Unexpected

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 9:20 AM

I knew yesterday would be an emotional one for me. No doubt about that. I had hoped I would feel Lucy's presence as I held my breath and my heart to hear news of my growing baby. But what actually happened was completely unexpected.

We checked into the imaging center, filled out paper work, and anxiously waited for my name to be called. Once nestled in my spot on the gurney, pants half way down, shirt half way up, gel on stomach and tech doing her thing--all was going great. Everything looked very healthy and "normal". But near the end of the ultra sound my heart started palpitating. I thought it was just the excitement from the news of the baby's gender, the build up of stress and anticipation being released. In a faint voice I said, "I don't feel well, I don't feel well. I really....don't...feel..."

"I'm calling in a nurse right now."

I am shivering, then getting clammy, all the while barely concious and trying to tell myself to breathe in, breathe out. I started losing feeling in my extremities. Nurses and doctors rushed in to take my blood pressure, heart rate, and blood sugar levels. All were extremely low.

"You're going to feel a small prick in your arm."

What? They're suddenly giving me an I.V. I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that I was very scared, very sick, and had no idea why. They next administered to me some reliable orange juice as I started becoming a little more alert. What on earth just happened?

I had gone into shock.

Once things were stabilized I quickly started feeling better, and that's when the tears poured out. I was saying things to these nurses, people I had never seen before in my life, in my blurry mummbling state, "I'm so sorry. I hope I wasn't dramatic. I don't know what happened. It was like I was reliving the accident all over again."

"What accident?"

"My daughter choked. We couldn't get it out. It was an apple. A small piece of apple"

"Is she OK now?"

"No, no she isn't. She died. We tried. We tried. She was life flighted. We donated her organs. I don't know why that just happened. I'm so sorry."

The sweet male nurse asking me these questions must have said something in response to this. But I don't know what. I heard another nurse say to him, "It wasn't very long ago. The events of today and everything...something must have brought it back."


Memory is an amazing thing.

My MIND has gone "back there" a million times. Back to "that tragic day." That day that will forever be etched in my soul. The day that defined the after we are forever living in. The first day I had to make a choice to live with faith as my constant companion. I still make that choice everyday. I think faith and I are getting to know each other well and I hope I have the strength to keep him around with me until the day I die. My mind knows. My mind knows and remembers the look in her eyes, the slumping body in Vic's arms.

I didn't know my BODY had remembered it so well too. I guess my body decided that was the moment to go back to that day. Seeing that tiny little angel inside of me doing somersaults to show off for daddy, remembering Lucy's ultrasound, the stress and anticipation of the last 5 months (let's not forget how hard the tech was pushing on my stomach too)--I guess that was the time my body decided to try and give birth again to this pain. To let it out just a little more.

It scared me. It frightened me. It completely surprised me. It was the exact pain and state of mind I was in while Lucy was choking. When I called my mom and told her what happened, I thought she might say something like, "Wow. How strange. I'm glad you're OK now. " But her response was as equally surprising, "Well, yes, after all you've been through. This doesn't really surprise me."

Bodies are smart and so are moms.

Ok, Ok, I'll tell you now! (I know you already scrolled down and looked anyway). LUCY SENT HER BROTHER!


Do you know that I love it when my husband cries? He squeezed my hand as his eyes got wet and I could see exactly what was going on in his mind--

Soccer
Star Wars!
Camping
Wrestling

Simultaneously, I know he was thinking, "If only big sister Lucy were here too." It is all so bittersweet.

April 6, 2009--Baby Boy Jackson scheduled for arrival. What a brave and strong spirit to come to our family at this time, to help heal our hearts and bring joy into our lives again. No doubt he is something special. We can't wait to meet him.

