2.5

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 9:04 AM

Today is December 11th. Lucy would be 2 1/2 today. What would she be saying? Would she know who Santa is? What would she want for Christmas? What funny stories would I have to tell about her? How long and blond, curly and beautiful would her hair be now? Would she be crawling out of her crib and coming to my bedside to say, "Mommy, more food. Elmo, play!" (we looked forward to that so much. We really did). Would she kiss and talk to and hug the baby growing inside of me? Would she have successfully used the potty by now?

The questions in my heart are endless.

The pain at this time of year bottomless.

My blessings are still bounteous.

My love for my Lucy never ending.

It's been 6 months. Feels like 6 days. And all the while I have been surrounded by almost indescribable love. I will blog in the coming week about a labor of love performed on our part for Christmas. I hope I will be able to do it justice. It will blow you away, as it did me. How do I thank you for your prayers and concern, your emails, thoughtful gifts, hugs, food, phone calls...Hands of heaven on earth.

I love you, Lucy.

I love you, Vic.


"Angels are all about us, and their holy sovereign, the Father of us all, is divinely anxious to bless us this very moment. Mercy is his mission, and love is his only labor. John Donne said once: “We ask our daily bread, and God never says, ‘You should have come yesterday.’ … [No, he says,] ‘Today if you will hear [my] voice, today I will hear yours.’ … If thou hast been benighted till now, wintered and frozen, clouded and eclipsed, damp and benumbed, smothered and stupefied till now, God yet comes to thee, not as in the dawning of the day, … but as the sun at [full] noon, to banish all shadows” (Collected Sermons).

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "Look to God and Live"

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20 Loving Lines

  1. I have never commented before,(I am a friend of Lesley), but I frequently read your blog. Each post you write inspires me to be a better mother-to love my children more-to hold them a little tighter-and to appreciate each day with them. I am so sorry for your loss. This post especially touched me, because we celebrate 'half-birthdays' in our house-and my eyes filled with tears for your empty arms today. May the Lord bless you and hold you near, especially at this time of year.
    (PS-I am pregnant-and due the same day as you! I am very excited for you.) Much Love.

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  2. That picture of you is at once heartbreaking and hopeful.

    This will probably be the most difficult Christmas you've ever had, but I suspect it will also be the most spiritual.

    My prayer is that you and Vic will find many moments of joy as you pass through this literal and figurative winter of your life together.

    I'm sure it helps to remember that you are carrying Spring inside you.

    Merry Christmas, Molly.

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  3. I wonder what she would be doing too. I really loved this blog. Especially the quote, "Today if you will hear my voice, i will hear yours".

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  4. Molly, I doubt I could say anything to console you even though I wish I could. I do want you and Vic to know that this morning my 3 year old daughter crawled into my bed and as we snuggled and giggled I thought of you and your beautiful Lucia (I pictured her laughing so heartily) and in her very small way she has served to make me appreciate the gift that is a child sent from God. I want you and Vic to know how much I have grown to respect and admire you both and your words have helped me see things more clearly, especially the need to turn to the gospel even when I struggle with aspects of it at times. Merry Christmas to you both! (And I'm certain Lucy would have loved every second of it. She was the most joyful soul I've ever seen.)

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  5. Beautiful Mama. Beuatiful quote. Can there be such a thing as "beautiful sorrow"? I continue to admire your grace, testimony, and beauty as you live daily with the pain of loss.

    We think of you often and appreciate and enjoy your updates. Thank you for sharing your Lucy with the world, even though I haven't been at work for almost 6 months, many from the office still ask about how you and Vic are doing. You are loved!

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  6. What a beautiful mom you are.

    With love,
    Julie

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  7. I am sure your questions about what Lucy would be doing/thinking/saying will be answered to you a 1000 fold some day. I am sorry you have to wait. You have a very expressive face, and the picture of you says it all, how you are feeling. I wish I could help. Just know my prayers are being offered for you and Vic. I can't wait to hear what labors of love have been performed for you for Christmas.

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  8. That photo is heartbreaking to me. The last time I saw Lucy alive was Dec. 11th last year- Wendy's wedding. It has been a year since I last saw my sweet niece.

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  9. molly,
    I am crying with you and for you today...I can't imagine what this time of year feels like right now in your situation. You and Vic continue to be in my thoughts and prayers daily...who knew I could feel such love and compassion for strangers. ps you are such a beautiful little pregnant mommy!

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  10. Last Week, My mom, cousin and I took a girl's trip to Disneyland. There were figures of tinkerbell everywhere - (probably has to do with the movie) they even had this darling garden (built giant-sized with clover and flowers) where little girls lined up to meet Tink and her fairy friends. I thought of you,... and especially lucy.

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  11. Molly-
    What a moving post. It hurts me to think of the "What If's" that exist now in Lucy's place here on earth. For all of the commercialism that we have created around the Christmas holiday, I am sure for you and Vic, the very sacred meaning of it is ringing so loudly this year. It is about so much more, and in those sweet details are where you have comfort that you will be with your dear child once more.

    You look so lovely at this point in your pregnancy, Mollz. Also, you would not believe the amount of people that I know that randomly say to me "I have been religiously reading Molly's blog and found out you were friends with her because I saw your name on her link list." Mind you, these are all definate strangers to you. The mark you and your family are leaving on the world is unimaginable.

    I hope you and Vic can find some joy this holiday season. If I am in town with an extra minute over Christmas, I will be looking you up. Love Ya!

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  12. Miss Molly,

    You are constant. In my heart, soul and thoughts. I pray for you ever since I came to know of this story, of Lucy. I ache that you have suffering. I will always send you my love, prayers and strength. For you and Vic.
    There is a tiny story in my heart that I want to share... I can say that despite the short time angel Lucy was here upon this earth, it was for you to remember. For when you recognize each other when that time comes. So you can spend eternity together.

    Much love and faith,
    Djuna

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  13. You have moved me to tears once again. You are so beautiful! That pictures whispers sorrow but still hopefulness. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    Much love,
    Kami

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  14. i'm elated that i had the opportunity to see u today.. u truly inspire me. i look forward to getting to know u more..xoxoxo

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  15. That quote is just beautiful, Molly. And thank you for sharing.

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  16. Molly, it was great to see you the other day. You looked beautiful. I can only imagine how hard this time of year must be. I am glad the ward is taking care of you. Let's plan that get together after the holidays, I'd love to meet your friend from Heber.

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  17. Molly,
    I just wanted you to know I am still reading your blog weekly and am very uplifted by your posts. Thanks for sharing your light with the world through your story. I often tell friends they need to read your blog, they do and immediately become followers. I have a friend that tells me she reads every week now and feels uplifted and inspired by your entries. Thanks so much-Adriane

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  18. It's an amazing honor to listen and watch as you walk through this grief.
    You are so beautiful. I look at the picture of Lucy and can feel one millionth the longing and desire you must feel for her, here on earth. Bless you and your husband, Lucy and the new baby.

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  19. Think of Lucy being excited at every Santa Clause she sees and pointing out every christmas-tree she sees! She is telling you that that is Baby Jesus, every time she walks by the Nativity scene and telling you of the big star that is in the sky. It´s incredible how that small, they understand so much. But Molly and Vic, she is doing all that, you just can´t hear her physically, but she´s there with you.
    I know that doesn´t help very much but I wanted to share a bit what our little 2 1/2 does and how she enjoys her christmas.
    Lots and lots and lots of love!

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