Bored and Lonely

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 8:13 PM

I don't have much to blog about these days. I feel very stuck in a rut. I'll be honest...

I'm bored.

Very bored.

I do work...yes, but it is only part time. I wake up in the mornings (I force myself to get out of bed. Sometimes between 8 and 9, sometimes between 10-11...) and I exercise, I clean, waste time online, read, organize...and it all feels so pointless. It seems everyone has hibernated for the winter and I feel so alone. I've been working on Peter's nursery and slowly getting up the motivation for a few other projects, but all in all, I have the winter blues (combined with grief combined with pregnancy hormones...look out). I don't know if I'm depressed, but I'm empty.

I've decided that instead of sharing my emptiness with you, I'd let the next few weeks be weeks of sharing from YOU, my readers. The people I love and the people who have upheld me over the past 8 months. The people who I cry over and pray for. (Yes, I'm crying right now). I share these emails with you (with the permission of the authors) for a few reasons I guess:

1) In the hopes that we can see that we are all connected. That we all suffer in some form or fashion in this life. That we rejoice together. That we cry together. That reaching out and loving another, even a stranger, is one of the most beautiful things to be experienced in this short life.
2) In the hopes that something will be learned and something gained by all who read.

I do NOT share these emails with you because I think I have done or am something wonderful. These emails were sparked because of my incredible daughter. Because of her life and her light. Because of suffering. Because of sharing. Not because of me.

So as I carry on day by day, one day closer to Lucy, one day closer to Peter...I hope you will enjoy the stories and thoughts shared with me by fellow human beings. Fellow mothers and fathers who struggle and laugh and live life right alongside all of us.

How can I ever thank you?

This is one of the first emails I received after Lucy returned to our Heavenly home. Although I have been given permission to share it, I worry that it is almost too sacred to share. Please let me know if you think I am casting pearls before swine. I have thought it over and feel ok about sharing it. Beautiful doesn't even begin to describe it:



Dear Sister,
We have never met. I am from Armenia and I am the first convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from that country. I was born and raised in a Communist country where religion was prohibited and it was classified as an 'opium for masses'. I was only two years old when my parents were blessed with a birth of another child, my brother. He was born with a physical disability, he is missing his left arm. Back then in Soviet Union, it was considered a shameful abnormality and the doctors were recommending my mother to abandon the 'defective' child and move on with her life. She did not. She brought him home and my sister and I were happy to finally have a brother although with a missing arm. We promised to love him
and protect him from the mocking of the crowd when he grew up. A year later, my mother gave a birth to another boy. He was a healthy and beautiful child. My parents were so happy.

Someone advised my parents to christen all of their children so that 'God will watch over them'. Secretly from the authorities, my parents first took their boys to the Armenian Church to have them christened. The boys got baptized and little gold crosses on gold chains were hang around their necks. They brought them home and my mom began dinner preparation as many friends and family were invited to join us in celebration of boys' baptism. Caught up in her cooking, cleaning, setting up the table, and feeding us my mom didn't noticed how my little one-year-old brother (the 'normal one') went to the bathroom and found an insect poison bar unwrapped it and chewed it. We found him on the bathroom floor with his eyes rolled up and in convulsions.45 years have passed since that day I still remember my mother's scream and her running down the street with a suffocating child in her arms bare foot in the snow crying for help. There was nothing that the doctors could do to save my little brother's life.

At his funeral my mother threw herself on his little coffin and wanted to be buried together with him because she blamed herself for his death. When a priest stepped to bless the grave she pushed him away and threw his cross away saying that she no longer believed in his church and in God. A week after the funeral my mother found out that she was pregnant with another child. Then the only way to prevent or interrupt the pregnancy in Soviet Union was an abortion. And, my mom was thinking about doing an abortion. She was convinced that she couldn't give a birth to healthy child if she was 'dead inside'. Luckily, my father, who crashed just as much as my mom, was able to beg her to keep the child and nine month later another boy was born. Everybody was happy for my mom hoping that the birth of another child would heal my mother's broken heart and spirit. The
healing came 29 years later.

