Blindsided

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 11:37 AM

Just when I think I have things figured out, I find I'm standing on my head.

It's like it is happening all over again. The pain is so real. The memories so intensely heartbreaking. I'm upset today. Mad, even. Mad that the "rest of the world" gets to go on turning. Go on playing with their children. Go on caring about clothes and TV and material things that aren't important. It makes me want to scream. Go on living their normal day to day lives while I silently suffer. It's not fair!!

Last week the spirit spoke so loudly and clearly to me, "You can do this. You are strong. You will make it through. There is so much beauty in your life yet to live, yet to discover." This week it is muted and muffled and my ears are full of wax. I can't hear it.

I've been watching a beetle bug in my bathtub the past few days. Without fail, without ceasing, it tries endlessly to make it's way out of the tub. The walls are slick and steep and there is no way it will make it out. Doesn't it know that it's just too hard? Why does he keep trying? In a moment of anger I splashed water on it. "Just give up and go down the drain!" I didn't throw enough water to make it sink, but enough to shake the poor guy up a bit. I woke up this morning to discover him dead in the center of the tub. I should have helped him out, helped him up, like so many of you are trying to do for me. But I didn't. I wanted to see him fail, wishing I could do the same. But I can't give up. That's not an option for me. I have to keep living and I have to keep going and I hate it. It's too much to ask. It's too much to bear. Are the walls too steep? Is my footing not sure on slick ground? Where has my Lucy gone? Who splashed this unsuspecting water on me? I have no reason to get up in the morning. No Lucy to take care of. No job to attend to. But I get up anyway and try to make sense of my life.

Her passing, the accident, it was so unexpected. So quick and painful and jolting to my entire universe. My heart doesn't understand. There was no time to prepare. In one small moment she was gone. I long for her laugh, to hold her little body, to give her goodnight kisses between the slats of the crib, to hear her ask for "Pink...no lellow spoon. No...Pink".

In some strange way, I feel Lucy closer now than ever. Yet I miss her more than ever. It has been four months. Some on the outside may think, "I should be better now. I should be healed." I'm not. I'm nowhere close. I suppose I have made progress. I know I have learned. But oh, how I am broken! Do I really have to live the next 50 years without my Lucy? Is that even possible?

Perhaps this is too negative and revealing to be venting these things. I hope those of you who have not suffered a loss and been through something this traumatic know how blessed you are. I hope I know how blessed I am too, amidst this refiner's fire. I guess we all struggle to see our blessings at times.

My sister says to live one breath at a time and cling to Vic and I will make it. Not one day, or one week, or even one moment, but one breath at a time. I wish it weren't so, but it is. Someone has placed a 50 pound brick on my chest and I am asked to keep breathing. It is so heavy. Clinging to Vic, well, that part is easy.





Her beauty is beyond words. The way she changed my life is beyond description.

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80 Loving Lines

  1. Molly, just today I got upset with my almost-two-year-old for being indecisive about the color of his plate, spoon, and cup. THANK YOU for helping me realize how precious these moments are. I wish you didn't have to remind me, and I wish you could have them still. But thank you. I wish I didn't have to be corrected and blessed through your tragedy. But I am. Thank you, and you continue in my prayers. I wish there were more I could do.

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  2. Molly- I wish I could just give you a big hug. I know that would not make things better. But, I do hope you know you are not far from my prayers and thoughts. I simply cannot imagine the grief and pain you are feeling. I know you know it's okay to feel that way. You can do this. You will be able to live and be happy again. I can't imagine that people would think you should be 'healed' by now. I know it seems such a long time until you see Lucy again. But, you are 4 months closer now, and that reunion will be the sweetest thing ever.I think your sister is very wise. What good advice to take things one moment at a time. I contintue to pray for you and your family, and wish there was a way I could help to lift your burden. It probably seems as if you are going through this alone, but know that Lucy and your other family members beyond the veil are pulling for you, as well as countless others on this earth.

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  3. Molly,
    I guess I don't really know what to say, and maybe nothing we say can help numb the pain but I do know that you have a very large support group. I found your blog by chance, as I'm sure most others did...and we are here for you, although you may not know us. You are allowed to vent and to be mad and to feel. We all have trials and problems and frustrations and we don't know why things happen. My grandmother had a very bad stroke and I asked Steve why...all he could say is that it’s part of living. Bad things sometimes happen.
    But, yours is the worst trial imaginable and I can only imagine as the worst pain to endure. Please endure…please continue to do what you’re doing. Strangers love you and pray for you. We will be here cheering you on. The end of this journey will someday come and you will be with Lucy again.
    Love,
    one of your friends in CO

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  4. Some quotes found in one of my books by Elder Maxwell:

    "For there was never yet philosopher
    That could endure the toothache patiently."
    -Shakespeare

    "We all have strength enough to endure the misfortune of others." -La Rochefoucauld

    "I can endure my own despair,
    Not not another's hope."
    -William Walsh

    "There have been and will be times in each of our lives when such faith must be the bottom line: We don't know what is happening to us or around us, but we know that God loves us, and knowing that, for the moment is enough."
    -Elder Maxwell

    Molly - I will never pretend to understand your pain. But I will never judge you for being in it. You are entitled to it. And the Lord will not hold you accountable for feeling what any mother would feel. He empathizes the loss of a child. Revel in His empathy and don't be afraid of His judgement. I believe that, when given the choice, God leans more towards mercy, love, and nurturing than any of His other characteristics.

