Making Room

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The difficult task of packing up Lucy's things was tackled on Thursday of last week. Both sets of her grandparents were there to provide support to her mommy and daddy. It wasn't easy. But I felt like it was necessary for our growth and symbolic in so many ways of moving forward. I feared so deeply that it would be like saying goodbye all over again. And in some ways it was. And it hurts.

Vic and I took some time alone in her room before inviting our parents to join us upstairs. We took photos, cried, poured over shoes and clothing, and talked about the whens - the memories we cling to now. It was heart wrenching. Finding clothes and shoes that she was supposed to grow into was particularly painful. When the time was right, Nana and Papa, Grandma and Grandpa joined us for a prayer in her sweet little room. The room in which we rocked her to sleep, performed (rather than read) Barnyard Dance, kissed her as many times as she would let us, watched her breathing peacefully in her sleep, got her dressed in the most adorable clothes (90% or more hand-me-downs from Tokako Jackson, Cynthia Washington, and Jen Hunt--the absolute cutest things with which to drape the cutest girl ever to be born), and every other spectacular event that takes place in your child's bedroom. (Diaper changing, laughing, tantrums, playing, squealing, running naked).

Although we lived in this house only 2 1/2 weeks before Lucy returned home, her room is still her room. Her bright pink bedding (aptly named the "Lucy Line") and decorations still such a part of her whole life, no matter here or there (condo or house). And even though they are just "things", things that you can't take with you when you die, they are the only physical things we have left to cling to on earth that encapsulate all that is our little Lucy. They belong in the open air, being spit on and cleaned up, cuddled and played with, dragged through the mud and left in the car--always reminding us that Lucy lives and messes things up and enlivens our senses. But instead they are in a plastic tote. Just like her body is in a perfectly tragic white casket. It isn't right and it isn't fair. But through prayer I am hoping to be told that for some reason it is "all right" and "alright" and it was right for her to leave. It was the plan and it was His way. Brief moments have come, but until that complete day of peace and acceptance that I hope for, I long to rip open the boxes and the grave, fling things about and shake my fists at the heavens. But since I control myself and don't do that, the ripping and the screaming take place in my heart and day after day I try to pick up the pieces.

Nana Bice offered the prayer, and as has become a habit for me, I opened my eyes and watched the others in the room. I love to study faces and body language, especially while a prayer is being offered. It teaches me a lot about a person. (And I like to wonder what they are thinking. Am I crazy?) To my left side, right next to the crib was my sweet husband. Shaking. Shoulders, arms, head--shaking. Tears running down his cheeks. I had to look away for a moment and breathe, but looked back again hoping to telepathically communicate to him how much I love him. He later told me his instinct at that moment was to crawl under the crib and just stay there. It seemed like the only possible solution to the pain. Just stay there and hide and never come out to face the world. Safe beneath Lucy's protection, nothing to be moved or changed. Oh Vic, I'm so sorry your precious daughter is gone. I see her in your face everyday.

Eventually the task at hand started to feel just like work and I was able to detach myself for a while. Placing things in "future sister" box, "give away" box and "Lucy's special trunk", never to be worn by another sibling and always kept safe and treasured box. We have yet to find the perfect vintage/old world/wooden trunk/chest for these last things (her blanky, her blessing dress, her favorite pairs of shoes, etc). But we will.

And this is my mom's advice: Don't think of it as saying goodbye to Lucy. Think of it as making room for Peter.

And this is my fear: That my grief will hinder me from loving him fully. That my heart won't be able to expand after all the hurt. That I won't be able to give him the fun, crazy, hyper, silly, singing, dancing, back flips in the backyard mommy that I gave to Lucy.

We could have chosen to put Peter in the guest room and made Lucy's room the third bedroom. But one day while standing in her room, we knew he needed to be in her sacred space. Use her same crib and dresser (which was mine as a young girl). The walls have been re-painted with the help of Jane Greer and Charlotte Charles, gifts and hand-me downs of blue have been filling the drawers. But I still wonder: How will I do it? I sometimes wonder how long he will live. I lye in bed at night and imagine his birth over and over and over again and the subsequent months following. The lack of sleep, the fear and anxiety...I'm scared. I'm so scared.