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77 Loving Lines

  1. YES! I was right...a little baby boy. A million congratulations Molly and Vic.

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  2. you gave ME chills. i have had panic attacks before and the physical response sounds just like what you experienced- and yes, oh yes, the body remembers. one of my favorite books holds this title: 'the body never forgets' although THIS book is about abuse survivors, the point is the same- our cells remember. you are a strong person because you let yourself acknowledge what is happening to you, what happened to you, and that IS a choice, to talk about it, to write about it, to remember, to let Lucy's life and passing be intertwined with what is happening to you now.

    it's very upsetting to even imagine what you went through during that day, that moment, watching your girl, so i can only begin to reach to imagine what it was actually like for you. the only thing i can tell myself when dealing with the great traumas that have happened to me is that we are all in this human experience together. most of us will suffer greatly at some point. most of us will have terribly unfair things happen to us or our loved ones, loss, disease, accidents, betrayals. sometimes you think 'why get up in the morning?' when this happens to me i mull over what i want for my children. i want THEM to want to get up in the morning. what is it about life that remains so precious even under suffering? some mystery. some call it faith. i am only aware of it as the life force of the Universe. but it is there, and although sometimes it can feel gone (under extreme grief or mental breakdown) with time we can feel it again. so then, i remind myself of how i want my children to cherish the gift of life, and i realize i must do the same. maybe this is why we have children, partly. to force us to be truly alive and engaged and to find reasons to live.

    i am so happy for you and your husband and Jackson, because Jackson comes into a family full of love.

    i couldn't help but notice another mommy on the grieving list of blogs had a little boy named Jackson who she recently lost to an accident. it's kind of beautiful that you are pregnant with a boy named Jackson now.

    xo
    maggie

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  3. Maggie,

    Actually, our last name is Jackson so I just said "baby boy Jackson". We are actually most likely naming him Peter.

    I loved your comment.

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  4. Hi Molly,

    You don't know me (probably like a lot of people who follow your blog), but I found it through Shannon Hoffman who was a neighbor in Heber. Anyway, I am so inspired by your strength and faith. I feel like I can relate to you in some VERY small way. I have a 14 month old baby girl who is my pride and joy and I also lost my dad at 56 this summer. Anyway, you inspire me to be a better mom and to have faith and strength in all things! Thank you and CONGRATS on your baby boy!

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  5. I got scared when I read the beginning of your post, but I didn't scroll down, I was patient and read the whole thing through. And I'm so excited for you to have a boy! I love the name Peter. And I loved the insight to Vic's mind, soccer and star wars! Little boys are such fun.

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  6. Molly, I am SOBBING right now! Your post opened so many floods of emotions in my own heart. YOU. ARE. AMAZING. I know we don't know each other all that well, but you have been an incredible inspiration to me in the previous months. And you continue to be a light in the lives of so many. As does Lucy and her Spirit.

    Congratulations on baby boy Jackson! I can't wait to hear more in the coming months!

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  7. oh molly, i am so happy for you. you and vic are such great examples of courage, strength and endurance. i admire you so much. i am so excited that you are having a boy. i am sending the best thoughts your way. alison p.s. if i was a boy my parents were going to name me peter, so i always have a special place in my heart for that name.

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  8. A new start with a new little spirit...it is so exciting! I've heard of the special bond that mothers and sons have...as a mother of 3 daughters I will be watching those experiences through you! SO MANY CONGRATULATORY CHEERS FOR BABY BOY JACKSON!!

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  9. How very brave for you to share your experience with all of us... even those of us that are strangers. Stress does awful things to us physically... emotionally... I am glad that you had trained medical personel to treat your symptoms. I don't believe that Heavenly Father is letting you re-live the pain all at once... he is taking some of it for you... otherwise you both couldn't survive the loss of such a precious child. May you continue to be blessed with the comfortor as the arms of our Savior circle around you. A little brother... perfect... even more so when you all are together again one day.
    ToOdLeS.ShEiLa

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  10. Oh Molly, after all the stress and emotional heartbreak you have been through it's no wonder you went into shock. I'm glad you are okay and that your baby is healthy. I'm so excited for you to have a little boy! What an adventure that will be for you and Vic.