It was the year of 1991 when I first met the humanitarian missionaries in my country. I had never been allowed to travel outside of the 'iron curtain' and had never heard of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was extremely touched by their example of unconditional love and deep faith in God. I couldn't comprehend why would these people leave their homes,families, their wealthy country and come to a place of complete economic disaster, spiritual emptiness, the 'kingdom of darkness'. They were not allowed to proselyte and it was up to us, the people of the country, to ask them to teach us the Gospel. And I did. For the first time in my life I saw the Bible and the Book of Mormon. I asked if I could borrow the books and
read them. They kindly let me take the books home. Next day I was back at their door asking them to teach me. And, they did. Because it wasn't a proselyte mission their were not allowed to bring into the country any church literature or even pictures of their churches and temples. After my last lesson was over I came home with a burning desire to share my testimony with my family. And, the first thing I told my parents and my brothers and sister was that I had a greatest news for them all, I said, 'Do you know that death does not exist? Do you know that we are going to live forever as family and even our little brother lives now and he will join us when we pass through the veil of mortality! Isn't that awesome?' They looked at me and, like Mom says, there was that strange light around me in that room as if I was some kind saint standing there with such conviction and faith that they didn't dare to object but turned to me asked to share the things I learned from these wonderful strange Americans who left their beautiful country and crossed the ocean to teach us about God. I asked my mom's permission to invite the missionaries to our home and teach the family the things that they taught me. My mom said that she once believed the priests but after my brother's death she lost her faith, because if God truly exists how could he take he son away and punish her so cruelly. All that came to my mind that moment, was 'Mom, my brother was a Child of God and I am too, so are you. Do you understand what that means? Mom, Gods don't die and God's children don't die either. He sends them to you for you to experience the gift of motherhood and parenthood and then he calls his kids back home under His wing. Mom, please listen to those Americans and you will understand what I am talking about.' With tears in her eyes my mom walked away.

Two weeks later on a Sunday morning my mom called me and asked to see me. I rushed to her house worried that something happened. She opened the doors and hugged me crying. She shared her 'strange' dream that she had that night. In her dream as she said, 'I was in a beautiful cathedral which was all white inside. I was dressed in a white gown like a wedding gown. Your father was dressed in white and had a funny hat on. Him and I were kneeling at the altar as if we were getting married for the first time ever. It was strange because I was at the age when my child died and all of my children were the same age with me, except the baby (my deceased brother). He was still a beautiful and health toddler holding my hand tight and I could sense his flesh, his sweet breath, his heart beat. My dear, I was in heaven. It was so vivid and so real. The man in the white suite said that we were in our home. He just said to me 'welcome home, my child.. you will suffer no more.. ' I asked my mom what did she think of that dream. And she just asked me to call the missionaries and see if they could possibly teach her too. Few month later my mother was baptized in Armenia and became one of the strongest members of the Church in Armenia and she still is. She lives in Provo now together with my dad.

It's been three years since I haven't gone to Church. I have been cheated on business deals by my business partners on numerous occasions. They were 'strong members of the Church and temple recommend holders'. And I trusted them. I lost my faith in people and in the church that they represent. But then John Evensen shared Lucy's story with me and I cried my tears out for her and thanked Lucy for reminding me of who I am, a child of God, and begged my Heavenly Father for his forgiveness for the hardening of my heart, for not trusting His love and His power and relying on my own judgment. I am back to where I belong to, in my Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Thank you, Lucy's Mom, for giving birth to Lucy and for your testimony and for your example of unconditional love towards our Heavenly Father, as we all are His children and we are to go where He wants us to go to live in light and enlighten the lives of others.
Love,
Narine Sarkissian-Marden

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46 Loving Lines

  1. Oh dear sweet Molly, THANK YOU!!! Thank you for sharing these wonderful emails with all of those who love you and love Lucy!I know I have said this to you before, I love you even though we have never met. You have strengthened my testimony and have left my heart full of LOVE for so many things. I don't take the little things for granted so much anymore. You have helped me to really put my priorities staight. I have cried with you (good and bad), laughed with you and look forward to the day when I can come face to face with you and embrace you in my arms of love. If it be here on this earth or in the eternities I know we will meet because I feel that Heavenly Father has put you in my life. To learn from and to grow from. Bless you and your family. Also thank you to both of the authors of the emails you shared, they have brought me peace and reassurance that life continues on in a good way if you choose to let God be the center of your life. If God is first everything else comes together. Maybe not how we expect it to but even better. :) Take care!!!

