Wednesday, August 6, 2008
I love the word Grace and all that it implies. Elegance. Beauty. Favor. Goodwill. Mercy. And the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.

Two people have used this word a lot in conversations with me. One of them is my dear friend Anna Evensen, and the other is my therapist. Anna believes Vic and I have been handling things with so much grace. I don't know if I agree with her, but I love hearing her say that word. As a dancer, this word holds heavy meaning for me. Combined with my faith in God, the word grace speaks loudly to me with thick description. When I tell my therapist stories of emails we've received, miracles that have happened, support we are given, she just looks at me and says, "Grace." She is not a member of my faith.

I went to Girls Camp yesterday. I was loved and hugged by beautiful Young Women from my ward and branch. I cried. I felt the spirit. I thought about Lucy. I went on a walk with the Young Women's president. We spoke of life, struggles, homosexuality, miscarriages, marriage, and the church. I loved every second of being with her. I could be myself. I could be honest. I could cry and question and laugh. It was what I needed and it was a gift of grace from my Heavenly Father.

When I got in my car to drive home, I sobbed. Someone who has lost a child is always on the verge of tears. It is right there beneath the surface. Like a baby chick anxious to burst from its shell; it waits for the right quiet moment to show itself. I am laughing, and it is there. I am running, and it is there. I am dancing and it is there. And eventually it pours out. I called my sister, I prayed, I drove in silence and thought. And when I turned onto my road, there was another gift of grace. A rainbow. The end of the rainbow lay directly over the fire station in the spot of grass where Lucy's body laid on May 18th. The spot where angels awaited ushering her into heaven. The spot where I prayed harder and more fervently than ever before in my life. The spot where paramedics and friends tried effortlessly to revive Lucy and to comfort me. It was right there. Beautiful and bright. I stopped the car and took a picture. I said a prayer of thanks. I breathed deeply for just a second. Grace.

I haven't stopped crying for very long since then. Sleep didn't come easily last night. I fell into a restless nap this morning and had my first dream about Lucy. In it, she appeared in my doorway. She peeked her head around the door frame with a smile that said, "Come and get me mom!" I was tired and didn't want to get up, but I did. I chased her down the hallway, following her bouncing curls and scooped her into my arms. I tickled her and laughed with her and was enveloped in complete joy. I remember thinking, "Why don't I do this more? Why don't I play with her and make her laugh and enjoy her more? It makes me happy. She is RIGHT HERE." And then she was gone. And I was awake in my bed. Alone. I know what the dream was telling me, it is the same message I got while wake boarding last week. Lucy wants me to get up. She wants me to live my life. But it is not easy. And it is especially not easy for me today. But the dream was a gift of Grace.

-the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.
-to lend or add grace to
-to favor or honor
-moral strength: the grace to perform a duty.
-mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace
-a manifestation of favor, esp. by a superior


  1. So sorry to read about your trials. May you blessed greatly with peace and comfort.

  2. I am not someone you know, but I am someone who reads your blog because I am strengthened by your strength in your trials. I just want you to know how much I have gained from everything you share and how much more I have tried to share with my children because of what you share. I ache for you and think of you so often and pray for you often. You and your husband are remarkable and I am so grateful you are finding the joy and the grace that God is sharing with you in this difficult time. Lucy is so special. Keeping sharing you are blessing so many lives with your words.

  3. Wow. You didn't even need to include a picture - your words describe everything so beautifully. I love you Molly. I love that you're sharing this with me - and everyone else.
    And, yes, I see Grace all around both you and Vic.
    I need to bug Shannon again about a BBQ - would love to see you soon.

  4. You are so strong, brave, and amazing! You are living my absolute fear, yet you do it so bravely. I love your posts- I love hearing your stories, and I love how even though I do not know you, you impact my life so. Stay strong. Live life. For your life impacts others you do not know or see.

  5. I am smiling right now from the connection we just had in our internet chat. It never ceases to amaze me that you are able to convey your thoughts with such eloquence, and can I say it... Grace. The photo gave me the chills. What a gift from God, just for you to see. I hope you and Vic can find something to lift your spirits this week. You both so dearly deserve it. He is such a good man, and I am happy you have him to lean on. I also CANT WAIT to see you soon. ;)

  6. Your words are heartbreaking and beautiful and inspiring. Thank you for sharing them.

  7. I needed that photo. I am glad you had the presence of mind to actually take it. What a gift. A gift only One could give. The same One that both gives and then receives back. Thank you. We will see you in...ONE WEEK!