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  5. I am a stranger to you, but my heart breaks for you almost daily. I think about you so often and the pain you must be going through, and the strength you've shown through such a horrible time. You are perfectly allowed to have days like this. What you are going through isn't fair, it doesn't seem right, but you will make it through. I can tell you have an enormous about of strength that you will call out when it is needed most. I wish I could ease the pain for you, or tell you exactly when it will be over, but I can't. But I know you will lean on Vic and on the Lord and you will make it. And you will see your Lucy again, as beautiful and wonderful as you can imagine her.

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  6. Molly,
    I can't go a week without checking your blog. Words cannot describe how amazing I think you are. I admire how you share your heartache with the world. People need to hear it. I need to hear it. When I read your blog, or am with my neighbor who lost her week old boy last year or my dear friend who has lost her two little girls, my heart ablsolutely breaks. It's not fair and it almost gives me guilt to look at my precious family. No one should have to endure the pain you are going through. I can't even begin to comprehend even the tiniest portion of your hurt. But please don't let anyone tell you you should be over it by now (or ever for that matter). After watching my husband lose his mother the year after we got married, I realized you never quit missing the one you've lost, and you never really get over it, life just slowly evolves around the loss and the pain, cause it will always be there to one degree or another. I hope and pray that you can take it one breath at a time. And thank you for all of the inspiration and the reminder of what I know I have at times taken for granted. I think of you and pray for you often and wish there was more I could do.
    Emily

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  7. Hang in there my sweet friend. The "good" days will come, the "bad" days will always be there, but the "good" days will come. I love you, Britt

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  8. Molly, I am another stranger that is cheering you on. I check your blog daily hoping to find you surviving. Keep writing your feelings down. When you are feeling, that means you are surviving.
    Hugs.
    Kami

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  9. I love that picture of Lucy in her little boots. That is precious. I can totally understand why you feel angry. You have every right to feel that way. I have thought about you at times when I have put posts on my blog about Maren and wondered why it was so unfair that you are suffering so much pain, and I have even felt guilty that I haven't experienced that kind of pain. I'm so very sorry, Molly and Vic. Today I was having a stressful day with work and was ready to cry, but reading your post gives me a lot of perpective. I will pray for you tonight that you will feel comforted. I love you guys.

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  10. i hope that you don't mind me stopping by but i found your blog through another....

    i've also had a bad weekend but nothing in comparison to the trials that you have gone, are going trough.

    obviously we each have our own individual trials and our own ways of dealing with them and our own ways of learning from them.

    they are all different but not any of them are easier then the next.

    thanks for your example and thanks for helping me to see the bigger picture...

    xoxo

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  11. I am sorry. I am so so so sorry.

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  12. Molly-
    I feel such a connection to you even though I don't know you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Death had never been a part of my life until May when my younger sister unexpectedly passed away. In the 4 months since she died I have had more experiences with death then I could ever imagine or want. The Lord knows how much we can handle and I guess at this time in my life this is what I am supposed to experience and learn from. You have been an example to me and have helped me keep my head up in the hardest moments of my loss.
    I don't know if you are interested in reading anything, but I read a book recently that helped me tremendously. It is called "The Message" by Lance Richardson. It has given me great peace and understanding of the Spirit World and what our loved ones are doing. If you would like I would love to send it to you. I do not want to invaid your privacy so please let me know if you are not comfortable. Please know again that I think of you daily and pray that the Lord will sustain you and your husband during this difficult time.

    shannonjenks@hotmail.com

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  13. Molly,

    I don't know you, but I check your blog daily because you and Vic inspire me (yep, a true blog stalker). I commented once before, and hesitate to do it now, but my heart is beating out of my chest.

    Your post was so heartfelt, so real. Thank you for sharing it. In a way, it was good to know that you, too, have days of anger; that you're not always "filled with the Spirit" and blissful with a dull ache and positive attitude. It's nice to know that you are REAL!

    I hate to say it, but know that the pain will never go away. It may change, but it will never go away so don't feel guilty for feeling this way after a short 4 months. My mom lost her son (my brother) almost 20 years ago, and not one day passes that she doesn't miss him and think about him. He'd be serving a mission right now, if he were alive. We believe in the Plan of Salvation, but it still doesn't take that pain away. We miss him terribly! And now, as a mom myself, I cannot imagine how my parents have felt through the years.

    I remember talking with my dad in high school, probably 5 or 6 years after the passing of my brother. I remember it vividly--washing the dishes with him, just chatting about normal teenage stuff. Somehow we got talking about my brother, and he told me that he missed him daily. And that for the first time in his life, he felt he could smile again. This was 5 or 6 YEARS after his passing! And I'll testify that both of my parents are more sensitive now and more serious than before.

    So, Miss Molly, do not give up! The Lord is there for you, as you know. Realize that you will never be the same, but that it's also okay. You are amazing!! And it's okay to validate these feelings, gosh darn it, however and whenever they may come! I love your sister's advice to take it a breath at a time. It's going to be a long road, but you can do this. We can do all things with the Lord on our side!

    I pray for you every night and will continue to do so. You are truly an inspiration to me! (sorry for the long post)

    With love,
    Another sister inspired by your story

    (By the way, and not that it matters, but our little girls share a birthday. I think about that often as I watch my little one learn and grow, and feel for you in more ways than you know.)