But I'm trying to make room. And I hear that magic happens when you fear it's not possible. That your heart loves another child again just as much as the first.

Perfectly petite and girly. Absolutely nothing more stunning or delicious than seeing her in these dresses.

Her favorite doll. "Mommy Fly."

Her favorite pairs of "cute shoes".

Some of her favorite things.

The dress she was wearing the Sunday she choked.

Her mommy missing her.


  1. I am sobbing as I sit here reading this. How incredibly heart breaking to have to pack her things away. I have a hard time giving my kids clothes away, because it means they are moving on to a new stage, and will never be in that stage again. I know it must be agonizing doing what you did. I pray that you will find that peace that you are searching for, that you deserve. I do have to say this, I completely believe you will love Peter with all your heart. You will love him different than Lucy, but every bit as much. You know how precious life is, and I am sure you will go forward with the love in your heart, that you have given to Vic and Lucy. My prayers are still with you Molly, and Vic.

  2. I knew this day would come but it is still so hard to think about not having a "place" to go and be surrounded by things of Lucy.

    Her tree now.

  3. Sending my love to you Molly and Vic..I remember the feelings I had putting Aaron's things away..Bless you both, love will be there for your Peter it is a special new love to have in your heart..
    Love, Aunt Linda

  4. Thank you for sharing this. It breaks my heart, and even though this life is "but a moment," it sure feels like forever sometimes. As a mother of two, I agree with Jennie's comment above: you will love Peter just as much, but you will love him differently. It's the most amazing thing... different but equal. Your love for him won't replace or even infringe upon your love for Lucy, but will instead complement and fortify it. May you be blessed with peace soon!

  5. I need some kleenex! Your little Lucy is a pretty special girl! I cry over her at a drop of a hat. I am an OB nurse and I helped deliver a 19week little baby that developed without a brain. He would never be able to survive without the help of his mom's body. The mom was young and everything was kind of thrown at her all at once. I tried to help her take in everything that was happening. I sat with her and watched her hold her little 'Zachery'. I thought of your family. The grieving process that has to take place is so unbearable at times and can't be easy. That poor mom doesn't know of the hard road that is ahead of her. I don't know why I told you that...except I think of you often and I pray for your happiness. Thank you for sharing.

  6. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, questions, fears, and hopes. HOPE is what has walked with you this far and HOPE will continue to pull you along. I appreciate the photos of some of Lucy's *favorite things* and her sweet little room. I feel priviledged to have been in that room and felt the warmth & love that rests peacefully there. It will be the best place for little Peter to fall asleep and dream of his sister Lucy.

    I am sending you big hugs, my heart breaks all over again everytime I think of your hurt and loss.

  7. Oh, Molly, I'm so sorry. What a heavy thing to do. I miss Lucy so much and I haven't even met her. I can't imagine what you and Vic are going through. You are still in my prayers.

  8. I am just... a big mess right now and the sole thing I can say is that I wish... I could... hold you. And tell you everything... would be ok.

    I am so so sorry Miss Molly. And Vic. And Peter.

  9. Lucy is beautiful. I am so sorry about your loss. I know you have heard this so many times but inthe depths of my heart I am truly sorry. I came across your blog through other blogs and I think about your little Lucy often. She is absolutely breathtaking and I know she will be with you and your new little guy every step and every moment.

    God bless your sweet little family

  10. I've started writing something and deleted it a few times now, nothing looking right. I guess since I'm expecting, too, I wonder sometimes how I will feel about Z's baby sister, if we'll bond like Z and I have, if my closeness with Z will change...but I've thought of you along the way, wondering how you must be feeling as you get closer, and this post answered that. I just - I don't know what to write, but thank you again for letting us in on this difficult and sacred moment.

  11. Molly,
    You don't know me...but I am one of the MANY people (I'm sure) who check your blog regularly:)

    Until now, I have never known quite what to say.

