Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Aaron Hull, a dear friend of mine, sent me the following email over a month ago. It was beautiful and profound and exactly what I needed to hear. It's what I needed at the time, and it's what I need to remind myself today, and everyday, so that I am not swallowed up in my sorrow.
"I was studying about Peter walking on the water to Christ today and thought of you and Vic and thought I'd share what I found. You know the story, Peter tries to walk on the water to Christ, does it, looks up and realizes he is doing it, and sinks. Most people focus on the fact that if he would have just concentrated, he would have been able to keep doing it, and that sometimes the world distracts us. I agree, but I think there is more. I think, the big lesson is not that he sank, but that Christ helped him back up. And almost as important, he made it back to the boat with Christ's help. If you look closely (this is all in Matt. 14), the storm continued all the way until they got in the boat (v. 32).
Now, I, as you know, have sunk many times. I have been there to have Him say "O thou of little faith." But, to me, that is not important to Him. What is important, is the time together as they walked back to the boat, and the lesson that Peter was able to learn. So, Peter Pan...cool eh? You are Peter! There is a tragedy that has happened. The great thing about what you and Vic are doing is not significant in the fall, but in the fact that Christ loves to walk on the water with you back to the boat...is it hard? ABSOLUTELY! Does He know that? OF COURSE! I am proud of the way that you walk on the water Molly Bice Jackson. I am proud of the way that Lucy, through you, is able to be lifting others up to the surface to get them back in the boat. Also, we must realize that the storm will only stop when we make it to the boat...and that may be a long walk, but He is there with you!"
I have been floundering. Drowning in my sorrows. Not doing a good job at keeping my head above water. My grief and depression are overwhelming at times. Absolutely overwhelming. I've never had the breath knocked out of me from crying so hard. I have never felt more alone. But Aaron is right, Christ is with me on my journey back to the boat. He is with all of us. He is there in the form of friends, books, spiritual manifestations, and He is literally THERE.
We are doing more things than sitting around and crying, but no matter what we are doing, we are thinking about Lucy and grieving. I don't want my blog posts to be downers, I don't want to be focused solely inward and forget that life is inately good. There is still so much to be grateful for and reasons to rejoice, people to help. I know this is my season to grieve, but I know that I am more than self pity. My friends and family remind me of this. I am strong. I am Lucy's mom. I am a fighter. I have sunk to the depths and feel like there is no bottom as I continue sinking. My faith has faltered many times. But like Peter, I will be rescued and make my way back to the boat. I will. I will.
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