Nana

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 9:57 AM

Today is my mom's birthday. Lucy's Nana. Lucy loved her Nana. She loved Nana's dog Truman too. She recognized Nana's neighborhood from the second we turned onto her street and she'd start to kick her feet with delight. Nana's house was the best because Lucy could jump in her Johnny Jumper in an extra wide doorway. Plenty of room to spin and bounce. She was a maniac. A total pro. Between the Johnny Jumper and chasing Truman around (who she called "men"), she just loved being with Nana and Poppa.








Going to Nana's also meant time with cousins Ethan and Bailey. Ethan and Lucy just adored each other. And Bailey and Lucy...well, let's just say they were trying to learn how to "share" and other life lessons of toddlerhood.







Here she is holding a picture of Ethan taken on his first Halloween. She loved that photo. If he wasn't there to play with, she would play with his picture.


And with her favorite little stool that Nana made. She just loved that thing!


I'm grateful Lucy got to spend special time with her Nana. From being a newborn who wouldn't sleep through the night, to getting into salt and altoids in the kitchen, Lucy and Nana had some great times together. I know Lucy is grateful to her Nana for not only taking care of her and loving her, but taking care of her mommy too.


Not only is it Nana's birthday today, it is two months since we said goodbye to Lucy. My whole being hurts with the remembering. Without even knowing what the date is, my body is somehow aware and reminded of all we went through that day. There is something about the anniversary, another four weeks survived, that brings back the flood of emotions. If I never had a calendar, I would still know when another month went by, it just lives inside of you. My body and spirit know, even if my brain doesn't.

I will never forget holding Lucy in her hospital bed as they wheeled us down the hallway to the operating room so they could remove her organs. They moved all the machines and chords out of the way so I could sit in the middle of the bed and hold her in my arms one last time. The doctor next to me held the manual respiratory and pumped it while we slowly walked along, Vic's hand on mine the entire time. He was so noble and kind to honor my role as mother and let me be the last one to hold her. I will always be grateful for that. When we reached the yellow line on the floor and weren't allowed to go any further, I kissed her cheeks, kissed her mouth, smoothed her hair, and sent her home to Heavenly Father through a wall of tears. It was horrible and sweet. Something out of a movie. Every time I walk by a mirror, I glance over to see whose reflection I will find. Surely it won't be mine, because this couldn't really be my life. But it's always still just me. Not a movie star, not an angel, just me. But I am Lucy's mom. And if I can live up to honoring her, that will be the only reflection I want to see in the mirror. Being her mother, knowing I was trusted to take care of such a special spirit, knowing I will see her again and that she is right here with me...that will become the reality of what I see looking back at me. But for now, I mostly see pain, hurt, and confusion. I think in time, I will see what Lucy and Heavenly Father want me to see when I look in the mirror. For now, I am relying on loved ones to remind me.

After this final goodbye, the first person waiting for me was my mom. Lucy's Nana. We walked to the nearest chair in silence together. I sat in her lap and cried. A 30 yr. old woman and her mommy. She just held me. Next to Lucy's birth, it was the sweetest moment in my life. The veil was so thin. So today, as I honor Lucy and remember what took place two months ago, I also honor her Nana. Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you. Because you gave birth to me, I was able to give birth to Lucy. And we will never be the same after knowing her. Two months down and a lifetime to go, but it will be the sweetest reunion in history.

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42 Loving Lines

  1. Oh Molly. We are thinking about you guys constantly and loving you. It was wonderful to see you the other week. Thank you so much for such a touching memory. You are in our thoughts and prayers always.

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  2. Oh my gosh Molly. I have often thought of what were your last moments with Lucy and wondered what happened. I never thought anyone could be so brave as to actually share that kind of thing. That was hard to read, but thank you so much for sharing it. Still can't imagine... Happy Birthday to your mom too.

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  3. I feel your pain so much and I am so sorry. I loved what you shared in this post about your final moments with your precious baby. She is so beautiful. I am so glad that you have your Mom to help you along the way. I pray for you to have strength to endure this painful trial. You are so amazing. Much love-Jenna lines

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  4. I loved the freedom Lucy had to jump in the very wide doorway. I like to think that is how it is for her now, a wider doorway to jump in than was available anywhere else. Your writing is so CLEAR. We are with you. As you hold her one last time, noble Vic beside you, and as Nana holds you afterward. I did recognize the sentiments you shared of looking in the mirror and wondering how it could be you, your life looking back at you. I had grabbed an apple from the refrigerator before coming in here to the computer. After reading the post, I stared at my half-eaten apple in dismay. But I admit, I still enjoyed its goodness. xoxoxo

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  5. I found your blog through another and after reading it my heart breaks for you. I don't even know you but I know that your darling angel is the sweetest of spirits now and will be anxiously awaiting the day you are together again. There is this song by a guy named Cameron Steele called "Less than an hour" and it talks about how God's time is different than ours and to God you will only be separated for less than an our. In our earthly time it may be years and years but if you think about it through Heaven's time it is so short. You inspire me with your strength in this trying time. I have hugged my little ones tighter after reading your posts.