    The picture of Lucy at the top Left of your blog is so precious. I LOVE clicking the link to your blog and seeing that beautiful baby. I sooo much look up to you and have loved getting to know your family. I am a friend of Chelsea's..who knows your friend Leslie Hurst I believe.

    You have to know... I have read EVERY post of your entire blog. I have spent hours praying for you and crying my heart out. This summer I took my little guy on a walk and we walked and walked and cried for 3 hours thinking about what you've had to endure. You are such a strength and an example of hope for me.

    I have a son who is almost exactly Lucy's age. I also have a husband who works as an attorney in Riverdale. I often try and imagine life in your shoes...and would hope that I could do it with half as much grace.

    You are beautiful. You are so strong....and I am so excited for you to have another baby!

    I have looked and looked but never commented...yet, this post made me want to re-assure you that people are amazed at your testimony and ability to "deal" with life's trials. My heart aches for you.

    That last picture just about did me in!

    You are always in my prayers. Lucy is sooo stinking adorable...and I love to watch her video clips. What an angel...and thanks for sharing.

  12. I am sorry that it was so hard for you. I am sure it is for anyone who has to go through that. My aunts baby died last January and she hasn't cleaned out Mia's room yet. I think she still wants to believe that she is there. But she is pregnant again. I can't even imagine going through what you and she have gone through. I am incredibly sorry. I will pray for you.

  13. What a tough thing. I can only imagine... and it is not something I want to do.

    Both of you amaze me.

    Your courage and strength present in each post about Lucy. More than that your eternal love for her.


  14. Oh, Molly.

    Amazingly enough, I am without words.


    Molly - *hugs*

  15. How difficult that day had to be, i hope that you were provided with the spirit and love of your Heavenly Father and your lovely daughter Lucy. My wife and i follow your blog and i dont think a day goes by that we dont remember Lucy, and the effect her short life has had on our family. Please know we are greatful for your family and your strength. Our life has been changed and is better because of her life. My children might not know but will someday thank you, because we are better parents because of your example.


    The Evans Family (Jimmy, Melissa, Seth and Sarah)

  16. Not an easy task. I'm glad you had family there to support you. ((HUGS))

  17. Hi Molly,

    As you know, I was pregnant with Ben when Esther died and I had so many fears I never had experienced before. I remember the day before I went into labor just crying that I needed more time before he joined our family. I felt like my heart was hurting so much and it just wasn't ready to feel the happiness and joy that I really wanted to feel when our baby arrived.

    I fell in love with Ben just as quickly as I did all the others. But it honestly has been a little different welcoming a baby after loosing one. I would often cry as I fed him in the middle of the night, just remembering what it felt like to hold Esther. I worry more about him than I ever did with my others. And it hurt to think when he was 4 months old, that I was half-way through my time with Esther at that point in her life. There were a lot of different emotions I experienced with him that didn't occur with the others. But I certainly love him just at much as them.

    And I realized something that I hadn't even thought of before. I realized that I really needed him. That he had been sent to help me, to help my heart open up again, to help me feel happy again, to help me enjoy life again. I felt like my grief was easier to bear after he was born. By no means has he been a replacement. But he has helped me remember a lot of happy moments with Esther that I had forgotten. I remember now how I loved to leave her socks off just to see her cute little toes throughout the day. I remember all the time spend cuddling just because they are too precious to put down. I remember how excited I felt over every new thing she learned. And it felt really good to remember such happy times. I was happy to let those memories replace the tragic ones from the day she passed away.

    Anyway, this is long - but I understand that this is new territory for your broken heart and it is a scary thing. You just can't anticipate how you will feel and how your heart will handle it all. I hope that Peter can be a source of comfort to you. I hope he will want to do nothing but cuddle all day and help his mommy's heart heal a little.

    With love,

  18. Miss Molly, I added the following to my FB page:
    Happy Moments:Praise God
    Difficult Moments:Seek God
    Quiet Moments:Worship God
    Painful Moments:Trust God
    Every Moment:Thank God
    My heart aches for you and I pray that you will sense God's presence through the prayers of many.

  19. Oh Molly, my heart aches for you! You will be the mother you were to Lucy and so much more. You are an amazing woman. You have so much love to give and Peter will know it and feel it.