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  14. oh my dear molly, i don't really know what to say. i guess, i'll just say that you're heavenly father loves you so much and is so aware of your trials. four months is hardly enough time to heal from such a tragedy... my family lost my 16 year old brother almost 12 years ago and it still hurts me... i can't even begin to fathom how hard it has been for my parents, especially my mother. the fact that we are still healing from it, even now, might not be a very comforting thought for you, but i hope it helps you to know that it's okay to despair and have moments of weakness and be mad and upset. it IS possible to live without lucy for the next 50 years... it might suck (it REALLY sucks)... i remember my mom telling me how my well-meaning grandma would say, "but he's in a better place," when my mom was grieving and my mom would be so furious at such a thoughtless comment. "i don't care," she would say to my grandma, "i want him HERE." it just plain crappy. but time and the savior has healed her wounds, not completely, but mostly and she is happy and time and the savior will heal you and vic, too. i know you can do it and your savior will be there with you every step of the way. hang in there. wow, that sure was a mouthful for not knowing what to say.

    i love you.

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  15. Molly I'm so sorry that you're going through such pain. I'm so sorry that Lucy was taken from you. I can't tell you how many times I have thought, "Why wasn't it me?" It very well could have been anyone else. Why you? Why Lucy? The other day I was thinking about it and I realized that if it HAD happened to me, to Tyler, I would not be able to write about all my feelings the way you have. I would probably keep everything inside, hurting myself, but also, not having the opportunity to help others with the things I might write about. Besides the fact that Lucy is so special and pure, I think that your nature is such that the Lord knew you would share the things you have been feeling and as a result, help others in many ways. I know that words cannot soothe the pain you are feeling, just know that I'm so sorry, and I wish there were some way I could take some of that pain from you so you didn't have to feel so much.

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  16. Molly, you don't even know me, and honestly I can't remember how I ended up at your blog (I'm a blog-hopper sometimes), but I've been so drawn to you and your beautiful daughter. I know there sometimes isn't anything anyone can say. . .sometimes you just have to let yourself FEEL, and go there, and that is totally fine. For some reason, this quote that was helpful to me in a trying time has been rolling through my head. I hope it helps you see that you are not alone. . .and the glimmering hope will come.

    The Well of Grief
    by David Whyte (used in a talk by Patricia Holland)

    "Those who will not slip beneath
    the still surface on the well of grief turning downward through its black water to a place we cannot breathe will never know the source from which we drink, the secret water, cold and clear, nor find in the darkness glimmering the small round coins thrown by those who wished for something else."

    Much love to you dear Molly.

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  17. Molly - I truly hope you don't feel like you can only share the "good days." I, for one, want to hear about the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. Also, I hope you know that no one expects you to be "better" in 4 months, let alone 4 years. I'm sure her loss will be with you always, but hopefully it will change from utter heartache to utter comfort and peace.
    I love those pictures of Lucy. She IS so beautiful. Truly. And no million dollar photographer could capture that life or beauty as well as your everyday shots.

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  18. I wish I had the words to take away your sorrow…. this is the only thing that came to me.

    We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul-We believe all things we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

    He knows where you are Molly and He will bring you back.

    Gwenevere

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  19. Molly-"You are so strong. You will make it through."
    I like this verse from this hymn:

    Come, come, ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear;
    But with joy wend your way.
    Though hard to you this journey may appear,
    Grace shall be as your day. …
    All is well! All is well!

    Even though right now, all does not seem "well". The pain is to intense. The memories are too close to the surface.The grace of God will help you get through these hard days.
    I LOVE YOU MOLLS!
    Grace shall be your day!

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  20. Oh how my heart goes out to you. I will never understand your pain. But I thank you for reminding us all how precious life is.
    You are such an amazing writer. You write so beautifully and descriptively and I thank you for sharing your details. I really do think you should write the book you've been wanting to.

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  21. We often hear about mourning with those that mourn. From the moment I heard about Lucy, I have for some reason felt compelled to do just that -- to mourn with you. I know our friendship in college was brief, and we now live separate lives, but I can't help but feel that there is a reason I am aware of you and think of you often, like there is something I need to learn from you. Please know that there are so many of us, friends and even complete strangers, that grieve with you. If only that could ease your burden, but I don't know if it works that way. Keep climbing. You are a beautiful little bug!
    Love Kristie (I now realize where you got the Kristine thing. Sorry to confuse you!)

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  22. Don't apologize- your bad days need to be recorded just as your good days. I know how you feel; it ISN't fair that your life has shattered, and of COURSE you want your Lucy here. So I'll just repeat that I do know how you feel, and I hope that you and Vic will hold tightly to each other and the Lord.

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  23. I have been reading you blog for quite some time now and never commented. I feel compelled to comment on this particular post because I can recall a time so vividly when my family and I had to make it through life one breath at a time. When my niece died nearly six years ago at the age of four, the air was knocked out of me. It is so hard to find words to describe those last moments with her. Precious. Raw. Tormenting. Sacred. Devastating. Enlightening. Helpless. Unforgetable. Unbelievable. So many emotions. Not enough time. Not enough kisses and hugs. Does she know how much we love her? Is she in pain? How on earth can we go on? How do we get past this? So many questions. No right answers. So much pain for us. Pain in missing her. Pain for not being able to take away my brother and sister-in-law's pain. So Helpless. So Helpless.

    To say you have to live and get by one breath at a time is so profound. It hurts, literally, to breathe. I know there is nothing that compares to the bond between parents and their children. I cannot imagine the depth of your pain but I can tell you this, you will have to tell yourself to breath for a very long time but eventually, breathing will get easier.