  8. Molly, I have also always loved the word "grace." A friend shared a really beautiful scripture with me a little over 9 years ago at a confusing time in my life (you may already know it; John is being quoted). It's D&C 93:14: "And he [Christ] received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness." I had "grace for grace" (referencing verse 13) engraved on my husband's wedding band (he was kinda-sorta the source of the confusing time, but ultimately in a good way :). Anyway, that scripture popped into my mind as I read your post today. Still thinking of you.

    Wishing you more rainbows in the days to come!

  9. Once, Brit and jeremys friend. I dont know you, but I hear how wonderful you are from brit and just from reading your posts. You always can get me crying and my heart breaking for you :) I dont mean that in a "downer" kind of way. Im glad you are posting your thoughts and feelings. You do SO well at that. The way you describe things make me feel like I was there. I think EVERyONE 100% understands how each day for you must be a trail to get through. But Im glad you are realizing that Lucy would want you to be the happy fun person you were. You are lucky to have the gospel and to be able to see early on in this, that that is what you need to do. I know there are many people that get lost in grief and before they know it, its been years since they have been happy and dont know where to start to get back to being happy.
    I know saying "hang in there" dosent help at all..but just know everyone is praying for you and think of the "better days" and look forward to more of them :)

  10. I am a member of the church in Portugal and i pray for you and your familiy. if you want visit our country, please be our guest. i fell that i know you because we believe in the same things.thank you so much for your example and strong.

  11. Molly,
    What a beautiful post! That was so eloquent and beautifully written. What a beautiful rainbow, too. How amazing you were there right then to see it. You are right- Grace! I have always loved this word. Your friends are right, Grace is a word that describes you. You are going through this trial with so much grace it is truly amazing. My prayers continue to be with you and your family.

  12. I know your grace is tangible to is inspiring.

  13. Molly,
    When I first saw the title of your post "Grace", well, you can imagine my heart sunk into the pit of my stomach having my first child named Grace and knowing that your post would be about Lucy. The rainbow is quite unbelievable. I'm so glad you took a picture. Wow, thank you for sharing your dream too. It is so crystal clear that God and Lucy are both sending you messages all the time and the messages are so VIVID and personal and perfect. What a testament to our eternal nature. Again, I feel like there are no words to say to comfort you, but only to let you know that I'm here, constantly thinking about you and trying to make sense of all of it. You are Graceful.

  14. very very nice picture. You should frame it. If you want to. I love hearing what you are thinking and feeling. I also wish I could know what Vic is thinking and feeling. Ask him to post too, if he's up to it. Love you.

  15. I do truly believe our girls want us to live and live fully and that giving up on life and all its beauty is to not honour them fully.

    However, that is my constant struggle. To live fully, yet be so sad, to see beauty and yet I close my eyes and see terror. To wake to sleep. How to navigate it?

    I remember a dream I had where Isabelle was playing and she kept running away and playing with other children and I really wanted to spend time with her.

    I believe she was telling me she was having fun and that she is ok. But I awoke and wanted to hold her so badly.

    It is so up and down.

    Sending loves from around the world.


  16. Thank you. Still praying for you and Vic and still think you're incredible. Love you.

  17. Molly, thank you for letting me share in a little bit on yours and Leslie's chat yesterday. I am not sure why my connection feels so strong to your little family's story, but I do know that I have been changed forever because of it. I am grateful for the spirit that has been with me since the time I have followed your blog. I have truly learned what a deep Christ like love for our "heavenly" brothers and sisters means. I hope you are able to have some happy days soon!

  18. BEAUTIFUL post, your words are so heart felt. Your daughter is gorgeous, She is touching the lives of so many--so are you, by sharing your story, your incredibly strong self and testimony here.I haven't ever had the pleasure of meeting you in person, but GRACE seems the perfect word to describe you.
    Thank you for letting us/strangers share this part of your life.
    My prayers are with you and your family.I pray you will find a sense of comfort and "have fun" today...
    Take care

  19. Thanks for the picture and your words. You are gifted to write so clearly. I looked at that spot last time I was up. I remembered your arms swollen from pounding on the door. I hurt for you but know God and Lucy can be so close by. Love MOm

  20. beautiful molly. I'm thinking about you. Love you!

  21. I love this post Molly. Grace is absolutely one of my most beloved subjects to talk about (and experience.)

    I pray for you every night. Love you!