    P.S. We are coming to Utah the first week of April... I hope I get to see you and maybe Peter?!

  20. I think I would be under that crib also.
    Thank you for sharing this painful experience with the rest of us, and having the courage to take photos. It certainly helps me appreciate ALL of the time I have with my family a little more.

    You will be just what Peter needs. I think the bond between a mother and son is different than that of mother and daughter, but yours will truly be special.

    I'm praying that those moments of peace for you are extra long.

  21. Molly,
    Thank you for the sweet card.
    As alway's your words are so touching and your feelings so real.
    My heart is breaking for you.
    Praying for you and Vic alway's.

  22. Sorry Comment #2-
    By the way I love your new blog look. My husband raved on and on about how nice your handwriting is...(and he is even straight!)
    I can't wait to see what and who your little Peter looks like. You still look so hot and total rock the shirtdress look. (is that what they are called?)

  23. I continue to be in awe of the grace with which you and Vic handle this difficult test.

    I am touched by your sweetness, tenderness, and your love for your daughter, unborn son, and your Savior.

    I ache for you both and for the pain you experience as you endure this load you are called to bear.

    I feel blessed to "peek" in on your sacred journey. I have been changed for good because of you.

    I continue to pray for you daily...out loud and in my heart.

  24. Molly,
    First of all, I'm so sorry. There are no other words. Thank you for sharing such a painful milestone. You handled it beautifully & I'm sure Lucy & Peter were there every step of the way. Praying for you always, Kass :)
    p.s. Let me know when & where you find one of those trunks as we are still looking for one for Brigg's things and it has been 3 years.

  25. Molly & Vic, My heart is heavy for you and such an incredibly hard task. It takes me back to the same day 6 months after my Mia left. So so hard. I remember all too well the day I put her things in the keepsake box. 5 years later, thinking about it still hurts.

    You two are so incredible. Lucy picked great parents. It was so fun to meet and visit with you this past weekend. Thank you for your spirit and sharing your story with all of us. I felt an overwhelming sense of love in the room. My best to you with your new little Peter.

    All my love and thoughts, Nicole Holland - Mia's mom ^i^

    P.S. You will be so glad that you kept these records even though it is hard. I wish I would've written more of my thoughts and feelings.

  26. Thank you for this post and this insight to what you and Vic are facing right now. I admire you both for being so strong, brave, and wise. When I see that crib I think of the baby powder incident when Lucy was dusted all over in white. Those memories will never leave or be replaced but simply added unto. God bless you both as you "make room" for Peter.

  27. Molly-

    The very fact that you are making room for Peter physically in what was once Lucy's room testifies to this absolute truth: that you will be able to make room for him in your heart as well.

    In neither case will one child displace the other. The heart holds its sweet remembrances and memories as surely as that beautiful trunk you have yet to find will.

    Love is a miracle, isn't it? Like the wedding wine in the New Testament, the more it is poured out, the more it is replenished. And like the loaves and fishes, the more your stores are emptied, the more they are filled.

    Finally, run don't walk to my web site ( and listen to the "Gift of Peace" I posted today. For me, it was profoundly touching...and healing.

    Hugs to you.

  28. I weep with you and your loving husband! I am so so so sorry for your pain and loss. I know you are being held tightly right now in the embrace of our Heavenly Father. Even though we have never met I can say I love you and your husband and little Lucy. I also already have a love for Peter, he must be such an amazing spirit to be coming to such loving parents. God bless you!

  29. Wow Molly, you guys are so strong. I thought I understood before I had my Ethan, but reading this after I have him hear, I realize that there was no way to understand the love of a mother, and there is no way to understand the pain. You write so beautifully Molly, you are very talented. Peter is going to be one lucky boy. I love you!!!

  30. Molly- my heart just aches for you. I knew this time would be coming and I can't imagine how difficult it has been for you. Lucy was such an amazing little girl, and you are wonderful parents. Little Peter must be a very special boy to be coming to your home.