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  24. Have no fear....I am coming to Utah and we will play and laugh and sing and be silly. Hang in there Molls, the dawn will come :)

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  25. I almost don't feel worthy to comment on such a post, but I must say something. Your words move me to tears EVERY time I read. Seeing pictures of your beautiful Lucy breaks my heart and I have never met her. I cannot even imagine how deep your pain is, but please know that you are uplifting and strengthening other mothers out there.. those who get frustrated and wish to have some ALONE time. Your eloquent words and your vulnerability are so inspiring. What a wonderful example of strength you are to so many. Thank you for sharing. I pray that peace will come again soon.

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  26. I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said here. Four months is nothing. Your love is forever. Your family is forever. They say time heals wounds--but what do they know anyway? When you lose a child, how does that wound ever seal? I thank God that your family is sealed, and you will be able to watch sweet Lucy grow up in the millenneum. Hang in there dear Molly, I'm glad you have Vic to hold on to, and this new life growing within--bittersweet perhaps, but a blessing all the same.

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  27. I am so sorry. I read your post and quickly left my computer and have had tears in my eyes and down my cheeks for the last 4 hours. I often put myself in your shoes (and sometimes, most always, its more than I can bare). I can only hope that if it were me, I would have the strength you have. I even think it took great strength from you to write this post today! keep breathing...even as a stranger I wish I could make any part of this easier for you:(

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  28. Oh molly I am so sorry, This is so hard so very hard I know how you feel one day you feel like you are healing and the next you may feel like you are right where you started. I can only say this, your sister is right live one breath at a time and cling to vic. if you try to live more it just brings more pain. I love you and please if you need anything please call.

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  29. I am a complete stranger to you. I check your blog ever since I found it a few weeks ago. First I have to tell you have such an amazing spirit. Thank you for sharing all of your feelings with us. Second Lucy is beautiful. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Words cannot express what my heart goes through when I read your blog. I also want to tell you thank you. Because of your blog I no longer take those little things for granted. I cherish every moment I have with my daughter. Keep relying on your husband and your faith. Someday your wounds will heal. Someday you will be with your Lucy again. For now she is your guardian angel.

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  30. One of my favorite quotes,
    "I know God won't give my anything I can't handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much." It's been 4 years and the pain lessens, but some days it's just as strong and so hard to bear. Just talk to Lucy!
    Remember she is YOUR guardian angel now, yours and Vic's. When you need her she's there for you, she has to be and she will be! She is so close to you, closer than you really know!

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  31. Vic and Molly,

    I think of you all the time. I talk about you often. I cry for you. I don't know how you manage to make it through this. I hate this pain that has been heaped on you. I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

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  32. You know, when we had our twins at 29 weeks, everyone around us was constantly telling us that the NICU is a roller coaster. Some days you are at the top of the hill and the sun is shining, other days you are in the trough and everything is dark.

    What no one ever told me is that losing a child is like a roller coaster. Some days you are at the top of the hill, you are coping, maybe even able to smile that day, but in the next instant you are plummeting, everything is dismal and sad, and climbing the hill again is a tremendous struggle, but there is ALWAYS another hill to climb with sunshine and happiness at the top.

    It makes it easier for me to get through the valleys. To allow myself to weep and mourn and know that I will struggle up the hill and find happiness again, even for a short while.

    I lost my daughter six years ago and I still have valleys in my life, they may not come quite as frequently but they do still come. I think August and September was one big looooooooong dark valley for me. I cried every single day, began to doubt that I would ever find happiness or peace in my heart with my loss, but here I sit, I am about halfway up the hill, beginning to see the sun again.

    I know there will be more valleys, probably for the rest of my life, but knowing that I will see the sun again helps me to keep going. Although I do have days where I wish God would call me home because I am tired of walking this path, and anxious to be reunited with my daughter again. I have a mission to complete here on earth, I don't know what it is yet, but I am going to keep plugging along.

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  33. Molly, Vic, I love you. May the Lord bless you in your time of need.

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  34. Just another 1 from HS (Tyler Ashcraft), usually just a browser, but couldn't pass up the opportunity to comment. I hope it is okay... Probably to the tune you've already heard, but for what its worth...

    How fortunate, how blessed is the child who feels the affection of his or her parents. -Pres. Hinckley

    I know, from the feeling in your blogs that your little one is blessed, beyond measure, every moment of every day. Not only to have a loving Heavenly Father who called her home to be with Him, but to have parents who love her even though she is gone. She misses both of you too, and wants you to be happy and successful. She wants so much for you to continue on, in the faith, doing and moving forward. Keeping her in your thoughts as you continue to succeed and enjoy life to its fullest. Not to feel sorry, but to feel true joy. Thank goodness in the fullness of the truth, and the ability to confirm its validity.

    May you continue to count the time she spent with you a blessing, not a burden. His plans are greater than us all, may we all have faith in His when the day turns dreary. May we have the power to overcome the tests we've been sent to weather. He is there, I know He is, and is mindful of us as we ride the ride here on earth.

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  35. oh, i am so deeply sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. i cannot even begin to imagine the heartache and grief. i am a stranger, eyes full of tears, and i am offering a prayer right now.