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  11. OH yeah!! A boy!!! I am so excited for you and Vic!!!!I did not scroll down. I needed to know you and the little guy were ok. In our training for foster care they teach us how our bodies hang on to and store trauma. I do not know the Lords purpose for this. If it is so we can learn or if it is part of healing or is it so others can learn through our experiences? I do know though that they taught us even though the body remembers we can heal. I have seen this first hand with my children who have come full circle from some pretty sad experiences. Healing is such a diffferent process for everyone and I hope this little guy eases the pain and brings that joy you spoke of. Oh I am so excited for you guys!!!!!!

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  12. Oh a boy will be so much fun!!! I have been waiting since yesterday to hear ;).

    I am so sorry about what happened. Isn't the body amazing?! You are amazing too!

    Luv ya!

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  13. Molly,
    I am so THRILLED for you and Vic. You both are going to love having a boy! No doubt Lucy will be preparing his sweet spirit for you. I know when we would see our babies on ultrasound we would tear up as well. I loved my husband more after each of our scans, because I could see that excitement and emotion in him, and it just made me love him that much more. I have no doubt that Lucy is preparing your sweet little boy to come to your family. I am so sorry about your scary experience. I can completely see why that expereience brought you back to that day with Lucy. Thank goodness it all turned out okay in the end, but my thoughts are still with you and your tender hearts. I am sure Lucy would be thrilled with the name Peter- because of her fascination with Peter Pan. I don't know if that is why you may choose it, but what a sweet way to honor her. Congrats on your sweet little boy!

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  14. Oh Molly, I wish I could give you just a big hug. How can you endure so much pain and joy at the same time? Could I be that strong? I miss sweet Lucy and have never met her. On the other hand Congratulations on the exciting news. Its a boy! Boys are different, but I love how close they are to their moms. Me and my sweet Owen have such a wonderful bond, he wants me when he is hurt, or not feeling well. I am his comfort. Always thinking of you.

    Julie

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  15. Congratulations!!! Boys really are wonderful. Your experience sounded very frightening. I hope all is well now. Imagine if the baby actually did come on April 6....it is such a special day for so many reasons.

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  16. congratulations! what a lucky little boy....

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  17. Hi Molly you don't know me but I want you to know that you have touched my life. I happened to come across your blog from a friends blog. I felt the spirit was directing me to click on your blog for a reason. I am so grateful for the spirit! You are a person I admire for so many reasons. Thank you for being able to share your feelings about a huge trial in your life! I could never imagine the pain you feel from the loss of your daughter but please know that I pray for you. I have 2 little girls myself and when I saw your little girl I was sort of taken back because she looks a lot like my oldest Mattison who is almost 4. My second little girls is Kylee and she is going to be one in 7 days. I don't tell you these things to make you sad by any means, I say them because I want you to know me. I hope that you are such a sweet spirit to be able to take your heartache and help others. It may not always feel that way but I know by you sharing your life story and the story of your daughter you are helping others to heal and to become better people. I try not to take any day for granted. May God continue to bless you and your husband and that special spirit growing inside of you. Also from reading your blog I think Peter is the perfect name!! Please feel free to look at my blog if you want and I hope you don't mind me continuing to draw strength and wisdom from your blog.

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  18. Congrats, Molly and Vic!! I am so excited for you both.

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  19. Oh, sweet, sweet Molly. I'm so glad you're okay. Leave it to me to be expecting the WORST as I was reading your blog. I'm glad it only turned out to be shock (ha ha - "only"... you know what I mean).

    Congrats on the little boy. Your men will now both be strong for you.

    :)

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  20. Oh how happy I am for your family to welcome a new little spirit into your family. I am so terribly sorry for what happened. The mind is a terribly strong thing. I never realized how a mind could work such tricks on your body until after James died. I also never realized how memory can be a blessing and a HUGE curse when you have experienced tragedy. Much love to you and your family. You better bet LUCY is sending her baby brother. You will find that once he is here, you will be so grateful that you have a guardian angel. I wasn't grateful for my guardian angel until I was up at 3 am with a sick baby in my arms. I knew, I just knew he was helping comfort her and keep her safe that night too.