  31. My heart ache's for you guys.

  32. Molly,
    I read your post last night and just wept for you. I couldn't I decided to send you my love and prayers for you.
    Angela (Evan from Heaven's mom)

  33. I honestly don't know what to write. I'm in tears, and my heart hurts. Just know that I'm praying for you and your sweet family.

  34. I too sobb as I read this post. What a hard thing to do! I am so sorry you have to continually go through the pain. I am so glad both of your parents were able to be there to help, and I'm sure little lucy was too. I hope you find the PERFECT chest for Lucy's special things, and that having a room for Peter will bring happiness and excitement for this new baby. There is nothing better. ps your new blog and header looks great!

  35. The magic WILL come when you need it, thanks to a higher power and oxytocin. We're still praying for you!

  36. Molly & Vic,
    I just cried and cried and I'm sending comforting loving thoughts and prayers your way. I'm extremely amazed you both.

  37. Molly,
    You never cease to amaze me (you too Vic) I am sorry for the pain you face every minuted of every day! We love you guys and hope you feel like you can call if you ever need anything!

  38. Molly,

    Thinking of you and praying for you. Peter will never replace Lucy but will heal your heart in so many ways. I look forward to holding my own sweet baby in April, knowing he is straight from my Dad's arms.

    You give me courage. Thank you for sharing.

  39. Hello you two- I have spent the last hour getting caught up on your blog. Laughing, crying. You are both phenomenal writers. Do something with your talent. Something big. You are wonderful and we have thought of you so often. You are so courageous. Congratulations on this baby boy on his way. What a special spirit. We need to see you guys!

  40. Molly and Vic,

    Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. Thanks for sharing the hard stuff with us; I know it must be so hard for you, but your posts are just so beautiful.

    Melissa S.

  41. What a sacred experience. I love that you are keeping a special box of Lucy's things that will be sacred just to her. Peter will no doubt feel Lucy's arms aroudn him while he sleeps in her bed.

    I was going to email you, but I was wondering if anyone in the ward has offered to give you a shower for Peter. I would love to host one at my house if you would like, if you don't mind driving to Heber. If someone has already offered, would you please make sure to add me to the invite list? I'd love to see you and celebrate the soon to be arrival of sweet Peter.

    I love you.

  42. Molly,

    Every time I read one of your posts like this, I feel compelled to write something amazing. Something that will somehow ease your burden but then I realize, I have no such words. How could I possibly? There is absolutely nothing I can do to help you.

    It's a terrible feeling, when my nothingness is realized, but I love what happens next....sweet peace from the spirit that testifies, "It is just a moment". Thank you for helping me remember. I hope you will enjoy a similar, lasting peace someday very, very soon.


  43. Molly and Vic, you'll don't know me, but I have been reading your blog for a while now and I am so impressed with your writing, parenting, strength, and most of all your faith. I have three grown children on this earth with me, have been very blessed. With the birth of each child came a love like no other, each one very special in their own way and each one very different. My oldest has the name of Peter......what a perfect name for a perfect little boy. Even though we have another son, Peter was truly our Rock, he is and our foundation. I don't know why I felt to write today, but I want you'll to know I think of you'll and Lucy....what a beautiful family you'll have! A friend in East Texas, Pam.

  44. Molly,

    Thank you for sharing the photos of Lucy's "cute" shoes and adorable dresses. I can't even imagine how hard it was for you to pack up all Lucy's earthly possessions. I can't ever read your blog without tears running my cheeks. I know that somehow a miracle will take place and you will love baby Peter just as much you love Lucy and you will be a wonderful mother to him. An older and wiser mother of course, but still a fun and crazy mommy too. I love the name Peter because my brother who is one of my best friends is named Peter. Molly, you are gorgeous in the bottom photo even with red eyes from all the crying.
    Love and virtual hugs,

  45. As always, I'm thinking of you and praying for you. It saddens me that you have to carry such a heavy burden, but I am also looking forward to little Peter's arrival.

