The Missing

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 8:46 AM

I am having a particularly difficult day today. My sister, Amy, was here for a week and I had to say goodbye to her yesterday. I love her dearly. I will write more about her visit next week. For now, I will say that she has been my saving grace these past few months. I didn't know my love for her could run so deeply. She is one of my heroes and if you have ever had the privilege of meeting her, you know what an outstanding individual she is. Her absence is adding to my heartache, but like the article attested to yesterday, this emptiness gives me the opportunity to be filled. Next time I see her will be all the better because of the missing. Much like it will be with Lucy. Only the waiting and waiting and waiting for that sweet reunion is so much longer.

Tami reminded me yesterday that "feeling is healing". Today is one of those days I just want to immerse myself in my sorrow and let the waves crash above my head. Vic is at work, the neighbor and ward kids are back in school, friends and parents are at work, and I feel so alone in my "new life." I have no other children to take care of, no semblence of normalcy in my schedule. Not only was my child taken away from me, but my life. My purpose. My schedule. My role.

I am sitting at the computer wrapped in Lucy's favorite blanket. She called it her "B". Nights when I miss her more acutely than others, I hold it tightly as I sleep. I am in denial today. I wished it never happened. I think of her that day at church, the scene in the parking lot, the bandages wrapped around her head in the hospital to test her brain activity. I want to scream, "NOOOO! This didn't happen! Where is my Lucy??" My arms feel so empty today.

My friend Angela, whom I met while performing in Peter Pan, made this beautiful tribute to Lucy back in June. I watched it once, but it was too painful for me. Today, I welcome the pain. My eyes will be swollen again tomorrow, but I don't care.
"Feeling is Healing" and today I welcome the feeling. A few months before Lucy's accident, Angela sent me the CD that contains the beautiful music you will hear on this video. I would sing these two particular songs to Lucy over and over again as we drove in the car. I remember singing the second song and crying as I pictured the scene this song paints. I played it for Vic one day and said, "It is so sad. It is about someone dying." We sat and listened to it quietly. We didn't know anyone who was dying, but it was so powerful to me. I would cry as I sang the first one too, because it is all about gratitude and amazement for your very own child. Perhaps it was part of my preparation;intelligent and beautiful music that spoke to my soul and
allowed me to reflect on life and death and love. I share it with you now as I weep for my daughter.


  • Share:

You Might Also Like

48 Loving Lines

  1. I love you, sister. Like the doctor told us in the hospital, just let these storms of grief come. You do need to feel to heal. I just wish I could do it for you. As one of my friends told me, hopefully all of the tears shed on your behalf will lessen your own. I'm adding to the pool of tears today. And just as you let the storms of grief come, let yourself continue to feel joy and happiness with your friends and family and your memories of Lucy.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know that time with Amy went too fast...I love the words "feeling is healing" and believe that is the key....because in all your feeling you will feel Heavenly Father's love too, in the mix. I appreciate too that in ways you didn't realize you were being prepared for the unknowable. Love you all.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am a lurker on your blog - but I am coming out of lurking for a moment to say how much the slideshow of Lucy has touched my heart.

    How much *Lucy* has touched my heart.

    I wish you the calm after the storm. The smiles after the tears. The filling up after the empty.

    ReplyDelete
  4. that was beautiful. My brother in law and sister in law lost their daughter in January. I hope you feel the prayers offered by strangers on your behalf. Lucy is beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You don't know me, but today I am weeping with you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Miss Molly -

    Overwhelming love and sorrow for you.

    I love you and think about you often. I know as time goes by, you will feel more lonely as the rest of the world continues and you feel frozen in time in your mourning and longing.

    The Savior will hold you in those still and seemingly alone times.

    "Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God." (D&C 101:16)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Another "Lurker" who is crying with you. Your words are as beautiful as your sweet lucy. I

    Is your friend Angela the one signing? Is there any place to get those songs? They are both beautiful and I would love to have them.

    I pray for you and so many others who have lost their sweet babies

    ReplyDelete
  8. Molly,
    Oh I wish you didn't have to go through this. I think about you and sweet Lucy all of the time. How do you do it? My heart aches tremendously and I don't even know you. I wish I could help comfort you with words or anything. I am thinking about you today, and praying that you have comfort. Your family has touched me so much.