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  21. CONGRATULATIONS! Boys are so fun. I love it, soccer, star wars, camping, wrestling, that's great territory. Whe I was going through my separation, Will was only 2 months old. I remember just burying my face in his tummy and crying my heart out while he played with, and slobbered all over my hair and hugged me back. I know God sends us these kids to help us feel his love and give it in return. I have no doubt you and Vic are in for A LOT of love with this little guy! :)I'm sure Lucy can't wait for him to give you all the hugs she's longing to share.

    p.s. I love you!

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  22. Molly,

    So glad you are ok...our bodies really are amazing. I am so excited that Lucy sent her brother. How much fun! We love boys around here. Our third will be here in about a month...crazy. I must say that I was SO emotional during my pregnancy with Joshua. I am sure the nurses and technicians thought I was looney. I don't think half of them knew why I cried ALL the time. Hang in there. Bittersweet but great news. I am sure Lucy is with him now getting him ready to come to your sweet family. Congrats!
    Love, Cassi

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  23. Congratulations!! Little boys are awesome. After two girls, our little boy sure keeps us on our toes! And you are right, your husband will love all the guy stuff they will get do...I am so happy for you guys.

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  24. YAAAAAA! I totally was one of "those" that couldn't help myself and scrolled to the bottom to see if it was a boy or girl, but then I went back and finished reading. Your such an amazing writer Molly. I am so happy for you and Vic, congratulation!

    Love, Suzette
    PS when is your primary program? ours is tomorrow wish us luck!

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  25. Congratulations on a boy!!! that is so exciting, and I got tears when I saw in your comment you would probably be naming him Peter...makes perfect sense. What a blessing!

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  26. Oh Molly! This boy will melt your heart as he becomes your little boyfriend! Many Congrats to you and Vic. So glad to read that you are o.k., but so sorry you had to go through that experience.
    My heart skipped a beat when I read what your due date is. What a special day! Even if he does not come exactly on that day, that time of year is so beautiful.

    My heart is so full for you right now. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  27. So thrilled for you! What a beautiful time of year for him to be born - daffodils, green leaves, Easter...it will be beautiful.

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  28. i seriously can't read your blog without crying. :)

    yay for a darling little man!!!!

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  29. I am beyond thrilled for you both! Congratulations. I have yet to know what it is like to have a boy. Maybe someday.

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  30. Congratulations!
    He's destined to be completely adorable.

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  31. Holy Congratulations! I've been wondering and thinking about your ultrasound. A little boy! Super duper cool. Congrats Vic :-)

    I'm so sorry that the appointment was so full of stress and shock though. That must have been SO scary. I'm so relieved that you are ok (medically ok that is...I know the rest is a battle...)

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  32. CONGRATULATIONS!!! The body can remember the craziest things - I'm so glad you're ok.

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  33. A boy!! Congratulations! I was so worried when I started reading your post and read "I'm calling a nurse right now...", then was terrified and scared for you when you went into shock, relieved when I learned you were okay and thrilled for you when I read about baby boy Jackson--a gift from God. I love your name choice- Peter. I continue to think and pray for you and your family. Love and prayers from Boston.

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  34. Molly,
    You must have been so scared. And Vic, too, having to watch what was happening to you. I'm so glad you are okay and the baby is fine.
    Congrats. A boy is just wonderful.
    No doubt he is something special. As are you both and sweet Lucy. What a neat family. Love Tami

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  35. Congratulations on baby boy Jackson. I'm sure sweet Lucy is telling him how lucky he is to be coming to your family.

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  36. I do love that story... maybe cause I can relate and I have had a moment like that and it was actually at Lucy's funeral. It was the first time I had been back to the Stake Center since Matt's funeral and my whole body broke down, tears, I literally fell to the ground and my mom had to help me up and carry me to a bench. Things like that take such a toll emotionally and physically. Also I am so excited for you and Vic! When you hold that baby it will be amazing. I remember when I held my brothers baby in my arms two weeks after Matt was killed and I cried and cried because I knew, they were together connected in some way and I know lucy and baby boy jackson are connected! I love your strong spirit. Congrats, you will feel joy.