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  2. Beautiful.

    Our work does carry on once we cross over the veil. Angel Lucy is an amazing missionary.

    Sending love,

    Sarah Garner

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  3. All I can say is wow. Thank you for sharing this email. It truly touched my heart. Lucy is a great missionary and her sweet little spirit is touching so many people's lives. Thank you for being strong in the church and for sharing your journey.
    Julie - Georgia

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  4. What a touching story. You don't know me probably like you don't know the many other followers of your blog but I ran across your blog about 6 months ago and have not missed reading a post since. Reading your posts inspire me. I have a little girl name Sadie who will be two in March with blonde curly hair, full of life, and just lights up a room when she enters just like your litlte Lucy (I am also due the same day as you with a little boy). She is the joy of my life and is just a special little gal. After reading your posts I always worry about thing happening to her (like any mother would do)and pray to my Heavenly Father daily to protect her. I think about you often, I think about what if Heavenly Father decided her time here on earth was up and what I would do with my life. I am amazed by your strength and faith and pray for you and people that have had to go through what you have this last year often. I look forward to your little man arriving in the next couple of months, and now that he will have such a great spirit to him, and will be being watched over by little Lucy. Thanks so much for you great example of faith. Love, Rebecca Christiansen

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  5. thank you for sharing this beautiful story with us. it is amazing how connected we really are and how one person's experiences can bring about monumental changes.

    thank you for your email the other day. it was wonderful to connect with you.

    -stephanie

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  6. Thanks so much for sharing this touching story, I like this idea. I have imagined all the people Little Lucy has touched in her short stay on this earth. But I feel so blessed to hear from others who have also felt such a connection to your beautiful, bouncy, bubbly baby girl.
    Others who have been impacted by her... Like I have.
    Love

    The Pres. of the Molly Jackson Fan Club

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  7. That is an amazing email, what a testimony! Thank you for sharing it.

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  8. I am speachless. thank you for sharing. It really is incredible how many lives your story has touched. Lucy truly is an angel!

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  9. Molz,
    You shared that email w/me shortly after you received it, and I remember so vividly sitting behind my computer at work, trying to muffle the sound of my sobbing and sniffing. I can safely say that that story has had a major impact on my life. I felt then (and now) so priviledged that you shared this story with me, it truly is sacred. You should be so pleased that something of this magnitude has come from Lucy's life.

    However, I am not swine, so in answer to your closing question: NO! :)

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  10. speechless.
    what an touching story.
    thank you.

    ToOdLeS.ShEiLa

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  11. That was such a beautiful reminder of the importance of eternal perspective. Thank you so much for sharing that. Your posts have really been a inspiration.

    They motivated me to try harder to be a better mother and a better friend, to enjoy my children more and to be grateful for perfectly normal days.

    Hang in there.

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  12. You don't know me but I have been following your blog for a while now and that was a beautiful letter thank you so much for sharing that with me.

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  13. Molly,

    I have never left a comment before, but I am a regular reader of your blog (I hope that's okay). My sister is Lesley Leger who I think you have emailed with before??

    I can't NOT comment on this particular post. What a touching story this was. Thank you so much for sharing this letter and thank you for sharing your journey of healing. What a beautiful little girl Lucy is.