  46. We send all the love possible, from one mother and family to another!
    Your strength, courage and determination to love this sweet coming spirit will be worth it, and without a doubt, he has known what has transpired, and his spirit is prepared and anxious to be with your family.
    He is aware of what has occurred, and that is exactly why he has chosen your family!
    When you are surrounded by the trees, you can't see the forest, but the rest of us have complete confidence and no doubt about both your abilities to love and be fabulous parents again!
    All our love!
    Friends of a friend, the Sanders Family

  47. first of all, i love the new page look.
    second of all, thank you for sharing such a sacred and heart wrenching experience. my heart hurts for you and i know that you will be the best parents in the world for little peter.
    i will put your name in the temple when i go next week... that you can find peace and answers and courage.
    i am glad you arent tackling it alone.

    thanks again.

  48. This comment has been removed by the author.

  49. Molly,

    You don't know you but I found your blog a few months ago through a mutual friend. I have been captivated every since. I have not lost and child and have no idea how people survive it. I am so so sorry for your loss. I have a son that is close to Lucy's age and I think about you and her all the time. More than I would have ever thought that I could think about 2 people I have never met. I also have a 5 year old little boy with autism that makes me constantly wonder just how close he is to Heavenly Father. I wonder why the Lord chooses certain people to be somewhat exempted from this life for some reason or another. There is something about your daughter that is so celestial that she got to skip this life and live hers in heaven. I don't mean to ramble and I know this isn't profound, I just wanted you to know that although you and your husband are in the midst of the hardest time in your life, you are touching so many lives. I am moved by your strength and wisdom. Shortly after my son was diagnosed, my bishop said "with great challenge and sacrifice comes great blessings in time.(nowhere near what you are going through) but it still offers peace. I pray for you and hope that you and Vic will find the peace needed. By the way, even though I have never met you guys, I know you are wonderful parents. It doesn't take much to see that. And, you will instantly love your little boy as if you have loved him your entire lives. Thank you.

  50. Hi Molly & Vic:

    That's a great "baby bump" you have going on there :)

    I have been following your blog the past fews months and your ability to share both your pain and your faith in the future is amazing. Lucy is just as cute as a button!

    I was watching a TV show last night & thought of you. I have a medical background but learned something I didn't know before and wanted to share with you in case you aren't already aware of it.

    A man and his wife were watching a TV movie. She was munching on some dry Harvest Crunch cereal when, all of a sudden, she started to choke. The husband slapped her on the back and then ran to get her some water. To make a long story short, she was rushed to hospital but was unable to be revived.

    To compound the tragedy, her husband was tried and convicted of her murder and spent the next 12 years incarcerated while trying to clear his name.

    It seems the attending Medical Examiner felt the morsel of cereal was too small to have totally occluded her airway. Add to that the physical trauma of over 2 hours of resusitation attempts and he (the M.E.) concluded that she had been sufficated/strangled by her husband.

    This is the part I found very interesting: When he was finally granted an appeal, the M.E. for the defence detailed how the body can sometimes over-react to a foreign body in the airway and actually collapse the airway. He went on to say that, in these cases, the size or weight of the foreign body is of no consequence - that it could even happen with a feather! I can't remember if there was a name for this phenomanon.

    Please know that I share this with you in the sincere hope that it not dredge up bad memories but rather comfort you to know that even a small seed can cause this to happen.

    Wishing you well as you prepare to welcome your new son....

    As a mom of 4, I can promise you that you will love this child (and any who follow) with the same fierceness with which you loved your sweet Lucy.

  51. "i sometimes wonder how long [peter] will live." my heart broke when i read this ... i am confident, having read your blog, and knowing of you through shared friends (i was in LA some of the time vic was) that your love and faith will have peter living just as lucy does - eternally. i wish i could promise you that nothing would prevent you from parenting him to adulthood and beyond, but you know better than most that such a promise is not possible. i do, however wish you an increase of peace and faith in this one small part of your grief. as has been said, thank you for your courage and openess in sharing these challenges with us - i hope it helps you even a little bit as much as it impacts other for good!