    Ali

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  37. Congratulations! I've been following your blog for quite some time now and just now I realized that you have one of my really good friends on your blog list. I was high school friends and college roomates with Afton Ferguson. What a small small world! I am so excited for you and all of the new little boy adventures that are heading your way! Best Wishes!

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  38. A. That is AWESOME that you may be naming your baby Peter because with a namesake like Peter Jackson...he may just become a world renowned director and with your guys' genes it would actually make sense. But be careful because Jed may treat Peter like the next boy prophet. Lord of the Rings is practically scripture to my husband.
    B. Thank you so much for the link to your blog. I've been familiar with how we store emotions in connective tissues/cartilage and oddly I've been thinking about it lately. I looked up more on this topic after reading your story and found this interesting site: http://www.bodymemory.com/article_bmr_intro.html According to this site, your experience fits perfectly with their theory on releasing trauma and is the second step on their designated healing path. You've sparked my interest about "body memory" and seriously could really help me in some recovery roads I've yet to trod, much less recognize. Thank you Molly.
    C. Lucy is gorgeous. I think she may be a soul sister to my niece Heidi. Out of all my nieces,Heidi happens to be the one I take awe in the very most. We call her an Albino Chinese with Dolly Parton hair. Believe me, it's my favorite mix.
    D. I wanted to hug you tonight because I was so happy we met. I just love you by the way!
    ~Emma

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  39. Congratulations! A boy, I had a feeling it was a boy when in a previous post you mentioned you had a boy on your mind. I'm so happy for you!

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  40. Congratulations Vic and Molly! I'm so happy for you both. I love that you might name him Peter - how very appropriate. He's a lucky boy, and without a doubt will be loved and cherished in ways (and from a deeper place in your hearts) than most kids will ever know. Those of us who have lost a child see life through a unique lens. We cherish the most insignificant moments as though they could be our last, and we feel the slightest sad moment as though it could shatter us apart. Nothing will ever be taken for granted in little Peter's life, and as Lucy's probably already told him, he will know so much joy and love every day. Thank you for continuing to share your life with all of us through your words. When I first met you (in the "before" time) you were already full of compassion, warmth and light. Now in the wake of the "after" I understand why you were given those gifts, and see all the lives you touch every day. God bless you both and little baby Peter.

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  41. Congratulations Molly and Vic. Boys are so fun. He is lucky to have you as parents. I am so happy for you both.

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  42. I was rivited in my seat reading your account - hoping it would turn out OK.
    So thankful it did.
    And I'm so excited for your new little boy on the way. You'll have to let us know all the intricacies just in case we ever have a child of the "male" variety! :)

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  43. Peter will be such a wonderful addition to your incredible family! I am soooooo thrilled for all three of you!!!!

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  44. As usual, beautiful post, Molly.

    And as usual, I'm crying and smiling.

    Congratulations!

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  45. Lucy and Peter- the names of the king and queen in Narnia.

    :)

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  46. Oh, Dear Molly! What wonderful news. I am so elated to hear the announcement. What a strong statement that FAITH shall be your constant companion. Many prayers!

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  47. Congradulations!!! We are so excited for you. I'm so sorry that you had a bad experience. But on a positive note, you have a healthy perfect little boy on the way! I can't wait to see you soon! Love, Tif

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  48. Wow! And I'm sure I don't have to tell you, or be the first to tell you what an amazing day April 6th is.

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  49. Molly,
    You don't know me, but I love to follow and read your blog! You are an inspiration and a beautiful lady. Congrats on your new little boy. Boys are so fun! :)

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  50. April 6th....how fitting :) Congratulations!!

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  51. I love the name Peter because he is one of my favorite apostles. He was so human in his weakness and yet so Christ-like in his strength. His words in 1 Peter 4:12-13 never fail to comfort me:

    "Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy."

    Of course, Peter gained that wisdom the hard way, as most of us do.

    I was sorry to hear how difficult the ultrasound day was for you on the one hand, but delighted to hear that all is well and that your husband will have his son this time. It seems right, somehow, that this baby be a boy so there can be no direct comparisons between him and his sister. You will have more time to heal before you greet your second daughter. There is a lot of joy ahead of you!