    With love,
    Julie

    Please let me know if I can help in anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  9. As I sit here I weep with you. Yesterday Bella asked when Lucy is coming back from Heaven. I told her, that we will go there to her when it is time, that she will not come here. After a discussion about Lucy being called home by Heavenly Father, and me bearing my testimony to her, she said...and I tremble as I say this...she said "Why did her mommy let her go?" to heaven? I held her and explained that while mommy's are powerful and timeless beyond belief, that we have no choice. Then of course with the innocence that only a child can muster she continued her play outside with Harry and I wept in the chair for a while. Why can't we do that, just get up and continue like children? It makes no sense. I am so sorry for your pain, please know that as you swim through the grief, light surrounds you and people are cheering from both sides of the shore for you bouy yourself up and keep coming. Love you, miss you. Come see me, if you need to get away.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wow! That was such an amazing, touching song, video and tribute to your beautiful Lucy. I don't think anyone could get through that without the tears falling. I am so sorry for your sorrow. You are right, without the sorrow, the happiness isn't as appreciated. I do hope that you will be able to take some measure of comfort in knowing that many, people around the world, are praying for your healing, and comfort. Your purpose is not gone Molly. You are helping and inspiring people beyond your knowledge. My sincerest prayers are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Molly, you don't know me either. I lurk on a few sites like yours because I work on the front lines of gang violence, and it comforts me to be at home for a minute among others who are mourning the loss of children. I have loved and so appreciated several of your recent posts -- yesterday and the meditation on "triumphs and defeats" in particular. I've been in this line for well more than a decade, and I am amazed by how quickly you have gained insights that have come to me only slowly, after many years.

    Your name was written on my heart this morning. Somehow I knew you were struggling, and I clicked over to your site mid-day, which I rarely ever do. I'm so glad for your candor because you have helped me know how to pray for you. I don't have a car. I am preparing to make a long walk later this afternoon, and I will be praying for mercy and comfort for you all along the way.

    In the meantime, here's what I want to offer you from my perspective. I live shoulder-to-shoulder with people who walk out on the streets to negotiate gang truces while the bullets are sure to be flying in retaliation … Almost all my colleagues are out there because they lost their own sons, some time back, and this work is their way of creating a living memorial.

    I want to tell you clearly that in time they figured out how to make their beloved children a living, life-affirming force for all the rest of us. They’ve made those boys present years later even to those of us who didn’t know them in the flesh, and to join hands in fellowship with each other to keep right on loving Rodney and Raghib and Gerald, Jr. turns out to be a very powerful thing.

    We’ve all learned together the truth of this declarative, “He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Ecclesiastes 3:11) … even this, though it feels anything but beautiful at the moment.

    I was very struck by your explanation that you have lost your entire life for the present. My prayer is that you know your new mission soon -- one that will be a living memorial to your Lucy. I wish I could help keep you company in the flesh in this time, but since I live on the East Coast I'll be beaming all the love and support I can from here.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dear Molly...thank you for posting that beautiful video of Lucy. It is evident the joy that she brought in to your life. I too, hope that the tears shed on your behalf will somehow lessen your own. I weep with you. Every mother does. There are no words my tiny mind can think of to comfort you, but know my heart is full of love and compassion for you and your family. I know that Lucy is preparing a place for you in heaven, and I know she finds joy in her role. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this journey with us.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Wise words, feeling is healing.

    I love you, Molly Jackson.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Lucy is Beautiful. You don't know me, I got to your blog from the angel blog-hope that is okay. My heart truly aches for you today. I pray for you to be able to grieve-I know it hurts so bad-but know it is necessary. Did you ever think your heart could ache with such intense pain? My thoughts and prayers are with you today.

    ReplyDelete
  15. A friend of a friend passed along your story and your site...

    Holding you near in prayer today as you make your way through the pain and the "new" days ahead.

    I am just emerging from the early grief fog after my son's passing last winter. It was a long, cold, hard winter and I feel your pain with you.

