I've had a boy on my mind lately. A really cute boy. Blue eyes, dirty blond hair, big smile. I think I might be infatuated with him. I can't stop thinking about how much I love him. I guess you could call it a crush, but I think it's something more. A crush couldn't get me up in the morning when I feel like dying. A crush couldn't change my tears to laughter and give me the courage and strength to carry on... Could it?
I've been praying to know who I can serve, what I can do. Where do I begin? At times it is daunting. I've thought of going to Primary Children's and volunteering there, but don't think I have the emotional strength for that yet. Daily, I think of women in my ward and branch who are in need and try to do small things to lighten their burden. But I knew there was something "more".
And then it hit me.
My crush! This little lover boy and inspiration in my life. My husband. It hit me like a ton of bricks while in the shower the other day. The service God needs me to do right now is right here in my home. I have often played the game, "Which trial would be worse?" Losing a spouse verses losing a child. Losing an older child verses losing a toddler...on and on. It doesn't matter. They're all hard, and we have no control over our losses. But I do have control over what I do and how I treat the family still here with me on earth. Two days down, and a lifetime to go, but so far so good. He's enjoyed the lunches I've packed him for work along with the surprise treats and love notes.
I've thought so often, and even more so since Lucy's passing, of the role the men in our lives play. They are the providers. The rocks. The stabilizers. But I know Vic is full of emotion and pain like me. Yet day after day he faithfully goes to work, serves in his callings, and holds me while I cry. To me, it is the closest thing to being in the Savior's arms while I'm here on earth. I have found a renewed sense of purpose and even excitement in my revelation to serve my husband. He has proven to be, yet again, an answer to my prayers.
An unwilling Hero
You’ve stood strong
For SO long,
Yet the pain may still be overwhelming.
And your eyes took
On that look,
That the injury continues its’ HAUNTING.
I pray each day
You’ll let it lay,
Finding ways to LOOK to life and living.
Knowing one day
You will say,
“Some how I NOW am surviving”.
When our hearts were torn
We ALL mourned,
For every person that was hurting.
And you some how
Spoke out loud,
Giving each of us HOPE for the living.
-I know that-
Your heart will heal
That is real
It just takes a LONG time and believing.
You chose this not
And yet fought,
As a hero in our very difficult learning.
Vic - Live and love
And RISE above,
This loss that is understandably consuming.
Thinking of you – With love - Linda Kohler Barnes – August 7, 2008 (Our Bishop's wife artist extraordinaire)
"In terms of giving fathers love and understanding, it should be remembered that fathers also have times of insecurity and doubt. Everyone knows fathers make mistakes—especially they themselves. Fathers need all the help they can get; mostly they need love, support, and understanding from their own." James E. Faust
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