    By the way, like your mom, I am not surprised that you would have a flashback at such a time. I'm glad you were able to get such immediate care from what sounds like compassionate professionals.

    One last thing. My husband loves the name Peter, too, but Pan is the Peter that's close to his heart. He has bought Peter Pan books for each of our grandchildren's mothers, and this is the passage he points out:

    "Mrs. Darling first heard of Peter when she was tidying up her children's minds. It is the nightly custom of every good mother after her children are asleep to rummage in their minds and put things straight for next morning, repacking into their lost places the many articles that have wandered during the day. If you could keep awake (but of course you can't) you would see your own mother doing this, and you would find it very interesting to watch her. It is quite like tidying up drawers. You would see her on her knees, I expect, lingering humorously over some of your contents, wondering where on earth you had picked this thing up, making discoveries sweet and not so sweet, pressing this to her cheek as if it was as nice as a kitten, and hurriedly stowing that out of sight. When you wake in the morning, the naughtiness and evil passions with which you went to bed have been folded up small and placed at the bottom of your mind; and on the top, beautifully aired, are spread out your prettier thoughts, ready to put on."

    My husband is a great admirer of mothers and their work. I am glad you will soon be in the thick of it again, because you obviously have great skills! =)

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  52. Molly,
    Congratulations! I am so happy for you and Vic! You are amazing! Peter sounds like a perfect name! :) I am also due in April!

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  53. Congratulations!!!! Boys are a lot of fun. (but then i am biased) That was so nice of Lucy. We were guessing what Gavin was going to send down to us, Jaron thinks boy, I think girl. I guess we'll wait and see. I'm excited for you!!!

    Michelle
    Gavin's Mom

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  54. Congratulations on your baby boy. I am mom to a Lucy and a Jackson, so you caught my eye a long time ago. I find your blog inspirational, honest, sad, happy… all things! Your Lucy is a light that shines on your family. Best of luck during your pregnancy!

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  55. Wow. what an experience. It was soo emotional just to read. I love what your said about faith being your constant companion. Everyday. You are experiencing so much. i want to send you some of my small strength.. i will send my prayers. A little boy. how wonderful! wonderful!

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  56. I don't know you but you inspire me so much. To be a better person a better mom everything. Congrats on your baby boy. They are so much fun! And you Lucy is an angel. She is so lucky to have you two has her parents.

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  57. Congratulations. April 6th is such a great day. For so many reasons in History, but that is also the day that our first miracle came into our lives 14.5 weeks early. Love you, and thank you for continualy sharing with all of us your innermost thoughts and feelings.

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  58. I am so excited for you Molly! There is something so magical about the relationship that a mommy shares with her son(s) that is unlike anything else in this world. The knowledge that Lucy undoubtedly knows her little brother, her own little Peter Pan, is irreplaceable.

    Much love,
    Skylette

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  59. Wow! I am so happy to hear that all is well with your little boy. I hope you are prepared for a lifetime of starwars. I know my boys eat, sleep, and dream it. I think even Callan is already a fan. Its a timeless classic.

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  60. Hi Maggie,

    You don't know me:) I am Heidi Hamilton's friend. I cried and prayed for you when she told me what happened. I lost my twin daughters two years ago. This post touched me tonight. Especially because I experienced a similar event not too long ago and not on the grand scale that you experienced. But around the anniversary of my girls birth I had an episode where I felt all of the emotions of being in the hospital bed again as I waited for my girls to grow and develop before birth. I felt the overwhelming emotions and relived many of the thoughts and experiences that went along with them. Grieving is an incredible process physically, mentally, and emotionally. Bless you Maggie! You are in my thoughts and prayers!!

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  61. Molly, I called you Maggie! I am so sorry! I also wanted to ask you, I have a friend who served in the Peoria Mission. Her name is Harmony Loch (oh know I can't spell it! Let alone say it to sound it out.) It's Jensen now.Anyway, if you think you might know her let me know She was there around 2000 or so.

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  62. Congratulations on such wonderful news. I'm so glad everything turned out alright for you during the ultrasound visit.