    Lucy is beautiful.

    www.runafteryou.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. What a beautiful little angel. Although I can't even begin to imagine the emotions you run through each day, I'm thankful for all that you've shared about yourself and your life over the last few months. You will never know how much you have strenghthened my testimony and helped me to try and appreciate the valuable gift of life. I agree with your friend that feeling is healing, and that in time it will get easier. Thank you again for your strength, your testimony and the love you have for your daughter. You are still in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Molly and Vic:
    I'm always incredibly moved reading your blog. I know there's so little I can do - but please always know that I (and many others here in LA) love you tons.
    Hopefully I get to see you this weekend.
    -Eric

    ReplyDelete
  18. That was so beautiful... thank you for sharing it with all of us. I am trying so hard to write my story on the Angels page but it is so hard. Best wishes
    Love;
    Denine (from Canada)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Molly, thank you for sharing your feelings so freely. I am so sorry for the sorrow that you and Vic are going through. I wish I knew something I could do to take a little piece of that sorrow away from you. I haven't experienced the kind of tragedy you are going through in my life, and I wish I knew what to say to make you feel a little bit better. Just know that Ryan and I love you and think of you often. Every time I drive by the Kimball Ward on my way to Salt Lake, I think of you, and there have been times I have wanted to stop by but have been too afraid to bother you. We miss seeing you and Vic and Lucy. Thanks for being a great friend to me in the past. You are such an amazing person.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I saw this video on youtube a few months ago and sobbed. What beautiful pictures and music! I can only imagine how grateful you are for all the darling pictures you have of sweet Lucy. I am so sorry for the pain you continue to feel- I can't even imagine. My prayers for you continue...

    ReplyDelete
  21. Molly -
    I have found your blog through Tami's (she is my sister's sister-in-law). I have been so grateful for the feelings that you share. I too lost my 2 1/2 year old daughter almost 3 1/2 years ago. In a lot of ways, your words help to bring back many of the feelings that I have tried to push aside as I have dealt with my pain. I am so grateful for the beautiful video of your sweet Lucy. She is an absoulute angel. I hope you can feel her close as you long to hold her and feel her. I would love to know the name and writer of the second song - as it is so fitting for my daughter. Thank you for letting me and so many others into your world. I will pray for your heart to have peace.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Thanks for writing Molly. This is a very beautiful video. I love Lucy.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Molly~
    I'm adding my tears to yours again. So beautiful. So perfect.
    You and Vic are still in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Feeling your feelings is so important, letting them take over is absolutely a huge part of healthy grieving. You are doing so well, I know you probably don't feel like it but you are.

    Meghan
    http://livebrightly.typepad.com

    ReplyDelete
  25. I peer in on your life occasionally, from Leslie & Rachel's blogs. I am their Aunt and have been deeply touched by your story. Your loss, the pain, the memories and the perspective you bring to each feeling. This video and the music where so beautiful. The tears flowed as I watched and listened. I admire your strength and the out pouring of feelings and love that come from your words. You are truly blessed to have had the time you had with your beautiful angel Lucy. May time lessen the pain for you and intensify the memories.

    ReplyDelete
  26. What a beautiful way to welcome Lucy into all of out hearts. My continued prayers for God's healing hand in your life, and that of your families.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Molly, Molly, Molly,

    I wish I could just hold you in my arms and ease your pain. Your words and thoughts are beautiful.

    You go right ahead and cry,cry, cry and tomorrow will be a new day.
    Feeling is truly healing.

    I love you so and pray for your comfort.

    Suzanne

    ReplyDelete
  28. Molly,

    I found your blog from a comment you left on the Waite Family blog and I was interested in why you had an angel too. When your picture came up I was shocked and screamed. My husband said "what" I said, I know this girl she was basically a roommate at RICKS, It's Molly Bice!

    I'll be reading more of your blog over the next few days. Despite your summer, you look absolutely fabulous!

    You can find me here at www.anythingbutbland.org

    Gwenevere Bland

    ReplyDelete
  29. Molly, thank you for sharing your tender thoughts! I weep with every one of your posts. My heart absolutely breaks for you. I am so glad that you met Mike and Tami. They are amazing and I hope you guys can find some sort of comfort in each other. Many prayers are said for you!

    Camille (Nielson) Pocock

    ReplyDelete
  30. the life you are living has touched me in away I never thought possible, please keep sharing your story. And may the Lord bless you.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Molly, I was barely a part of your life back at Ricks, so I feel like I am intruding on one of the most private parts of your life. However, I have to tell you, both you and Vic are some of the most gifted writers I have ever read. The way you both can convey your feelings and thoughts is powerful. It is evident that you are changing lives by being so open. Thank you for sharing. I sobbed tonight as I put my own 2 year old to bed. I will never take for granted the gift that is mine. Thank you for giving me the perspective I need. I know our Father in Heaven is answering your prayers. And I can see that through you He is answering other's prayers as well. God bless you Vic and Molly - as I know He has been doing.
    Love,
    Tiffany Waldron Houston