    Lilian Nielsen

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  14. Molly, I have read your blog and have been touched many times. My heart breaks for you. This email was so very touching and beautiful. It confirms that Lucy has a special mission, Heavenly Father knows her very well and what she is capable of. She is an amazing missionary. I have a son who is also on a special mission. You can visit his blog if you would like. It's:

    http://benjaminorton.blogspot.com/

    Thank you for your spirit. Lovingly, Becky

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  15. Wow! That letter was amazing. Thank you for sharing it. It was so beautifully written, and you could feel her testimony through the words. Lucy is working miracles. I feel privledged to have read it.
    As far as you feeling down. I am so sorry. It is perfectly understanderable to feel the 'winter blues' even without the pregnancy hormones, and grief in the picture. With all those, on top of the cold, lonely winters, I can only imagine what you are feeling. I wish there was some way to help, but I know words are probably hollow. I just hope you know you are a blessing to many people, who are pulling for you. I am impressed you have come up with a way, to help others feel of the love, which was sent your way. Thank you again for sharing, I look forward to reading other emails sent to you. They are simply inspiring.

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  16. Molly,
    Thanks so much for sharing that wonderful story. You must understand that there are also countless others who have had life changing experiences by reading your blog, we just haven't emailed you the stories. I don't know you, but I love you very much. You will get through this. I saw a poster at the grocery store last night advertising "Peter Pan" and I thought of you. Peter is so lucky to get you as his mother. If you'd like to email me @ chickdixie1@hotmail.com, I'd love to invite you to my blog.

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  17. Molly, you don't know me, but I came upon your blog through my cousins blog (Mandy Kington Bridgeforth) and have been so touched by your words over the past several months. Though I haven't ever left a comment, my heart has gone out to you..as I also have a little girl. She is 6 years old. Reading your blog has helped me to be more patient with her and treasure every moment that we have together. Thank you for your strength and for your willingness to share your experience with us. Take care! Sharon

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  18. Molly,
    Thanks so much for sharing that beautiful story. It was very touching...

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  19. Molly,
    You don't know me, but my husband grew up with Vic in Mesa. I found your blog shortly after Lucy passed away through a friend's blog (Kunz Family). I felt impressed to comment today after reading that inspiring email. Thank you for sharing it and for sharing so much of your life. Today I am hoping for an end to the cold and loneliness that the winter has brought your way. Thank you again for sharing your life and testimony, it has strengthened me more than you will ever know.

    mjgunnellfamily.blogspot.com

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  20. To see such exquisite beauty come from the depths of human sorrow and suffering can only be described as a sacred experience. Thank you for sharing this witness to my own testimony that God's plans for His children are both intricate and perfect in their execution. Truly a sparrow does not fall from the nest without His notice.

    Sometimes seeing through a glass darkly is all I can muster, but today I am comforted by this graceful reminder that HIS view is clear and wide and far.

    Thank you, Molly. And Narine, too.

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  21. way cool of you to share that with us! :)

    don't feel too abnormal for feeling bored and lonely... i am right there with you! you pretty much described ME to the 'T' in your first few paragraphs... part time, wake up when i want to, internet, nursery prep... less people blogging and harder to stalk...

    i feel like i really need to make some sort of schedule... but then i know in just two months i am going to be all de-schedulized from having a baby! so i keep putting it off... oh my.

    thanks for blogging, though. even though you may feel you have nothing to say... i am re-energized through your words! :)

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  22. I don't even know you personally, but I want to be more like you. I think you are amazing and you should give yourself more credit for being such a strong, spiritual, loving person.

    How lucky all your children are/will be to have you.

    As always, thank you so much for sharing.

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  23. Thank you for sharing the journey of your healing. This special letter that you have included for your followers is inspiring and brings the purpose of life to the forefront where it belongs.
    We are so blessed to Know God's plan. We are so so blessed.

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  24. What a beautiful gift- to receive and email like that. Thank you for sharing.

    Sorry you are in a rut. yuck. You should come visit your sister and we can have a craft day together or something.

    love rachel

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  25. Wow - that was amazing.
    THANK YOU for sharing - what a faith-building, sweet story!

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  26. That was amazing. Oh Molly--that was just pure love and joy radiating from that letter. How special. Thank you for sharing. I thought of you today as I played on my bed with Beanie...I just played and laughed and felt grateful for that moment.