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  36. you don't know me but someone recommended your blog to me just recently.

    last year, i lost my 5 week old son to SIDS. it was just as yours where it was completely unexpected and i had no time to prepare myself for it. i was lost in misery for an entire year.

    i have a 2 1/2 year old daughter, Gracie, and she was about 19 months when i lost my son, Gus.

    my heart breaks for you. i know what it is to have a wonderful daughter who is your best friend and i know what it is to lose a child. since the year anniversary of the loss of Gus, i've become much closer with Gracie and appreciated her more. but the pain of losing my son hasn't fully gone away and i don't think it ever will.

    i hope you can be comforted by the fact that time is the greatest healer. i remember screaming at myself for being so miserable and wanting to scream at everyone else for telling me 'it just takes time' but there really is no other way to get through something like this.

    take it one day at a time and always remember to take deep breaths.

    if you ever want to vent or anything you can email me at melmckinnon77@yahoo.com.

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  37. Molly, I feel so silly leaving a comment for you as I am a complete stranger and came upon your blog by chance perhaps. I just want to tell you that your feelings are appreciated and validated. I know all too well the pain and sorrow you feel and the sadness that can overcome your soul when everyone else gets to 'move forward' and you feel stuck and left behind. After finding your blog I read just about the entire site and without a doubt you love your precious Lucy whole heartedly. What a gift! I couldn't find a email address for you on your page, but perhaps it would be alright if I leave mine. I would love to be able to talk to you.
    Yours Truly,
    Skylette (sky@juno.com)

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  38. I have been really struggling today and am so glad I found your post. It has been 2.5 months since Beatrice died and it is still so hard and I miss her terribly.

    There are those moments of hope, but there are always the awful and sad moments mixed in.

    I'm so glad you shared this. It helps many of us -- more than you can imagine.

    Love,
    Abby

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  39. Molly,

    I've been grieving pretty hard the last few weeks as I am preparing to lose my dad any day. This quote has helped me and I hope it helps you.

    "It is imperative to remember He is right there with us as He has ALWAYS been. When we weep, He and the angels of heaven weep with us..when suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we have been in our entire lives. Bad days come to an end. Faith always triumphs. Heavenly promises are always kept." Jeffrey R. Holland

    May God bless and keep you every waking hour.

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  40. Molly, I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. I came about your blog from my friend Jenny Rush, she told me that she served in your same Mission are but never was your companion. I read your blog last week and have been alitle hesitant in leaving a message for you. But I decided to leave my story. I now have 2 beautiful kids, kaylee who is 5 and Braden is 3. My first pregnancy ended on a tragic note. I was 36 weeks along when my baby died and I had to deliver her and the pain was so strong knowing that my baby was dead. We wanted her so bad and yet she was gone so quickly. My testimony ever since has been strenghend because of this tragedy in my life. And I feel your pain and I know that we have one thing in common which is the Gospel. We have the knowledge that we will be able to see our little girls again, someday. And that if we are worthy we will be able to raise them after the resurrection. I'am very much comforted because of this. I know your loss was recent and it will hurt for awhile but things will get better and you will feel better soon. I feel like I know you because by reading your blog alot of the same things that you are going through, I went through also. And it seems you have a great husband that supports you and that grieves with you. I remember days after I lost my Brianna, I was laying in bed crying and just stayed in bed all day because the pain was so unbearable and the first time I went back to church after the passing of my baby, I felt so out of place. Heavely Father loves us and we are his children and he is there always and with his help and with our faith we will keep on going. I hope all is well and if you need someone to talk to my email is yadiras78@hotmail.com or you can see my blog at guillenfamily.blogspot.com.

    Love, Yadira

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  41. Oh my dear Molly. I hope the sun will shine again soon. I know it will. Just keep on breathing. You can do this.
    I'd love to get together again. Love Tami

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  42. Dear Molly,
    I have been bawling for hours now! I don't know what to say to you... but I am so so very sorry. And also I think that Lucy is THE most beautiful girl. Gorgeous. And I'm praying for you. And I'm so sorry.

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  43. P.S. Just so you don't think I'm crazy I wanted to just tell you I got your blog from my Uncle Weldon who said you were a wonderful sister missionary when he was mission president in Illinois. :)

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  44. you do make me remember how blessed i am. i've left a comment before to tell you how you inspire me. that you breathe and get through everyday, amazes me. that you cling to your husband inspires me to have the kind of marriage that could get through serious trails is remarkable. I wish you still had your lucy, it just doesn' t seem fair. i pray for you, i cry for you, i love you because you are my sister in the gospel, but i don't know you. i wish i did because i think you are an amazing person, and like i have commented before you inspire me to be a better mother, to live in every moment with my daughters and appreciate them more. I am ashamed to read you blog today and think how truely trivial my concerns for the day were; a fussy baby, a messy house, a lost wallet. you reminded me of whats really important. please remember people you don't even know are praying for you and vic. love, lori

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  45. Absolutely take it second by second. Four months out was very difficult for me and many women I know had quite the setback at that time.

    I know Lucy is around you, she is there watching you and holding you and loving you. You are so blessed to have had her in your life, you are blessed to have the strength to express your feelings. Keep feeling them, keep working through it, keep going-you are stronger than you even know.

    Sometimes after Hazel died when I couldn't find it in me to do anything but cry and think of her and all that was lost...All I would do in a day is shower, curl up in clean comfy clothes on the couch and watch a funny movie. It may sound so trivial but truly being able to laugh at something can lift you up and change your day. Other days I did nothing but cry and it is OK if you need days like that. Whatever you are feeling right now is OK-don't let anyone tell you differently.