    ReplyDelete
  32. you don't know me, but i just wanted to tell you that i am incredibly moved by your words and the video of your precious Angel Lucy, she is BEAUTIFUL! God bless you!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Molly, My heart is aching for you. I wish that there was some way I could ease your sorrow or lift your burden. You have so much courage to be able to move forward with faith and even optimism. I am praying for you and your family. My offer still stands: if you find yourself lonely/bored/depressed, you can always call me. I live in Springville, but I'd be willing to make the drive to come hang out with you. I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Molly, I can't even imagine your pain. I think of how hard it is to send my son to kindergarten, and I think I could never hold up against all you've had to bear. All I can say is that it makes me so thankful for the gospel...the sliver of knowledge of eternal families--and the difference that makes. You are such a talented writer--so good at sharing your thoughts. I bawl every time I read your posts. I'll keep praying for you and your precious Lucy. You are a beautiful and eternal family.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Molly,
    Another lurker here. It's a strange story how I came upon your blog, but after reading it for awhile now it is more than clear to me that it wasn't strange at all there was a reason for it. Several reasons in fact, but just one I want to share now. I too am a Primary President, I live in Lakeland Florida. I received the calling just after moving here from Alaska. I didn't know anyone and I hadn't been in Primary in years. I had been serving in YW's and RS, so this was a little surprising for me. Recently, my youngest child (12 yr old Demie) moved on from Primary and into YW's. My oldest daughter is just leaving home, she's now joining the Army as a linguist, so she won't be teaching in primary anymore, so I feel alone in there now. I worry for all of my kids! I worry that I can't protect them anymore. As I thought about what I wanted to say to you in this comment, I decided to tell you a little bit about me (maybe to divert your mind) so you would know that there is purpose in "Your words" (not that you don't know that), other than in healing yourself. Your words... their purpose for me are, and the reason for my comment is........well, let's just say that I have thought about you for weeks now. Even while I'm at church teaching our yearly theme "I Am a Child of God" and preparing our children for our Primary Program in a few weeks. Through your unbelievable strength and understanding of the Gospel, and being who you are, you have forever changed how I feel when I hear/sing the song "I Am a Child of God" from now on. I have sung that song countless times since I was a sunbeam and I'm 40 now, but through you and your testimony and love of your daughter I am FOREVER CHANGED. Changed meaning......the words are etched deep within me and I just KNOW (after reading your heart on your blog) that we are all children of God like I've never known it so strongly before! So thank you Molly, thank you for sharing your heart with the world. Lucy wisely chose YOU & YOUR HUSBAND as her parents... to lead and guide her, and she will forever be walking beside you helping you find your way. I can only hope and pray the Lord will give me the knowledge you have to teach and guide my children & Primary children as the Lord wouldst have me do!!! Carolee Jensen in Florida

    ReplyDelete
  36. Dear Molly,

    I was introduced to your story and blog through Shannan Hoffman's blog and have followed your sweet family's heartbreak these last several months. I just wanted you to know that, although I don't know you or Vic or Lucy, I come to your blog often and weep with you and for you through your tender words and memoirs. I pray for your healing and comfort and happiness. You are beautiful people and I love how beautifully and deeply you feel and how you cherish and honor the memory and life of your sweet, angel Lucy. As a mom, I feel a love and connection to you without even knowing you. And, I love your Lucy for the tenderness she's brought into my life. May you and yours be continually upheld and blessed as you continue to navigate these turbulent waters.

    With Love,
    Annie Karren

    ReplyDelete
  37. I was referred to your blog from a friend of mine who lost her little boy and I also lost my sweet daughter in a tragic accident. I am so inspired by your story. It has been almost 5 years since my little girl passed away and sometimes I still need to weep and find comfort, and it is through you today. Thank you. You are so strong, brave and faithful. I am so sorry for your loss and feel my heart start to ache as I think of the road you are endering but maybe it helps to know there are others out there that are traveling thatroad with you and that you are a huge source of strength. you have such a wonderful perspective and I know your day to be reunited will be so precious. I dream of that day often. I know that lucy is close to you. Talk to her, she can hear you and she isproud of you! I also know those preciouse little arms are wrapped around you often. I also didn't have other children at the time and felt so lost with my purpose. It is so hard. I will keep you in my prayers and I know that I am a total stranger but you are a great strength to me.
    Mandy Norton

    ReplyDelete
  38. I love you and Vic and Lucy. It is heart-wrenching but I am glad you express yourself and are living through this time and sharing. I still tear up. My friend at church lost her 5 year old. She said they (family) talk about her little girl all the time and feel she is still with them. Love marlene

    ReplyDelete
  39. Molly, I am Jen Hunts sister in law. Our family has been praying for your family, that video was beautiful. Lucy is darling. I have a daughter her age my heart breaks for you. Thank Heaven for the gospel! You will continue to be in my prayers.
    Katie Hunt

    ReplyDelete
  40. your honesty gives me such strength!