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  27. Thank you soo much for sharing that letter with all of us. My Grandma recently passes away and it was a shock to all of us. We are LDS but just the fact that she is gone from us hurts me everyday, even though I know i'll see her again.
    I loved in the letter where she said that "He sends them to you for you to experience the gift of motherhood and parenthood and then he calls his kids back home under His wing."
    It makes me feel so blessed to have had my Grandma and know that when she was here on this earth she fulfilled so much!
    I cant thank you enough for sharing this letter, it has really helped me deal with my Grandma's death.

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  28. What a beautiful testimony, this is how we learn the best through the best and worst of times of our fellow sisters and brotheren. That is one of the reasons we have fast and testimony meetings. Our testimonys are most strenghtened when shared. I have a strong testimony of this gospel and am so grateful we will all be able to see our loved ones soon! Peter will be so excited to get here and be with such wonderful parents and express his love for his dear sister that has touched so many lives. I wish I could have met that sweet spirit, but I'm reminded of her daily. Thank you. Audrey

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  29. Molly,
    You don't know me, and I'm not quite sure how I came across your blog, but I know it wasn't by accident. I have not experienced what you are going through, but I have experienced some difficult things recently that your blog has helped me deal with. So thank you. Thank you for your strength and for allowing people like me to be inspired by you.

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  30. That was a beautiful beautiful story. I love the faith of that family! Thank you.

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  31. Molly,

    I am always at a loss at what to say. What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it and for sharing that beautiful little Lucy. Much Love.
    Brooke

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  32. Like all the rest, wow, just wow. Thanks for sharing.

    And I know what you can do for the bordom. I got an email yesterday, round trip to ATL, $205. :) Love you.

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  33. This is truly an amazing story. I can only think of how many people will be touched by reading this post.

    Lisa

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  34. Amazing.

    All these things work together for our (collective) good...

    Hugs...

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  35. Hey Molly. Thanks for the comment. I'm glad you found me. I'm still pretty new with it all but I've always enjoyed reading all your posts and I wanted to say and agree that I know we are very close but I would like to be. I work right across from the High School in the leasing office of Aspen Villas. You should pop in and say hi sometime. Maybe we can become closer and better friends. I don't want you to cry everytime you see me because I was in the hospital. I feel the same way when I see you. I want us to get to know each other more. BTW-you look absolutely amazing and I'm so so happy for you. I can't wait to see your lil baby boy. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Please contact me so we can go to lunch or something. :)

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  36. That's so amazing that a stranger saw fit to share such a highly personal story with you...Lucy impacted her life in such an incredibly positive way that she was compelled to do so. Beautiful, hopeful and inspiring!

    Her story grabbed my attention right away because my mother(now deceased) is armenian.

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  37. Thank you so much for sharing that email with us. Just wow!! I need to read it again.

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  38. That is an incredible story. Lucy is definitely a missionary. Love you!

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  39. Thank you so much for being willing to share this and touch our lives again.

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  40. Molly,

    You don't know me, but I am friends with Michelle K. (and she is an incredibly talented photographer - I bet she'd do your maternity pics even if you don't win the contest). Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how touched I was by this last post (and so many of your previous posts). My heart aches for you and your husband and your sweet little Lucy. May the Lord continue to bless you and help you.

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  41. what a sweet sweet post Molly. This was so heart touching. What a wonderful woman. Truly, Lucy has inspired many through your words. Much Love.

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  42. Wow! That was one of the most amazing stories I have ever read, thanks for sharing!

    (Bronwyn James' cousin)

    Katie Forsberg

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  43. This is so beautiful and touching. I came across you blog one way or another recently and decided that I would start at the beginning of your story and read on. Thank you for sharing such raw emotion, it is eye-opening and has brought some many realizations to me - - - my priorities have changed in a very unique way.

    I have prayed and cried for you guys & I am so inspired by your never yielding or ending faith - thank you, thank you, thank you.

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