    Remember grieving and wading through these feelings is so important, you become stronger each second, you are learning something every single second of this process.

    You will make it through this.

    Meghan
    http://livebrightly.typepad.com

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  46. keep going, keep going. you are not in this alone! extra prayers coming your way tonight.

    love,
    a knowing heart

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  47. Thanks for reminding me that I am blessed.

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  48. I am back commenting again. I just need to let you know that you have had a big impact on my life. Let me tell you why.

    I have a CRAZY little two year old. He is exhausting in every way. He is the human form of a tornado and turns everything around him into a disaster. I love him, but he honestly drives me insane. Today he managed to empty an entire bottle of dark green craft paint on the carpet of our brand new house (we just moved in a couple of weeks ago.) My walls were freshly painted, and he decided he wanted them green.

    When I saw what had happened and what a MESS it was, I didn't care. Your beautiful words were freshly in my mind, and I honestly didn't react negatively. I put him in the bathtub, calmly cleaned up the mess, and went about mothering the way I should have. During the process, I just kept saying, "why I am acting so calm and relaxed?" And the answer is because of Lucy... because of your pain and your example...

    Thank you for having the courage (and the talent) to write like you do and for allowing the rest of us to take part. Lucy is a lucky girl to have a mother who loves her so!

    ps.. I linked pictures to the disaster on my blog along with a dedication to you and your beautiful little angel.

    www.ajshumway.blogspot.com

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  49. It's o.k. to feel this way and you will have days like this for the rest of your life , but it's ok to feel them. without the rain you wouldn't appreciate the sunny days. Bless your heart, and take care.

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  50. Molly & Vic, you are incredible! And....YOU ARE NORMAL!!! I remember telling people "Yea right, this is NOT normal." But it is, and you have helped me put words to the grief that is normal. Just remember, each day you make it through, is one day closer to the resurrection. You are not alone. Some of us DO know what you're going through and it helps us to be there emotionally WITH you. Thanks for sharing....

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  51. Hi Molly,

    You have no idea who i am, we found your blog along time ago when Lucy had her first accident. my wife and i look at your blog constantly, many tears have been shed for you and many prayers as well. We havent had a tradgedy, and i hope never will. Thank you for being open about you trial, those seem like such ironic and mean words. I wish you didnt have to go through this, reading your story makes me a better father. So my kids thank you as well, because of you and your tragedy i constantly try to make sure and cherish each moment with my kids and make time for silly times. I hope peace a tranquility can come to you during your times of need.

    Jimmy Evans

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  52. Hi Molly - you don't know me, but I feel like I have gotten to know you through your blog. I am so sorry for your loss. My sister lives near you, in your stake. She lost her son (a 20 year old LDS missionary...Elder Matthew Knoop) 5 months ago. He was killed by a drunk hit and run driver in Brazil. She is suffering just as you are. She feels, as you do, that the pain is getting worse, not better. I'm wondering if it might be helpful for the two of you to meet and talk and help each other. You both are suffering the same sorrow over losing your children and it might be comforting to talk to someone who knows how you feel. If you are interested and think it might be helpful, please email me and I can help set it up.
    In the meantime, may God bless you. --Kris Prince

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  53. Oh Molly,

    I am so sorry. Life is hard and unfair. Sometimes you wonder how you can even breathe. Hang in there. Lucy is rooting for you. She needs you to make it. We are all rooting for you, and praying too. Love you, Cassi

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  54. Molly, hang in there. I am so sorry. You are loved by so many. I love you. Lyndi

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  55. Oh how I wish I had a clever quote or powerful story to say to you right now, but I don't. I have no idea how you are feeling or anything to move this dark cloud of despair hanging over you, all I do know is you are truly inspiring and amazing in every way. Oh how I love your writing, it is so beautiful (and scary because it touches such deep feelings clear down in my insides) It is so phenomenal I feel as though
    I am reading something private, and meant for other eyes than mine. Then I realize it is only because you are able to describe your feelings so perfectly that you are able to connect so deeply with your readers (me). I hope for some peace in the not to distant future for you and your sweet Vic.

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  56. You write beautifully. Thank you for sharing what you're going through in this most difficult time of life for you and your hubby.

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  57. Molly, I am one of those people who do not know you. But, I have been following Lucy's story since the accident. This is my first time to post but I wanted you to know that you are always in my prayers and that by expressing your feelings you are helping your soul to heal. Lucy is beautiful, thank you for allowing a stranger to be apart of your life.

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  58. Hi Molly, I know the roller coaster ride you are on. Maybe you feel much better now than you did when you wrote this post, I hope. My sister-in-law wrote a post today I think you'd like to read. Our children (a son for her, a daughter for me) were born 3 months apart. They died less than 2 years apart and are buried side by side. Her post today is titled "Blessed By An Angel"
    www.grumpyangel.blogspot.com

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  59. Thanks for commenting. Yes, I am Jeff Leger's mom. The blog you read is my sis-in-law. She and my brother lost their first (and only, at the time) child. It was less than 2 weeks before Christmas 1989. It was sudden and unexpected. A shock for the entire family. My daughter (who was just 3 months younger than my nephew) was diagnosed with a brain tumor 8 months after he passed away. I know you can imagine how hard that was for our entire family. Two precious children. You commented on my post titled August 15. I wrote a post on May 13 (Ashleigh's b-day) that will tell you more about her. I have found myself following your blog and a few others, wishing that I had had such an outlet when I really needed it. Ashleigh and Christopher are buried next to each other in the cemetery by the Bountiful Temple. I work in the Avenues not far from the SL cemetery. We have indeed received many gifts from heaven, besides Tara who you read about in the post. AJ was born to my brother and his wife and Caitlin to us. They are cousins spaced in age almost exactly the same as Ashleigh and Christopher.

