi Molly,
    I stumbled across your blog through a friends and I had to comment. You are such a inspiration to me. No, I am not yet a mother and can't even imagine the pain you may feel, but my heart goes out to you and your precious family. Thank you for sharing your blog and I'm looking forward to reading about little baby Peter.
    You are in my prayers.

    Melissa

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  56. Molly, A friend told me about your blog- withing seconds I was teary-eyed, the Spirit from just reading your blog is amazing, I love the faith and hope and love that emanates from the words of you and your husband. Like Trisha said, you're a stranger I could be friends with!" I hope (know) your little boy will be such an aid in your healing; your friend was so wise saying it would be a kind of birth. Congratulations on your Easter miracle!

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