  52. Molly,
    what a beautiful post. I cried with you as I read it. Even without losing a child I too was concerned whether I could love another child as much as my first. Our hearts are amazing things. They can grow beyond our wildest imagination. You and Vic have been on my mind and in my heart all week since reconnecting with Vic last week. Words can't express everything I feel in my heart. I hope to have a chance to see you in person.
    Many blessings,

  53. So hard. I loved what your mom said about simply making room for Peter. And I loved what Vic said about wanting to crawl under the crib and those feelings. I was reading a Newsweek article and they had a picture of a simple funeral in Zimbabwe. I look at death so differently now. I was trying to see the family, the crying, the emotion, but it was just a picture of digging with vague shadows of people in the background. I know there has to be so much to that story! It made me crazy thinking about it. Death means so much more to me after this.

  54. I just can't even imagine the pain you both must feel.

    I'm truly sorry.

    V x

  55. Hugs to you. I wish I could ease the pain somehow...but I feel it to, have felt it, and to a degree, will always feel it. So you have my prayers and my thoughts.

  56. Yesterday I was called after someone's house burned down to go do a needs assessment. I took them some of Ben's clothes he had left for me to dispose of, along with a letter jacket that had been given us. Their son's letter jacket had burned in the fire. While there, somehow I brought up your loss, in which the mom said " that puts this in perspective, I think. " I wasn't trying to do that really. The mom's brother had said his daughter,named Molly, had just finished reading the Twilight Series, and I was here at your blog to find him the link to your friend's video. They are not members of the church, although the dad is. ( I had never met him til that night, when he arrived home.) Life is full of joy and despair. The reasons for joy and despair are as numerous as the people that feel them. Some things are worse than others, but all things of despair fill our emotional tanks in the moment. And as you have said...HOPE is what makes way for the next better thing. Faith is the power behind it. Love is everything. The Savior is the Source. Your love for the Savior and Vic and Peter and Lucy and LIFE, will keep your faith and hope moving forward. We are happy that Peter is on his way to your hearts and home...hovering at your window. Love you ALL, the other Aunt Linda

  57. Molly- so much to say and think about from your posts. from personal trials, miracles do still happen, and I know that will be your experience when your son is born. Of course you have fears right now, but your heart and lives will be blessed when he arrives...

  58. Oh I just want to give you a hug! I miss you and my heart is hurting for you guys. Some of the most sacred experiences I have ever had are also some of the most heart wrenching. I am guessing that was the case with making room for Peter.

    Love you guys.

  59. I love reading your blog. You are truly amazing!! I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, it makes me weep!
    While I have no idea how painful it is to lose a child, I struggled when I was pregnant with my 2nd baby. I had your exact same fears. I never thought I'd ever have enough room in my heart to love another as much as my first. I was so scared when we got to the hospital & it came time to deliver..all I could think of was my first little guy, and I felt so terribly bad and guilty for having another baby. But let me tell you, as soon as they laid that little baby on my chest I loved him instantly. And I had an instant peace come over heart made room for him. I found out it all works out. I know you will love him, not the same way (or things, rather that) you love Lucy, but he'll have his own special things you'll love about him. That's what makes every child so unique and special! Good luck, my prayers and thoughts are with you.

  60. Molly and Vic, Little Peter is already so loved. Molly, every woman expecting her second gift feels she may not be able to love the newest with the intensity of her love of her first. Your heart, especially, is certainly big enough for this new little man. Just you wait and see...

  61. you are a beautiful person, your words so clearly reveal. this 'i am scared. but i am trying' is at once your unique experience and the human condition. god bless you all!

  62. I am one more person sobbing as I read this post. Your strength amazes me!

    As hard as it is to look at the silver lining when you are greiving... it is so apparent that through all the pain, you know that your daughter is not "gone" she has moved on. She doesn't need those things you are packing up only because she is busy getting ready an even better room for you to rock her and hold her in one day. I wish I could push fast forward to that day for you, but it will come. In the mean time, I am sure it is not possible to count the number of prayers that are being sent up to heaven for your little family.

    Little Peter is being sent from Heaven. He will be perfect just like Lucy. I am sure there will be hard moments, but Heavenly Father wants you to have him, so he'll help make up the difference when you don't feel strong.

  63. We miss her too. I told my nursing class about my niece Lucy this week. I bawled the whole way through. She is in each day and each hope for the future.