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  60. Mollie & Vic,
    This is the first time I have posted on a blog of someone I do not know. In reading of your loss, I feel of your strength. I sit here in tears, reflecting on my life and reevaluating what is really important. Thank you for openly sharing your feelings, your faith, and your testimony of the gospel with the world.

    I am going to go hug my teenagers and remember how grateful I am to have them!

    Marci Belnap
    Logan, Utah

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  61. Molly,
    I've been reading your blog for sometime now and have found so much strength through you. Tonight as I was reading scriptures, this one popped up and straight away, I thought of Lucy...Mosiah 16:9

    Like Christ and through Christ, Lucy is a light that will never be darkened. I'm so impressed with your family and I feel such love for you and your daughter.

    Love,
    Laura Dibble

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  62. Molly~

    You take my breath away.

    Thank you for your strong, sweet spirit.

    Thank you for your honesty...for posting the ups and the downs.

    Thank you for reminding me about the things that are truly important.

    You and Vic remain in my prayers.

    xoxo

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  63. I love you Smolls! You are never alone.

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  64. Molly -
    I love you and have been touched so much by your openness and honesty.
    Thank you for sharing. Your often in my thoughts and always in my prayers. Becky

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  65. Molly and Vic, hang in there. You WILL hold her again. It's been only 10 days since I've held my angel, my sweet sweet perfect angel. I'm not too far, we can cry together. You are stronger than you know. Meeting you and Stephanie was good for me. Thank you.

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  66. I'm so sorry about your loss. And the people on the outside don't believe you should be healed at all. The way i see it is you absolutely have to feel everything you are feeling without guilt or judgment. You and your family are in my prayers. Congratulations on your new gift.

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  67. Molly,

    You are in my thoughts often. I love that you have a talent for sharing perspective with us who care about you and wonder how you are. I find myself tuning into your blog often for a daily dose of Molly. I love the analogy about the beetle...I always feel so guilty washing them down the tub!!You are such a great writer and truly an inspiration. I just wanted to tell you that I am happy to hear you are expecting a new addition to your family. That is wonderful news. There was a beautiful talk given in conference today about how Heavenly Father sends his angels, both mortal and immortal, to be with us in time of need. Your words have been so uplifting as you have shared the struggle to push on...you are an angel Molly. I pray that God's angels surround you and Vic as you continue forward on your journey.

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  68. Molly, I know the last thing you probably want to hear is that you are normal. Especially when normal would be having the life you knew with Lucy back, but I know that grieving like this is normal and I am thankful that you have the blog as an outlet to vent. It is so much better than keeping it bottled inside. Plus you have helped so many through your thoughts and faith. Again, I hope I haven't offended you. I guess I just wanted to somehow let you know that you are doing the right things to get through this. I agree with your sister, take it one breath at a time. It's been over ten years since my dad slipped away in my arms and I still have my moments. Like you I continue to learn to appreciate the moments, even the ruff ones. Days like this can often offer a sweet release of all that you feel inside. Your burden may not disappear but I know that our Savior will help to make your burden light. You are much loved.

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  69. I enjoy reading your blog because you can write in words the feelings and the thoughts that you have. I am not good with the writen word. I have very simular thoughts and feelings. I found your blog two months ago when it was the four month mark of the death of our oldest daughter Kraven. Today it was six months ago. It was fast and we had no time to even to think. I think of you and your Lucy often. Hang in there and keep writing. You have a wonderful talent of being able to express your thoughts and feelings with the writen word. My prayers are with you.

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  70. Molly-
    After reading your story I thought way leave the tub. Just give the bug some food and water. You were given great advise and those that have experience in what you are going through say it gets better. None of them say you get to ever leave the tub. ad65shorty commented about her brother dieing. She said,"I hate to say it, but know that the pain will never go away. It may change" I don't think you want it to go away, right?. You just want it to change.

    What if you gave up trying to climb out of a bathtub that will kill you. Instead turn around and find food and water and change your feelings to feelings you want to have.

    I hope you understood what I was trying to say. I have no understanding of the pain you feel. What I do see is the amazing love that people have aloud to come into their hearts. I think Aaron always loved you as a close friend would. Now he morns with you which caused his heart to grow much bigger.

    I hope someday you will be able to stop trying to climb out of your world. Maybe change your feelings from pain to something else. Then maybe see how much love and charity you have all around you. Your life is so full of love. I am shocked at how much love you have in your life. I wonder sometimes why some people don't have it as good. Many times I've cried because I don't have the love or I can see that I do.

    I don't understand the pain you feel. It hurts me to think of another human being having to feel pain like that. I don't understand. AND I am very sorry you do. What I do see is a lot of people that sincerely love you, deeply. Wow your world is so full and beautiful!

    I say these thoughts with all the love I too have grown to have for you. Love, Crystalyn Hull.