    ReplyDelete
  41. My friend Molly!!! My wife has been looking at your blog for months and tonight I was sitting with her and I saw your picture!!! I was like...hey that's Molly Bice (Jackson now)! I am so sorry to read about Lucy! What a beautiful girl!! We will be praying for you and your family. It was great to see your inspirational blog!!

    Thinking of you,
    Curtis Browning

    ReplyDelete
  42. Molly, I have enjoyed reading your blog. I feel your pain. I know what it is like to try to save your daughters life at the same time yielding to the will of the father. Our 9yr old daughter died April 8,2008. She was taking a bath when I found her in the water unconscious. I gave her C.P.R. and her father gave her a blessing. Later we made the same choice to donate her organs. We know that we will be with her again. "Just keep swiming." Just like Dori says in finding Nemo.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Hey my friend Molly!!!

    My wife as been looking at your blog for months, and today as I was sitting by her on the couch I said, "Hey, that's Molly Bice!!!!"
    I am so sad to read about Lucy! What a beautiful girl!!

    We will be praying for you! Thanks for sharing your inspirational blog with us!

    Thinking of you,
    Curtis & Adie Browning

    ReplyDelete
  44. Like so many others, you don't know me but I just wanted to thank you for strengthening my testimony of the gospel and the Lord's plan for us. As a mother, I can't even imagine the daily pain you feel but I appreciate your candor. I feel like the harsh reality of your sorrow has given so many others strength, even those of us who haven't been asked to sacrifice what has been asked of you. Your family continues to be in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  45. very touching!

    your daughter is beautiful in every way!!

    i'm sorry for your grief and pain--my heart feels so much for you guys and such a loss here in mortality! She's a priceless gem.

    ReplyDelete
  46. This post has taken me quite some time to leave for you. I am a "lurker" as it has so obviously been dubbed.. I happened across your family blog a few months back and I just want you to know that you have touched my heart in a way that is indescribable. I have a quick story for you..

    My husband was away on a trip and I was home with our 4 children. We got up Saturday morning and it was ONE of those days.. Everyone was grumpy, chores were not getting done, the children were horsing around and fighting, and I got upset with them. I told them "K, I am not your Mom today. Unless you can help me clean up this mess you are on your own. You can feed yourself, clean for yourself, bathe yourself, etc. I am on strike." and I left the room. I took a shower, put on my makeup, sat to read a book and all the while listened to crying, fighting, discord in my home. I got on the computer to check my blog and I went to someone elses blog that went to someone elses blog that landed on yours....

    I read your thoughts and feelings and emotions and desires of your heart and I felt like an intruder. I couldn't look away. Lucy is so beautiful and your love for her is so powerful and your overwhelming trial stopped me in my tracks. I went to the stairs and sat on them and called all my children to me one at a time until they were all there, looking at my puffy swollen red eyes and we just hugged. We cried. We apologized. We vowed to treat each other as a family should and as Heavenly Father wants us to. We let the spirit heal us and we reminded each other just how much love we have for one another. I want to be their Mom!

    You have changed my life. Lucy has changed my life. I am today a more grateful mother and wife. Words do not express the spirit I feel as I update myself with your journey as I read your Blog. I apologize for "lurking" but I want you to know I am a different Mother today than I was yesterday and so forth.
    You and Vic and Lucy have touched our family. Thank you for your honesty, devotion, and love of all things both easy and difficult. I sit at my computer and I cry with you.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Exqusitely beautiful, just like your precious daughter.

    ReplyDelete
  48. My heart aches for you and your family. I stumbled upon your blog through a friend, and your strength and honesty and perspective has renewed my perspective. I am a young mother myself and I have three beautiful children of my own. Your story makes me more sharply aware of how much more I need to be grateful for them, and how short-lived our time is on this earth. I pray that your faith and love will continue to guide and warm you in this sacred and tragic journey. Thank you for your example. Thank you for your willingness to share. Your experience has helped me to renew my own eternal perspecive. May God be with you.

    ReplyDelete