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  6. Without knowing you I love you and think of you many moments of the day, hang in there, you are such an amazing person. Thanks for letting us in.

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  7. Molly, I love reading your blogs, you are so open & share most sacred things - thank you for that. I really wish I knew you in the mission field - I'm just grateful that I was able to meet you. :D Your posts always make me cry & make me give my kids big hugs every time I see them.

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  8. Molly,

    How my heart hurts for you. I admire your strength to share these tender moments of Lucy with others. Your writing is superb and should be published. How many people are you helping who just happen to stumble onto this blog...who knows. All I know is you've had an incredible impact on me.
    Having lost a love one myself, I know there are more lonely days ahead for you...Yet you have chosen a remarkable way to help yourself through these tender times and in the process have helped so many others. You are my "My Star" Molly. I am giving you a standing ovation for the person you are.
    Thinking of you every day and saying a prayer for your comfort.

    Love,
    Suzanne (Darin and Emily's mom)

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  9. Of course you don't know me, but I think of you often and thank you for sharing your courage in time of tragedy. You amaze us all.

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  10. I was excited to see your post on my blog. It's been too long. You amaze me more and more. I'm still praying for you.

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  11. Molly- thank you for continuing to blog. I am uplifted, humbled and reminded of what is important each time I sit down to read your entries. Thank you for making them so real and personal. My heart hurts for you and my spirit envies your strength. You and Vic are such great examples. Lucy is beautiful and I know your reunion will be so sweet. Happy Birthday Nancy!

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  12. Molly,
    What beautiful memories of Lucy. She's such a beautiful girl. Thank you for sharing such sacred thoughts and experiences. I continue to pray for you and Vic. Happy Birthday to Lucy's Nana.

    Love, Amy Baker

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  13. Molly,

    I thought of you all day today. Little Eden's Birthday is Aug. 22 but now the 22nd also has another meaning. So I thought of you and little Lucy today. I also thought of Romans 8:18. It is my second favorite scripture. It is poetry and so comforting and hopeful. Your writing is beautiful. Your strength is inspiring.

    Love,

    Lindsay Robbins

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  14. hey molly- Im Britanys friend, and have posted before. I cant even begin to describe what I feel right now, My heart truly is breaking from that post. I CANT imagine how that felt. I KNOW the only way you made it through that was from Heavenly Father.
    I am super close to my mom as well, isnt it great. Im sure she is struggling to see you, her baby, struggle so much. But having MOM there is such a comfort Im sure.
    Hang in there, I think and pray for you often..and through your blog can see what a wonderful person you are.

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  15. That was one of the most touching things I have ever read. Well, judging from the fountain that my eyes have created, it's the MOST touching thing I've EVER read.

    Molly & Vic, you guys are really incredible writers. You have an unbelievable talent for expressing your feelings in words. You are getting people to think and feel things in profound ways.

    I'm so so so sorry for your loss. I hope you are still getting the love and support you need. If not, lemme know and I'll be up there in about 35 minutes. :)

    rachel (clark)

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  16. Wow Molly. I cried a little reading this.. not a loud obnoxious cry that you have heard in the past. But still. I'm so glad you shared with us your last few minutes with Lucy. And I'm so glad your mom was there. That is such a sweet story. I think everyone needs to be held by their mommy's no matter how old they are. I love your Mom too. I love Lucy. And I love you.

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  17. Jackson family - I am one of the many, many folks who found you through other blogs, and have followed your story over the past two months. I don't know if it bothers you that complete strangers are reading, but please know how powerful your words have been for me to read. I wish there were words adequate enough to express for your loss and the "after" you're wading through. I just know that your description of Lucy reminds me so much of my daughter. I ache for you as a fellow parent of a lively, big-eyed blond. And I'm grateful to you for sharing your experiences, because they give me reason to ponder my life and think about my relationship to my Heavenly Father. May He continue to bless you, on the better days and the bad.
    ~Emily, Baltimore

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  18. Oh Molly. Here i am at work just bawling away. You make me feel like I was there...that I witnessed such a private and sacred moment. I don't know how you and Vic continue to move forward, but you are both doing it with such grace. I am truly moved by you both.
    Love Mindy

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  19. Molly~

    When I read your posts, your spirit feels tangible to me. I am in awe of your ability to express yourself with such clarity, eloquence and sheer honesty. Thank you for continuing to share and for allowing us...many of which are total strangers to you...to grieve with you, pray for you and attempt to lighten your burden, if but only a little.