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  71. Molly,

    You do not know me, for I am just a bashful lurker of your blog, but I feel as if I know you. I am LDS and have thought non stop of you and Vic these last few weeks...since I first read/found your blog. I have a daughter. She is an only child. My worst fear happened to you and Vic. Some of the conference talks this weekend kept my mind on you. I kept thinking and praying that somehow, the same spirit I was feeling would somehow reach you. I wondered how you were feeling...if any of the words being spoken were lending any comfort at that particular moment in time. My heart breaks, aches for you. As a mother I know you. I don't know what it feels like to have lost such a precious gift but I live my life in fear each day, anxiety taking control, because I fear what you lost. Please know that each and every day this strange woman from Texas is praying for you...pleading with Heavenly Father to send peace. I know it sounds so stalkish of me to say that I think about you daily but I do. I must admit that I shy from my emotions when it comes to reading your blog...mainly because every time I read about your "good" day or "bad" day I am in tears. I have grown with you, mourned with you over and over, and will continue to pray on your behalf. You are a beautiful and strong daughter of God. I am thankful that you continue to write your thoughts and vent. They strengthen me and help me in ways that I never knew possible. I have an overwhelming desire to just embrace you in my arms...if I could, I would, and perhaps one day after the resurrection when you have sweet Lucy in your arms once again I will see you from across the way and come running to you, finally to embrace the woman that has made me stronger. Keep on. Have faith. You can do this. My prayers are with you.

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  72. Molly NOOOOOO-

    Molly I love your blog. I am so moved by your descriptions of your grief. I am grateful that you would share that with all of us, and how you are getting through it day by day. I know there are some in our culture who think that we must always find joy in our trials, and that we should look for the positive when we are sad. I just want to level those people. Because sometimes life just is the craps and there is no way around it. I find so much comfort that the scriptures confirm that there is a time to grieve(lest we forget the first lines from "A Time to Love") and that Christ wept for Lazarus even though you know he understood everything that was going to happen in the end. Listen to me go on, to sum up thank you for your honesty in helping us to understand what this experience is. I honor you and your husband and want you to know that you are still in my prayers. I love you guys.

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  73. I, too, found your blog by chance. I spent two hours reading about you and Lucy and crying my eyes out. I come back regularly now. When I read your blog it helps me to remember what is truly important in life. It teaches me to appreciate the blessings in my life in a way I haven't before.

    I am so sorry for your loss. I pray for you every night. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through, but I have a testimony of prayer and since that is all I can do for you I will continue to do it! Your Lucy is so beautiful.

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  74. You don't know me, but we unfortunately share the same pain...the death of our beautiful baby girls. My daughter, Trinity, died last year from open heart surgery...she was 5 and a half. Her story is on her website at www.trinadams.com if you're interested. It's been a shitty year, to say the least. I'm LDS and I struggle. I know your anger, your pain, your saddness, your confussion...I am so sorry. I just recently joined the blog of "Angel Moms" and found your precious daughter on that blog. All I can say is that time doesn't heal...in time you just get used to the pain. The pain continues to stay because the love of your baby will stay. If you're interested, read a book called "How to survive the Loss of a child" by Catherine Sanders...it really helped me in a shattered world. It didn't take away my pain, but it gave me direction again. If you ever want to talk, here's my e-mail adamsfamily97@yahoo.com and my name is Melinda Adams. Hugs to you from another hurting "Angel Mom"

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  75. Hey Molly...I wanted to answer your question. You asked me if I've been able to find meaning or some sort of "positive-ness" in the death of Trinity, that I couldn't have learned elsewhere. Before Trinity came into my life, I was a black and white mormon. Did everything by the book. Not realizing it, but judging those who weren't "Black and White" mormons. Trinity kicked me on my ass...her sickness kept her in the hospital for her first 2 years of life. She was home with us the last 3.5 years, then her sickness took her life. I went through periods of anger with God (still am dealing with that in fact). Couldn't believe He would do this to me...after how "Righteous" I was living. Temple marriage, no sex till marriage, no cussing, no drugs, no alcohol, ect. But one thing Trinity gave me was perspective. I understand pain. I understand depression, I understand loneliness, I understand saddness, I understand how people go inactive, I understand anger. Things I never understood before, but thinking I did. I have more compassion and sympathy towards those who struggle with life. However, I would take all that understanding back to have my baby girl back in my arms again.

    At Trinity's 1-year mark, I still struggle, but it's different. I'm not breaking down every min. of every day...I'm breaking down a few times a month...so that's progress. The ache and pain in my heart is still so strong and there, but I'm managing to learn to live with it. I hope that answers your question. Keep hanging in there, and never let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn't grieve. I've had to be pretty stern with people about that.

    P.S. I live in California, but have lots of family in Utah.

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  76. Dear Miss Molly,

    You don't know me, but my heart aches for the loss of your precious Lucy and I shed tears for you and Vic every time I read your blog, or think of the pain that breaks your heart (I have been visiting it since late May.) I kept thinking of you during General Conference, hoping that something said would help you. I can't imagine how difficult your life must be right now. I continue to pray for your heart to be comforted and that Christ may ease your pain.

    With love from Boston,

    Emily

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  77. Sometimes it's okay to be broken.

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  78. A beautiful sentence 'amander' wrote- 'sometimes it's okay to be broken.'
    that is a truth.

    i stumbled across your blog and was deeply moved and yes, impressed with your words in this post. to be so honest is how you are finding that footing on the impossibly slippery slope. to tell the truth about what you are living without and what that leaves behind.

    your daughter is so beautiful. and i see, so is her mom.

    xo

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