  22. i can barely breathe when i read your words but i just wanted you to know that i am praying for you and your husband. i'm catherine, heather staker's younger sister and a close friend of steph waite. i am so saddened by your loss and by steph's. what an amazing reunion you're going to have in the spirit world with your daughter when that time comes!

  23. I randomly stumbled across your blog and wanted to send my deepest condolences. I cried when I read your very moving sentiments and pray for God to grant you continual grace as the days wear on.

    "The flower that follows the sun does so even in cloudy days."
    -Robert Leighton

  24. Hi Molly,

    You are an incredibly talented writer. Your words move me and I feel a closeness and warm spirit every time i visit. Your emotions are raw and so alive. Thank You for sharing once again a post that gave me the chills from head to toe. Your family is in my prayers daily.
    God bless you and Vic.

    Whitney Boice Arensberg

  25. I heard about your blog from my sister and I am so amazed by your courage, You are amazing. I read you posts and there are constant reminders of the kind of mom I want and should be. Thank you for sharing these personal thoughts with us. There are so many people who are praying for you and your husband, people you dont even know. I am so sorry about your loss. Lucy is so lucky to call you mom, I know you will see her again that in itself is a reason to get up in the morning. Your teaching us all great lessons in life. Good luck and Thank you!

  26. I don't know you personally, but I am another that is inspired by your words. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. What a beautiful picture of a rainbow. I believe it was a gift from Lucy.

  27. Molly -- what an awesome and absolutely tangible message that rainbow is! How beautiful Lucy colors within the lines :-)

  28. Hi I don't know you, but I wanted to let you know that I think about you and your cute family everyday. You are such a beautiful and spiritual mother and I look up to how much strength you have. Lucy is an adorable little girl. What a great blessing it is that we have the knowledge that we will see and be with our loved ones who have passed on. You give me strength through your testimony, and the way that you talk about sweet lucy. Thank you for sharing your story you have touched my life more than you will ever know.

  29. Dear Molly and Vic,
    Thank you, thank you, thank you - and even in repetition, the words are not enough. I have been inspired, moved, turned to thought and faith and have dug deep into who I am to find a better person - because of your words - your story. It truly is your family's story and a heritage that generations from now will gather strength and hope from, as we do as visitors to your amazing blog.

    I would like to offer a gift - I am the co-founder of a company who helps people preserve and share their special stories and photos in keepsake Storybooks and I would love to give you and Vic a complimentary Storybook, so that you can preserve, share and celebrate the life, lessons and love of Lucy. It will not be a book with an ending - for her and your story continues and will continue forever. But, as I have found, it is a way I can capture those feelings, moments and memories in a way that I can visit whenever I wish - before they are faded with time. "Photos without stories are memories lost."

    With your photos and text, Lucy's earthly life can become a beatiful hardbound book that I would love to give to you with my thanks for your words, wisdom and example of faith and love. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    Thinking of you today and tomorrow,

  30. Your hearfelt words and beautiful spirit are such priceless gifts to all of us. Please keep sharing. Sending love and prayers your way.


  31. You realize you have a gift? Right? It's incredible; your writing is incredible.

    Every time I come to your blog, I cry, not because of sadness, but because I feel the love you have for Lucy. It's amazing!

    Lots and lots of love.

  32. Molly,

    I too, like many others, do not know you personally, but I am a friend of Carrie F. I am her visiting Teacher, and I had a very nice visit with her a few months ago, and she told me about your family, and your the loss of your little girl. I felt very touched by the spirit as we talked about how wonderful your family is and what affect your Lucy had on people that didn't even know her! I have been following your blog, and I cry almost everytime you post something new. I have two small children, and I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I pray for you and Vic, and hope that you will have peace in your heart and have comfort in knowing that Lucy is in such a wonderful place, with our Hevenly Father. Thank you for sharing your love for your child!

    Brittany Bennett and Family
    Woods Cross, UT

  33. I am not some one you know, but your blog was sent to me by a friend. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you putting yourself, and your feelings out there for all of us to read. I know for myself that reading your words has made me look at my 2 year old differently. I hold him longer, when he lets me, Kiss him more, play more, and laugh more. We all need a wake up call some time. You are being the wake up call for many people. When I was 14 my brother and sister were killed, so speaking from experence, you can make it. And you will make it, The Lord will Never leave you. The pain will get less, and it's ok for it to get less. You are blessing so many lives right now, and you probably dont even know it. Keep Blogging, We all love you and the strength that you have.
    Terri Ann

  34. Thank you for sharing this. It is so touching. I am reminded of the gift it is to play with my children. What a beautiful reminder.


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