    On Sunday in RS we had a wonderful lesson from the Joseph Smith manual (chapter 14) and I thought of you the whole time. Perhaps in a quiet moment, you might find some comfort there.

    I continue to ache for you, think of you and pray for your comfort and peace.

    Much love from an (unknown) sister in the gospel~
    Marianne

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  20. Molly,
    I, like others found you through another blog. I don't know if you care that other's are reading your blog. I just wanted to post and thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so eloquently. It is so touching, and truly has helped me to remember to hold my children a little closer, and to be more patient with them. I think about you and your beautiful angel often, and pray for peace for you and Vic. I ache for you, and wish I could help to ease your burdens. You are in my prayers.

    Sincerely,
    Jennie

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  21. This post literally broke my heart. I am amazed at your ability keep moving forward, as this is something I wish NO mother would ever have to go through. I have twin two year olds right now that are at a very hard stage to take care of. I find myself coming to your blog often to remind me of my blessings when I am discouraged. I appreciate you sharing your experience with us, and constantly see what an AMAZING mother you are and how much your love your baby. You are truly an inspiration to me.

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  22. Molly, you do not know me nor me you. I truly ache for you and your family. Your words are so real. Please know you are in my heart. Your Lucy is lucky to have you.

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  23. I have been reading your blog for a few weeks and I want you to know that Lucy has forever touched my life and changed me, she is a beautiful, beautiful soul.. God Bless you all....... My heart just aches for you....... I am so so sorry your Lucy is not here with you as you say on this side of the veil... I am not a Mormon but I have to say that I feel very comforted in how you and a few other blogs I have read talk about the afterlife and the veil and all..It gives me great hope...Take care and please know you are in lots and lots of peoples prayers...

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  24. Hey Molly I don't know you but I have written to you before. I would like you to see my blog. I am the one that lost a cousin if you do not remember. My blogspot is www.littlekdbug.blogspot.com

    I will keep you in my prayers.

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  25. I love watching the viedos you post of little Lucy. It gives us all a taste of her spunky little personality, and her love for life.I wonder where she got all that spunk. Perhaps her mamma? Maybe even a little from her Nana. Happy birthday to Nancy. Love that lady. love you too. Thanks for sharing your sweet,tender, sacred moments with us. You are amazing.

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  26. Dearest Molly, I have admired you from the first time I ever met you back in grade school. Little do you know how much I always aspired to be more like you throughout our many years together. There has always been a special essence about you that I aspired to capture and make my own. As I have become reaquainted with you these past few months my admiration and love for you has been validated and grown tenfold. I finally truly see what it is about you that sets you apart: you shine with Heaven's light. Molly, I see your light--God'd light--shine in everything that is Lucy. Thank you for always being such a good friend and example. Love, Autumn (Haeberle)

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  27. you don't know me (i feel the need to say that prior to each comment i write on your blog) but you amaze me. your strength through the gospel is such an example. thank you for sharing your moments. i cry every time i read one of your posts, as a mom my heart aches for you. i pray for you and your husband and all that you are enduring, but i want to find you in years and years to come when we've returned to our Father in Heaven... and just see the joy you and your husband have when reunited with little Lucy. It will be wonderful.

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  28. dear molly,
    thank-you for your beautiful words and thank-you for allowing us all to learn from you.
    somehow i feel i am a better person when i read your words.
    thank-you so so much for letting us all read and learn from you.
    you have a beautiful soul and i am praying for you.
    with love, your new friend, courtney

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  29. Molly,
    I am so glad you came to my blog. I must confess I had stopped by your blog, but I was too emotional to write. I decided to wait a day or two before commenting.
    I still can't write this post without crying. My heart truly aches for you, your husband, and your families. I am inspired at the faith and courage you've shown.
    What a beautiful, happy child. I love the video where she can act out happy and sad. She must have inheirited some of her mothers acting skills. Simply adorable!

    Thank you for sharing your final sacred moments with Lucy, and the tender moments with your mother. The spirit radiates from your posts and testifies to me of the truth of eternal families. These relationships are too important to end at death.
    I am glad that although forever changed, your life is slowing returning to normal. You are an example to us all. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
    I am glad we are able to reunite. It is one of the best things about blogs. Please tell your family hello for me. I hope to hear from you again soon.

    Take care,
    Emilee

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  30. Amen to every single post above mine that I just read...You don't know me but I have come across your blog like i do many others, and I have to tell you nothing I mean NOTHING has ever made me feel the way you have through your incredible, phenominal writing of your beautiful daughter and bittersweet life you are living. There are countless lives you are touching because of your ability to share such sacred moments your life has encountered. I continue to read your blog (thank you) and will forever continue to share your story, no matter how many times I cry when doing so! You and your husband are amazing individuals, just as your daughter was and why the lord needed her now...
    You have truly touched my life and help me to remember how precious and short life is here on earth. How special your reuniting will be and how many lives will bless lucy's life forever.