  64. No words...just tears. I'm sure that it must have been so difficult to pack up everything of your sweet and perfect little Lucy. I'm sending you the biggest hug. We still haven't touched Jack's room...I just can't bring myself to take it all down. You are such an inspiration to so many. Sending your all the love in my heart. Tiff

  65. As usual, I just don't have the words. This was a beautiful post. I can't even imagine how tough that day must have been. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you.

  66. We love and continue to pray for you and Vic. Truly, almost every night because I can't imagine what it is to go through something like this. And you both do it with such grace and faith.

    I want to be like you when I grow up...
    Love, Mindy and Mike and Jack Jack

  67. Molly, I hope you can feel the love and hope being prayed down on you and Vic. You are such a blessing and inspiration to so many. You will be repaid a hundredfold, I am certain. I was reading Proverbs 31 over the weekend, and I thought of you when I read these verses (25-28). That is why I visited your blog today, and read your heart-wrenching post. But from me to you, especially the first verse:

    "Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
    She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
    She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
    Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her."

    I am hoping that today is a happy day for you.

  68. You know, I was so moved by your post that I forgot to tell you how much I LOVE the new look of your blog. The colors and pictures of your family are simply beautiful.

  69. I am crying and can hardly see the words to type on the computer. I know in someway what you are feeling inside about having another child and loving it. I was the same way... I wondered if I would love my next baby as much and honestly.. for me it has made things so much better. when he was born all I could think about was Logan sent him down and prepped him for this world. I found myself hugging him more often and even still giving him constant love and attention. you will find your self laughing and playing with him. He will help you so much. I know mine did. The pain never seems to go away, you will always long for her. you will always remember how she smelled and felt when you held her and you will always remember her laugh! I still have hard nights and when that happens I hold my baby and he makes it so much better. I try to remember that Logan is with me all the time and constantly watches over us. Lucy was so special and she was needed somewhere else. This was in the will of our father in heaven and you were a lucky chosen woman to be given such a celestial child. You have been so blessed and you are blessing the lives of others out there by sharing your story. You are a true amazing person and I feel so lucky to have stumbled upon your blog!! You are still in my prayers!

  70. Oh my dear Vic and Molly, my heart continues to ache for you. How I wish that every tear others (I am sheding my fair share) cried for the loss of Lucy would make it one ounce easier day by day, but I know it does not. I am really glad that you had support while packing away Lucy's belongings to make room for her little brother Peter. Sending the most sincere big and warm hug from Ohio. XOXOXO Leah & Cody

  71. Ohhhhh, that room! Ohhhh, the tears! Oh, the pain! Ohhh, the unfairness! Oh, the anger! Oh the sadness! Ohhhh, that room!! I love you guys.....can't stop sobbing. My heart prays for you.

  72. I love the new picture of Lucy in your top header. The pink sweater and hairbow make her look like a delicate piece of cotton candy. She is such a beautiful girl!

  73. Miss Molly,
    You are so loved. By me and (clearly) by so many many many others as well.
    I can't wait to meet Peter.
    You are extraordinary!
    Love you!

  74. Dear Molly,
    I found your blog recently, through a friends blog and I have just sat and read through your recent posts. I have read this post with tears in my eyes, I am so so sorry that your sweet girl is no longer with you.
    I am sending much love and a big hug your way. Take care ~ Tabitha XXX

  75. We´re still crying with you and there for you at every stage.
    You know, when I was pregnant with my second, I was very worried that I wouldn´t be able to love the second as much as the first and she would have a trauma of that. But it´s not true; you love them the same. And it´s soo much you love and kiss and hug them.I know it´s not the same situation, but as amazing as you are, you will love Peter as much as Lucy!

  76. Molly-
    This posted made me cry. I am trying to move forward after my lost too. Even though it is very very different from yours, moving forward is still hard. There are days I feel so guilty for being happy and enjoying my life, when Matt no longer is apart of it. I am scared to death of forgetting him, even though I know I never will. Matt was such an anchor in my life and that anchor is still there, but in a different light. Molly I want you to know that I think about you constantly and love you.


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