    As always, thank you for sharing your testimony with the world :) It helps so much.

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  63. I'm really happy for you Molly.

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  64. I'm so glad you are okay. Congratulations on the news of your little baby boy. He will be such a precious thing, I'm sure. I'd love to host a shower for you at my house if you want, you will need some boy things. I am sure that Lucy was there with you while you were getting your ultrasound. I'm so thrilled for you.

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  65. I had this anxiousness about me. I too had flashbacks to the hospital room and all when I heard Emily Tyndall's name announced on the news. Everything raced thru my head and my heart. All day I prayed for you and Vic. Tonight I decided to "check in" via your blog and the Lord is amazing and works in such an unique and amazing way. Congratulations on your baby boy. Congratulations with your healing and stength. May the Lord continue to bless you and Vic and your family. -Cynthia Washington

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  66. Peter is such a perfect name! Peter from the Bible. Peter as in Peter Pan. And Peter & Lucy from the chronicles of Narnia. So perfect in so many ways.

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  67. I'm so happy for you guys! I've left one comment on here before you don't know me but our little angels know each other, I'm sure.
    We had a little girl after our little boy passed away and I know the Lord knows what he's doing and what's best for us. A big part of me wanted another boy but looking back I know that having a baby of the opposite gender was the best thing for our healing process. We now have another little boy and life's great!
    We also donated our little boys heart and it has been one of the things that has helped with the healing process. It's amazing to see another little girl running around healthy and happy and that another family didn't have to go through the same pain we did.
    Anyway, sorry for the rambling, congrats on your baby boy and you know that Lucy's preparing him now for this crazy world.
    good luck with your pregnancy!
    amanda

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  68. you dont know me but I feel I know you. My mom gave me your blog address awhile ago (she found you through friends of friends) and time to time I pop in and see how you are doing. I just want you to know how strong and wonderful you are. Lucy would be so proud of the mommy you are and will be to her brother. I want to tell you how wonderful you write. You really do have a way with words. I am so happy for you guys! Congrats.

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  69. Congrats! We are so excited for you guys! Yeah...we are back in your ward! (Are you still in the Spanish Branch?)

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  70. my heart is full of joy for you and vic. congratulations!!!!
    i cannot wait to hear all about lucy's brother very soon!
    i know i was never a big part of your life molly, but reconnecting with you a few years back meeting lucy and the recent events has got me hooked to your blog. i pray for your family and am grateful for your updates.

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  71. How wonderful for you and Vic Molly a new spirit hugs to you both ...I think of you both often and pray for our family
    love,
    Aunt Linda

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  72. Molly and Vic,
    I was so scared when I started reading ur post but then I read on and was sad happy and wishing I could just hug you both once...I do care about you both and feel bad about not saying so sooner it was just overwhelming to me making me think of Aaron ..I hope you both can forgive me for taking so long I love you dearly and wish happiness for your new start with another blessed child to be in your family.
    Love,
    Linda

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  73. Molly,
    Hey, this is Diana Fischer, one of the "new" ones on the Angel blog. I completely understand when you say that it is "exciting" to find someone else who has gone through exactly what you have with your sweet Lucy! I think choking is one of the scariest (I might be biased, though) accidents because for me it was so hard to deal with afterwards. I know you are expecting your second now, but I had a one year old at the time Caydin passed away, and I was afraid to let her eat! For that matter, anyone eating could make me nervous for a while! But, we all HAVE to eat, so obviously I was going to have to face my fears and learn how to deal with it! Faith plays a huge part of the recovery process, as you know, in so many ways! Caydin passed away three years and almost 3 months ago, and it is easier now than it was. But, that first year for me was the worst, and especially the winter holidays, which are coming up! My heart aches for you, knowing you are still going through some of the hardest times. Those unexpected times become fewer and farther between, but I still have those moments pop up on me when I am least expecting them! Anyway, I am excited to get to know you better and if you ever need anything or have questions, or anything, I would love to help!
    Diana Fischer
    http://thefischerfamilynews.blogspot.com

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