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  31. Yes my cousin was a still born. She died the day she was supposed to be born though. You are so amazing to me and I am so glad that you looked at my blog. I pray for you and your family at night. So where do you live at? I hope that I can meet you sometime. You are so sweet and I love how all of you posts are still about Lucy.

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  32. Dear Molly,

    That was such a beautiful post and so honouring of your beautiful girl. I truly believe our children choose us. They circle until they find just the right fit in a family and she chose you to love her and cherish her even if she couldn't stay long.

    I woke this morning and like every morning missed my angel girl and reading your blog today reminded me all over of how difficult and cruel it is to hand your child back and then try to make sense of a world that looks the same but is all different.

    Sending you much loves,

    Danielle

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  33. Dear Molly, I found your blog after you so kindly signed my daughter-in-law Missy's blog. I admire you so much for reaching out to others even in your own sorrow.
    I found your youtube song, Little Lucy, today, and it is exceptionally moving. The Lord has made you mighty in song, and in word, both written and spoken.
    Sending love, and prayers for peace and healing to you & Vic, and all!

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  34. Molly,
    My name is Jennifer Guthrie...by pure chance-a good friend of mine-not a member-found your blog and refered it. My best friend lost her 14 month old son on Feb. 13 of this year. I have read your blog and I have cried with you. I am so sorry that you are going through this and yet you write of things that I have "borne" with my sweet best friend. Does it get better? Yes, it is an amazing journey that I could wish on no one...please hang in there...your Lucy is precious and her life reflects Joy, Peace, and Love...what we should all carry on for her. This is a hard thing and I am so glad you have support...you probably hate it sometimes when the pain is just so huge and you feel like no one can even grasp what you feel....your words inspire and you will make it...just hang on and take it minute by minute...life is a process of which we need to know that the Lord is there for all things-and so we turn to Him. I know the spiritual bubble that protected you has had some fade...and now you must turn to Him with your energies...Best in all you do and much love,
    Jen

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  35. Molly,
    my best friend is Gil and you can find her link on my page to her blog. Please email for anything. Gil is in the middle of a move...and as you know with grieving...times are unpredictable. She is amazing and you will just love her. Her son was hit by her friends car in her driveway at home. It is tragic and he like Lucy was beautiful in every being of their self. Their loss is temporary...and the reunion will be ohhhh so sweet. My love goes out to you and your husband and I pray that there will be more sunshine than rain for you both.
    love,
    jen
    pjguthrie@mi-connection.com

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  36. I can't express in words how that touched me. I am sitting here crying like a little girl. Thank you Molly for sharing your feelings. I always feel like I want to be a better mother and wife after I read your blog. Thank you so much.

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  37. Thank you for your beautiful posts! There are many people sharing your tears and praying for you! Reading your blog has been a powerful reminder of what really matters in life!

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  38. Molly, I commented on another post as well but after reading this I felt compelled to post again. Your life and Lucy's life is a gift to everyone who has the priviledge of knowing you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for letting us in to the most tender and intimate moments in your life. You are an inspiration and I hope you continue to write.

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  39. Hi Molly, from another stranger who came across your blog somewhat randomly. Thank you for sharing your last moments with your precious daughter. And thanks also to your husband for his post a while back about fear.

    I am so sad for you that you need to be refined in this particular way, but the truth of these posts has stayed with me, and I can actually feel the love you have for each other and for your daughter, and your love for your own mother. You are both shining examples to all who know you or who have found you through your blog.

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  40. Hi Molly, you don't know me but I've been following your blog for some time, I am a friend of LZ. I want you to know that you are an Amazing person, you're helping so many people by sharing your story. It's very hard to read your blog and find myself weeping by the end of your posts, life is so precious. I want you to know that there are SO many people praying for you and your family. I admire you for being so strong and sharing your thoughts with all of us. You are in MY thoughts and prayers.

    Becca

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  41. Dearest Molly & Vic,

    I have shed many prayers for you over the past few months and now after finding your blog tonight, I've shed many, many more. Brooke Ashby is one of my dear friends and I mourned the loss of Lucy through her. I was actually with her when she got the awful call that Lucy had died. I hope some day to finally meet you and Vic. I am utterly amazed at your strength. You are a beautiful writer and I have been so strengthened reading about your experiences. I pray that the Lord will continue to hold you up when you are not strong enough to stand on your own. Love, April

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  42. I have been reading your blog sporatically and often reflect on your loss with much grief and awe that you can relate so exactly your inner feelings about your dear Lucy.

    Several times in reading your entries I have started writing a comment only to erase it because anything that I have to say seems so meaningless.

    I don't think I've ever met you, but I love who you are and who you are helping us all become.

    May God Bless you and thank you for sharing with me and all of us.

    Katie (Hirt) Matteson
    (Kim's sister-in-law).........

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